TVD Recap, Episode 412: A View to a Kill

(Image forthcoming!)

I apologize for how late this one was – time sort of got away from me, as I’m dealing with some actual real life stuff that can’t be ignored.  But I swore to myself I’d get this one up before 413 airs, so, here we go.

Once again, because I’m so damn sick of hearing the phrase, I’m going to replace “the cure” with something, this time, “the THUNDERDICK.”  That’s the only substitution this time out, though, because I’ll be damned if I didn’t really enjoy this episode!  I know, right?  I felt like the character writing was the strongest it’s been since Memorial, and even more amazing, I found myself enjoying characters I don’t normally, specifically Elena and Bonnie.  Both had quite a bit more fire than usual this episode – and if the price of getting more badass Bonnie is having both of her parents lurking around pretending like they’re actual parents, well, so be it.  Bon’s situation in particular is interesting because both sides of the argument are right:  Bonnie is not fully in control of herself, but she shouldn’t be under her parents’ control either, because she’s demonstrated more maturity than either parent by, oh, let’s say, not running away and abandoning their loved ones. 

Elena, meanwhile, started getting all spunky when Rebekah had her and the others chained to that library table for what seemed like hours, and we get to keep Spunky Elena at least for this episode.  I want whoever’s writing her dialogue right now to keep doing it.  I could really like Elena if she wasn’t so freaking NICE all the time, if she rocked her vampire snark – if she tried to learn how to be a good vampire Elena instead of a vampire version of human Elena.  We seemed to be headed in that direction when she was hooking up with Damon, but then they completely screwed it up with the whole sire bond thing.  Regardless of how this whole THUNDERDICK! situation shakes out, she’s got to put on her big girl panties and her ass-stomping boots, pour some gasoline on her Petrova Fire, and get down to business.  I want to see genuine badass Elena, not momentary “Oh, I did something naughty and now I must atone extra hard” Elena.  I want to see the Salvabore brothers have to deal with an Elena who’s fully herself for herself and doesn’t give the furry crack of a rat’s ass what they think – they can either accept who she wants to be and help her reach that for herself, or they can jolly well fuck off and go a’moping all over the US if they please.

So.  When last we left our intrepid MacGuffinhunters, Kol had come around and wreaked a bit of havoc, Daggers were flying everywhere with various threats on various Originals, and Elena finally came up with a damn good plan, although something of a logistical nightmare. 

Rebekah’s Booty Call Manor, For a Good Time Call 976-FANG

Stefan wakes up in Rebekah’s bed and essentially does the vamp-whoosh of shame…why, I don’t really know.  There is absolutely nothing untoward going on here – well aside from Stefan planning to screw her over and stuff, but sexually speaking, they’re not doing anything wrong, just two consenting, SINGLE adults making Shakespeare’s Beast With Two Backs.

I would like to call shenanigans on Stefan’s “I’m not Edward Cullen, I promise” wardrobe – how many of that goddamned hoodie does he own?

Before he can whoosh away, however, Klaus appears at the door, because it’s 7 in the bloody morning and he hasn’t ruined anything yet today.

Rebekah is far less pleased about her darling Bro’s appearance…well, I think Stefan’s displeased, with those two gentlemen and their raging man-crush it’s hard to tell “displeased” from “please perform ten minutes of fellatio on me starting NOW.”

Here, I notice, as I do again later when Klaus is goading Damon and Stefan about who they’ve each slept with, that Klaus is kind of a giant prude, as well as a giant prick, when it comes to others “having relations.”  You’d think as old as he is he’d have gotten over that kind of thing.  Or maybe the problem is that this is how the Mystic Falls Fucking Fight Song would go:

Hail, Mystic Falls, we shag for you
Elena’s shagged Stefan and Damon too
Rebekah’s shagged Stefan and Damon, that’s fine
And Tyler’s gotten off with dear Caroline
In fact, good old Klaus, it’s a bit sad but true
The only vampire not getting any is you!

KLAUS:  Get the siblingstinger from Rebekah so we can dagger Kol, otherwise we won’t be able to lay our hands on THE THUNDERDICK!!!  Then we’ll have ourselves a nice human Elena!

So…it hasn’t really occurred to anyone that newly-rehumaned Elena might not be what they want either?  Magic like that tends to be really capricious, and very literal minded.  If Elena says, “I want  to be human,” who’s to say she won’t become….a 98 year old human woman with terminal cancer?

Mystic Falls High School – Oh, Look, A Dance

Bonnie talks to Elena on the phone about being drafted to help Caroline with the Decade Dance, and it’s really a shame they won’t get to do this one, because the sheer idiocy of 80s clothes and hairstyles would have been seriously LOL worthy entertainment.

Over in the Gilbert House, Little Gilbert and Matt are playing video games and not putting the toilet seat up, leaving them womenfolk to take care of the houseworkin’. 

ELENA:  Look, we’ve got a plan:  Jeremy will kill Kol, and by default kill like a bajilionty other vampires all over the world who have nothing to do with any of this.

It’s interesting to wonder about the length of each Original’s sire line – What’s his name, the pretentious asshole that’s already dead, it didn’t seem like his line would have been too extensive since he hated what he was so much.  Elijah is probably somewhere in the middle.  Given how lonely Bex is I can see her making lots of playmates over the years, and Kol strikes me as the kind of d-bag who would make vampires and just sort of scatter them all over.  Klaus, well, back in his early days when he was just a rumor and far scarier, the others talked about how paranoid and secluded he’d become, so his line might not be as long as you’d think.  But provided Klaus was telling the truth about all our vamps being on his line, his is really the only one we care about.

ELENA:  Don’t worry Bon, we’ll take on all these bad guys as soon as I do the dishes.  WWAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHH!  Some asshole put vervain in the water!

Mystic Falls High School

THAT ASSHOLE:  Yes, it was I who vervained the water, and I’m also going to flex my authority muscles in a lot of ways that probably won’t save a single life but will make me feel like I’ve accomplished something, so, we’re going to have a family meeting!

It STILL makes my blood boil how he and Abby both call her “honey” and talk about how she’s their daughter when neither one has done a goddamned thing for her in years.  You can’t just be absent from your kid’s life and then swoop in and suddenly be dropping family meetings and curfews like it ain’t no thang.  It doesn’t matter if you’re the parent – once your kid is a teenager, they are not going to give you respect until you earn it.  So far all Daddy’s done is piss Bonnie off.

Before Bonnie can login to Amazon and cancel her “World’s Least Awful Dad” coffee mug order, who should show up but Kol.

KOL:  I AM HERE TO MENACE YOU INTO BEING DEAD!  THAT WAY NOBODY CAN GET A FIST AROUND THE THUNDERDICK!!!

BONNIE:  I gotcher Thunderdick right here, babe.  *vampire migraine of DOOM*

Unfortunately all that “I can take care of myself, I’m in control” stuff isn’t really working out, and Bonnie’s magic gets away from her and breaks Kol’s bones, blows up balloons, bangs open lockers, you know the drill.  I notice, as she’s running off and all the lockers are barfing up their contents, I don’t see a single book in any of them.

Salvatore Boarding House – Inconvenient Sibling Storage

I love how everyone on this show has the same basic method for dealing with family conflict.  Lock the one who annoys you in a coffin, tomb, or basement, preferably weakened by dagger or exsanguination.  Then have the nerve to act surprised when they eventually get out.

Now, in this case there’s a pretty good reason:  Kol compelled Damon to kill Jeremy, and we can’t kill Jeremy because his biceps have been declared one of the Seven Wonders they need his magic tattoo so they can trek through the jungle to throw down THE THUNDERDICK! 

Unfortunately it’s just not Damon’s day, as it is a day with a y in it, and Klaus is now his babysitter so Stefan can go exploit his friendship with Rebekah to get the dagger and thereby destroy any trust she might have had that would keep them working together in the RIDE FOR THE THUNDERDICK!  Because it’s just not TVD if everyone isn’t fucking each other over somehow.

DAMON:  Stef’s still pissed that I had adult consensual sex with a girl he was no longer dating.

KLAUS:  You poor baby.  Don’t worry, he’s all up in my sister’s business now, I’m sure it’ll end well.

Stefan leaves them to their bonding, but he can’t walk two steps without Elena calling him.

ELENA:  Kol just tried to kill Bonnie!

STEFAN:   How about you tell me your whole plan so I can see if I can…um, help, in some way.  I’m very helpful.  To lots of people.

ELENA:  Well, you go dagger Rebekah so she can’t come after us in a murderous rage after we kill Kol, and Klaus…yeah, Bonnie’s got something for Klaus, hopefully involving Africanized honeybees and a funnel.  I’ll send Matt to do the daggering deed since at some point it was established that vampires can’t use it [The Dinner Party], and also because he never washes his socks and he always pees on the seat.  And it won’t matter what state of rage and hatred we leave them in, because once we get our hands wrapped firmly around THE THUNDERDICK we can beat it against them!

STEFAN:  …even though we have no idea how it actually works, how many people you can use it on, whether it would even work on Originals much less Klaus, or what we have to do to activate it.  Man, this just keeps sounding better and better.

Gilbert House and Adjacent Sidewalks

Elena calls Kol, asking for a truce so they can talk about their old buddy Silas.  Meanwhile Jeremy and Matt are wrapping up weapons or something because they’re totally warriors.

ELENA:  So, how about we meet up for PinkBerry or a mani/pedi or something?  I’ll pay.

KOL:  How about I just ring your doorbell and screw up your plans?

ELENA:  Well all righty then.

Stalling Kol on the phone, Elena grabs the chalk menu board from the kitchen (cause does anyone really use those for menus? Don’t we all just draw genitalia on them?) and writes for Matt to take off and help Stefan; unfortunately she can’t do the same with Jer, since as the sole human owner of the house, he has to be the one to issue the invitation. 

Elena and Kol agree that if Jeremy invites him in, Jeremy can split, so Jer lets him in.  As Kol is putting away his iPod, Elena notices the white oak stake in his coat.

Rebekah’s House

Somehow despite having no idea what the 1980s were actually like, Bex has acquired an enormous rack of clothes to select from for the dance that’s not happening. 

STEFAN: I think we should go to the dance anyway – is there anything on that rack that’s not revolting?

See, I know he went for a Top Gun look, but I was hoping for Flock of Seagulls, Miami Vice, or possibly even some hair metal.  He totally could have done Flock of Seagulls hair with all that gel.

Bex makes it pretty clear she doesn’t trust Stefan around the whole dagger situation, so we know what’s going to happen already:  he’ll sweet talk her into thinking she can trust him, and she’ll let down her guard, and end up daggered whether by his hand or someone else’s, because EVERYONE IS MEAN TO REBEKAH and that gives me sads, as I have hearts for Rebekah.

Salvatore Sibling Cell

Klaus berates Damon for…oh, who really cares.  Something to do with Jeremy and not making him Huntery fast enough.  Like there’s an established lesson plan for how to do that? 

KLAUS:  So…what kind of spectacular coitus-mojo have you been working on Elena that makes her forget what a murdery sociopath you are?

It’s a reasonable question, but the best part is that Klaus’s motive in asking has nothing to do with Damon whatsoever.  Klaus wants to know what exactly Damon does to make Elena forgive him – what he says to her, how he makes all his sins seem like nothing…because Klaus wants to do the same with Caroline, and having killed Tyler’s mother, it’s looking pretty grim on that front. 

DAMON:  Do bad things for good reasons – not only do you still get to do bad things, you might eventually get laid someday.

I’m assuming this is a lesson Damon learned after he fell for Elena – when he first arrived back in Season 1, he did plenty of bad stuff that wasn’t for good reasons.  A lot of his actions back then were born out of wanting to get Katherine back, but there are others, like compelling and using Caroline, that had no believable basis in “higher good” whatsoever.  I think that was one of the first things he figured out, once he started having genuine human feels.

Gilbert House

Kol plays a video game while Elena fetches the “old people alcohol”  (I gigglesnorted at that one) to make him a drink.  Kol mentions that they all lived in New Orleans once, adding to the groundwork for the spin-off.  Then they get down to business.

ELENA:  I promise not to try and whip out the THUNDERDICK!!! if you’ll leave Jeremy alone.

Oh, these kids and their “stealth” texting.  If you’re standing staring down at your phone, you’re not being discreet. If you’re surrounded by other modern people who are also staring at their phones, that’s one thing, but if you’re texting near a 1,000 year old vampire new to modern technology, it’s likely he’ll notice what you’re up to.

Elena and Kol do the small talk that will endear us to Kol just enough to be conflicted when he dies.  Of course, then Kol calls Elena a “Mary Sue vampire” and I almost bash my head through my keyboard, because that phrase infuriates me – it’s basically a derogatory term people apply to any female character they don’t like, for any reason at all; there used to be a specific definition but now it’s essentially meaningless, and if I never hear it again, my life will be greatly enriched by its absence.

Finally, finally we get to hear a little more about Silas – Jeez, if he’s going to be the Big All Nasty Bad, we really need more to go on than “he was the first immortal” and “he’s gonna raise the dead.”  At least when Klaus was the Invisible Big Bad, the other Originals could corroborate what a scary nutbar he was, but nobody in this entire group has ever seen Silas or had any real proof he exists.  It’s kind of hard to give a damn in the absence of any actual information – or at least without a scene or two somewhere showing us Silas’s effect on the world, or something, anything, besides Shane drooling over his tombstone.

KOL:  Back in the day I used to run with some Witches in Africa, Haiti, New Orleans – and I’m not going to make a reference to the demographics of that number – and they all said Silas would destroy the world, rivers and seas boiling, dogs and cats living together, mass hysteria!

Bonnie’s Got a House! Who knew?

What she doesn’t have is a cell phone, because Father of the Year has taken it from her and won’t let her leave the house.

DAD GUY: I lost your mother to Witchcraft! I’m not going to lose you!

Actually, Dad Guy, you lost Abby because she was too scared to show her face without Witchy powers.  And then Bonnie lost her again because she was too scared to try being a vampire mom and ran away again.  I don’t think it’s the witchcraft, or the vampirism, as much as Abby’s a big freaking coward.

Which of course means Abby shows up just as Bonnie and Jeremy are about to get the hell out of there and go help Elena.  Oh boy oh boy oh boy.

Abby attempts to be all badass, or something, not realizing that walking around with veiny eyes and pissy mouth means Jeremy’s going to try to stake her.

AUDIENCE:  GO JEREMY GO!

Unfortunately not.  Bonnie uses her…whatever they called it, focusing trick, magical hoo-hah shield, or something, to divert him from his Hunter objective.

BONNIE:  Don’t hurt her, she’s my mom!

JEREMY:   You’re the only person who gives a shit and you don’t even like her!  C’mon, Bonnie, please please please just this once?

Alas, still not.

Gilbert House

KOL:  I’m having trouble believing you’d give up something you want so much.

Has Elena, at any point, said she actually wants the THUNDERDICK? Or is everyone just assuming she does because she’s supposed to want to be old Elena again? I can’t remember her saying definitively that it’s what she wants, and if she has it was quite a while ago, so it’s possible she’s thought better of it by now.  I just keep waiting for her to say “Yeah, gimme some THUNDERDICK, I wanna get that in me,” and she doesn’t.  She just sort of gives the nod-and-smile, like she’s going along with it for everyone else.  Whether she’s said so or not, it seems kind of odd that she’s never as enthusiastic about it as everyone else – because they want it for her, not because she wants it.  Yet again, we have Elena the dress-up doll for everyone to drape their issues on.

KOL:  Um…okay, well…I’mma go, then.  I’ll get back to you on that whole truce thing.

Mystic Falls High School Luft Balloon Storage Facility

Stefan and Rebekah in their 80s finery (somehow they managed to avoid the eye-bleeding neons and mall wall hairstyles) invade the empty gym and crank up the music.  Stefan cracks a joke about The Cure (the band) and we all roll our eyes, but it was actually really funny. 

I should warn you that I was born in 1977, so I was only 13 when the 80s ended, and I’m more a child of the 90s – but I had two older brothers who were very much 80s kids, so I absorbed quite a lot of that culture as well.  Dirty Dancing is still one of my top 10 favorite movies, and 80s Madonna is practically a spiritual experience for me.

Stefan rattles off a number of things about the 80s that weren’t terrible (even though some of them totally were, we just loved them anyway) to convince Bex that it wasn’t a completely garish and ridiculous decade.  I’m not sure how convinced she is, but she does seem to fall for his “we care about love and stuff” patter.

The really sad thing about their relationship is that I think he’s being totally sincere when they talk about human life and things they’ve experienced and dreams they’ve had.  But then Stefan has this tendency to look her right in the face and screw her over – and not just once.  There’s a reason she claims not to trust him, though obviously she doesn’t mean it once he lays on the considerable charm. 

You know, psychopaths and serial killers are often quite charming, very good actors, and able to con people (usually potential victims) into trusting them.  So maybe it’s just an outgrowth of the whole Ripper thing, being able to look someone you just slept with in the eye and have every intention of lying to, stealing from, or daggering them.  I don’t think Stefan particularly wants to hurt Rebekah, but not wanting to never seems to stop him.

Which is my way of saying I find it  disturbing, BUT, it’s completely consistent with the kind of pathology we’ve observed in the character, and that’s rather excellent of the writers.

Probably the best part of the whole scene:

STEFAN:  I have a present for you.  *offers small box*

BEX: What the…it’s a koala.

HE GOT HER A CLIP-ON KOALA, Y’ALL.  I had like five of those and had completely forgotten about them until this scene.  I squeed so hard.  Then I wondered:  Where did he buy that from on such short notice?  Or did he just have one in his giant rack of 80s duds?

It’s Gettin’ Real at the Gilbert House

Jeremy returns from Bonnie’s to find the house silent; Elena emerges and tells him Kol took off.  And because NOBODY ON TELEVISION USES THE PEEPHOLE, Jeremy assumes the knock at the door is Bonnie.

KOL:  Did somebody order an ass-whooping?

Now that he’s been in the house it’s too late to block him out, so he kicks the holy hell out of the door and stalks in full of fury and possibly a couple of Red Bulls. 

The Bennett House, or Whatever the Hell

Bonnie makes it pretty clear she doesn’t want her mom interfering in her plans to use human sacrifice to take over the world (shhhhh…). 

BONNIE:  Okay, look. There’s a THUNDERDICK out there somewhere that will un-vamp you because, let’s face it, you’re the lamest vampire ever and you’re making the whole race look bad.   But for me to stuff that THUNDERDICK in my sack I gotta go help find it, so you can both just–

ABBY:  +3 Daughter Drugging

ME:  Oh, man, you guys…you must not know dick about witchcraft *or* your daughter to think some herbs are going to keep her down.  I do not envy you the headaches you will have when you awaken, but in the meantime rest well, and dream of large women.

(80s reference – HA!)

Salvatore Cellar for Sibling Sequestering

Klaus starts in on Damon about how the Power of Love wasn’t enough to make him bust out of the compulsion Kol put on him to kill Elena’s brother, not her, but the Power of Love almost stopped Stefan from giving in to a direct compulsion to chew through Elena’s neck and then killing two of her classmates right in front of her.  Yes, Klaus.  Clearly Damon is the weaker party because those two events were EXACTLY THE SAME.  Really, though, Klaus doesn’t care if he’s right or not, all that matters is sowing seeds in Damon’s mind to break up him and Elena and give Stefan a clear shot as soon as she’s the “right” Elena again.  The theory seems to be that as soon as Elena’s not sired, and has her “Normal self” back again, it’ll be like none of this ever happened, and she’ll realize the error of her silly girlish ways and go running back to Captain Forehead, who I presume will have the THUNDERDICK himself and they can go make extremely uninteresting babies that jump in front of speeding cars to save each other.

Klaus actually says, “Must be hard trying to live up to Stefan.”  I very nearly choke on my frozen pizza.  I can’t tell if he’s working an angle because there’s something specific he wants Damon to do, or just because he drank the same Kool Aid as Caroline.

Caroline, who has not been in the last couple of episodes, who I have not missed at all.  Damn shame.

Klaus gets a call from his brother, next month’s cover model for Sanity Fair.

KOL:  They’re trying to kill me and I know you’re in on it.  So I’m going to kill them, then some other people, then some other people who might need it, then you.

Klaus puts Damon up against the wall, compells him to tell the truth about what’s going on, but the truth is:  he has no idea what Elena and Stefan and all were planning because he’s been stuck in the Sibling Storage. 

When Klaus stalks away, we get a close up of the water bottle Stefan brought Damon, which makes me wonder:  is that bottle of water from the tap, meaning it’s laced with vervain, so if he could get it down Klaus’s compulsions would roll right off?   That part of the scene confused me a bit.

MFHS

Stefan educates Rebekah on the finer points of Bon Jovi and underage drinking, and of course Lexi comes up, and how Lexi made Stefan a better person through the cunning use of sanctimony, and then Elena made him a better person, and can we go back to the Bon Jovi now? Please?

Bex finally comes out and says she wishes she could be human again, and have high school dances and babies and whatever else it is that girls are supposed to want.  Tiaras, right?  Yeah, tiaras.

REBEKAH:  And since we’re being all emotionally open, allow me to reveal that I have the dagger hidden on my person.

STEFAN:  *hatches plan*  No, no, let’s not dance, let’s go run down the hall and slide in our socks.  In fact let me consult my phone and see if someone could text me instructions on sock-sliding.

Gilbert House

It’s a lot more fun watching Elena try to escape a murderer when she can actually move fast.

Vamp-whooshing, furniture breaking, rageful eyebrows, walls getting smashed through, stupid wood bullets, stakes flying through the air with the greatest of ease, lots of pained grunting and yelling “Go!  GO!” .  Finally Kol grabs a piece of the upstairs bannister and impales Elena with it.  Maybe three people are afraid for her life, but the rest of us know that not one vampire on this show has ever taken an anatomy lesson and they all seem to have decided the heart and the stomach are the same organ.

MFHS

Stefan is trying to teach Bex the Breakfast Club slide (I much prefer the sock slide in Risky Business), and concludes she’s going to have to take off her shoes for it to work.  Meanwhile, Matt is hiding around the corner waiting for a chance to grab the dagger and kebab her on it.

STEFAN:  No, seriously, the shoes are the problem.  Take ‘em off.

BEX:  *world-weary look*  *bends and pulls dagger out of her boot*  Here you go. Did I mention I’m not a total idiot?

She tells him she wants to be human, with the kids and the tiara, so they should give the dagger to Klaus to put down Kol, and then go uncover the THUNDERDICK.

Bonnie’s House of Oh No You Didn’t

Bonnie is unconscious on the couch, and Abby’s grinding up some more Witch roofies; she tells Dad Guy that she’s going to keep Bonnie under until she can get some Witches there to purify her or something like that, none of which sounds a whole lot better than what Bonnie’s already dealing with.

Bonnie seems to agree.

BONNIE:  Oh hail naw.  *deathglare*

Abby’s bowl breaks, there’s pain and moaning and freaking out, and Bonnie’s all, “I don’t belong to the spirits, I belong to myself.”  And I’m all YOU GO GIRL because Bonnie, too, has suffered from a dearth of agency – spirits are bossing her around, vampires are bossing her around, and it’s about time she found out what it’s like to be a sovereign woman – which could be absolutely disastrous and knowing this show probably will be.

Gilbert House and Chop Shop

We’re treated to a long shot of Elena trying to un-impale herself, which is always a treat; then, downstairs, we see Kol was really serious about cutting off Jeremy’s map arm.

Before he can swing the cleaver, Elena attacks! There’s a vicious struggle with the cleaver, best thing ever, or at least the best thing until Jeremy grabs the spray nozzle from the kitchen sink and HOSES KOL DOWN WITH VERVAIN WATER.  Yowch!

That gives Jeremy the opening he needs to dive in with the white oak stake and yay! Jeremy knows where the heart is!  Good Jeremy!

Kol bursts into flames, but not the sort of quiet dignified flaming death of Mikael – Kol dies hard, screaming and running all over the house, shrieking dementedly until he finally falls dead.

Elena and Jeremy stare at each other for a minute before both of their attention is taken by the figure standing in the door:  Klaus.

Big brother is very, very angry.   See, if you make Klaus cry, you’ve just flipped a very special switch in his head.  The tiny coiled spring that holds Klaus’s psychotic rage at bay is located just behind the tear ducts, so that when real tears are produced, the saline solution eats through the base of the spring, allowing it to fly open and release the psychotic rage.  The only thing that can help at that point, besides relocating to another state and becoming Amish, is to cause *more* tears, which will eventually cause salt build-up and hold the spring shut again until a new spring can be coiled and installed at the factory.

So now you know.

KLAUS:  HOW DARE YOU KILL THE BROTHER I WANTED TO KILL FIRST AND HARDER!  I WAS STILL PLAYING WITH THAT!

JEREMY:  If you kill us you’ll never get your THUNDERDICK! or any more hybrids!

KLAUS:  Hybrids can kiss my shapely ass.  I only want the THUNDERDICK so I can destroy it!

ELENA:  Well…shit.

BONNIE:  *MIGRAINE ACTIVATE*

She walks in past the groaning be-migrained Klaus and tells the Gilberts they need to invite him in.  Naturally both Gilberts look at her like     @_@   but she insists that’s what they have to do.

Once Klaus is in the Haus, Bonnie baits him into the living room and seals him in.  By this time Klaus is snarling and clawing at her like a rabid animal, practically incoherent by the end of the scene.  Joseph Morgan brought an extra bottle of awesome this episode, broke it over his own head, and set himself on FIRE.

Bex’s House

BEX:  My brother’s dead.  I am sad.

STEFAN:  Yeah, I knew they were going to kill him, so, now you are mad.

BEX:  I am mad.

STEFAN:  We get THUNDERDICK and stick it to all of us. Everybody happy.

BEX:  Well maybe not Elena, since she hasn’t actually said she wants–

STEFAN:  EVERYBODY HAPPY.

BEX:  Oh, okay.  THUNDERDICK for everybody, yay yay.

Salvatore Boarding House

Jeremy’s pacing around waiting for his mark to get bigger, but so far nothing’s happened. Bonnie reminds him that it took time for Finn’s line – yeah, that was his name! – to die off, so he’s got to chill out and wait.

Damon comes out of seclusion, he and Elena hug, everyone else looks pained about it because those two don’t have a chance in hell with every single force in the town and their friends and families aligned against them.  Let’s just enjoy these nice hugs while we can.

Stefan arrives with the headstone.  Bonnie tells him Klaus is trapped and they have 3-4 days to find the THUNDERDICK before Klaus comes after them.  Jeremy actually name-drops Katherine, which is interesting, and makes me think we might see her again sooner rather than later.  Hmm.

Then of course we get to Round 21 of HEY, GROWN UPS FUCK, where everyone gets angry and punches each other in the head because people who weren’t beholden to anyone got with other unbeholden people for a little pickle-tickle  and apparently there’s some statute of Pussy Limitations you have to observe when you’re a teenager or a vampire who can’t get past his teenage years which states that breaking up doesn’t actually mean breaking up because you still have rights and ownership of the other person’s genitals until you say they can go; and adults are not, in fact, allowed to do the sex with others when they are not part of a couple.  It’s gotten so tiresome I just sort of skip over most of it with my trusty fast-forward.

Fortunately, we are shaken out of this nonsense by the sight of JEREMY HULK SMASH!!!!!!!!! 

Jer actually rips his shirt off so we can see his tattoo get bigger – only now, everyone can see it, and whole pieces are now growing together to become complete.

Personally I think he should spend the next few episodes shirtless, just so we can all keep watch over the mark and make sure we don’t miss a spot.

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