This week on The Vampire Diaries: Damon commits self-sabotage, Stefan is self-loathing, Bonnie is outraged, Caroline is injured, all the vampires hate themselves, Klaus has a really twisted idea of how relationships work, some crazy fucker wants to kill everyone over some convoluted mythology that is slowly beginning to sound like a bad acid trip, there’s a magical object people want, and the only thing that really matters is who ends up with Elena.
Yeah, I know.
So…if a large percentage of the fandom gets fed up with this plotline and commits mass suicide, will it raise Silas so we can move the hell on?
Obviously the whole cure thing isn’t going to work out like they think it will. If it did, they’d have to change the title to The Boring-Ass Human Diaries. In fact, I don’t really understand why every single character is convinced it’s going to a) work at all b) be enough for every vamp who wants it or c) not have seriously horrific consequences. The only person who seems unconvinced is Damon. Damon Salvatore is the voice of reason, guys. Just sit with that for a minute.
Show…I still love you, baby, but our relationship problems are getting worse. I’m not even talking about the cure storyline – I’m talking about the number one thing that makes me lose interest in fiction involving vampires: the self-hating “woe is me” vampire who wishes he could be human and get old and make babies. That trope makes me CRAZY. I swore, long ago, that if I ever wrote a character like that, my other characters would kill him. If it was just one vamp in the show, okay, fine…but ALL of them? I refuse to believe that every vampire ever made wants to be human again. It seems like the only one who’s not on board with this nonsense is Klaus, and let’s face it, he’s not exactly a poster child for the Well-Adjusted Vampire Club.
And if you really believe that whole Damon scene with Elena, I would refer you to this moment. Are we really supposed to buy that after over 100 years of secretly longing to be human suddenly POOF! never mind? Doth protest too much et cetera. The boy’s so full of shit his eyes are turning brown.
Blue-Tinted Woods of Yore – One Year Ago
Professor Slim Shady and Vaguely Native-American Looking Guy, running through the forest – jumping fences, dodging trees, and trying to get away…
Shane gives Dances With Cliches the slip and finds his way to a lovely rock formation.
SHANE: Oh my God…A CAVE! WE’VE NEVER SEEN A CAVE ON THIS SHOW BEFORE! AND CAVE WRITINGS! AND…oh, hey, look, a big hole.
What Store in Mystic Falls Sells Giant Motorized Rafts?
Our intrepid cureseekers have landed upon a Mysterious Island and are unloading the hiking and camping gear they apparently went out and bought right after busting Shane out of the joint.
SHANE’S FACE: I shouldn’t have eaten that breakfast burrito.
JEREMY’S FACE: It’s so cold on this damn island you could cut glass with my manly, manly nipples.
STEFAN’S FACE: I need to talk to my agent.
It would seem we are 200 miles off the Nova Scotia mainland, which nobody bothered to ask until Damon brings it up. How they got to Canada from Virginia without anyone figuring out where they were is beyond me, but then, so is Damon not sharpening his machete before they arrived in a completely unknown and possibly dangerous place.
I get that they need to explain stuff on camera so we can have it laid out for us, but…if I were going on an adventure with a guy who’s basically a mass murdering maniac to find a mystical cure that nobody really knows anything about except that there’s a thousands-year-old Witch buried with it who can raise the dead and create hell on earth…I’d want a fucking briefing before I set one foot in REI to buy all those backpacks. Just saying.
DAMON: Is that a joke?
THAT: *was quite possibly the best moment of the entire episode*
Nearby, Stefan is tying a knot for no particular reason with no particular enthusiasm. Rebekah and Elena verbally spar over how each of them is a conniving bitch, Elena tries to stake her, Rebekah makes some crack that I guess is supposed to make Elena jealous, and that basically describes their interaction throughout the episode. Stefan looks like he’d rather be fellating Sean Hannity than dealing with their drama. He’s not the only one.
Damon comes over to Elena to reassure her that they’re just trying to get under her skin, which I don’t think is entirely true. Rebekah, sure – Elena’s been responsible for a lot of horrible crap happening to her, so her hating Elena makes perfect sense. But I don’t think Stefan is trying to make any sort of statement with Rebekah being there, because surely he knew he’d end up the referee for their constant bickering, and no guy wants that.
ELENA: You never told me if you want to get all cured up.
DAMON: Well, see, the thing is, we have no idea if there’s going to be enough of whatever it is for all of us, or even more than one of us. Hell, after all this time it might have dried up. Or Silas might have taken all of it, died human, and rotted underground long ago. Or there might be some godawful consequence to taking it, or it might unleash hell on earth, or it might all be a huge scam and actually drinking the cure turns Klaus into Santa Claus. So I’d really rather not commit, just to be sure.
Actually he doesn’t say any of that, which is a damn shame, because the thought of consequences has yet to really enter the picture here, I assume because whatever actually happens is going to involve that very question.
Meanwhile again, nearby, Jeremy has his shirt off, so screw consequences. Bonnie is taking pictures of his tattoo for…oh, who cares why? SHIRT OFF. WITH LINGERING CLOSEUPS.
BONNIE: If there was a less awkward way to do this…
JEREMY: Like standing back a foot or so and using Zoom?
BONNIE: Hush, baby, you’re talking nonsense.
She feels up his tattoo and is kind enough to repeat the whole story of Silas and Qetsiyah for us. Jeremy quite rightly wonders what the hell the Hunters have to do with all of this.
SLIM SHANEY: The Witchy descendents of Qetsiyah *cough*BONNIE*cough* created the Hunters to kill Silas.
JEREMY: Then why are we so motivated to kill vampires? Was Silas a vampire? I’ve never wanted to find Silas before – I had no idea he existed. If none of us know who Silas is, how are we supposed to want to kill him? What kind of planning is that?
SHANE: Um…let’s get moving, shall we?
BONNIE: Seriously, Jer, if you start asking questions this whole thing falls apart. Just go with it.
And thus, the Fellowship of the Cure set off into dangerous wilderness, armed with their designer poofy jackets and their righteous survival skills.
Gilbert House of Klaus
Still stuck in Elena’s living room, Klaus is standing very still and staring at the floor when Tyler arrives to taunt him, because Tyler, bless him, doesn’t think things through any more than any other person on this show.
TYLER: Yo momma’s so immortal…
KLAUS: You do remember this spell’s going to wear off, right, and I’ll eventually be free again? Suppose your friends don’t make it to the island, find the cure, make it back, and force-feed it to me before that happens. Is it really a good idea for you to screw with me?
Both of them have equally farfetched ideas of how the cure will work vis a vis the whole Original bloodline thing. Klaus believes if he’s mortalized his entire bloodline will be too – or at least he puts the idea out there. Hell, for all we know Klaus knows exactly what’s going to happen. Tyler, on the other hand, thinks that as soon as Klaus becomes mortal the bloodline will be broken and none of them will be connected to him anymore.
Wow, Ty…that’s taking a lot on faith, isn’t it? Maybe you should wait and see what happens before you go poking the rabid lion in its temporary cage?
Klaus, of course, can always be counted on to rub lemon juice into any available wound, and throws Tyler’s mother’s murder in Tyler’s face.
By the Shores of Big Sea Water
The scenery in this ep is pretty spectacular. Likelihood of it actually being Nova Scotia: Iffy at best.
ELENA: This place is creepy.
REBEKAH: *snipe snipe snipe* Oh and also? You’re useless.
ELENA: Unlike you?
BEX: Stefan and I have the ugly rock.
ELENA: Well it doesn’t take both of you to carry, does it?
Bex’s argument is on a bit of shaky ground, really, but she also takes a moment to encourage everyone to appreciate the magnificence of the Damon-butt, which may be the only thing they all agree on.
Night falls, as night is wont to do.
SHANE’S HEADLIGHT: *is hilarious*
SHANE: So once upon the blue-tinted days of yore, some miners found a well in the cave in the hole in the bottom of the sea, and they bled all over it and saw their dead loved ones. I decided to try it too, and it went a little something like this:
SHANE: Now that I’ve offered blood, I must climb down inside the well for reasons! Good thing I took that caving claaaaaaaaaaaaaaass!
SHANE’S WIFE CAITLIN: Yo.
Shane yells at everyone to stop moseying so he can trip a trap. After everyone has stared up into the trees for a minute, pondering the implications, Shane tells them all to stay together, because yeah, that’s going to happen.
JEREMY: Magic wells and dead relatives. Great.
ELENA: Wouldn’t you like to see one of the 80 dead people we know again?
JEREMY: Yeah, I’m sure all our dead friends would love to be dragged from the afterlife to hang out in a cave with us.
Suddenly, a shadowy dude in a green jacket shoots an arrow at Jeremy!
JEREMY: OMG WHAT FUCKING SHOW IS THIS?
OLIVER QUEEN: Um…sorry. Thought you were someone else.
Before the stranger in the completely impractical white face paint can actually shoot Jeremy, however, some other shadowy stranger throws an ax at the guy’s back and kills him dead.
Rather than stay and examine the body or try to figure out who the dude is, they keep hiking, and eventually come upon some random-ass shack in the middle of nowhere that I’m sure is perfectly safe.
SHANE: A bunch of people died horribly here.
DAMON: This is a bad idea. Let’s just keep going. Where’s the cure?
SHANE: ELENA ELENA ELENA ELENA.
I swear, nobody ever learns anything. Shane, and everyone else, knows Damon isn’t exactly the cover model for Sanity Fair, especially where Elena’s concerned, yet everyone seems to think it’s a great idea to bait him over it as often as possible – the whole idea that Elena’s going to dump him as soon as she and Stefan are both human again comes up like fifty times, and it never occurs to Damon or anyone else that Elena might just be a slightly better person than that. I mean, I have my issues with the girl, but I don’t think she’d just drop him, even if it turns out all her feelings are purely born from the sire bond, which AT LEAST TWO PEOPLE WHO WOULD KNOW have told us they aren’t. Everyone always talks about what a compassionate person Elena is, but I guess since it’s Damon and Damon is worthless despite his tendency to save people’s dumb asses, compassion doesn’t apply. At least Shane’s later taunting about the whole human/vampire relationship thing is actually valid – in the long term, that kind of match is literally doomed.
Know how I know Elena probably will stop loving him, though? Because she’s too happy when they’re together. She smiles way too much.
Gilbert House of Klaus
Tyler is still at the house pushing Klaus’s buttons and drinking when Caroline arrives.
CAROLINE: Baby, I love you, but you’re about as dumb as a bag of dicks. If you’re going to hang around here and bait the psycho, at least you can help me get rid of this crispy critter on the floor.
ME: OH MY GOD THEY WENT OFF AND LEFT KOL’S BODY ON THE FLOOR? IN THEIR HOUSE? WHAT IS WRONG WITH THESE PEOPLE?
KLAUS: Hey, man, your mom’s dead, my brother’s dead, we’re even.
CAROLINE: What kind of fucked up math is that? You killed his mom. Neither of us killed your brother.
KLAUS: I saved you that time Tyler bit you!
CAROLINE: HE BIT ME BECAUSE YOU TOLD HIM TO!
KLAUS: …oh, yeah.
Caroline demonstrates the whole “don’t bait the crazy” I’ve been trying to emphasize here. She tells Klaus he’s not worth the calories it takes to talk to him (you’re a vampire, honey, you don’t eat food), and he grabs a nice long coat rack and impales her on it, enabling him to lever her into the area where he’s imprisoned and bite the hell out of her.
Island of Misfit Vampires
REBEKAH: I hate being a vampire.
STEFAN: I hate being a vampire.
LOUIS: I hate being a vampire.
EDWARD: I hate being a vampire.
NICK KNIGHT: I hate being a vampire.
ANGEL: I hate being a vampire.
SIMON: I hate being a vampire.
DAMON: I hate being a vampire. Just…forget I said that before, okay? I totally love it.
Inside the shack, Bonnie wants to know how she can trust Slim Shady, given that he’s all crazy and shit.
SHANE: Don’t worry, I know how the whole expression thing goes. It totally killed my wife which makes me an expert.
SHANE: Did I forget to mention my wife was a Witch? Whoops. Well anyway, I’m the only person who can stop you from going off the deep end, so you need me, which means you can’t let Damon kill me, which I’m sure he’s planning to do because…well hey, it’s Damon, and we have to have someone to blame when this whole thing goes south on us, right?
Outside, Jeremy hears a noise, and next thing you know he’s kidnapped by
the spirit of the First Slayer Dances With Cliches.
Gilbert House of Klaus
Caroline is understandably freaking her shit that she’s mortally wounded, and Tyler swears he’ll “fix it.” Yeah, sparky, you’d better, since you being here taunting Klaus is the whole reason this happened.
TYLER: I’ll give you my iPod.
TYLER: Well, I tried.
Actually Tyler is willing to plead for Caroline’s life, and then to offer himself back up as a slave, but Klaus doesn’t really want anything – he’s really only doing this to make a point, and to be a bastard, because, well, he’s Klaus. Lashing out is kind of his bread and butter.
Caroline decides she can’t stand the sight of Klaus, so Tyler picks her up and carries her off somewhere to die in peace.
Come morning, everyone realizes Jeremy’s gone, and all look for him frantically. Bonnie decides to do a locator spell, which means Shane has to hang out to make sure she doesn’t go all nutter butter, and Damon stays to make sure Shane doesn’t try to pull anything. That leaves Stefan, his ex-girlfriend, and his ex-and-sort-of-now girlfriend to search together.
STEFAN: While we’re here let’s look for a cure for bitchy, too.
Inside the shack, Damon finds Shane trying to use his satellite phone (which still isn’t working) and figures the time for straight answers is basically now. He throws Shane into a chair for questioning.
DAMON: Where’s the cure?
SHANE: With Silas, under the well in the cave in the hole in the bottom of the sea.
DAMON: How do you know?
DEAD WIFE CAITLIN: The cure is with Silas under the well in the cave in the hole in the bottom of the sea.
SHANE: Rock on.
SHANE: So basically we needed a Hunter with a complete mark to find the spell and a descendant of Qetsiyah to perform the spell.
DAMON: *sigh* So Bonnie’s a descendant of the Bennetts, who helped Katherine in 1864; of Ayana, who helped make the first vampires; and of Qetsiyah, who made the first immortal ever, and who made a cure for all kinds of immortality.
SHANE: Yeah, basically.
DAMON: You do know there’s more than one bloodline of black people, right?
Outside at the campfire, Bonnie clutches Jeremy’s shirt and uses it to make the fire bigger, then to cause a forest fire that burns down the entire island and kills them all.
Nah, just kidding. We all know fire only spreads in lines that go toward things. It’s magic.
So, does all Expression require people’s life energy and it’s just a matter of how much? Is there somebody around there on the island who just got a bitch of a headache out of nowhere?
Off in the woods Elena is yelling for Jeremy, which causes Bex to bitch at her, and Stefan puts out his own eardrums with a convenient twig…or at least he looks like he wants to.
Both women have pretty valid complaints against each other – Elena daggered Rebekah before whatever dance that was last year, and Rebekah ran Matt’s truck off the bridge.
While we were watching this episode my BFF wanted to know why they’re not just vamp-whooshing around the island searching the whole thing in like ten minutes. I really had no answer for her, although going slowly does make it easier to avoid traps such as:
ELENA: You totally just kept me from being impaled.
BEX: Yeah, nobody’s really happy about it. Let’s keep going.
Elena, grudgingly grateful, goes back to camp to check on Bonnie.
At the shack:
As Damon continues to interrogate Shane, we learn that in addition to a Hunter, a Witch, and the tombstone (whose purpose we still don’t know), there have to be three massacres. Apparently the spell to free Silas needs so much energy it takes like 36 dead people to generate it…although that begs the question, where is that energy now? Two of the massacres have taken place, and those people are already good and dead. Does the spell drag that energy back from wherever in order for Bonnie to Express it? Is it all stored in the tombstone, maybe?
Shane was reluctant to get in on that until the intercut flashbacks of his dead wife conveniently justified all of it and told him it wouldn’t be his fault if someone else killed 12 people. Someone else, like say, a grief-stricken pastor.
DAMON: You’re not finished, then. There’s still one massacre left. Are we it?
SHANE: It doesn’t work that way.
See, now, here is where you say, “okay, then tell me how it does work” and find out about the third massacre – that way you’ll have more facts to give the others to convince them this whole cure thing is a bad idea. But instead, Damon skips ahead to “tell me where the well is,” which could have waited a few more minutes.
Back in Mystic Falls…
Caroline manages to be adorable while dying, rather than sweaty and gross like Rose was.
CAROLINE: I’m sorry.
TYLER: No, it’s my fault for helping un-sire the hybrids.
CAROLINE: Actually it’s more your fault for fucking with Klaus all day long, priming the crazy pump, so that when I arrived he was already on the edge and looking for someone to hurt. But hey, let’s not split hairs.
TYLER: Wait, I’ve got a great idea.
He takes Caroline back to the Gilbert House where Klaus is still trapped in his Pottery Barn nightmare.
TYLER: If you want her to die, you can watch it happen yourself. My unusually poofy and somewhat scary hairdo and I are outta here.
KLAUS: It’s okay, love, you’ll be dead in a little bit so it’s all good.
For some reason Caroline doesn’t look convinced.
Now, Shane is tied to the chair, allowing Damon to whoop up on him to his heart’s content…which means it’s a great time for Shane to deliver the whole “Elena’s going to dump you as soon as she’s human” speech.
DAMON: You mean to tell me a university actually gave your dumb ass a degree? *smack*
SHANE: You should leave the island! Seriously! Don’t hang around here and get dumped!
Damon figures that Shane’s baiting him so that Damon will leave, allowing Shane to do whatever he wants with Silas, and he’s probably right – Shane’s a nutbar, but he’s not stupid, so his insistence on getting to Damon and making him leave must have an ulterior motive.
DAMON: I’m not that easily manipulated.
Yeah…right…I’d like to point out Exhibit A, Katherine Pierce, who made you dance like a cute little marionette for how long? Hey Shane, if you really want to get Damon to do your bidding, I’ve got one word for you: coitus.
Before Damon can break Shane’s neck, however, Elena whooshes in and intervenes.
Damon stalks off, and Elena follows, demanding to know what the hell his deal is.
DAMON: I don’t want you to be cured. There, I said it.
ELENA: How many times do I have to tell you -
Damon throws Shane’s argument, that human Elena and vampire Damon would never work, at her, and basically proves how easily he is manipulated – but he’s also right. Elena’s response, of course, is that he should take the cure with her, and they can grow old together and so forth.
Damon’s facial expression goes through about six different emotions processing that, until he seems to realize what she’s really saying: she wants him to do what Stefan would do. Much like the way Stefan couldn’t love Elena as a vampire, sire bond or no sire bond it’s unlikely human Elena would be able to live her life with Damon as a vampire unless he became someone he’s not: his brother.
That goes over about as well as you’d expect.
Off in the woods Stefan and Rebekah are still Jer-hunting, and things get a little touchy-feely for a minute before degenerating into yet another discussion about Elena.
REBEKAH: Running her off the bridge saved my family. And she’s helped kill two of my brothers. It’s not like I drove her over the bridge just to piss off Klaus. So maybe you all shouldn’t act like she’s the saint and I’m the devil.
STEFAN: But…Elena’s lady parts are magic. Rainbow unicorn magic. Ask anyone.
BEX: What about my lady parts?
STEFAN: Your lady parts have their own Historical Society. But they’re a fun place to go on vacation.
They head back to camp, where they find Elena freaking out – not only is Bonnie missing now, but so’s Shane…and the tombstone.
Gilbert House of Klaus
Klaus has considerately put Caroline on the couch where she can writhe herself to death in comfort.
CAROLINE: You’re kind of a jackass.
KLAUS: Yep. It’s right there on my Facebook profile: Klaus Mikaelson is an evil jackass.
CAROLINE: You’re not totally evil, though. You’re nice sometimes and kinda smexy.
Klaus is amazed that after all of his efforts to be irredeemable, Caroline still thinks he’s at least a little human. She also confesses that she knows he’s in love with her, and that sometimes she wishes she could overlook all the evil stuff, because underneath it she’s seen glimpses of the person he could be.
CAROLINE: Anyone capable of love can be saved. Except Damon.
She starts twitching and moaning, and it finally occurs to Klaus that, oh yeah, she’s actually going to die if he doesn’t heal her. Nobody really thought he would let her die, but this way we get to see Joseph Morgan with tears in his eyes again, and that’s always fantastic.
What Do You Want on Your Tombstone?
Rebekah has kind of lost her shit.
ELENA: Why are you going through my stuff?
BEX: You took the tombstone, didn’t you? You’re trying to kill me! All of you are trying to betray me!
STEFAN: There’s no way I’d let the cure get away! I hate being a vampire! Being cured ends the guilt and suffering!
Um…Stef, honey…humans can feel those things too. And becoming human doesn’t erase all the killing sprees you went on, so the guilt isn’t going anywhere. It just means you probably won’t kill anyone else…although, that does bring up an interesting point: what kind of human can you be if you’ve spent a century and a half as a vampire, hurting lots of people and coping with watching time roll by all around you? If you go from that kind of intensity to the comparative banality of a human life, could that make you just as crazy? Is Murder Guy Stefan something he can ever really be free of – can he, or any of the others, really live a “normal” life, or will there come a day when he’s standing in line to buy diapers and beer and catches himself imagining what it would feel like to beat the clerk to death with a bat? Hmm.
I’m not really sure why Elena looks so astonished at Stefan’s declaration of anti-vampire sentiment, but apparently it’s a huge shock to her.
BEX: I still don’t trust her! Unicorns freak me out!
ELENA: Fine, here. *offers white oak stake* We’ve got to work together.
Elsewhere in the woods:
Shane runs through the trees with the
styrofoam Very Important Rock, and meets Dances With Cliches, who is dragging Jeremy along by a chain. This bodes well.
Turns out Shane’s friend is just a white guy with dreads, who has a penchant for wearing white facepaint at night. Okay then.
SHANE: Way to kill that archer dude.
DANCES: Um…wasn’t me.
If you’re keeping score, we’ve got a stranger with a bow who tried to kill Jeremy, and a stranger with a hatchet who killed the bow guy, and then this guy, who isn’t either of those guys but is with Shane.
Bonnie blunders into them. Her locator spell led her right to Shane, thanks to Dances, whose real name is Massak and who is apparently a Witch.
Thank God for closed-captioning of I’d have no idea how to spell any of this crap.
SHANE: Okie dokie! Let’s go raise us an ancient dead dude who most certainly will be totally sane, happy to help, and not bearing a grudge against the descendents of Qetsiyah.
Damon storms through the forest going God knows where. I guess he’s looking for the Creepy Island Bar & Grill or something.
DAMON: Damn it.
Shadowy Stranger #1 flings himself at Damon, and the two scuffle until Damon has the guy down and is poised to break his neck. Instead of actually doing it, however, he pauses just long enough to notice the tattoo on the dude’s hand.
DAMON: Oh, great, another one of the Five. Now my day is complete.
Which of course gives the Hunter a chance to turn the tables, flip Damon over, and snap his neck. Hunter guy stands up, letting us see his face for a second, and my mind runs through all the characters trying to figure out who he is, because these guys are all looking the same lately and would it kill them to get, like, an Asian dude or a real Native American just to shake things up?
Next week on The Vampire Diaries: Damon commits self-sabotage, Stefan is self-loathing, Bonnie is outraged, Caroline is injured, all the vampires hate themselves, Klaus has a really twisted idea of how relationships work, some crazy fucker wants to kill everyone over some convoluted mythology that is slowly beginning to sound like a bad acid trip, there’s a magical object people want, and the only thing that really matters is who ends up with Elena.
Yeah, I know.