A writer’s life is glamorous, you know. Just this week I’ve made soup, come down with a sinus infection, and nearly fallen off a toilet. Then there was this tasty little slice of life this evening.
Sylvan: I refuse to live in this nasty ass house one more minute.
Sylvan’s body: Yeah, whatever, babe. *fallsover*
Sylvan: Okay, but at least I can wash my nasty ass jeans and vacuum the house. Andmaybedosomedishes. Okay?
Body: Well…we’ll start with jeans and vacuuming.
Sylvan: *begins vacuuming*
Vacuum: *refuses to cuum*
Sylvan: WHY AREN’T YOU SUCKING? I JUST CLEANED YOU OUT LIKE A MONTH AGO.
Vacuum: You have a cat that pulls out her own fur.
Sylvan: …so? She can’t have that much. *disconnects hose*
*enormous scary caterpillar of solid cat hair poos out the hose, followed by monumental belch of cat food bits*
Sylvan: Oh, balls.
Vacuum: Get the screwdriver.
Sylvan: I don’t need it. I’m just going to do that pumping thing that moves all the clogs down the hose into the trash can, see?
*spends 20 minutes essentially jerking off her vacuum hose*
Vacuum: *is clogged*
Sylvan: *gets the screwdriver, disassembles vacuum*
Vacuum: NO DISASSEMBLE NUMBER 5!
Sylvan: STFU, buttsuck. *spends 20 more minutes unclogging the tiny bit of hose that goes into the motor*
*giant explosion of hair-terpillars, cat food bits, miscellaneous dust, and Sylvanhair all over Sylvan’s lap*
Sylvan: *coughs uncontrollably for five minutes, wheezes* Dude.
Vacuum: Sorry. We can just cuddle.
Sylvan: *reassembles vacuum, almost forgets to put screw back in, remembers* Okay. Let’s try this again.
Vacuum: *GIVETH A MIGHTY SUCK*
Sylvan: Wow…my carpet is tan?Become my patron for exclusive online content and read new stories before anyone else!