Smallish Bloggery, Day 4: I am proud of myself for…

Day 4: I am proud of myself for…

Oof.  There would have to be a prompt like this one on a day when I’m feeling less-than-enthused about myself.  

I am, however, a writer, and my bullshitting ability is something I am proud of, so let’s see what I can come up with.

Content warning: Discussion of suicidal ideation.

I am proud of myself for staying.  I have been depressed for most of my life, and I have been suicidally depressed for an alarming percentage of that.  Fortunately (I suppose) my type of depression is so enervating that when suicidal ideation has come, I’ve been too tired or too paralyzed to act on it.  For the most part when I am suicidal it’s not that I want to kill myself so much as I want everything to…just stop.  Pain, sound, light, existence, me – I’ve just wanted them to stop.

I have not stopped.  

Over and over, I stay alive, and one clawhold at a time climb back to some semblance of life.  Sometimes I’ve had to bribe myself – one year I promised myself I’d stick around until the last Harry Potter book came out, and it worked – but I’ve always managed to hold on just long enough.

I’m also fortunate (a really, really bad choice of words, but I can’t think of a better one) that I know without a doubt that the whole “my family would be better off without me” thing is crap.  My brother committed suicide.  I saw what that did to my mother and father, to the family as a whole.  And while he was…not an angel, let’s say, and leave it at that for now…I would never, ever do to my loved ones what his death did to them.  

When people say “You can’t stay alive for someone else, you have to live for yourself,” I want to shake them.  It’s true that making someone else your reason to live is extremely unhealthy (and a terrible burden to put on that other person), but another person, your family, or a book coming out in six months can be a perfectly adequate reason not to die right now

Most of the time the decision to commit suicide hangs on a few minutes of intolerable misery; if you can get through them, even with a dumb reason, you will feel better tomorrow or at least be glad later that you didn’t act.  So if it’s your Mom that keeps you here another day, great!  Stay because of your cat, your best friend, the second Infinity War movie.  Don’t you want to know how they fix that?  

Don’t you want to know how the Shadow World series ends?  C’mon, you know you do.  Stay with us and yell at me after you read it.  You know you’ll want to.

A suicidal crisis is not the time to consider grand ideas about your purpose.  A crisis is a time to grab onto any rope you can and hang the fuck on.  Later, once you’re stable and can breathe again, you can work on living for yourself and finding your own meaning in existence.

Anyway.

This post seems to have veered sideways a bit, but that’s okay.  The idea wasn’t to adhere strictly to a few words in a prompt, but to inspire myself to say something, and lo, it worked!  Look at me go.

Since I’m talking about this, here is a non-comprehensive list of crisis hotline numbers.  Don’t be afraid to reach out.  

  • The US National Suicide Prevention Lifeline is: 1-800-273-TALK (8255)
  • Crisis Text Line: Free, 24/7 support for anyone in need who can’t talk on the phone. Text START to 741741.
  • En Espanol: 1-888-628-9454
  • Hearing Impaired Lifeline TTY at: 1-800-799-4889 
  • Lesbian, Gay, Bisexual, Transgender and Questioning (LGBTQ) Suicide Hotline (the Trevor Lifeline): 1-866-488-7386 
  • Trans Lifeline at 877-565-8860
  • Veterans: 1-877-VET2VET

Worldwide suicide hotline numbers:

Albania: 127
Argentina: (54-11) 4758-2554
Australia: 13 11 14
Austria: 142
Barbados: (246) 4299999
Belgium: 106
Botswana: 3911270
Brazil: +55 51 211 2888
Canada – Greater Vancouver: 604-872-3311
Canada – Toll free-Howe Sound/Sunshine Coast: 18666613311
Canada – TTY: 1-866-872-0113
Canada – BC-wide: 1-800-SUICIDE (784-2433)
China: 0800-810-1117
China (Mobile/IP/extension users): 010-8295-1332
Croatia: (01) 4833-888
Cyprus: +357 77 77 72 67
Denmark: +45 70 201 201
Estonia (1): 126
Estonia (2): 127
Estonia (3): 646 6666
Fiji (1): 679 670565
Fiji (2): 679 674364
Finland: 01019-0071
France: (+33) (0)9 51 11 61 30
Germany (1): 0800 1110 111
Germany (2): 0800 1110 222
Germany (youth): 0800 1110 333
Ghana: 233 244 846 701
Greece: (0) 30 210 34 17 164
Hungary: (46) 323 888
India: 2549 7777
Ireland (1): +44 (0) 8457 90 90 90
Ireland (2): +44 (0) 8457 90 91 92
Ireland (3): 1850 60 90 90
Ireland (4): 1850 60 90 91
Israel: 1201
Italy: 199 284 284
Japan (1): 03 5774 0992
Japan (2): 03 3498 0231
Kenya: +254 20 3000378/2051323
Liberia: 06534308
Lithuania: 8-800 2 8888
Malaysia (1): (063) 92850039
Malaysia (2): (063) 92850279
Malaysia (3): (063) 92850049
Malta: 179
Mauritius: (230) 800 93 93
Namibia: (09264) 61-232-221
Netherlands: 0900-0767
New Zealand (1): (09) 522 2999
New Zealand (2): 0800 111 777
Norway: +47 815 33 300
Papua New Guinea: 675 326 0011
Philippines: 02 -896 – 9191
Poland (1): +48 527 00 00
Poland (2): +48 89 92 88
Portugal: (808) 200 204
Samoa: 32000
Serbia: 32000
Singapore: 1800- 221 4444
South Africa: 0861 322 322
Sweden (1): 020 22 00 60
Sweden (2): 020 22 00 70
Switzerland: 143
Thailand: (02) 713-6793
Ukraine: 058
United Kingdom (1): 08457 909090
United Kingdom (2): +44 1603 611311
United Kingdom (3): +44 (0) 8457 90 91 92
United Kingdom (4): 1850 60 90 90
United Kingdom (5): 1850 60 90 91
United States of America: 1-800-273-TALK (8255)
Zimbabwe (1): (263) 09 65000
Zimbabwe (2): 0800 9102

 

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4 thoughts on “Smallish Bloggery, Day 4: I am proud of myself for…

  1. THANK YOU for this. On my darkest days, when I want it all to just stop, which happen a few times a year, I don’t choose to stay for me but for my soon-to-be teenager. I wouldn’t ever want her to go through that and if that keeps me here so be it.

    I missed your posts and I’m usually just a lurker but I love your work, your planner creations and most of all your thoughts and presence. I am glad that you are here. Thank you again for this.

  2. I’m doing this along with you on my facebook and my answer to this question is similar. I’m proud of myself for staying alive. I stay for my daughter. I brought her into this world and she is the biggest reason behind why I still choose to keep pushing forward. Some days I feel like giving up but seeing her face is what makes me go on. People say I’m selfish to live for her but I strongly feel I’m not. Being my little girl’s mother makes my life have purpose and makes me stronger every single day!

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