I’m bored.

Important: This is not an invitation for the gods to kick me in the head or throw drama my way.  I’m simply saying that in the absence of a spiritual compass, and with a lot of things going much more smoothly in my life, I am finding that there are holes that need to be filled in the road of my journey.  In fact the road is starting to look like it was paved by the State of Louisiana.

(No offense, LA, but your roads are kind of awful.)

When life is all suffering and woe, it’s interesting, isn’t it?  Drama and depression both create an instant well of self-fascination.  Surely no one else has ever been this miserable! Look ye upon the poetic blackness of my soul! There isn’t time to look over everyday life and think, “I should get out more.” You’re far too busy being in pain.

I don’t mean to trivialize depression, of course. It’s horrible…worse than it looks from the outside, by far.  I’ve come to the conclusion that my brain chemistry is simply borked, and that I may well be on some form of drug for the rest of my life.  The condition has recurred since I was a teenager and has never gone away.  As I work to untangle the Gordian knot of my psyche and tease the threads apart one by one, I might one day be free of it, but the idea of being a Lifer isn’t as scary as it used to be, because I know that I’m treatable, if not curable. Accepting that made a huge difference in how competently I handle my emotions.  Bottom line:  it’s okay to be fucked up.  I’m working on it. I can hold a job, keep friends, and contribute to society, which is more than I can say for a lot of people who’ve never been diagnosed as anything other than “asshole.”

But depression generates a distorted, poisonous ego trip in which the universe contracts to a fixed point (yourself), but you’re afraid to look too closely at yourself for fear that the lies you tell yourself about yourself turn out to be the truth.   You become dangerously self-obsessed and yet blinded to the real essence of who you are.

Once you start to come out of a black period, or a period of life that’s full of roller coaster highs and lows either internal or external in origin, and things calm down a bit, you are able to see the areas of your life that need healing or at least some healthy excitement.  Not flaws in your character that need to be scoured away–just spots where you wish you could do a little more, get out a little more, try a little harder, try something new.

There are plenty of things I need to work on–my health is still in sad shape and my efforts so far in 2010 to improve it have met with frustrated failure…well, that’s not absolutely true.  I’ve learned a lot and hope that that newfound knowledge will kick into action…soon?  Maybe?  Again, frustrating.  But I know myself better than I did two months ago, and that pleases me.

Meanwhile I’m working on a second novel, have overhauled my website, and feel…bored.  I need adventure and spice and some kind of poking stick to wake up my hibernating spirit.

To that end, I’m going to Portland.

View of Haystack Rock, in Oregon

A lovely friend–she who took my latest author headshots as well as the dancing image of me you see on the front page–and I are heading West this weekend for a short but (I hope) merry adventure that will involve a visit to StudioNia, Powell’s city-block-sized bookstore, the Oregon coast, Muir forest (REDWOODS OMG!), as well as an overnight in the Bay Area and possibly a few hours in Vegas on the way home.  It’ll be an activity packed weekend on the cheap, and the best thing about it is, we’re going with the sort-of-spontaneous plan instead of something rigidly structured.  We have destinations in mind, a tentative itinerary, highlighted maps, my Macbook, and a city with some of the best mass transit in the country at our feet.

I’ve wanted to see the West Coast for years, and Portland for at least a decade–why?  Aside from the fact that it’s sort of a vegan Mecca, it strikes me as a slightly less scalding hot version of Austin, with the ocean right there, and mountains and huge trees (OMG!) nearby, and an urbane population fond of local food, community building events, and sustainable urban development.

All the places I’ve dreamed of living have involved big, big trees, cliff-edged oceans (not typical beaches for sunbathing, more like the rugged West Coast), mountains, and a milder climate than our Texas May-October Triple Digit Insanity. Portland sounds like absolute heaven to me.  Now I’ll finally have a chance to see if the dream I have is even close to the reality.  There are a lot of things I love about Austin, but the #1 thing I don’t love is the climate–it’s just too hot here.  #2 is the Republicans, of which there are substantially fewer in Austin, but I can feel them out there beyond our borders, creeping around in the dark waiting for the state legislature to open so they can stream in and crowd out our hybrids with their Hummers and McCain/Palin bumperstickers.  Be ye warned, young lad…beyond the edge of Austin…there be rednecks.

At any rate, this weekend’s trip is meant to start a new agenda for my life of daring as opposed to daydreaming.  I’m tired of saying “one of these days I should…”  I want to get up and do! Laurie, one of my soul sisters, gave me a Powell’s gift card specifically to prod me to go to PDX instead of just talking about it.  And now I’m going to! How about that?

I am, however, scared of flying (and scared of being booted off for being too fat to fly, like Kevin Smith), so if you wouldn’t mind lighting a candle for the safe and happy return of myself and my companion to ATX after a lovely weekend abroad, I would much appreciate it.

If you live in the PDX area, feel free to suggest places we might like to go–are there any Pagan stores?  I’ve charted most of the veg-friendly eateries that sound cool, and we have intentions to visit Chinatown for the Chinese New Year celebration that’s still going on this weekend, but our schedule is very loose and free and open to suggestion.

We all start out a little nuts, don't we?

Once I get back, well, it’s time for this girl to get off her butt and down to business.  I’ve got a book to write, a body to coax gently away from the Krispy Kreme box, a blog to update, and I’ve decied there shall be more adventure! Austin is no slouch when it comes to having fun stuff to do–I’ve just been too lazy or socially anxious to seek them out.  Not anymore! I shall learn more of this great city if for no other reason than to deem it cooler than Portland.  *laugh* I’m also thinking of taking a cake decorating class and actually offering my services for events that require cupcakes or other delicious vegan baked goods, perhaps even weddings and handfastings.  Not an official business, just a friends-do-for-friends thing to recoup the cost of supplies. I want to know if my love of baking is something I should put more energy into, or if it’s just going to be a sometime-lover.

However, there will be time for all of that on Wednesday of next week.  Wish us luck and safety on our adventures!  I may have a few small blogs or at least Facebook and Twitter updates during the trip, but otherwise I should be back here about a week from now!