Smallish Bloggery Day 26: Care instructions for your new Sylvan

Congratulations on the newest member of your family!  Your new Sylvan will bring you years of companionship and no doubt a good deal of consternation.

Upon arriving home be sure and introduce Sylvan to the rest of your family slowly.  She is shy of strangers and may bite if approached aggressively.  She takes a while to warm up to you but one day you may be rewarded with the occasional sloppy drunken hug!

Give your Sylvan her own room and don’t be surprised if she spends a lot of time there.  Sylvan suffers from a mood disorder that leaves her very tired most of the time, and she also tends to need lots of time to herself to balance out the mad shrieking urge to run mad and shrieking when forced to be around people too long.  Sylvan likes to have a comfortable bed and needs access to a toilet as she has a bladder the size of a peanut.  You’ll find she doesn’t go outside much during Summer and can’t tolerate heat but comes alive in Fall and Winter!

Feed your Sylvan lots of delicious foods, ideally avoiding dairy, flesh, and eggs.  You may find that your Sylvan has tummy trouble on a regular basis – don’t be alarmed.  Adopting a rescue Sylvan means bringing home all of her quirks, and that means IBS!

Some of Sylvan’s favorite foods are:

  • Coke Zero
  • Haagen Dasz nondairy flavors
  • Toast with almond butter
  • Hummus with tortilla chips or sliced baguette
  • French fries with Whataburger ketchup
  • Indian food, especially a nice aloo ghobi
  • Starbucks soy Frappuccinos or other nondairy iced coffee beverages
  • Moscow Mules (in moderation – a hungover Sylvan can ruin your whole day!)

To avoid negative experiences for everyone in the family please do not attempt to feed your Sylvan:

  • Kale
  • Avocados
  • Any sort of mayonnaise product
  • Too many raw vegetables 

Your Sylvan also needs lots of emotional support when it comes to her writing.  She’s very sensitive!  Whatever you do don’t ask her about sales numbers, Amazon reviews, or when she’s going to come out with a new book.  Avoid taking your Sylvan around too many other writers as she may become territorial and bite.  

Make absolutely sure your Sylvan has access to reliable wifi and a Macbook, and she’ll happily write away her days if she ever gets another goddamn story idea.  With a little love and a whole lot of junk food, your Sylvan will make a great addition to your household!  

 

 

 

 

 

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