Round and Round She Goes

Here we are, in the first month of another new year.  And since it’s been so long since my last post, this is usually the part where, as a typical blogger, I apologize for being gone so long and vow to post more often, et cetera.

You know what? I suck at blogging.  I used to be good at it back when I felt like I had unique or at least interesting things to say and I wasn’t weary of the internet’s insistence on showing its ass at every available opportunity.  I have psyched myself out of so many posts wondering what the consequences would be!  I’ve had just enough bad experiences that I ask myself, “Is what I have to say important enough or different enough to be worth the (metaphorical) balls shoved in my face for being a Woman With Opinions on the Internet?” and the answer always seems to be “God I’m tired.”

I don’t want to be like that – now more than ever speaking up, refusing to remain silent about what’s important (or even unimportant but fun, anything to shed a little light or spark a little laugh in this hellscape of a world we’ve stumbled headlong into), is vital – but I’m 41, jaded, depressed, and no longer so sure of my footing.  

2018 was terrible.  Let’s just get that out there.  I was in a shithole of a brainspace, my executive functioning was at an all time low, and my writing career dwindled to basically nothing.  To paraphrase Ray Bradbury, the only way you can truly fail as a writer is to quit writing, and I have come dangerously close to failure in the last year.  

I can’t be angry with myself; as I said, I’ve been in a shithole, and nearly got fired from my day job for absenteeism because there were so many days I just couldn’t get out of bed.  That’s what my mental illness tries to do to me.  It tells me I’m a failure, a lazy waste of carbon atoms, and then it tries to prove itself right.

My new-old desk and writing situation.

I’m doing a bit better right now, and feeling a bit more optimistic.  I’ve been writing naughty fan fiction again to try and, er, get the juices flowing, and I’m working through a goal-setting system called Powersheets that has helped me get a better look at my priorities – both where they have been and where I want them to go.  I have a snazzy new writing space in my bedroom that I’m so happy with I love spending time there (see photo), and I’ve gotten back into my magical and spiritual practices, which I have a LOT to say about, though at the moment I’m having a lull because I’ve had a back injury and getting down to my altar has been, well, kind of embarrassingly impossible, bringing to mind the episode of Planet Earth where the baby walruses try to get up on the polar ice and keep sliding off.

Since I couldn’t find footage of that, please enjoy this instead:

At any rate, this post is really just a “hello again” and an expression of hope that I’ll be around more this year – I can hardly be around less!  I’m trying to get past my reluctance and my hangups, so hopefully I’ll even have some pretty toothsome stuff to talk about.  For those still here, thanks for hanging with me.  If I’m not a failure, it’s because of all of you!  

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New Shadow World Extra: Reclamation

Happy Friday, my dear readers!  To celebrate the Autumnal Equinox (or maybe just because the impending Fall has me feeling frisky), I finally, FINALLY finished this Extra, which my Patrons got to read several days ago.  

This Extra is meant as a sort of sequel to the last one I released, and it’s a sort of “bridge fic” between Book 7 and Book 8, to get all the characters and the overall universe where I want it to start off the last book.  It’s meant to be similar in spirit to “Even in the Rain,” therefore, just from Miranda’s point of view and a bit more definitive in where things stand.


Reclamation  (pdf download)

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Musings on Shadow Work

DISCLAIMER: I am not a therapist or mental health practitioner of any kind. I can only speak to my own experience and results with any practice I discuss, and nothing I say should be taken as professional advice.  If you are experiencing a crisis please seek qualified professional help.

Recently I had a tarot reading from the lovely Jessi Huntenberg, specifically her “Witch Path” reading that is meant to help you progress in your magicospiritual unfolding.  I wanted to know why I didn’t seem able to actually establish a practice, and what was holding me back from actual connection to a higher power or my own mojo.

From card 1 I knew two things: 

  • 1 – Jessi Huntenberg is a steely-eyed missile woman (ten points if you get the reference) and
  • 2 – She was absolutely right that there were things from the past I needed to face and understand if I wanted to move forward. She suggested a round of shadow work, and I heartily agreed.

What is shadow work, you may ask? It sounds more arcane than it necessarily is. The whole concept arises from Jungian psychology – Jung believed that all the parts of ourselves we deny, behavior we are ashamed of, and events we can’t deal with make up our shadow, almost a hidden second self which influences every move we make, dogging our steps and making it impossible to be integrated, whole beings until we’ve faced it down.  The idea is not to destroy the shadow – quite the contrary, it’s to understand its origins and embrace it so that we can control its impulses rather than those impulses controlling us.  

As Kelly-Ann Maddox (another steely-eyed missile woman) says, shadow work does not give you an excuse to be a dick because “Hey man, it’s just my shadow, it’s part of me and I can’t change that.”  Much like learning about your natal chart, understanding your shadow gives you a place to work from – it is a catalyst, not an excuse.  You shine a light on parts of yourself long neglected and bring awareness to them, then use that knowledge to progress on your path as a human being.

There are many ways to go about shadow work.  My process thus far has consisted of a lot of journaling and meditation, and in only a few sessions it’s uncovered some pretty nasty shit that, if I’d tried to address it a few years ago, I would have gone into a self-hating tailspin or at least shoved it back in the box.  Now, however, the primary emotion to arise is relief.

Shadow work isn’t just saying “Damn, girl, you’ve done some shady shit.”  The point is to figure out WHY you have, and WHY you continue to make decisions that compromise your relationships and integrity.  This may require revisiting childhood events (even the tiniest thing can feed your shadow, though of course trauma is a key player), or at least looking back along your path and taking note of what was going on when you started making iffy decisions. For a lot of people obviously this is a process best undertaken with professional help.  I’m a Scorpio, however, and one thing we love is relentless self-analysis – finally a chance to use it for good instead of evil!

(Seriously, find a therapist or at least a trusted peer to speak to if you’re interested in shadow work but feel afraid or overwhelmed at the prospect.  Here there be dragons, and while you can probably tame them yourself, if you’re not used to cave-diving in your own psyche it can be hazardous.)

What I’ve found is that while I haven’t been able to trace a single origin point for the issue I wanted to examine, I’ve definitely found a current of belief that, while unhealthy, made sense as a coping mechanism in the context in which it arose.  I suddenly sat back and thought holy hell – I’m not a terrible person!  I’ve been doing a shitty thing for a long time because of some other shitty things, and that doesn’t make it less shitty but it DOES mean I am not doomed to keep doing it forever because I’m some sort of high-functioning sociopath (which isn’t really a thing anyway).   That means that I can act from a place of awareness and do better.  

Shadow work is, above all, meant to be liberating.  It helps you reclaim your authenticity and your psychological sovereignty – you don’t have to be held hostage by your own bullshit if you’re willing to drag your bullshit out into view and air it out.  It’s not easy, but then again, living chained to a fuck-ton of baggage you’re pretending doesn’t exist isn’t easy either.  As with much of adulthood it comes down to choosing which kind of pain you prefer.

If you’re interested in learning more about this sort of thing, here are a couple of introductions; each of these ladies has a YouTube playlist on the subject you can delve into as well.  I’ll undoubtedly have more to say about it as well.   

Do you do shadow work?  Have some resources to share?  Do so in comments here or on Facebook.

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Smallish Bloggery, Day 30: I will go down with this ‘ship

Sorry guys.  My last two days of Smallish Bloggery were interrupted – I was felled by a brief but intense bout of food poisoning that involved 102F fever and longing for the sweet embrace of death a bit more than wanting to blog.  

I am still feeling pretty horrid, to be honest, so instead of waxing bloggerific about ships I know and love, or any of that, I shall just refer  you to my work over on Archive of Our Own where you can read a bit more about a couple of my favorites, as long as you like a) boys getting it on and b) significantly adult-oriented material.

I’ll be back with a Day 31 wrap-up as soon as I feel able.  In the meantime, please enjoy some exceedingly gratuitous Johnlock and Frostshield:

suchaprettyface at Archive of Our Own 

(18+ only please, thank you)

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Smallish Bloggery, Day 29: I dip my french fries in…

…ketchup.  Specifically, if I can get it, Whataburger ketchup.

Whataburger, if you’re not from Texas, is a fast food chain that is mostly located in the Lone Star State and is kind of ubiquitous here.  I can’t speak much for the burgers anymore but their fries are just about my favorite on the planet and their ketchup is a thing of beauty and a joy forever, so much so so that a few years back they started selling it in grocery stores.

It also comes in spicy.

I also love to dip fries in white cream gravy…and yes, chocolate milkshakes.  A nice salty fry in a chocolate shake…mmmm.  But only shoestring fries like Whataburger’s – not big ol’ wedges or anything flavored.  

I’ve been known to dip tater tots in barbecue sauce as well.  But tater tots are not french fries.  Fries have their own magic.

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