Here we are, in the first month of another new year. And since it’s been so long since my last post, this is usually the part where, as a typical blogger, I apologize for being gone so long and vow to post more often, et cetera.
You know what? I suck at blogging. I used to be good at it back when I felt like I had unique or at least interesting things to say and I wasn’t weary of the internet’s insistence on showing its ass at every available opportunity. I have psyched myself out of so many posts wondering what the consequences would be! I’ve had just enough bad experiences that I ask myself, “Is what I have to say important enough or different enough to be worth the (metaphorical) balls shoved in my face for being a Woman With Opinions on the Internet?” and the answer always seems to be “God I’m tired.”
I don’t want to be like that – now more than ever speaking up, refusing to remain silent about what’s important (or even unimportant but fun, anything to shed a little light or spark a little laugh in this hellscape of a world we’ve stumbled headlong into), is vital – but I’m 41, jaded, depressed, and no longer so sure of my footing.
2018 was terrible. Let’s just get that out there. I was in a shithole of a brainspace, my executive functioning was at an all time low, and my writing career dwindled to basically nothing. To paraphrase Ray Bradbury, the only way you can truly fail as a writer is to quit writing, and I have come dangerously close to failure in the last year.
I can’t be angry with myself; as I said, I’ve been in a shithole, and nearly got fired from my day job for absenteeism because there were so many days I just couldn’t get out of bed. That’s what my mental illness tries to do to me. It tells me I’m a failure, a lazy waste of carbon atoms, and then it tries to prove itself right.
I’m doing a bit better right now, and feeling a bit more optimistic. I’ve been writing naughty fan fiction again to try and, er, get the juices flowing, and I’m working through a goal-setting system called Powersheets that has helped me get a better look at my priorities – both where they have been and where I want them to go. I have a snazzy new writing space in my bedroom that I’m so happy with I love spending time there (see photo), and I’ve gotten back into my magical and spiritual practices, which I have a LOT to say about, though at the moment I’m having a lull because I’ve had a back injury and getting down to my altar has been, well, kind of embarrassingly impossible, bringing to mind the episode of Planet Earth where the baby walruses try to get up on the polar ice and keep sliding off.
Since I couldn’t find footage of that, please enjoy this instead:
At any rate, this post is really just a “hello again” and an expression of hope that I’ll be around more this year – I can hardly be around less! I’m trying to get past my reluctance and my hangups, so hopefully I’ll even have some pretty toothsome stuff to talk about. For those still here, thanks for hanging with me. If I’m not a failure, it’s because of all of you!Become my patron for exclusive online content and read new stories before anyone else!