TVD Episode Recap: 314, Dangerous Liaisons

You know, for a show with so much sexual tension, very little actual sexing occurs on TVD, and I for one am prepared to Twitter rant at Kevin and Julie about it! In fact I shall offer death threats and impugn their honor, for I, as a fan, am entitled to exactly what I want!

Just kidding. I’m going to watch the show and enjoy how impossible everything seems so that those little moments of awesome are more satisfying, because a) that’s what makes it fun and b) I AM NOT A BRATTY LITTLE ASSHOLE.

Sorry, fandom, but I just don’t get it.  Yeah, there’s stuff on this show I don’t like. I want to smack Elena (in the head) almost as often as I want to smack Damon (on the ass).  But I’m in it for the long haul because this show is fantastic, and I have faith that even if things don’t go 100% how I want them to, they’ll be done well.

Once upon a time I was in love with a show called Bones, and I was very invested in the main pairing.  For several years I pined for them to hook up, but I knew as soon as it happened the dynamic would change, so part of me loved that tension, that edge of suffering that kept me coming back.  When the show really started to suck (to me) because I could no longer hang with the writing, it was painful, genuinely painful, to let it go.  I felt manipulated and dicked around by the writers.

Did I hurl abuse at them on Twitter? No, I did not.  I ranted to my co-fans, stopped watching the show, and found something else to love.  Because ultimately, IT WASN’T ABOUT ME.

I’m just so over this bullshit.  I’ve never met Julie or Kevin or any of the TVD writers in person, but just from Julie’s Twitter she seems like “my people,” and I really, really hate it when people are mean to my people.  Especially since I’ve been on the other end, receiving hateful emails and Tweets just because I wrote something that didn’t go the way someone wanted it to.

If you want to write a bad review, fine. That’s your right as a consumer.  Everybody’s gotta hate something, right? At least in America.  But a little courtesy toward the people who are bringing you something you supposedly love is not too much to ask.  If the show makes you that angry, you need therapy, not TV.

Ahem.  Sorry for the rant, on with the recap.

Mystic Falls General Hospital

(Also known as the Gilbert Vacation Home.)

Elena and Matt let us know that Alaric won’t be in this episode; he’s in the hospital for “observation,” which makes me wonder what other fetishes Meredith has, after that whole stabbity-palooza of last week’s episode. 

MATT:  I wonder who’s behind all of this? I sure hope it doesn’t turn out to be me, under some kind of compulsion.

ELENA:  Nah, it’s probably that shadowy figure in the other room watching us.

THAT PLOTLINE:  Will have to wait until later.

After rehashing other bits of the plot to keep us all on the same page (Caroline’s dad died, Tyler’s MIA, et cetera) Elena and Matt part ways in the parking lot.

MATT:  Get home safe.

ELENA:  God damn it, Matt, you know that means something bad is going to happen now!

SOMETHING BAD:  *happens*

REBEKAH:  Boy, are you in for it, little Missy.

ELENA:  Why am I the only person on this show who can just instantaneously forget about people doing crappy shit to me?

ELIJAH: Here I come to save the daaaaaaaaay!

*title card*

Gilbert House

Elena, who appears to be cleaning up Alaric’s blood (remarkably calmly, I might add – I think even knowing he’s alive I’d be kind of freaked about it.  Or maybe she’s used to mopping up after her relatives by now), informs the Brothers that the Mystery Box did, indeed, contain Original Mama.

STEFAN:  So…the one thing that could kill Klaus wants to stay and play Haus with him.  That’s just awesome.

ELENA:  Elijah promised that his family would leave everybody alone, and we have no reason to doubt him, right?

BROTHERS:  …

The doorbell rings, and Elena finds a lovely handwritten invitation to a ball…an actual, honest-to-god ball, thrown by the Mikaelson family.

NOBODY:  Hey, I thought everyone hated Mikael?  Why wouldn’t they just go by Estherson?

ELENA:  There’s a note on the back that says Esther wants to meet me.

DAMON:  You have got. To be kidding. Me.  How the hell did they put together a formal ball this fast?

STEFAN:  Dude, you saw how fast Klaus renovated the Haus. Obviously they’ve compelled a legion of party planners.

Haus of Klaus (et al)

The Original Kids are getting ready for the ball, and it turns out the little one’s kind of a douchebag with a really bad accent.  Rebekah is still bitchy – and for some reason, even though I used to hate her, I kind of enjoy her now.  Seems I’m not the only one, but we’ll get to that later.

KLAUS:  You went after Elena!

KOL:  I am rebellious and posh and I’ll kick your hybrid ass!

KLAUS:  Mooooooooom!  Kol’s touching me!

ESTHER:  I DON’T WANT ANYONE IN THIS HOUSE TOUCHING ANYONE EVER AGAIN!

Because parents are not interested in justice -they want QUIET!  (That was totally a Bill Cosby thing, which most of you are probably too young to have heard, so just ignore me.)

Esther draws Klaus aside.  She’s looking very modern, and appears to be a quick study – but, it turns out, she *has* been on the Other Side for 1000 years, her punishment for creating vampires, so I guess she’s had lots of time to listen to talk radio and watch people pee in the shower.

Esther points out, quite rightly, that Klaus can’t expect them to just forgive him right away after all the crap he pulled.

KLAUS:  But you forgave me, and I killed you even more than I killed them.

ESTHER:  A thousand years has given me perspective, my son.  Forgiveness is a gift.

Klaus should probably wonder what else she’s gotten into perspective since then, but it would seem he’s still so obsessed with getting the family together, and having everything be all Normal Rockwell via Tim Burton that he accepts what she says, and we get to see a strange side of Klaus:  one that seems almost guileless.  It’s as if he’s happy to turn the whole thing over to his mother, to let her be the mother, and no longer have to be the one trying to hold things together (in his twisted way).  Really, he died a child – and never really matured much past his age the way some vampires seem to, and it’s hard to look at him with Esther and not want him to get some measure of peace, just for a minute, before everything goes to hell.

Anyway, Esther even teases Klaus that he needs to find a date for the ball, and we get tonight’s first glimpse of Twitterpated Klaus, which I think might just be my new favorite Klaus.

Gilbert House

Back in the land of less interesting relationships, Damon and Stefan are arguing over who gets to take Elena to the ball.  Big shocker there, right?  Stefan does his usual whiny bratting over Damon having kissed her, and Damon is as usual overprotective because for some reason Elena still has a death wish. 

The end result seems to be a stalemate.  So that should go well.

Caroline’s House

Caro gets a voice mail from Tyler:

TYLER:  Caroline, I’m sorry about everything, and about your dad, and my being sire-bonded to that incredibly charming, handsome fellow with the nice accent who gives you jewelry and looks so hot in a Henley–DAMN IT KLAUS.  I’m out here trying to get my free will back, because I love you, and I’ll come home once I know I can, you know, not murder you to death.  Okaybye.

Caroline hangs up the phone just in time to hear someone at the door; she finds a brown and cream-wrapped box and an invitation waiting for her.  On the back of her invitation is a note from Klaus to “save him a dance.”  In the box is a…well, a giant blue meringue, it looks like, covered in mesh, but I’m guessing it’s a very fancy dress.

And because our Caroline is So Over That Shit, her response is, “SERIOUSLY?”

Mystic Grill

CAROLINE:  This whole thing is just some Cinderella fetish gone horribly wrong and I am so not going to end up losing shoes and shit.

ELENA:  But I need you to go with me, to act as my bodyguard.

CAROLINE:  Why not one  of the Boys?  Like STEFAN.  Who you HAVEN’T been macking with lately.  Yeah, I know all about it, and am about to lay some girl guilt down on you.

ELENA:  Wait, so…Stefan left a trail of bodies up and down the Eastern Seaboard, helped Klaus create the hybrids that include Tyler, killed two people at our school, killed Andie Starr, bit me, then force fed me his blood and threatened to drive me over Wickery Bridge…and you think I should get up on that.

CAROLINE:  It beats Mr. Kills Lots of Random People, then tries to turn you into a vampire, then breaks your brother’s neck, and —

ELENA:  Wait…why am I wanting either of these guys again?

CAROLINE:  BEATS THE FUCK OUT OF ME, girl.  I’ll settle for a nice normal werewolf, if I can ever get one again.

REBEKAH:  I’m here to make a joke about you STABBING ME IN THE BACK because you STABBED ME IN THE BACK.   *goes and gives Matt a ball invitation*

CAROLINE and ELENA:  @_@

Haus of Klaus plus Fünf

The party is already gearing up and we find Damon looking ravishing in his tux chatting it up with Carol Lockwood, who as mayor is apparently just going along with whatever the Originals want to do with her town, since, after all, they could kill every citizen in half an hour if they wanted to. 

KOL:  Mayor Lockwood, let’s introduce ourselves.  I’m the Bratty One.

DAMON:  I’m D–

KOL:  Here, hold my nutsack, it’s quite heavy–what, you don’t work here?

DAMON:  *eyebrow of foreboding*

Just then Elena arrives in a…well, a dress, I guess, although it’s a bit…well, it’s gold, and poofy, and let’s just go with that.  We’re definitely dealing with a higher social caste here – none of the girls are done up in that slightly oversexed teenager way they do at school dances.

Damon, of course, cannot keep his eyes off our fair Doppelganger, which of course means that Stefan will get there first.

A bit of sniping, and Elena ends up walking into the ball with a Salvatore on each arm, which of course we’ve all been dying to see…wait, no, what I’ve been dying to see is the threesome cover of EW actually happen on the show.  But I’m a patient woman, so I’ll wait for the dream sequence you know they’ll toss us one day.

Once inside, Finn comes up to Elena.

FINN:  Hello, Elena, I’m the Enigmatic One with the good accent.

ELENA:  Take me to your mother.

FINN:  You’ll have to shake your two firm, handsome, chiseled bodyguards.

ELENA:  Fine, why don’t you take them off to one of the bedrooms and–

ELIJAH: *throws +2 HoYay Cockblock* If everyone could gather please…

ELENA:  Dammit.

All of the Originals are assembled on the grand staircase, including Esther, and while Elijah informs them that they’re going to do one of those formal group dances like in the last ball…which ball was that? Oh, right, the Founders Memorial Miss Mystic Ball or something, the Brothers notice something.

DAMON:  Do you see who I see?

STEFAN:  Oh yes.

That exchange makes NO sense to me, even on third viewing, so if anyone can tell me what the hell they’re talking about, I’d appreciate it.  Are they saying Esther looks like someone else?  I dunno.

Elena attempts to follow Esther upstairs, but Damon blocks her and acts rather thuggishly to try and keep her “safe.”  Now…I’m torn about this, because on the one hand, if Elena’s really as suicidal as she seems to be, she’s never going to stop throwing herself into these situations; and she’s old enough to make at least some of her own decisions, like where to drop $2 grand on a dress, so Damon needs to back off.  Agreed.  However, Stefan later acting like he’s been the Good Brother because he let Elena come up with all her brilliant plans that never, ever worked doesn’t really put that many pluses in his column either. 

Really, you know what I think?  I think they should just level the playing field, zero out both brothers, and make them start over if they  want to pursue Elena.  If she absolutely cannot be by herself ever ever ever again, and must must must have a man to be complete, how about we wipe the slate clean and have her choose based on their actions starting right now?

Yeah, I know.  It would go about like it goes tonight.  *sigh*

Anyway, Damon ends up convincing Elena to dance with him, so we get to have our dancing scene of angsty goodness where everyone looks beautiful (except Stefan, who looks pouty).

Luckily, this is also where we get to see the newest Klaus doll on the market:  Klaus Comes a’Courtin!

Klaus Comes a’Courtin’ in fine style, complete with expensive dresses, diamond jewelry, charming one-liners, and more!

I gotta say, I love how Joseph Morgan has chosen to play this Twitterpated version of Klaus:  the intensity of his stares when he knows she’s not looking, the lowered face almost at “aw shucks” but not quite, the barely-visible vulnerability he lets her have a peek at…it’s really adorable. 

Klaus and Caroline spar a bit over the dress and the jewelry he gave her, and she’s generally snarky and resistant to his advances, because she’s Caroline, and she’s a magical unicorn.

KLAUS:  You’re a splendid dancer.

CARO:  That’s because I’m Miss Mystic Falls.

KLAUS:  *smiles softly* I know.

AUDIENCE:  *melts into puddle of awwwww*

Unfortunately now we get to watch Stefan and Elena…well, I was going to say they smolder at each other, but I don’t think Elena knows how to smolder and right now Stefan’s smolder comes off more as constipated. 

Let me say:  I really, really DO NOT WANT her and Stefan back together this quickly.  I won’t pitch a fit or anything, and I am not attached to the endgame either way, but after everything Stefan did this season  – whatever his motives – if Elena has any self-respect at all she won’t just take him back.  Eventually maybe.  But I don’t think I could let a guy touch me who had killed all those people – he wasn’t under compulsion when he did that, but he still tore their bodies to pieces and then reassembled them like a psychopath.  If I were her, even if I still loved Stefan (which of course she does, because emotions are not polite, and don’t care about ethics), I’d need time.  And space.  That goes the same for Damon, too.  He’s been a rock for her this season, but he hasn’t been an angel – and the fact is, they’re both VAMPIRES, I’m not sure I could handle being the girlfriend of anyone who’s one bad argument with me away from going out and ripping someone’s throat out, y’know? 

I just really hope that they take their time with this, and don’t rush it just to satisfy a few people who prize getting their way over good storytelling.  As long as it’s organic, and makes sense, and is done right, Elena could end up with Klaus for all I care.

Anyway, they dance, and Elena tells Stefan she needs a word, so they slink off.

Damon is dancing with Rebekah, and the two of them have such entertaining hate chemistry – they need hate!sex like a motherbear.  What I like about Rebekah as a female on this show is that she’s not as fragile and breakable as the younger girls; she’s got physical strength, isn’t quite as waify.  She seems like the kind of vampire Damon could throw around and do dirty dirty things to.  And let’s face it, the boy needs to get loved up, just so he can get his balls back on and gain a little perspective.  I think the Tractor Beam of Elena Cootchie has wiped out everyone’s minds.

Outside the Ball

Elena takes Stefan out where it’s quiet.

ELENA:  I need you to keep Damon off me.

STEFAN:  NO PROBLEM!

ELENA:  I mean, so I can talk to Esther.  All you care about is killing Klaus, right?  And all Damon cares about is me, so you have to stop him from interfering with my ill-thought-out plan to be alone with a thousand year old megawitch who tried to kill me from beyond the grave and is now acting like it’s all good.

STEFAN:  Okie doke.

ELENA:  I’ve always appreciated how you let me make my own decisions.  Except for that time you kidnapped me and force-fed me your blood and threatened to drown me, but I’ve already forgotten all about that since you made noises like you might feel bad about it, and that’s the same as being sorry.

STEFAN:  Oh, I’m so in there!

Back in the Ball

Rebekah conspires with the Bratty One to kill Matt just to piss off Elena.  I’m not really sure what the point of this is other than to establish Rebekah = not trustworthy (duh) or Kol = a bit douchey (duh squared).

Some Side Room

Damon walks in to where Elena waits for him.

DAMON:  I got your text.

STEFAN, behind him:  I got your necksnap.

DAMON:  I didn’t order a–

STEFAN:  Whoops, sorry.

ELENA:  You enjoyed that a little too much.

Elena heads down the hall to her meeting with Esther, only to be waylaid by Elijah, who hopes she’ll do him the honor of tattling on Mama Original, because Elijah has seen through Mama’s “forgiveness” and thinks something hinky is afoot.  Elena agrees to find him later and tell him everything.

Right.

Esther’s Room of Dodgy Dealings

Esther and Finn are setting things up, which means Esther is lighting up a sage bundle and Finn is pulling a dagger.  Guys, if you want to cover up the smell of pot, sage is kind of obvious, and it already smells like pot–go with frankincense, it’s a resinous scent so it…um…never mind.

Apparently the sage is Special Sage that will keep anyone from overhearing, so hey, maybe it is pot!

ESTHER:  I bet you have questions, Elena.

ELENA:  Boy howdy do I ever.  How long did it take you to figure out the flush toilet?  Because that would be really awkward.

ESTHER:  How about if I just tell you what I want you to know.  I’m not exactly a ghost, because the Witch Ayana put a spell on my body so I could get back in it later.  She was the first of the Bennett line, incidentally because on this show we believe in CONTINUITY, if not diversity, among witchy families.  That’s why Abby and Bonnie had to crack the Mystery Box, and that’s why I need you.

Outside, Among the Pretty Ponies

Caroline, being the girliest girl who ever tore someone’s throat out, loves horses.  Klaus decides to give it another shot.

KLAUS:  I love horses too you know.  My father killed mine, because my father was a bag of dicks.

CAROLINE:  Why did you invite me here?

KLAUS:  I fancy you.

AUDIENCE:  Awwwwwww…

Caroline ain’t having none of it, though, as she’s still pissed about Tyler being sire-bonded to Klaus, and biting her and all that.  She basically shoots Klaus down again and walks off.

Esther’s Dodgy Dealings

Esther confesses that turning her children into vampires was a horrible mistake, and that the only way to rectify it is to link all her children together and then kill them all at once.  She needs Elena’s blood to create the link.

ELENA:  Okay, sure.

AUDIENCE:  WAIIT…DON’T YOU WANT TO KNOW WHAT ELSE THE SPELL DOES? WHAT IF IT KILLS ALL VAMPIRES? WHAT IF IT KILLS ANYONE WHO DRINKS THE TOAST WHETHER THEY’RE VAMPIRES OR NOT?  DO THE RESEARCH ELENA!

ELENA:  Okay, sure!

Out in Ball Halla

Kol is impatiently egging Rebekah on toward killing Matt, but she’s already waffling – she doesn’t want to ruin Mother’s evening, or more likely, she never really intended to kill Matt but thought for a second she might save face with her psycho siblings.  They agree to meet outside.

Upstairs

Damon awakens from his broken spine in about the mood you’d wake up in, too; he slams Stefan into the wall and demands to know what the hell is going on.

STEFAN:  If you’d stop being such a dick and let her make her own choices–

DAMON:  Well if her choices didn’t involve getting her involved with you, who’s such a dick–

STEFAN:  Your emotions are clouding your judgment!  You’re a liability!  You care too much.  But since I get to pretend I don’t care, only to break down and care like a motherfucker later, you’ll go do something ill-advised and you’ll make me look like the stable brother AGAIN.  And I’ll get the girl, because you always forget this happens every time.

DAMON: DO YOU SEE THESE EYEBROWS? THESE ARE THE EYEBROWS OF FUTURE REGRET!

Outside

Rebekah and Matt take a stroll among the cars to get some air, and Matt is charming and sweet as always, and Rebekah, who has taken quite a shine to our Mr. Donovan, decides not to kill him after all, leaving Kol hovering in the background looking petulant.

Back at the Ball

Elijah finds Elena and asks what Esther had to say. 

ELENA:  *LIES HER ASS OFF*

Meanwhile the waiters are passing out champagne for the Cursed Toast Muahaha.

ESTHER:  Join me now in a toast to the family you’ve never really met until tonight, who are now BACK TOGETHER AS ONE.  Down the hatch, kids!

One by one, the camera focuses on each Original, and they all drink, though for just a second it looks like Elena wants to say something to Elijah…but doesn’t.

A Room of Klaus’s Own

CAROLINE:  So, why did we leave the fun party to be completely alone in this room where no one can hear me scream?

KLAUS:  So I can show you…my taste in art.

CAROLINE:  You drew these?

KLAUS:   Heartsnatching, large-scale murder, torture, compulsion, and mayhem are only a few of my interests, Caroline.  I also love art, horses, and ten-pin bowling.  Let me take you away from all this, anywhere you want to go.

CAROLINE:  Wow, must be nice to be able to steal or compel anyone to do anything, except for the part where you don’t have any real relationships because you’re so scared no one will love you…

KLAUS:  You and Bad Daddy took the same Psych 101 course, didn’t you?

CAROLINE:  Well, you can’t buy me, so here’s your bracelet back.

For a wonder, Klaus does not pitch a fit or try to kill or compel her or in any other way act bratty over it; he just looks upset and lets her walk away, you know, the way grown up men do when they’re shot down. 

Who’s got a dollar on Klaus letting Tyler go free when he comes back?

Back at the Ball

Rebekah has changed her mind about killing Matt, and Kol mocks her for it.

Elena is headed for the door, and Damon catches up to her with her wrap and a face full of pissed off over that whole neck-breaking thing that went down.

ELENA:  You’re mad at me for including Stefan?

DAMON:  I’m mad at you because I love you.

ELENA:  Well maybe that’s the problem.

AUDIENCE:  *flinches*

And we see the change come over Damon’s face that we’ve seen so many times before, and that Elena should recognize by now, as the “I’m about to lash out somehow that you are definitely not going to like” face.

CAROLINE:  Where’s Matt?

Off in some other part of the hall, Matt is wandering around looking like the next victim, when someone whispers his name out on a balcony.

KOL:  Hi, I’m here to kill you, because there’s one in every family.  First, I’m here to crush your hand.

MATT:  Hi, I’m here to OUCH!

DAMON:  *balcony shove, neck snap* How you like me now, douchebaby?

Everyone comes a-running to see what new shenanigans Damon has pulled, because obviously it couldn’t be anyone else’s fault, ever.

STEFAN:  Are you crazy?

DAMON:  Maybe a little.  < — Thus he describes himself perfectly.

And Damon, who is finally wearing his shit-eating grin again, walks away with a visible swagger that means he might have just uncapped the olive jar where Elena keeps his balls in the fridge and sacked the fuck up.

Caroline’s House

Caro calls Tyler and voicemails him that she misses him and really wishes he was there.  As she hangs up she sees yet another Klaus Box on her bed.

Frustrated, she yanks it open, expecting to find jewelry, only to find Klaus has hand-drawn a picture of her and a horse, and written across the bottom “Thank you for  your honesty.”

HE GAVE HER A PONY.  SHE IS SO DOOMED.

Haus of Klaus plus Fünf

Esther rails at Elijah for allowing violence to happen at her party.  Elijah promises he’ll deal with it, and for a moment Esther seems to genuinely regret what she knows she’s going to do to her single non-evil son.

Finn arrives, leaving him and Esther alone to finish the ritual to bind the family together (except Esther, who, not being a vampire, one would assume will just kill herself after, or maybe the final ritual to destroy them all will take her out too).  She needs Finn’s blood, and he’s on board with dying.

They do a neat piece of magic where the blood flows up into a family tree and then catches fire.   How come Bennett magic is never that cool?  I guess for the good special effects you have to level up a couple of times.

Gilbert House

Stefan has brought Elena home, because apparently Elena has decided she can ride in a car with him again without it ending in terror and blood.  Sure.

STEFAN:  So Esther’s going to kill them all…awesome.

ELENA:  It’s not that simple.  Elijah’s really dapper.  And noble.  And he makes those puppy dog eyes.

STEFAN:  What was with Damon earlier?

ELENA:  You know Damon, just being self-destructive.

I take issue with her saying that.  They know Damon was saving Matt, don’t they?  How is that self-destructive?  Normally when Elena says something cruel to him about how she’ll never love him, he goes and kills a random nice human somewhere, but this time, he channels his disappointment into saving Matt’s ass and then getting some ass.  I’d say that shows growth, wouldn’t you?

WHAT HAS THIS SHOW DONE TO ME.

Now, of course, they’re on the porch so Elena has to have Her Moment; she all but begs Stefan to “feel something again,” puts her hands on his face, wants to know how he can stand to not care when she feels everything, and she can’t stop feeling, et cetera.

Thank God, or at least thank Stefan, he doesn’t give in to the Power of the Porch, but walks away, saying something like “If I feel anything, all I feel is PAIN.”

This scene pissed a lot of people off because after all her stand-on-her-own stuff this season, here she was, practically throwing herself at him after everything that’s happened.  I get the anger, but I also kind of get what they’re aiming for here – that Elena wants Stefan to be himself again, not just so she can hop back on that, but for Stefan’s own good too. 

As I’ve said before, I don’t have anything invested in either pairing, although I do want to see Damon and Elena get it on like rabbits because they have such awesome chemistry (but let’s face it, Damon has chemistry with Elena, Stefan, Alaric, Rebekah, Klaus, Bonnie at times, Carol Lockwood, Mitt Romney, and random trees and statuary around Mystic Falls), so I’m fine with wherever the story goes – I just want it to make sense, and feel honest, not rushed or forced. 

And I don’t want Elena’s character to devolve after all her independence-gaining this season – oh sure, Stefan let her make her own decisions, but he sure didn’t leave her much time alone, did he?  He was just as possessive as Damon, just in a different way. 

Mystic Grill

Matt is brooding over his bandaged hand when Rebekah comes up to rub salt in his wounds.

REBEKAH:   Oh, salt doesn’t turn you on?  How about booze?

MATT:  I’d really, really like it if you got the fuck away from me.

Matt stalks off to figure out how he’s going to pay his medical bills on a busboy’s salary.

DAMON:  Rejected by the captain of the football team…welcome to adolescence.

REBEKAH:  I should have killed him.

DAMON:  You probably would have.

REBEKAH:  Are you saying I can’t be gentle?

DAMON:  I’m saying you shouldn’t have to be, nudge nudge, wink wink.

REBEKAH:  Wait, is that your normal eyebrow thing or do you want to do the sex?

Salvatore Boarding House of Red Hot Monkey Love

Damon and Rebekah do the sex.

The clothes-ripping, wall-slamming, standing up against a wall vampire sex that this show needs soooooo much more of.  NOM NOM NOM.

I find it interesting that when the supposedly “good” show, True Blood, does sex scenes, they’re always trashy and leave me feeling like I’ve been watching Jerry Springer; but when the supposedly “teen” show does sex it’s actually hot.  Probably because the people doing it aren’t totally reprehensible.  But that’s another rant for another time.

*title card*

Next Week:  Oh no!  Elena finds out the guy she won’t fuck fucked someone else!  Clearly he’s betrayed her! Oh, wait! How about someone who actually got fucked over, like Elijah, finding out what Esther really said?  That’s more like it! And Witches!  …Wait, don’t fall asleep, there’s fire too!

 

 

 

 

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