Saga of a Sucky Non-Sucking Thing

A writer’s life is glamorous, you know.  Just this week I’ve made soup, come down with a sinus infection, and nearly fallen off a toilet.  Then there was this tasty little slice of life this evening.

That's How I Roll.

Sylvan:  I refuse to live in this nasty ass house one more minute.

Sylvan’s body:  Yeah, whatever, babe.  *fallsover*

Sylvan: Okay, but at least I can wash my nasty ass jeans and vacuum the house.  Andmaybedosomedishes. Okay?

Body:  Well…we’ll start with jeans and vacuuming.

Sylvan:  *begins vacuuming*

Vacuum:   *refuses to cuum*

Sylvan:  WHY AREN’T YOU SUCKING? I JUST CLEANED YOU OUT LIKE A MONTH AGO.

Vacuum:  You have a cat that pulls out her own fur.

Sylvan:  …so?  She can’t have that much.  *disconnects hose*

*enormous scary caterpillar of solid cat hair poos out the hose, followed by monumental belch of cat food bits*

Sylvan:  Oh, balls.

Vacuum:  Get the screwdriver.

Sylvan:  I don’t need it.  I’m just going to do that pumping thing that moves all the clogs down the hose into the trash can, see?

*spends 20 minutes essentially jerking off her vacuum hose*

Vacuum: *is clogged*

Sylvan:  *gets the screwdriver, disassembles vacuum*

Vacuum:  NO DISASSEMBLE NUMBER 5!

Sylvan:  STFU, buttsuck.  *spends 20 more minutes unclogging the tiny bit of hose that goes into the motor*

*giant explosion of hair-terpillars, cat food bits, miscellaneous dust, and Sylvanhair all over Sylvan’s lap*

Sylvan:  *coughs uncontrollably for five minutes, wheezes* Dude.

Vacuum:  Sorry.  We can just cuddle.

Sylvan:  *reassembles vacuum, almost forgets to put screw back in, remembers* Okay.  Let’s try this again.

*flips switch*

Vacuum:  *GIVETH A MIGHTY SUCK*

Sylvan:  Wow…my carpet is tan?

Become my patron for exclusive online content and read new stories before anyone else!

2 thoughts on “Saga of a Sucky Non-Sucking Thing

  1. My vacuum and I are about to have one of those obligatory meetings as well. I just haven’t been able to tell it that it’s not my type… aaaahhh, how do we always end up at this place? =)

Comments are closed.

Scroll To Top