Reminder: Becoming a Spiritual Nomad Registration Ends Sunday, Feb 5!
January 26th, 2012

 

Don’t forget, my lovelies – you can still register for the first voyage of my e-course, Becoming a Spiritual Nomad, until next Sunday at noon!

If you’re already registered but have not yet received your introductory packet, please email me immediately at diannesylvan at gmail dot com.

 

Also, students are encouraged (if you’re into this sort of thing) to join our Nomad Facebook Group where you can hang out and compare notes with other Nomads.

For more information on the course and how to register, click here!

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My 2012 Word of the Year
January 25th, 2012

Trust your intuition!  Listen to your inner voice!  Trust, trust, trust!

Allow me a polite guffaw.

For years now various mystical oracles and non-mystical sources have been telling me I have to learn to trust my intuition; you would think that would be the sort of thing you learn in Witchy Kindergarten, but I think I had chicken pox that week.

Periodically I decide I’m going to listen to my Inner Self or whoever’s in there, and I take deep breaths and listen, following the pull of my internal knowing…in exactly the wrong damn direction.  I end up with the stalker ex-friend, driving down the exact stretch of road covered in carpet tacks all pointed upward, waiting in the longest possible line at the bank, and adopting the dog that tries to eat my cat.

Being a mystical sort, I know the value of intuition and of trusting myself – or, at the very least, trusting the Universe/God/Whomever will steer me toward the right path. Yet, there’s knowing that value, and then there’s figuring out how to do it. 

I’ve had voices clamoring for my attention my entire life.  A lot of them have been dirty rotten liars like the Evil Auctioneer, whose litany of “You’re not good enough can I get a fat ugly dumbass fat ugly dumbass that’s a fat ugly loser in the corner yes sir going once!” has buzzed around my mind like a gnat since puberty.  He’s got a lot of friends, each less trustworthy than the last, but they’re all loud, and they NEVER STOP TALKING.  How, then, do I learn which voice belongs to me, or to God, and who to listen to and who to kick in the metaphorical junk?

Well, it looks like I’m going to find out whether I want to or not.  As 2011 ended every time I went to meditate on a “theme word” for 2012 I kept coming back around to the same one:  TRUST.

Aw, come on, I said.  Can’t I have JOY?  Or PROSPERITY?  Or even just good old NOOKIE?

No? Damn it.

The kind of TRUST I’m being led toward isn’t the garden variety trusting-in-other-people kind; it’s going to take way more than a year for me to learn that, given my history, and more importantly, the kind of trust I need – trust in myself, my own wisdom, my own strength; and trust in God – has to come before I can trust other people anyway.

I’ve already had several lessons just in the first month of the year.  It’s a slow process, like everything else worth doing, and already has me climbing the walls of my own head – it gets awfully loud in here, and I had let all those yummy spiritual practices that calm the storm and quiet the mind slip out of my grasp the last couple of years.  Step one:  Sit down and shut up.

Step two:  Hope like hell that next year’s word is NOOKIE.

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Posted in Spiritual Living |
Author, Now Without Dog
January 23rd, 2012

Sometimes things just don’t work out, no matter how hard you try.

Kylie had to go back to the shelter today.  She and the cats just couldn’t work it out – to a degree that genuinely scared me, and I finally had to admit defeat, for the safety of Owen and Stella and my own sanity.

I was really heartbroken.  I loved Kylie – in so many other ways she was the perfect dog, or at least had the potential to be.  She’s so sweet, and smart – she learned to sit on command in less than an hour.  All she needs is a home without cats.  I also think she’d be happier with a yard than in a second-floor apartment; she really didn’t like going up and down the stairs so many times a day on her short little snausage legs, and I don’t blame her. It was hard on my knees.

The silver lining is that now APA! knows a lot more about her and will be able to find her a better fit in a home – it’s so hard to tell potential adopters what a dog is like when she came in as a stray, but a week in a home gave me a chance to write her a great bio and hopefully the right person or family (she’s great with kids) will come along soon and give her everything she deserves.

Sometimes determination and dedication can overcome obstacles, and sometimes they can’t – especially when there are personalities involved that don’t get along.  You have to figure out where to draw the line between “they can figure it out” and “I’m putting them in jeopardy by being stubborn.” For someone like me with a deep-seated fear of failure it’s especially hard, but it wasn’t just my happiness at stake this time, so I couldn’t fret and stew too much before making the decision.  I had to go with my gut, and my gut said, “There’s something better out there for the dog and for your household.”

Don’t worry – this experience hasn’t turned me off to dog-ownership. Just the opposite, in fact – now I know I can handle a dog, and I know I can put in the work required to keep her active and happy; I just need to find a dog who loves cats as something besides prey.

The folks at Austin Pets Alive! have been amazing through the whole thing; they took the dog back with understanding and compassion, after giving me lots of resources to try and work things out throughout the last few days.  They’re deeply committed to finding not just a quick and easy home for their rescues, but the right home, a forever home.

It’s been a rough day.  But a few hours of stress-free sleep and snuggling with my cats, who seem to have forgiven me (with the help of a gooshyfood offering and lots of treats), and I know I did the right thing.  The right thing just sucks sometimes.

Gotta love being an adult, right?

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Author, Now With Dog
January 21st, 2012

About a year ago I was tooling around Netflix’s streaming television and, purely out of boredom, started watching a National Geographic Channel show called Dogtown.

Dogtown was, as it says on the tin, about dogs:  the dog facility of the Best Friends Animal Sanctuary in Utah, where hundreds of dogs, cats, horses, rabbits, birds, and other animals find homes when no one else will take them in.  The trainers and caregivers at Dogtown dedicate themselves to rehabilitating and finding homes for some of the toughest cases – in fact, they were the people who took in the Michael Vick dogs when even the animal rights community claimed fighting dogs could never be saved.  Best Friends proved the skeptics wrong, and Dogtown chronicles their work with the “Vicktory” dogs as well as many others.

I’d never been what I’d call a dog person – I had a dog as a child but you know how that goes.  “Mommy!  I want a dog! I promise I’ll take care of her OH LOOK A BUNNY!” Back then people didn’t really work with dogs much – you got one, put it in the back yard, and that was it.  Maybe she learned to sit or roll over.

Watching the amazing work the folks at Best Friends did I felt something switch on in me, and I started learning more about dog training and care, on the chance that someday a dog came into my life.  Months later when I learned more about Austin Pets Alive! - an organization that’s dedicated to eradicating shelter euthanasia of adoptable pets, and works from many of the same principles as Best Friends – I decided to volunteer.  I was unemployed and though I was writing a lot I felt I needed something useful to do with my free time.

My work with APA! is mostly behind the scenes in marketing – part of the genius behind APA! is that they do everything they can to help a dog find a forever home including website profiles – so when new dogs come into the system I get to see their pictures long before the public does.

About two weeks ago we did a huge intake from a nearby shelter and I saw that one of the dogs was listed as a “Corgi/Pit bull mix.”

My brain kind of sprained itself trying to picture that.  I thought, I have to see this dog – she must be really funny looking.  A few days later, pictures of the dog came through my inbox.  Sure enough, she was a little odd – a black/brown brindle with a pittie’s head (sort of) and a low-slung Corgi-esque body (sort of).  I wasn’t sure if their description was accurate – there are about 10 breeds that look like they went into her makeup – but for some reason I couldn’t stop staring at this dog.  I saved her picture to my desktop, and there it sat for a week.

On MLK Day APA! had a special adoption rate discounted to a mere $20 for animals over 3 months.  I thought, “What could it hurt to go meet her?”

Upshot:  I now have a dog.

This is Kylie.

I have no idea what her life was like before she found me; she was picked up as a stray, a year old, unsprayed.  APA! neuters all animals that come into their shelter, give a dog all her shots, heartworm tests, rabies tags, a microchip, you name it.  They’re committed to the animals they save – for life.  They have a behavior team, a medical team, and resources ready to help adopters settle into life with dog, and they’ve been an AMAZING help to me.

Kylie, you see, is a fantastic dog:  she loves people, even children; she walks calmly on leash; she does pretty well in her crate at night and when I leave; and she’s mostly housetrained, though we’re still working out the kinks.  She came to me pre-loaded with a lot of basic training (either that or I’m just an awesome dog trainer and had no idea), so within a day she was sitting, coming when called, and high-fiving.

Only problem is the cats.  Kylie, Owen, and Stella have a lot of work to do before we have household harmony.  She doesn’t try to hurt them, but she does love to chase them – I’m waiting for one of the cats to haul off and smack the crap out of her to show her who’s boss.  I don’t leave them alone together, because who knows? I don’t want to risk any injury to either side of the equation.  We’re taking things slow, but I can tell just by what a good dog she is that they’ll figure it out eventually.  In the meantime I’m watching her like a hawk and teaching her that I’m the house leader – I don’t go in for that domination/submission model of dog training, but I definitely understand that a dog needs to know you’ve got things handled, so they can just relax and be dogs.

Don’t worry, I’m not going to become a dog blogger – I might write about our adventures from time to time, but the main reason I wanted to share Kylie’s arrival is that, well, it’s a huge deal for me, but also, just a week with her has made a huge difference in my emotional wellbeing.  Having a routine, getting outside and walking, having something besides my whacked-out mind to concentrate on, has helped me come out of my most recent depressive swing, and no matter how our relationship unfolds, I’ll always be grateful to Kylie for that.  She’s a great dog, and we’re going to have so much fun together.

Now if I can just get her to stop humping my leg.*

If you’re interested in Best Friends, you can learn all about them on their website, watch Dogtown on Netflix, and also order their awesome guide Dog Tips from Dogtown: a Relationship Manual for You and Your Dog. Their storefront also has everything from treats and toys (for dogs and cats) to pet responsibility charts for kids.

If you live in the Austin area and are looking for a new family member, Austin Pets Alive! has dozens of amazing dogs and cats who are looking for you, too.  Save a life!

 

 

*Note:  Don’t worry, I know why she does that, and I’m working with her not to feel like she has to mark me as her territory.  I’ve done my homework.

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TVD Recap, Episode 312: The Ties that Bind
January 20th, 2012

About one minute from the end of tonight’s TVD I was thinking to myself, “You know, this episode is just okay. It’s kind of uneven and wonky and OMG DID THAT JUST HAPPEN” and I barked and clapped like a coked-out seal.

But first, my two gripes.

I really, really didn’t like the werewolf storyline this time through. Bringing back Bad Daddy just seemed…totally random, and a genuinely dumb idea all around. Caroline’s reactions to things seemed a bit off, too.

Second (and only other major) gripe: I’m having a damned hard time giving a crap about Stefan’s little feelers being hurt that Elena and Damon kissed. He’s basically forfeited his right to have any say in the matter.  You don’t go fake-driving someone off the bridge where her parents died and then get to be indignant that she might, just might, want to be with someone else right now.

Which of course means the minute he tells her he still loves her she’ll be back on that bipolarcoaster within two episodes, max.  In that case I’m going to feel rather unfairly manipulated, and feeling dicked around by writers makes me cranky.

I am aware of the irony.

Like I said on Twitter, I don’t really want Elena to be with Damon – I just want her to bang him like a kettledrum.   Like a Tibetan temple gong.  Like a screen door in a hurricane. LIKE RIGHT NOW.

Little Coffin in the Big Woods

Bonnie is dreaming about the Boxed Set again, but this time, in a graveyard made of the extremely fake headstones of her ancestors. Klaus appears, in order to bring a certain air of studliness to the proceedings.

KLAUS:  *is cryptic*

BONNIE:  *is munched upon*

We then get to have my worst nightmare, being buried alive – but I guess technically the coffin isn’t buried, since after Bonnie screams and struggles and mutters Witch Latin in a futile attempt to escape, the coffin lid opens, and:

BONNIE’S MOM:  *is way too freaking young, I swear to God this show makes me feel like a decrepit old senior*

Moldy Manor

Bonnie has brought Elena in on the search for the locked box opener, which means they can recap everything we know about the coffins so far.

STEFAN:  Bonnie, have I mentioned how much you suck at secret keeping?  Cuz it’s a lot.

BONNIE:  I need Elena’s help to find the woman in my dreams.  See, here’s her picture.

ELENA:  OMG, BABY BONNIE’S HAIR IS THE CUTEST THING EVER.

BONNIE:  Can we focus, please?

*TITLE CARD*

Gilbert House of Pain

The girls Scooby it up, because for some reason the Mystic Falls Sheriff’s Office is totally fine with giving a teenage girl records of every single Abby Bennett it can come up with.  Man, if Internal Affairs ever gets its eye on Sheriff Forbes, she is so screwed.

BONNIE:  Thank you for helping me with this, even though things have been weird with us lately.

ELENA:  Things have been weird with us since season 1.  You know, you could just stay out of it and let Stefan deal with the whole situation.

BONNIE:  There are spells involved.  Therefore I MUST intervene.  After this I’m going on a cross-country tour of covens to stick my nose into all their drama.

ELENA:  That’s a lot of drama.

BONNIE:  Meddling is the Bennett way.  Besides, I was bound to end up meeting my mom sooner or later.

DAMON: That’s my cue.

Damon has used his eyebrows compulsion to get the file they actually need, saving us a lot of time.

BUFFY:  Dammit, why couldn’t our vampires have had compulsion powers?  Think of all the time we would have saved!

WILLOW:  But then you wouldn’t have needed us Scoobies.

BUFFY:  …right.

BONNIE:  Yep, this is her.

DAMON:  Yay, road trip!  I’ve already got beef jerky and Corn Nuts and my Best of Journey CD ready to go–

ELENA:  You’re not coming.  Bonnie needs to meet her mom without you making eyebrows at her.

DAMON:  *puppy face, now with personal space violation*

BONNIE:  What’s with you two?

DAMON: (actual dialogue)  We kissed.  Now it’s weird.  Have a great trip!

BONNIE’S EXPRESSION:  *is priceless*

Caroline’s House of WTF is This Bullshit Subplot?

Caroline comes home to find Tyler in her living room.

CAROLINE:  Get your wolf ass out of my house.

TYLER:  I realized I have no control, even though I thought I did, so I did something made of pure genius.  I present to you:  BAD DADDY.

BAD DADDY:  *blathers something about Tyler making a mistake and wanting to make good and oh, how he understands that, whatever, you asshole*

Caroline GOES ALONG WITH IT.  The entire audience throws things at her.

Get Yer Flirt on at Mystic Grill

Alaric and Meredith are finishing up a nice, fairly normal lunch, so Damon drops by to sow the seeds of discord.

DAMON:  Face it, Ric…a girl that hot, that smart…she’s got to have a kill room and a clown suit stashed away.

ALARIC:  Her ex, the ME, called her a psycho.

DAMON:  Maybe that’s why she staked him.

ALARIC:  I’m never gonna get laid again.

Salvatore Den of Antiquities

Stefan arrives to loud music and Klaus on his couch.  It’s hard to say which annoys him more.

They engage in another round of dick-waving.

STEFAN:  Don’t fuck with me, or I’ll take your Boxed Set and sell it on Ebay.

KLAUS:  So how’s that whole being a psycho thing working out?  Is anyone still talking to you?

Darth Stefan, who has suddenly morphed into Cracks in the Armor Stefan, looks pensive.

Bonnie’s Car

The girls discuss Bonnie’s mom, and what a deadbeat she is, but Bonnie would prefer to talk about something way more fun:  Elena and Damon.

BONNIE:  Was it good?

THE AUDIENCE:  YEAH, TELL US.

ELENA:  I refuse to answer on the grounds that it might have been awesome.

Stefan calls for his five-minute update, and Elena lies her ass off to him about where they’re going, as all those years of being a crazy bugger have not in any way shape or form taught Stefan how to be suspicious, especially of teenage girls who are terrible liars.

Thank God for Klaus’s Unlimited Minutes

Klaus and hybrid…Daniel, I think his name was…converse, and Klaus tells him to go ahead with the plan; we see that Daniel is parked outside a cheerful red farmhouse, which cannot possibly bode well for whomever lives inside (and I think we all know who that is).

Sure enough, Hybrid Dan knocks on the door, and Abby Bennett-Wilson answers.

Bonnie and Elena pull up outside some time later, Bonnie looking like she’s rather eat a bowl of scorpions than do this.  They head for the door, only to be met by an Attractive Young Black Man Who is Probably Doomed.

YOUNG MAN:  I’m Jamie.

BONNIE:  I’m looking for Abby.  My mom.

Elena seems to think Bonnie should Get Up on That.  Elena always nudges Bonnie toward attractive black guys; I’m beginning to think Elena must want all attractive black guys to die. 

JAMIE:  So Abby’s awesome – she took me in and raised me like her precious precious firstborn, and…wow, this must kind of suck for you to hear.

ABBY:  Hey Jamie, who’s driving that yuppie mobile outside the…oh hell.

BONNIE:  Hi Mom.

Bonnie looks like she desperately wants to be overjoyed but is way too knotted up with fear and anger to even move.

Lockwood Family Bondage Cave

Bad Daddy’s plan of action:  make turning into a wolf a painless, at-will thing for Tyler so he won’t feel grateful to Klaus for saving him from the curse.  Sounds like Bad Daddy passed his Psych 101 class at community college.  *eyeroll*

Caroline for some reason is going along with this, proving that her good sense is not, in fact, infallible; in a way that’s kind of comforting, if a really badass character can be completely dunderheaded once in a while when love overwhelms reason.  I still think she needs to kick Bad Daddy in the junk a few times.

BAD DADDY:  So the solution, obviously, is to chain him up and torture him.

CAROLINE:  That’s your solution for everything!  Man, I feel sorry for your boyfriends!

Back on the Farm

Time for some revelations!

ABBY:  I thought some muffins would cut down on the awkward.

BONNIE:  *icy death glare*

ELENA:  ….um, nice house.

ABBY:  Aw, you give bland compliments just like your mom used to do!

ELENA:  You knew my mom?

ABBY: She and I were like BFF until one day this big crazy vampire came to town trying to find the doppelganger.  I lured him away and chained his ass up in a coffin, but after that my magic blew out and for some reason I never came back to Mystic Falls even though I had a child there.

BONNIE:  If you don’t have magic you’re pretty much useless to me.  It’s not like you could know anything else about this whole situation, or have any spellbooks or objects that might be helpful, or know a guy who knows a guy – sorry.  No magic, no helpy.  Bye.

ABBY:  Wait!  Talk to me.

ELENA:  I’ll be outside in the totally not spooky barn.

STEFAN:  Hey, me too!

AUDIENCE:  *facepalm*

Mystic Falls General Hospital

Damon has decided that Meredith warrants further study, so he accosts her at work, as one does.

DAMON:  Want to hear a funny story?  Yeah, this hot chick who’s into my boo went all stabbity on her ex boyfriend and then got to sign his death certificate as an “animal attack.”  What kind of animal was it, a Stakeosaurus?

MEREDITH:  *vervains the fuck out of him*

When we return from commercial, Meredith is taking a vial of blood out of Damon’s arm; she leaves him unconscious in the hospital room and vanishes.

Bondage Cave

Tyler screamy torture psychobabble whatever Caroline doesn’t want to watch so she leaves.

BAD DADDY:  Well, if you won’t turn on your own, I’ll just take this axe and chop off one of your members.  Because I WUV MY DAUGHTER ENOUGH TO TORTURE HER UNBEARABLY and therefore torturing you is just cake.

Abby’s Love Farm

ABBY:  Muffin?

BONNIE:  Cut the crap.  Why didn’t you come home?

ABBY:  I wanted to be someone else.  I didn’t want to be a Witch anymore.  And you had your Grams, and she’s way more awesome than I ever could be, and–

BONNIE:  Yeah, about Grams…

ABBY:  *cries*

BONNIE:  *cries*

ABBY:  Now that we’re bonding, why don’t you tell me about this little coffin problem?

BONNIE:  Who said anything about–

ABBY:  MUFFIN problem.  Tell me about your favorite muffins.  I can help you, you know, if you confide in me, preferably with lots of details about locations and any Boxed Sets you might have found on Ebay.

Outside, Stefan and Elena argue over what a dick he is.  Stefan kicks a chair, summoning Jamie.  Stefan gets threatful with Jamie and compels him to run along.

ELENA:  Remember that sex we were going to have again, ever?  Well, you’re a quarter-inch closer to me never loving you up again.

JAMIE:  Maybe this load of wood buckshot will help.

Inside, Bonnie hears the shot and starts to run to help, only to be herbally roofied by Abby.

Alaric’s Loft

Alaric is lifting weights.  Damon has come over to watch.

DAMON:  You’re going to need to do some more reps if you want to date this chick.  She vervained me and bloodjacked me.

ALARIC:  Damn, but we come up with fun verbs on this show, don’t we?

The Barn

Jamie, obviously compelled, ties Elena to a post while Stefan writhes on the ground apparently unable to dig the wood out of his own body.  I guess his fingers are numb?

Abby drags unconscious Bonnie to her car, and Jamie runs over to help load her up.  This would all be very shocking if it were remotely shocking, but we kind of saw this coming the minute Hybrid Dan arrived at the farmhouse.

Bondage Cave

If someone were to open up a Chains N’Things store in Mystic Falls and sell something that could hold down a werewolf, they’d make a killing. 

BAD DADDY:  *is munched upon*

AUDIENCE:  YAY!!!

Random Highway 121

Abby pulls up to where Hybrid Dan is waiting for her.  Abby tells him that Bonnie didn’t spill the beans about where the coffins are.  Why they needed to have this conversation here instead of at the farm or on the phone is beyond me.

ABBY:  Bonnie, you have to tell me where the coffins are or Jamie’s compelled to shoot himself.

To fool Hybrid Dan into thinking they’re holding up their end of the deal, Abby passes Bonnie her phone with “warn your friends” on the screen, presumably so Bonnie can safely reveal the Boxed Set’s location and someone back in MF can move the coffins before Klaus gets there.  Bonnie, who has been involved in the deaths of far too many attractive young lads, decides to save this one.

The Barn of Ouch

Stefan is groaning and growling, and Elena has nearly got her ropes rubbed through. 

Jamie, confused and scared about what’s happening to him, tells Elena that he’s bound to shoot anyone who gets in the way, and if the plan fails he has to kill himself.  Elena, rocking those big frontal lobes, asks what Hybrid Dan said about her.

JAMIE:  I’m not supposed to hurt you.

ELENA:  Ow, these ropes are all tight and burny on my iddle wrists!

JAMIE:  Oh, well, I’ll just loosen them for you–

ELENA:  BUFFY POWERS ACTIVATE!

She seizes the gun and knocks Jamie unconscious with it as if it’s the most natural thing in the world. 

AUDIENCE:  Yay! Another Gilbert takes a level in badass!  Go Elena!

STEFAN:  I need you to dig in my chest with your bare hands.

ELENA:  Are you sure I can’t use a chainsaw?

Moldy Manor

Damon gets to the coffin room, where Klaus is waiting for him.

KLAUS:  I’m here for my Witchy migraine.

DAMON:  Well, by all means, then.

Klaus informs the dead Witches that he’ll hunt down all the Bennetts and their descendants and kill everyone, and they back off.

KLAUS:  Now then.  My coffins, if you please.

*Three coffins appear*

KLAUS:  Where’s the locked box?

DAMON:  *grin*

KLAUS:  YOU ARE SO DEAD.

DAMON:  You mean “dead sexy.”  And also, I am full of pure win this episode, so you might as well just take your three coffins and go home.

MFGH

Alaric confronts Meredith about her bizarre behavior, and we find out what she wanted with Damon’s blood:  she injects it into Bad Daddy, who was brought in dying from an animal attack.

MEREDITH:  That’s my big secret.  I cheat death.

ALARIC:  So how come this town has the highest mortality rate in the state?

The Barn

Elena continues digging bits of wood out of Stefan’s chest.  She’s so matter-of-fact about the situation that he finds himself staring at her, somewhat taken aback.

STEFAN:  You’ve changed.  You’re all Tomb Raider and stuff.

ELENA:  Well, thanks to you, I had to.  Also, I kissed your brother

STEFAN:  *wibble*

AUDIENCE:  Wow, Elena, your sense of timing is a thing of beauty.

Stefan walks away, genuinely upset, and Elena is surprised that he’s visibly upset by the news.  It would seem that Cracks in the Armor Stefan is starting to unravel a little.

I wish it was half as moving as the phone call in the season premiere, but after everything Stefan’s done to push Elena away, I still just can’t find it in my shriveled heart to feel sorry for him.  That’s not to say I don’t think his reaction is appropriate – or that his confrontation with Damon here in a minute was off base – it’s just that I don’t feel sorry for him anymore. 

I don’t want to feel sorry for him.  Mopey Self-Loathing Stefan is as boring as season 1 Elena.  But if they’re planning to get these two back together, as I’m certain they are, they really need to tread carefully with all of this.  If anyone can handle it, TVD can, but still, I worry.  This would be very, very easy to do badly.

To Elena’s credit, she doesn’t apologize. 

STEFAN:  I guess kidnapping you and that whole bridge thing was a bad idea.

ELENA:  No shit.

STEFAN:  You’re better than Damon.  Better than both of us.

AUDIENCE:  *eyeroll*

Highway Whatever

ABBY:  I lost my magic because I left you.  Maybe if you help me get it back I can help you.

BONNIE:  I thought you didn’t want it?

ABBY:  I’d do it for you.

BONNIE:  Hey, guilt is kind of awesome.

 Hospital

Tyler visits Bad Daddy and apologizes for basically killing him.  Bad Daddy informs him that this is only the beginning, and that they have a lot of work to do before Bad Daddy lets Tyler near his beloved, beloved daughter, who he obviously adores and would never, ever allow to be hurt.

*gag*

 Gilbert House

Alaric brings Meredith home to show her his stake collection.  Sadly this is not a euphemism.

He also reveals the secret of the Gilbert ring, because lack of sex makes men do ill-advised things.

Just when things start to get sexy, Elena gets home.

ALARIC:  *is adorably flustered*

ELENA:  Ric, you live here too.  And you deserve some nookie.  Aunt Jenna’s gone, and it’s okay if you move on.

ALARIC:  I will not comment on any parallels in your storyline.

ELENA:  Thanks.

 Den of Antiquities, MOMENT OF IMPENDING AWESOME

Stefan, with his crazy eyes securely in place, asks Damon if he got the coffins out; Damon admits he only saved the locked box.

DAMON:  Bonnie’s mom isn’t going to be any help.

STEFAN:  Now my day is complete.

DAMON:  How’s Elena?

STEFAN:  *BROTHERSMACK*

DAMON:  Ah, I see.   Well, I guess I had that coming.  But I think I have something that will cheer you up a little.

STEFAN:  *icy death glare*

 Damon, in his best naughty little vampire fashion, holds up a dagger.

Haus of Klaus

HYBRID DAN:  Bet you’re glad to have most of your family back.  Are you going to let them out now?

KLAUS:  Not yet.

HYBRID DAN:  Yeah, but–*gurgle*

Hybrid Dan falls dead to the floor, and behind him, holding his heart and looking righteously pissed off, is

ELIJAH:  My side-part has had it with this bullshit.

AUDIENCE:  SQUEEEEEEEEEEEESPLODE AGAIN!

KLAUS:  Oh, bollocks.

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