Trust your intuition! Listen to your inner voice! Trust, trust, trust!
Allow me a polite guffaw.
For years now various mystical oracles and non-mystical sources have been telling me I have to learn to trust my intuition; you would think that would be the sort of thing you learn in Witchy Kindergarten, but I think I had chicken pox that week.
Periodically I decide I’m going to listen to my Inner Self or whoever’s in there, and I take deep breaths and listen, following the pull of my internal knowing…in exactly the wrong damn direction. I end up with the stalker ex-friend, driving down the exact stretch of road covered in carpet tacks all pointed upward, waiting in the longest possible line at the bank, and adopting the dog that tries to eat my cat.
Being a mystical sort, I know the value of intuition and of trusting myself – or, at the very least, trusting the Universe/God/Whomever will steer me toward the right path. Yet, there’s knowing that value, and then there’s figuring out how to do it.
I’ve had voices clamoring for my attention my entire life. A lot of them have been dirty rotten liars like the Evil Auctioneer, whose litany of “You’re not good enough can I get a fat ugly dumbass fat ugly dumbass that’s a fat ugly loser in the corner yes sir going once!” has buzzed around my mind like a gnat since puberty. He’s got a lot of friends, each less trustworthy than the last, but they’re all loud, and they NEVER STOP TALKING. How, then, do I learn which voice belongs to me, or to God, and who to listen to and who to kick in the metaphorical junk?
Well, it looks like I’m going to find out whether I want to or not. As 2011 ended every time I went to meditate on a “theme word” for 2012 I kept coming back around to the same one: TRUST.
Aw, come on, I said. Can’t I have JOY? Or PROSPERITY? Or even just good old NOOKIE?
No? Damn it.
The kind of TRUST I’m being led toward isn’t the garden variety trusting-in-other-people kind; it’s going to take way more than a year for me to learn that, given my history, and more importantly, the kind of trust I need – trust in myself, my own wisdom, my own strength; and trust in God – has to come before I can trust other people anyway.
I’ve already had several lessons just in the first month of the year. It’s a slow process, like everything else worth doing, and already has me climbing the walls of my own head – it gets awfully loud in here, and I had let all those yummy spiritual practices that calm the storm and quiet the mind slip out of my grasp the last couple of years. Step one: Sit down and shut up.
Step two: Hope like hell that next year’s word is NOOKIE.
Don’t you hate it when the universe wants you to learn something you don’t wanna? :3
My word for the year is Rise, which is just as scary for me as Trust seems to be for you. Looks like we’re both going to have to do some pulling up of Big Girl Pants this year.