You guys, this episode. I just don’t know.  Apparently there’s a lot of that going around over this one.  I’m not too upset about it because with all the rocking awesome TVD gives us, an occasional lackluster episode isn’t the end of the world, but…well, let’s see.

SPOILERS AND BITCHERY AHOY.

Can we PLEASE stop having brother discussions about who “gets” Elena when she’s not even in the room?  Does she not have a say?  For all their talk about Elena making her own choices, there sure does seem to be a lot of “who gets to keep the puppy?” between those two.

Oh, and Elena:  YOU DON’T HAVE TO PICK ONE.  You can be single, at least long enough to graduate high school or, say, make it a week without a disaster.  I promise your lady parts won’t grow shut if you don’t use them for a while.  Four words, honey:  Good Vibrations Dot Com.

This ep just left me with a really questionable taste in my mouth, kind of like when you think you’re drinking Coke and it turns out it’s Pepsi, and at first it’s almost okay, but then you want to spit everywhere.

There were definitely things I liked – I loved Damon throwing himself under the bus for his brother without even hesitating, and I loved Elijah’s scene in the woods with Elena as well as his internal conflict over survival and family versus what’s right.

And while I don’t really want Caroline to get with Klaus, their scenes together are fabulous – I love how in the presence of this one girl Klaus acts like a boy, and I think we get a glimpse of the actual person underneath 1000 years of evil.  Caroline brings that out in people, though; something about her honesty cuts through people’s bullshit and makes them willingly show their vulnerable sides.

On the other hand, the whole ritual thing was…did anyone else feel like it was over way too fast, and with way too little emotional heft given all the time this season that’s been put into that damn coffin?  And suddenly there’s another tree out there that can bring about the Originalpocalypse?  Where the hell did that come from?  And if Esther had a way to make her kids human again, why did she need to kill them?  Why not just let them be mortal? Surely the hell of dealing with Social Security in their old age rights the balance of nature?

Okay, enough bitching.  On to the recap.

 Gilbert House

In a rather Season 1 musical montage, we see Elena waking up and calling Stefan…why, I’m not sure, but she “has to talk to him.”  Then she calls Damon for what is apparently the tenth time, only he picks up.

DAMON:  McShaggy’s House of Naked.  How may I upset you today?

ELENA:  Look, I know I was bitchy to you last night what with the barbed comment and the having your spine broken and all, but…get over it.

DAMON:  Whatevs.

Den of Antiquities

Damon is, of course, in bed with Rebekah after their night of tasty vampire shagging.  Rebekah gets her ball gown back on (wait, she doesn’t keep a change of clothes and toothbrush in her cleavage?) and the two do the whole “let’s not make a big deal of this” thing walking to the door, which of course means Elena’s on the other side.

ELENA:  *blink*  GET YO BLONDE ASS AWAY FROM MY…I mean, clearly she must have compelled you into this.

DAMON:  Nope.  Believe it or not, not everything is about you.

EVERYTHING:  *is totally, always about Elena*

Elena is angry that Damon slept with Rebekah after Rebekah came after her, then turns right around and is angry that he’s not upset that Esther plans to kill all her kids, Rebekah included.  Damon, however, is solidly on the side of “YAY!” when it comes to Esther’s plan.

ELENA:  But Elijah’s nice, and moral, whatever that means to a vampire.  How can we just let him die too?

STEFAN:  By not getting in the way.
The brothers are of one mind on the subject, so Elena storms off to fuck everything up. 

Meanwhile, at the Haus of Klaus…

Elijah snoops in Esther’s room and finds her sage wand, which as we all know is only used for one thing:  privacy spells.  Since white sage doesn’t grow in the Georgia climate and there’s no way in hell Esther used it when she was human, she must’ve studied up on modern Witchcraft in one hella hurry.

Downstairs, Kol, who I have decided I hate, slut-shames Rebekah for daring to have consensual sex with an adult.  She basically throws a shoe at him.  Aside from Kol being a snotty little jackass, the scene is really cute, very authentic in the sibling-snark.

KOL:  Nik, come cause havoc with me.

KLAUS:  Busy drawing Caroline, sorry.

KOL:  But I can guilt you into anything with that whole daggered-in-a-box thing you did.

KLAUS:  Yeah, I’m starting to think dropping your coffin in the ocean would have been a better plan after all.

The boys leave to go day drinking, and Rebekah runs into Elijah, who is “concerned” about their mother’s motivations.

REBEKAH:  I’m going to be delightfully naïve about this even though she’s been dead for 1000 years and acts about as trustworthy as, well, us.

Caroline’s House

It took me a minute to figure out the location for this scene, since the girls’ bedrooms are pretty similar, but all the trophies on the dresser clinch it.

ELENA:  …and Damon was all gloating and shirtless and…

BONNIE:  Am I waving this thing around right?

ELENA:  I don’t know, Esther’s had more smoke.

CAROLINE:  *pokes her head in the door*  It’s not working, guys.  Did you try Wingardium Leviosa?

BONNIE:  Speaking of Esther, she wants me and Abby to help her off her children.  She’s sucking power from the Bennett bloodline, which we’re okay with for some reason.

ELENA:  But we can’t kill Elijah!  We’d have a fan uprising on our hands!

CAROLINE:  The hell we can’t!

BONNIE:  Yeah, given the body count they’ve all stacked up just in the last season, and multiply that times a thousand years, one of them being suave doesn’t really justify screwing up the whole plan.  Plus, if Klaus lives, he can use you to make more hybrids, who will kill lots of people.

ELENA:  But it DOESN’T FEEL RIGHT TO ME.  I have to go fuck this up.  Excuse me.

Den of Antiquities

Stefan and Damon argue…sort of…about Elena screwing up the plan, and Stefan is pissy about Damon hooking up with Rebekah, even though, as Damon points out, this means Stefan has a clear run at Elena.  It’s one of those “well then neither of us gets her!” conversations that sets my teeth on edge, as I mentioned earlier.

I also find it hard to believe that all Elena has to do is say one thing Damon doesn’t want to hear and suddenly he’s able to just blow her off – sure, he lashes out in a rather psychopathic way when prodded, but it doesn’t jive with how he’s been acting toward her this season.  They’ve had a solid, believable progression in their friendship, but much like Stefan’s wonderful villainy early on, we seem to be regressing Damon’s character with very little justification.

Stefan meanwhile doesn’t take the glass of blood Damon offers him, so we can infer he’s off the people juice again – even though we haven’t seen any withdrawal like last time, and even though both he and Lexi claimed it would take years for him to sober up after a Rippah Bender.  Wow, Elena’s lady parts really DO have magical powers!  Rainbow wings can’t be far behind.

Gilbert House

Elena answers the door.

ELIJAH:  Will you take an ill-advised drive into the woods with me?  There will be no shenanigans.

ELENA:  How did you know I love going into the woods with vampires?  You’re so thoughtful!

Out in the woods, Elijah totally calls her on her lying about Esther, and shenanigans naturally ensue.  He impressively stomps his foot through the ground, opening up a hole into the tunnels below, and stows Elena there.

Den of Antiquities/Mystic Grill

Phone call:  Damon is looking for Elena, and Alaric is having lunch with Meredith (meaning he’s drinking).

ALARIC:  Elena told me all about your little sleepover.

DAMON:  She’s telling you about my sex life now?  You guys are creeping me out, seriously.

ALARIC:  Despite the fact that I’ve been helping you guys try to kill Klaus this whole time, I’m okay with Elena fucking up the plan, mostly because it irritates you.

In the middle of discussing Alaric’s medical tests and how they didn’t show anything useful about whoever stabbed him, he and Meredith are interrupted by the arrival of Klaus and Kol, looking to party.

KOL:  *makes eyes at Meredith*

MEREDITH:  Ew.  What are you, like, twelve?

So far Meredith is an interesting character – she seems totally unimpressed by the vampires, even the Originals, which if I recall correctly lines up well with her character in the first few books; we know so little about her, though, she’s still a huge question mark.  She knew about vampires, and it seemed like she had used vamp blood to heal someone before, so…what vampires besides ours has she dealt with?

Out at the Moldy Mansion

Bonnie and Abby arrive at the Witch House where Esther kind of gushes about how wonderful it is to suck power from their bloodline.  Witches sure don’t hang onto their own power very well, do they?

Esther’s flowery dialogue makes it sound like she capitalizes every word.

ESTHER:  Come, My Sisters, We Shall Undo This Nasty Nasty Badness I Made, Using Your Power Entirely, For You Are A Complete Bloodline of Most Worthy Awesomeness, And My Children Are Assholes, Except Finn Who Is Kind Of Creepy And Elijah, Who Is Moral.

BENNETTS:  *are totally on board with this even though they know zilch about what exactly the spell entails, what it will do to them, who else it might effect, or even what props are involved.*

Den of Antiquities

Elijah issues an ultimatum:  the Brothers must stop Esther from doing her ritual, or Rebekah, over in the caverns, will kill Elena.

ELIJAH:  But you have until 9:06, because after all, I’m the moral one.

DAMON:  You keep using that word. I do not think it means what you think it means.

STEFAN:  There’s only one place they ever go to do Witchcraft around here, and you’ve been there, so why don’t you go take care of it yourself?

ELIJAH:  If they see me coming they’ll know something’s up, unlike later in the episode where they see me coming and know something’s up but it doesn’t matter.  You need to break the Bennett bloodline to stop Esther from being able to channel them all, so, off you go, kill yourselves a Bennett.

AUDIENCE:  ABBY!  KILL ABBY! FOR THE LOVE OF GOD!

Off in the Tunnels of Terror

Rebekah is more than a little put out at the situation, and voices her amazement on behalf of the audience that everyone in the damned town is willing to saunter happily into hell for Elena.  Elena puts the blame off on Esther and is all, “Your mom doesn’t hate you, she just thinks you’re an abomination against nature and have to die.”

Den of Antiquities

Stefan stares into the basement freezer where they keep the blood bags, acts like he’s going to drink one, doesn’t drink one, yadda yadda struggle angst yadda.

DAMON:  Hey, why don’t we just dagger one of the Originals?

STEFAN:  Because the daggers kill any vampire using them.

DAMON:  Hey, why don’t we just have Alaric dagger one of the Originals?

Mystic Grill

The plan:  divide and conquer, meaning lure Klaus away from Kol.  The lure is Caroline – so, everyone already figured out that Klaus is into her?  That was fast.

Klaus, all puppy like and cute, tries to get Caroline to hang out with him, even just to sit on a bench and talk.  Joseph Morgan sells Puppy Klaus with surprising ease – he’s put enough nuance into the character that while it’s a bit strange to see him acting this way, it doesn’t ring false.

CAROLINE:  So if I sit down and talk to you, even though you fucked up Tyler’s free will and everyone’s lives, you won’t suspect a thing?

KLAUS:  Girl pretty.

The Moldy Mansion

Abby is skeptical that Finn would just sacrifice himself to kill his family, but Finn doesn’t seem to have attended the same School of Freakish Loyalty that the others have, so it’s all good.

The Grill

Kol tries to get all up on Meredith.  She is clearly, and quite rightly, squicked out.

KOL:  Fine, then.  Assault it is.

ALARIC:  Okay!  *daggers the fuck out of him*

All over town, Originals start going veiny and dropping, except Klaus, who feels woozy and immediately figures out Caroline is involved in something hinky.

As Alaric drags Kol out into the alley, the Brothers arrive just in time for Klaus to administer a beatdown.

KLAUS:  I should have killed you long ago!

DAMON:  That’s what your mom said.

KLAUS:  I WILL KEEEEEEL YOU.

ELIJAH:  No you won’t.  We need him…for something.  I don’t know what.  Shirtlessness, perhaps.

Back in the caves, Elena takes advantage of Rebekah’s temporary vicarous bedaggering and books it, but ends up blundering into the cave where the empty coffin and all the cave paintings are.

Elena delivers a very impressive backwards head-butt and shakes Rebekah off, reaching the cave, which is anti-vamped, so she’s safe…right?

Rebekah, however, is kind of an evil genius, and I kind of love her for it.

Meredith’s Apartment

Yay, a new set!  Alaric, freshly broken from his beatdown, groans on the couch, and Meredith fusses over him.  They end up holding hands.  It’s quite adorable.

Out in the Woods, Damon’s Car

The Brothers have a Moment.

DAMON:  Elena’s going to be so pissed.

STEFAN:  She would totally let herself get killed for her friends.  Except someone would save her – do you think that’s why she’s got such a martyr complex, because she knows nobody’s ever going to really let her die?  That’s kind of twisted.

DAMON:  Well, in reality, she only has to hate one of us – one of us can off the Witches and take all the blame.

They flip a coin to see who will be Murder Guy this time.  We don’t see the result, just Stefan looking grim.

The Original Batcave

Rebekah returns with a FUCKING GAS CAN and sloshes gasoline all over Elena, the cave, everything, without having to enter the cave herself.  She then starts tossing matches.  This is quite possibly the cleverest thing ever.

ELENA:  Um…I throw +1 Wacked-out Logic to convince you not to burn me alive!

REBEKAH:  I counter with +2 Not Giving a Shit.

ELENA:  But if you kill me you won’t get to torment me and draw out your revenge!   What if you survive the night?

REBEKAH:   Hmm.

The Moldy Mansion Front Yard Pentagram

Finn senses the others are coming.  Panicking, Esther sends the Bennetts into the house where the Witch Spirits will protect them.

The Original boys aren’t very happy with either Finn or Esther, but as long as she’s in the magic circle they can’t hurt her.  Esther gives them the whole “I have to kill you” rigmarole and yet somehow that doesn’t smooth things over.

Inside the house, Abby sees something shiny and wanders off from Bonnie, so you know she’s done for.

BONNIE:  Stefan, what are you doing here?

STEFAN:  Three guesses.

BONNIE:  Elena’s in danger, right?  But I can’t stop Esther from channeling us!

STEFAN:  Yes…and…

BONNIE:  Aw, shit.  You’re going to kill me.

STEFAN:  Well, I’d love to, but even if you’re dead Esther can still gank your magic from beyond the grave, so the only way to interrupt your bloodline is to make one of you not a Witch anymore.

DAMON:  Hey Abby, let’s make you useful for a minute.  Slurp my wrist.  *NECK KERSNAP*

Outside, the jig is up.

ESTHER:  No, My Sisters, Do Not Abandon Me!  Because You Totally Have A Choice Here!  No?  Oh Well, Fuck It, Finn, Let’s Haul Ass.

The fire goes out.  Esther and Finn have vanished.

Time for the Musical Montage!

Bonnie sits beside Abby, teary-eyed, holding her hand.  At the front door, Caroline bars Elena from coming inside; Bonnie doesn’t want to see her.

ELENA:  But she’s always been there for me – I have to be there for her!  Whether she wants it or not!  My way!

CAROLINE:  Bonnie loves you, so she’s not mad at you for not being dead, she just needs you to go away and let her deal with this.  Bonnie’s suffering is great, for the woman she barely knows is in transition and she’s always the one who gets hurt.

ELENA: …really? I’ve still got the fewest parents around here, you know!  I’m down by four and my guardian dies in every episode!  Oh my god, she’s not going to get all bitchy and anti-vampire again, is she?

CAROLINE:  Yeah, bye.

Bless Caroline, yet again – she’s in a really tough position, but she manages to hold things together and be fair to both her friends.

Den of Antiquities

Damon washes his hands in a conspicuously soapdish-free bathroom.

STEFAN:  Why did you turn Abby when I’m the one who lost the coin toss?

DAMON:  Because I know you haven’t been drinking human blood, and you want to be Old Boring Stefan again, and I’m tired of being nice anyway, so, congratulations, you get to keep the puppy.

So…now that Damon has chosen Stefan’s happiness over Elena, can we call it even for Stefan choosing to save Damon over being with Elena?

Gilbert House

Elena finds a note on her bed from Elijah.

ELIJAH (voiceover):  Dear Elena, the shining light of your rainbow unicorn hoo-ha has thrown into sharp relief the non-shininess of my own behavior, and I shall live with the regret forever.

Haus of Klaus

Elijah himself is staring forlornly out the window when Rebekah returns, looking frustrated and tired of the whole mess.

ELIJAH:  I’m a terrible person.

REBEKAH:  But you’re a great vampire!

ELIJAH:  Exactly the problem.

Next room over, Klaus is burning his drawings of Caroline.  He, too, seems tired and defeated rather than happy to be alive.

KLAUS:  Are you leaving too?

REBEKAH:  You’re pretty much all I’ve got.  Oh, and by the way, there’s another white oak tree that can kill us.

KLAUS:  Who in the what now?

REBEKAH:  See here on my cell phone video?  Those cave paintings show natives worshipping at a tree 300 years after we burned the first one.  It must have had a tree baby.

KLAUS:  You’re kidding me with this shit.

But Wait, There’s More!

Alaric wakes on Meredith’s couch; she’s asleep in the other room.  After popping a pain pill he starts snooping, as one does–there’s a pile of files and papers on the table, and his own name catches his eye.  He finds his own medical file, one on Bill Forbes, and the dead ME…and then he finds the knife used to kill them, wrapped up and left on the table, which is totally where I keep my serial killer weapons.

MEREDITH:  Oh, hey, have you been killed this episode?

ALARIC:  Well, I–

*gunshot*

AUDIENCE:  So…that happened.

You know, for a show with so much sexual tension, very little actual sexing occurs on TVD, and I for one am prepared to Twitter rant at Kevin and Julie about it! In fact I shall offer death threats and impugn their honor, for I, as a fan, am entitled to exactly what I want!

Just kidding. I’m going to watch the show and enjoy how impossible everything seems so that those little moments of awesome are more satisfying, because a) that’s what makes it fun and b) I AM NOT A BRATTY LITTLE ASSHOLE.

Sorry, fandom, but I just don’t get it.  Yeah, there’s stuff on this show I don’t like. I want to smack Elena (in the head) almost as often as I want to smack Damon (on the ass).  But I’m in it for the long haul because this show is fantastic, and I have faith that even if things don’t go 100% how I want them to, they’ll be done well.

Once upon a time I was in love with a show called Bones, and I was very invested in the main pairing.  For several years I pined for them to hook up, but I knew as soon as it happened the dynamic would change, so part of me loved that tension, that edge of suffering that kept me coming back.  When the show really started to suck (to me) because I could no longer hang with the writing, it was painful, genuinely painful, to let it go.  I felt manipulated and dicked around by the writers.

Did I hurl abuse at them on Twitter? No, I did not.  I ranted to my co-fans, stopped watching the show, and found something else to love.  Because ultimately, IT WASN’T ABOUT ME.

I’m just so over this bullshit.  I’ve never met Julie or Kevin or any of the TVD writers in person, but just from Julie’s Twitter she seems like “my people,” and I really, really hate it when people are mean to my people.  Especially since I’ve been on the other end, receiving hateful emails and Tweets just because I wrote something that didn’t go the way someone wanted it to.

If you want to write a bad review, fine. That’s your right as a consumer.  Everybody’s gotta hate something, right? At least in America.  But a little courtesy toward the people who are bringing you something you supposedly love is not too much to ask.  If the show makes you that angry, you need therapy, not TV.

Ahem.  Sorry for the rant, on with the recap.

Mystic Falls General Hospital

(Also known as the Gilbert Vacation Home.)

Elena and Matt let us know that Alaric won’t be in this episode; he’s in the hospital for “observation,” which makes me wonder what other fetishes Meredith has, after that whole stabbity-palooza of last week’s episode. 

MATT:  I wonder who’s behind all of this? I sure hope it doesn’t turn out to be me, under some kind of compulsion.

ELENA:  Nah, it’s probably that shadowy figure in the other room watching us.

THAT PLOTLINE:  Will have to wait until later.

After rehashing other bits of the plot to keep us all on the same page (Caroline’s dad died, Tyler’s MIA, et cetera) Elena and Matt part ways in the parking lot.

MATT:  Get home safe.

ELENA:  God damn it, Matt, you know that means something bad is going to happen now!

SOMETHING BAD:  *happens*

REBEKAH:  Boy, are you in for it, little Missy.

ELENA:  Why am I the only person on this show who can just instantaneously forget about people doing crappy shit to me?

ELIJAH: Here I come to save the daaaaaaaaay!

*title card*

Gilbert House

Elena, who appears to be cleaning up Alaric’s blood (remarkably calmly, I might add – I think even knowing he’s alive I’d be kind of freaked about it.  Or maybe she’s used to mopping up after her relatives by now), informs the Brothers that the Mystery Box did, indeed, contain Original Mama.

STEFAN:  So…the one thing that could kill Klaus wants to stay and play Haus with him.  That’s just awesome.

ELENA:  Elijah promised that his family would leave everybody alone, and we have no reason to doubt him, right?

BROTHERS:  …

The doorbell rings, and Elena finds a lovely handwritten invitation to a ball…an actual, honest-to-god ball, thrown by the Mikaelson family.

NOBODY:  Hey, I thought everyone hated Mikael?  Why wouldn’t they just go by Estherson?

ELENA:  There’s a note on the back that says Esther wants to meet me.

DAMON:  You have got. To be kidding. Me.  How the hell did they put together a formal ball this fast?

STEFAN:  Dude, you saw how fast Klaus renovated the Haus. Obviously they’ve compelled a legion of party planners.

Haus of Klaus (et al)

The Original Kids are getting ready for the ball, and it turns out the little one’s kind of a douchebag with a really bad accent.  Rebekah is still bitchy – and for some reason, even though I used to hate her, I kind of enjoy her now.  Seems I’m not the only one, but we’ll get to that later.

KLAUS:  You went after Elena!

KOL:  I am rebellious and posh and I’ll kick your hybrid ass!

KLAUS:  Mooooooooom!  Kol’s touching me!

ESTHER:  I DON’T WANT ANYONE IN THIS HOUSE TOUCHING ANYONE EVER AGAIN!

Because parents are not interested in justice -they want QUIET!  (That was totally a Bill Cosby thing, which most of you are probably too young to have heard, so just ignore me.)

Esther draws Klaus aside.  She’s looking very modern, and appears to be a quick study – but, it turns out, she *has* been on the Other Side for 1000 years, her punishment for creating vampires, so I guess she’s had lots of time to listen to talk radio and watch people pee in the shower.

Esther points out, quite rightly, that Klaus can’t expect them to just forgive him right away after all the crap he pulled.

KLAUS:  But you forgave me, and I killed you even more than I killed them.

ESTHER:  A thousand years has given me perspective, my son.  Forgiveness is a gift.

Klaus should probably wonder what else she’s gotten into perspective since then, but it would seem he’s still so obsessed with getting the family together, and having everything be all Normal Rockwell via Tim Burton that he accepts what she says, and we get to see a strange side of Klaus:  one that seems almost guileless.  It’s as if he’s happy to turn the whole thing over to his mother, to let her be the mother, and no longer have to be the one trying to hold things together (in his twisted way).  Really, he died a child – and never really matured much past his age the way some vampires seem to, and it’s hard to look at him with Esther and not want him to get some measure of peace, just for a minute, before everything goes to hell.

Anyway, Esther even teases Klaus that he needs to find a date for the ball, and we get tonight’s first glimpse of Twitterpated Klaus, which I think might just be my new favorite Klaus.

Gilbert House

Back in the land of less interesting relationships, Damon and Stefan are arguing over who gets to take Elena to the ball.  Big shocker there, right?  Stefan does his usual whiny bratting over Damon having kissed her, and Damon is as usual overprotective because for some reason Elena still has a death wish. 

The end result seems to be a stalemate.  So that should go well.

Caroline’s House

Caro gets a voice mail from Tyler:

TYLER:  Caroline, I’m sorry about everything, and about your dad, and my being sire-bonded to that incredibly charming, handsome fellow with the nice accent who gives you jewelry and looks so hot in a Henley–DAMN IT KLAUS.  I’m out here trying to get my free will back, because I love you, and I’ll come home once I know I can, you know, not murder you to death.  Okaybye.

Caroline hangs up the phone just in time to hear someone at the door; she finds a brown and cream-wrapped box and an invitation waiting for her.  On the back of her invitation is a note from Klaus to “save him a dance.”  In the box is a…well, a giant blue meringue, it looks like, covered in mesh, but I’m guessing it’s a very fancy dress.

And because our Caroline is So Over That Shit, her response is, “SERIOUSLY?”

Mystic Grill

CAROLINE:  This whole thing is just some Cinderella fetish gone horribly wrong and I am so not going to end up losing shoes and shit.

ELENA:  But I need you to go with me, to act as my bodyguard.

CAROLINE:  Why not one  of the Boys?  Like STEFAN.  Who you HAVEN’T been macking with lately.  Yeah, I know all about it, and am about to lay some girl guilt down on you.

ELENA:  Wait, so…Stefan left a trail of bodies up and down the Eastern Seaboard, helped Klaus create the hybrids that include Tyler, killed two people at our school, killed Andie Starr, bit me, then force fed me his blood and threatened to drive me over Wickery Bridge…and you think I should get up on that.

CAROLINE:  It beats Mr. Kills Lots of Random People, then tries to turn you into a vampire, then breaks your brother’s neck, and —

ELENA:  Wait…why am I wanting either of these guys again?

CAROLINE:  BEATS THE FUCK OUT OF ME, girl.  I’ll settle for a nice normal werewolf, if I can ever get one again.

REBEKAH:  I’m here to make a joke about you STABBING ME IN THE BACK because you STABBED ME IN THE BACK.   *goes and gives Matt a ball invitation*

CAROLINE and ELENA:  @_@

Haus of Klaus plus Fünf

The party is already gearing up and we find Damon looking ravishing in his tux chatting it up with Carol Lockwood, who as mayor is apparently just going along with whatever the Originals want to do with her town, since, after all, they could kill every citizen in half an hour if they wanted to. 

KOL:  Mayor Lockwood, let’s introduce ourselves.  I’m the Bratty One.

DAMON:  I’m D–

KOL:  Here, hold my nutsack, it’s quite heavy–what, you don’t work here?

DAMON:  *eyebrow of foreboding*

Just then Elena arrives in a…well, a dress, I guess, although it’s a bit…well, it’s gold, and poofy, and let’s just go with that.  We’re definitely dealing with a higher social caste here – none of the girls are done up in that slightly oversexed teenager way they do at school dances.

Damon, of course, cannot keep his eyes off our fair Doppelganger, which of course means that Stefan will get there first.

A bit of sniping, and Elena ends up walking into the ball with a Salvatore on each arm, which of course we’ve all been dying to see…wait, no, what I’ve been dying to see is the threesome cover of EW actually happen on the show.  But I’m a patient woman, so I’ll wait for the dream sequence you know they’ll toss us one day.

Once inside, Finn comes up to Elena.

FINN:  Hello, Elena, I’m the Enigmatic One with the good accent.

ELENA:  Take me to your mother.

FINN:  You’ll have to shake your two firm, handsome, chiseled bodyguards.

ELENA:  Fine, why don’t you take them off to one of the bedrooms and–

ELIJAH: *throws +2 HoYay Cockblock* If everyone could gather please…

ELENA:  Dammit.

All of the Originals are assembled on the grand staircase, including Esther, and while Elijah informs them that they’re going to do one of those formal group dances like in the last ball…which ball was that? Oh, right, the Founders Memorial Miss Mystic Ball or something, the Brothers notice something.

DAMON:  Do you see who I see?

STEFAN:  Oh yes.

That exchange makes NO sense to me, even on third viewing, so if anyone can tell me what the hell they’re talking about, I’d appreciate it.  Are they saying Esther looks like someone else?  I dunno.

Elena attempts to follow Esther upstairs, but Damon blocks her and acts rather thuggishly to try and keep her “safe.”  Now…I’m torn about this, because on the one hand, if Elena’s really as suicidal as she seems to be, she’s never going to stop throwing herself into these situations; and she’s old enough to make at least some of her own decisions, like where to drop $2 grand on a dress, so Damon needs to back off.  Agreed.  However, Stefan later acting like he’s been the Good Brother because he let Elena come up with all her brilliant plans that never, ever worked doesn’t really put that many pluses in his column either. 

Really, you know what I think?  I think they should just level the playing field, zero out both brothers, and make them start over if they  want to pursue Elena.  If she absolutely cannot be by herself ever ever ever again, and must must must have a man to be complete, how about we wipe the slate clean and have her choose based on their actions starting right now?

Yeah, I know.  It would go about like it goes tonight.  *sigh*

Anyway, Damon ends up convincing Elena to dance with him, so we get to have our dancing scene of angsty goodness where everyone looks beautiful (except Stefan, who looks pouty).

Luckily, this is also where we get to see the newest Klaus doll on the market:  Klaus Comes a’Courtin!

Klaus Comes a’Courtin’ in fine style, complete with expensive dresses, diamond jewelry, charming one-liners, and more!

I gotta say, I love how Joseph Morgan has chosen to play this Twitterpated version of Klaus:  the intensity of his stares when he knows she’s not looking, the lowered face almost at “aw shucks” but not quite, the barely-visible vulnerability he lets her have a peek at…it’s really adorable. 

Klaus and Caroline spar a bit over the dress and the jewelry he gave her, and she’s generally snarky and resistant to his advances, because she’s Caroline, and she’s a magical unicorn.

KLAUS:  You’re a splendid dancer.

CARO:  That’s because I’m Miss Mystic Falls.

KLAUS:  *smiles softly* I know.

AUDIENCE:  *melts into puddle of awwwww*

Unfortunately now we get to watch Stefan and Elena…well, I was going to say they smolder at each other, but I don’t think Elena knows how to smolder and right now Stefan’s smolder comes off more as constipated. 

Let me say:  I really, really DO NOT WANT her and Stefan back together this quickly.  I won’t pitch a fit or anything, and I am not attached to the endgame either way, but after everything Stefan did this season  – whatever his motives – if Elena has any self-respect at all she won’t just take him back.  Eventually maybe.  But I don’t think I could let a guy touch me who had killed all those people – he wasn’t under compulsion when he did that, but he still tore their bodies to pieces and then reassembled them like a psychopath.  If I were her, even if I still loved Stefan (which of course she does, because emotions are not polite, and don’t care about ethics), I’d need time.  And space.  That goes the same for Damon, too.  He’s been a rock for her this season, but he hasn’t been an angel – and the fact is, they’re both VAMPIRES, I’m not sure I could handle being the girlfriend of anyone who’s one bad argument with me away from going out and ripping someone’s throat out, y’know? 

I just really hope that they take their time with this, and don’t rush it just to satisfy a few people who prize getting their way over good storytelling.  As long as it’s organic, and makes sense, and is done right, Elena could end up with Klaus for all I care.

Anyway, they dance, and Elena tells Stefan she needs a word, so they slink off.

Damon is dancing with Rebekah, and the two of them have such entertaining hate chemistry – they need hate!sex like a motherbear.  What I like about Rebekah as a female on this show is that she’s not as fragile and breakable as the younger girls; she’s got physical strength, isn’t quite as waify.  She seems like the kind of vampire Damon could throw around and do dirty dirty things to.  And let’s face it, the boy needs to get loved up, just so he can get his balls back on and gain a little perspective.  I think the Tractor Beam of Elena Cootchie has wiped out everyone’s minds.

Outside the Ball

Elena takes Stefan out where it’s quiet.

ELENA:  I need you to keep Damon off me.

STEFAN:  NO PROBLEM!

ELENA:  I mean, so I can talk to Esther.  All you care about is killing Klaus, right?  And all Damon cares about is me, so you have to stop him from interfering with my ill-thought-out plan to be alone with a thousand year old megawitch who tried to kill me from beyond the grave and is now acting like it’s all good.

STEFAN:  Okie doke.

ELENA:  I’ve always appreciated how you let me make my own decisions.  Except for that time you kidnapped me and force-fed me your blood and threatened to drown me, but I’ve already forgotten all about that since you made noises like you might feel bad about it, and that’s the same as being sorry.

STEFAN:  Oh, I’m so in there!

Back in the Ball

Rebekah conspires with the Bratty One to kill Matt just to piss off Elena.  I’m not really sure what the point of this is other than to establish Rebekah = not trustworthy (duh) or Kol = a bit douchey (duh squared).

Some Side Room

Damon walks in to where Elena waits for him.

DAMON:  I got your text.

STEFAN, behind him:  I got your necksnap.

DAMON:  I didn’t order a–

STEFAN:  Whoops, sorry.

ELENA:  You enjoyed that a little too much.

Elena heads down the hall to her meeting with Esther, only to be waylaid by Elijah, who hopes she’ll do him the honor of tattling on Mama Original, because Elijah has seen through Mama’s “forgiveness” and thinks something hinky is afoot.  Elena agrees to find him later and tell him everything.

Right.

Esther’s Room of Dodgy Dealings

Esther and Finn are setting things up, which means Esther is lighting up a sage bundle and Finn is pulling a dagger.  Guys, if you want to cover up the smell of pot, sage is kind of obvious, and it already smells like pot–go with frankincense, it’s a resinous scent so it…um…never mind.

Apparently the sage is Special Sage that will keep anyone from overhearing, so hey, maybe it is pot!

ESTHER:  I bet you have questions, Elena.

ELENA:  Boy howdy do I ever.  How long did it take you to figure out the flush toilet?  Because that would be really awkward.

ESTHER:  How about if I just tell you what I want you to know.  I’m not exactly a ghost, because the Witch Ayana put a spell on my body so I could get back in it later.  She was the first of the Bennett line, incidentally because on this show we believe in CONTINUITY, if not diversity, among witchy families.  That’s why Abby and Bonnie had to crack the Mystery Box, and that’s why I need you.

Outside, Among the Pretty Ponies

Caroline, being the girliest girl who ever tore someone’s throat out, loves horses.  Klaus decides to give it another shot.

KLAUS:  I love horses too you know.  My father killed mine, because my father was a bag of dicks.

CAROLINE:  Why did you invite me here?

KLAUS:  I fancy you.

AUDIENCE:  Awwwwwww…

Caroline ain’t having none of it, though, as she’s still pissed about Tyler being sire-bonded to Klaus, and biting her and all that.  She basically shoots Klaus down again and walks off.

Esther’s Dodgy Dealings

Esther confesses that turning her children into vampires was a horrible mistake, and that the only way to rectify it is to link all her children together and then kill them all at once.  She needs Elena’s blood to create the link.

ELENA:  Okay, sure.

AUDIENCE:  WAIIT…DON’T YOU WANT TO KNOW WHAT ELSE THE SPELL DOES? WHAT IF IT KILLS ALL VAMPIRES? WHAT IF IT KILLS ANYONE WHO DRINKS THE TOAST WHETHER THEY’RE VAMPIRES OR NOT?  DO THE RESEARCH ELENA!

ELENA:  Okay, sure!

Out in Ball Halla

Kol is impatiently egging Rebekah on toward killing Matt, but she’s already waffling – she doesn’t want to ruin Mother’s evening, or more likely, she never really intended to kill Matt but thought for a second she might save face with her psycho siblings.  They agree to meet outside.

Upstairs

Damon awakens from his broken spine in about the mood you’d wake up in, too; he slams Stefan into the wall and demands to know what the hell is going on.

STEFAN:  If you’d stop being such a dick and let her make her own choices–

DAMON:  Well if her choices didn’t involve getting her involved with you, who’s such a dick–

STEFAN:  Your emotions are clouding your judgment!  You’re a liability!  You care too much.  But since I get to pretend I don’t care, only to break down and care like a motherfucker later, you’ll go do something ill-advised and you’ll make me look like the stable brother AGAIN.  And I’ll get the girl, because you always forget this happens every time.

DAMON: DO YOU SEE THESE EYEBROWS? THESE ARE THE EYEBROWS OF FUTURE REGRET!

Outside

Rebekah and Matt take a stroll among the cars to get some air, and Matt is charming and sweet as always, and Rebekah, who has taken quite a shine to our Mr. Donovan, decides not to kill him after all, leaving Kol hovering in the background looking petulant.

Back at the Ball

Elijah finds Elena and asks what Esther had to say. 

ELENA:  *LIES HER ASS OFF*

Meanwhile the waiters are passing out champagne for the Cursed Toast Muahaha.

ESTHER:  Join me now in a toast to the family you’ve never really met until tonight, who are now BACK TOGETHER AS ONE.  Down the hatch, kids!

One by one, the camera focuses on each Original, and they all drink, though for just a second it looks like Elena wants to say something to Elijah…but doesn’t.

A Room of Klaus’s Own

CAROLINE:  So, why did we leave the fun party to be completely alone in this room where no one can hear me scream?

KLAUS:  So I can show you…my taste in art.

CAROLINE:  You drew these?

KLAUS:   Heartsnatching, large-scale murder, torture, compulsion, and mayhem are only a few of my interests, Caroline.  I also love art, horses, and ten-pin bowling.  Let me take you away from all this, anywhere you want to go.

CAROLINE:  Wow, must be nice to be able to steal or compel anyone to do anything, except for the part where you don’t have any real relationships because you’re so scared no one will love you…

KLAUS:  You and Bad Daddy took the same Psych 101 course, didn’t you?

CAROLINE:  Well, you can’t buy me, so here’s your bracelet back.

For a wonder, Klaus does not pitch a fit or try to kill or compel her or in any other way act bratty over it; he just looks upset and lets her walk away, you know, the way grown up men do when they’re shot down. 

Who’s got a dollar on Klaus letting Tyler go free when he comes back?

Back at the Ball

Rebekah has changed her mind about killing Matt, and Kol mocks her for it.

Elena is headed for the door, and Damon catches up to her with her wrap and a face full of pissed off over that whole neck-breaking thing that went down.

ELENA:  You’re mad at me for including Stefan?

DAMON:  I’m mad at you because I love you.

ELENA:  Well maybe that’s the problem.

AUDIENCE:  *flinches*

And we see the change come over Damon’s face that we’ve seen so many times before, and that Elena should recognize by now, as the “I’m about to lash out somehow that you are definitely not going to like” face.

CAROLINE:  Where’s Matt?

Off in some other part of the hall, Matt is wandering around looking like the next victim, when someone whispers his name out on a balcony.

KOL:  Hi, I’m here to kill you, because there’s one in every family.  First, I’m here to crush your hand.

MATT:  Hi, I’m here to OUCH!

DAMON:  *balcony shove, neck snap* How you like me now, douchebaby?

Everyone comes a-running to see what new shenanigans Damon has pulled, because obviously it couldn’t be anyone else’s fault, ever.

STEFAN:  Are you crazy?

DAMON:  Maybe a little.  < — Thus he describes himself perfectly.

And Damon, who is finally wearing his shit-eating grin again, walks away with a visible swagger that means he might have just uncapped the olive jar where Elena keeps his balls in the fridge and sacked the fuck up.

Caroline’s House

Caro calls Tyler and voicemails him that she misses him and really wishes he was there.  As she hangs up she sees yet another Klaus Box on her bed.

Frustrated, she yanks it open, expecting to find jewelry, only to find Klaus has hand-drawn a picture of her and a horse, and written across the bottom “Thank you for  your honesty.”

HE GAVE HER A PONY.  SHE IS SO DOOMED.

Haus of Klaus plus Fünf

Esther rails at Elijah for allowing violence to happen at her party.  Elijah promises he’ll deal with it, and for a moment Esther seems to genuinely regret what she knows she’s going to do to her single non-evil son.

Finn arrives, leaving him and Esther alone to finish the ritual to bind the family together (except Esther, who, not being a vampire, one would assume will just kill herself after, or maybe the final ritual to destroy them all will take her out too).  She needs Finn’s blood, and he’s on board with dying.

They do a neat piece of magic where the blood flows up into a family tree and then catches fire.   How come Bennett magic is never that cool?  I guess for the good special effects you have to level up a couple of times.

Gilbert House

Stefan has brought Elena home, because apparently Elena has decided she can ride in a car with him again without it ending in terror and blood.  Sure.

STEFAN:  So Esther’s going to kill them all…awesome.

ELENA:  It’s not that simple.  Elijah’s really dapper.  And noble.  And he makes those puppy dog eyes.

STEFAN:  What was with Damon earlier?

ELENA:  You know Damon, just being self-destructive.

I take issue with her saying that.  They know Damon was saving Matt, don’t they?  How is that self-destructive?  Normally when Elena says something cruel to him about how she’ll never love him, he goes and kills a random nice human somewhere, but this time, he channels his disappointment into saving Matt’s ass and then getting some ass.  I’d say that shows growth, wouldn’t you?

WHAT HAS THIS SHOW DONE TO ME.

Now, of course, they’re on the porch so Elena has to have Her Moment; she all but begs Stefan to “feel something again,” puts her hands on his face, wants to know how he can stand to not care when she feels everything, and she can’t stop feeling, et cetera.

Thank God, or at least thank Stefan, he doesn’t give in to the Power of the Porch, but walks away, saying something like “If I feel anything, all I feel is PAIN.”

This scene pissed a lot of people off because after all her stand-on-her-own stuff this season, here she was, practically throwing herself at him after everything that’s happened.  I get the anger, but I also kind of get what they’re aiming for here – that Elena wants Stefan to be himself again, not just so she can hop back on that, but for Stefan’s own good too. 

As I’ve said before, I don’t have anything invested in either pairing, although I do want to see Damon and Elena get it on like rabbits because they have such awesome chemistry (but let’s face it, Damon has chemistry with Elena, Stefan, Alaric, Rebekah, Klaus, Bonnie at times, Carol Lockwood, Mitt Romney, and random trees and statuary around Mystic Falls), so I’m fine with wherever the story goes – I just want it to make sense, and feel honest, not rushed or forced. 

And I don’t want Elena’s character to devolve after all her independence-gaining this season – oh sure, Stefan let her make her own decisions, but he sure didn’t leave her much time alone, did he?  He was just as possessive as Damon, just in a different way. 

Mystic Grill

Matt is brooding over his bandaged hand when Rebekah comes up to rub salt in his wounds.

REBEKAH:   Oh, salt doesn’t turn you on?  How about booze?

MATT:  I’d really, really like it if you got the fuck away from me.

Matt stalks off to figure out how he’s going to pay his medical bills on a busboy’s salary.

DAMON:  Rejected by the captain of the football team…welcome to adolescence.

REBEKAH:  I should have killed him.

DAMON:  You probably would have.

REBEKAH:  Are you saying I can’t be gentle?

DAMON:  I’m saying you shouldn’t have to be, nudge nudge, wink wink.

REBEKAH:  Wait, is that your normal eyebrow thing or do you want to do the sex?

Salvatore Boarding House of Red Hot Monkey Love

Damon and Rebekah do the sex.

The clothes-ripping, wall-slamming, standing up against a wall vampire sex that this show needs soooooo much more of.  NOM NOM NOM.

I find it interesting that when the supposedly “good” show, True Blood, does sex scenes, they’re always trashy and leave me feeling like I’ve been watching Jerry Springer; but when the supposedly “teen” show does sex it’s actually hot.  Probably because the people doing it aren’t totally reprehensible.  But that’s another rant for another time.

*title card*

Next Week:  Oh no!  Elena finds out the guy she won’t fuck fucked someone else!  Clearly he’s betrayed her! Oh, wait! How about someone who actually got fucked over, like Elijah, finding out what Esther really said?  That’s more like it! And Witches!  …Wait, don’t fall asleep, there’s fire too!

You know what I don’t get? Okay, let me make a short list, which is by no means exhaustive.

1. Why in the seven levels of hell did Elena’s parents stay in Mystic Falls given that, according to Abby Bennett, they knew she was the Doppelganger? Of all the billionty places they could have lived that the Originals wouldn’t have looked–was it some kind of “hide in plain sight” thing? Whose brilliant idea was that?

2. Are we going to see Klaus do his body-switching trick again, or was that just a weird plot device? So far we haven’t heard a peep about it this season.

3. Why do I keep wanting to fall asleep every time Bonnie’s on screen this season? I should care way more about her and her mom’s drama, but they mostly just seem like a massive monkey wrench that keeps interrupting the story’s rhythm. A really, really boring monkey wrench. This episode was great, but it would have been 10 times better without stopping to deal with the Witches. They’re a massive energy-suck. In his last 45 seconds on screen I gained more sympathy for Bad Daddy than I’ve had in two episodes for Abby.

That’s all I can think of right now. Let’s get down to business.

Could this pic BE any sexier, incidentally?

Right Where We Left Off at Haus of Klaus

Man, how long has this season gone on so far? Renovating a house takes months.

ELIJAH: Hi. *administers beatdown*

KLAUS: We really should sell tickets to this. It’s hotter than hell.

ELIJAH: Can we talk about that thing where you SUCK?

KLAUS: I do! Boy do I ever! Let me tell you the full story of my suckdom, because…erm…my honesty will win you over?

ELIJAH: …okay.

KLAUS: Hey, did you know that “gullible” isn’t in the dictionary?

ELIJAH: Yeah, fuck you too.

*title card*

Gilbert Haus

Alaric, bless him, is hung over and looking for aspirin. Elena’s up and ready for her Buffy jog.

ALARIC: I am an outstanding role model for young people.

ELENA: Dude, at this point, you’re the sanest person on this show who isn’t Caroline.

*doorbell*

SHERIFF FORBES: I’m here to violate police procedure.

ELENA: Must be Thursday.

SHERIFF: You know that chair leg we found in the douchey ME? It’s yours. And it’s got your prints on it.

Meanwhile, Damon is walking through a sunlit meadow. My hand to God.

ELENA, on the phone: The Sheriff doesn’t think I killed the guy, just that someone’s offing Council members.

DAMON: Meredith did it.

ALARIC: Sexyassholesayswhat?

DAMON: You told her where all your weapons were hidden. Weirdest come-on ever, by the way.

ALARIC: It worked on you.

DAMON: I’m special. Anyway, Meredith was the guy’s ex, it happened the night they fought, two and two equals psycho.

ELENA: I refuse to believe that. There’s no way Ric can be *that* godawful with women.

ALARIC: …

DAMON: …

ELENA: *facepalm*.

We see that the sunny meadow is, in fact, a meeting-place for Damon and Elijah…who has gotten a haircut and is holding a note that Damon tucked in his pocket after undaggering him.

ELIJAH: *has swagger*

DAMON: You don’t happen to know what’s in the Mystery Box, do you?

Rune-Carved Cave of Wonders

Stefan, Bonnie, and Abby (oh goody) head down into the cave, where Damon thoughtfully tucked the Mystery Box, or rather, had some human dudes tuck it for him since vampires can’t get in.

ABBY: What’s all this?

BONNIE: *explains the coffin plot for us again*

STEFAN: Okay, ladies, get to cracking.

ABBY: But I don’t have any magic!

STEFAN: Neither I nor my volumizing hair products give a rat’s ass. Get to work.

Stefan climbs out of the tunnel where Elena is waiting to confront him about possibly killing the ME.

Stefan, for some reason, is having trouble with the fact that she thinks he might be a murdering dick, on account of his being a murdering dick and all.

Y’know, I’d like this whole Darth-Stefan-morphing-back-into-boring-Stefan thing much better if he wasn’t acting like it’s everyone’s fault (meaning Damon’s) that he pushed Elena away. Yes, Stefan got with Klaus to save Damon’s life, but who exactly was he saving when he drove Elena over that bridge? That right there would be psychotic enough to break up a normal couple.

I’m not arguing that Damon’s better–just that Stefan, all on his own of his own free will, has done enough to drive Elena away. If the result of being conflicted is Stefan turns into a petulant child, I’d really, really rather him stay evil.

Actually I would anyway because evil Stefan is awesome. But I digress.

Mystic Falls General Hospital

Caroline and Elena have come to pick up Bad Daddy, but Meredith informs her that he checked himself out. Meredith makes it clear she knows Caroline’s a fang-bearer, and I have to wonder how many other people in Mystic Falls know full well what’s going on in their midst but continue to live there anyway.

MEREDITH: Your dad’s a Grade-A cockweasel, by the way. I gotta go – I need to call Alaric and find out what the hell he meant by “epic threesome.”

Caroline tries to call her dad…only to hear his phone ringing somewhere nearby.

AUDIENCE: Oh boy, does that not bode well.

BAD DADDY: *is in a storage room, filed under S for Stabbity*

CAROLINE: Don’t be dead, Daddy, don’t be dead!

AUDIENCE: *wibble*

ELENA: He had vampire blood in his system, though, so–

BAD DADDY: *gaspawake*

Cave of Wonders

Bonnie lectures her mother on sucking, then conveniently has Abby’s grimoire open to exactly the page they need.

ABBY: See this symbol, the one that looks like a Japanese rope bondage trick? It means we need two generations to…do whatever. Seriously, I doubt anyone’s really paying attention to the mechanics of this spell, they just want us to get on with it.

BONNIE’S BROW: *furrows*

Salvatore Den of Antiquities

Stefan is flouncing about being a jerk, but he’s shirtless, so it’s all good. Damon informs him that they have a double date with the Original Boys to negotiate a truce or something like that, which is basically a ruse to buy time for the Witches to unseal the Mystery Box.

STEFAN: I’m sorry, I can’t hear you. You kissed my girlfriend.

DAMON: I’m sorry, I can’t hear you, I’m busy NOT DRIVING HER OVER THE BRIDGE WHERE HER PARENTS DIED. Also, kindly remember that Klaus is the reason all of this is happening. Now sack up and put on this shirt.

AUDIENCE: Nooooo! Dinner parties are always better without shirts!

MFGH

Bad Daddy is up and around and has somehow found a clean shirt. Caroline and Elena remind us all how turning into a vampire works, only to have Bad Daddy let us know that he may be an asshole but he’s a consistently written asshole who has no intention of turning into a vampire.

Gilbert House

Alaric lays out his entire arsenal to take inventory. Elena comes home with the knife that killed Bad Daddy.

ALARIC: This is from the crawlspace. Meredith knew where it was.

ELENA: Jesus Christ, how long were you two talking about weapons before you started making out? Did you give her a blueprint of the house too?

ALARIC: I sure know how to pick ‘em, don’t I.

ELENA: We should start a club.

Haus of Klaus – Guess Who’s Coming to Dinner?

For reasons known only to crazy hybrids, Klaus has found someone to cook a steak dinner for the boys, rather than just inviting them over for blondes.

KLAUS: *is jovial and homicidal*

STEFAN: I’m not here to negotiate. I’m here to make things uncomfortable.

DAMON: I can’t take you anywhere, can I. Come on, now, Mr. Grumpy Pants, here comes the airplane….

STEFAN: *deathglare*

KLAUS: I’m so glad you undaggered my brother.

DAMON: *winks at Elijah* The more the merrier.

ON SECOND VIEWING: *that line is pure awesome*

KLAUS: Of course, Elijah and I always manage to work things out, because we love each other and I’ll stab him and put him in a box if he doesn’t do what I want.

STEFAN: Wait, Klaus, where’s Rebekah? Oh, right, you daggered her too so you wouldn’t have to face up to killing your mom.

DAMON: *actual dialogue* Hey Stef, remember when you killed Dad? Might want to dial down the judgment till dessert.

Caroline’s Porch

CAROLINE: Do you think Meredith did this?

ELENA: Much as it sucks, probably, yeah.

Caroline and Elena’s ensuing conversation about her father is pretty heartbreaking, due mostly to Candice Accola, who is a magical unicorn made of wonderful.

CAROLINE: I don’t want my dad to die. Even after everything he did.

ELENA: You can’t force him to turn…you can’t take his choices away.

AUDIENCE: *cough*Jeremy*cough*

Matt shows up, and he and Caroline hug fiercely while she cries.

Still Less Awkward Than Most Family Thanksgivings

ELIJAH: So, where’s Elena?

KLAUS: Boy, did you miss a lot. You won’t believe this, but these two are fighting over a Petrova doppelganger.

ELIJAH: Now would be a great time to tell them about the Original Petrova, wouldn’t it?

KLAUS: Totally.

ELIJAH: Well, see, there was this girl, and Klaus and I both had a squish on for her. We knew she’d put out because she had already had a baby, thereby ensuring the bloodline continued, and there was all this competing and fighting over her until our mother pretty much killed her.

DAMON: Wait…your mom killed your girlfriend…to stop you from arguing?  And your dad killed all of you because he was too much of a dick to leave the werewolves alone? At least you people come by your batshit insanity honestly.

ELIJAH: It gets better. Mom fed us Tatia’s blood to turn us into vampires. So basically, having the hots for Petrovas is hereditary. Sorry, guys.

KLAUS: But we made up eventually, because family is the most important thing.

Damon and Stefan exchange a sullen but meaningful look.

Cave of Slow-Ass Pacing from Hell

Bonnie and Abby are trying to pop the Mystery Box. Bonnie lectures Abby again about being a shitty mom, and guilts her into trying again.

See, there? That took two sentences. Why did this scene have to take A MILLION YEARS, when there were way more exciting things happening elsewhere? Total flow-killer, I’m telling you.

Finally, the candles flare up and the box almost sort of jiggles a bit. Bonnie, convinced they’re getting somewhere, goes to call Damon and tell him they’re making progress.

Unfortunately that means she leaves Abby alone, and we know what happens to people left alone in creepy rooms.

MYSTERY BOX: *POPS*

ABBY: *gasps*

SCREEN: *goes black*

Back at Haus of Klaus

DAMON: So here’s the deal. We’ll give you back the coffin, but you and all your Original kin have to leave town forever.

KLAUS: Oh, I can’t do that. I need Elena’s blood handy for hybrid-making purposes. The hilarious thing is that eventually you’re going to get her killed–you two are the worst thing that could possibly happen to her.

I seem to recall Isobel saying something similar back in season 1. And it was pretty much true then too.

Damon looks upset by the words, and Stefan just looks pissed. Damon leaves to “get some air;” Elijah goes with him to make sure he doesn’t run off or steal the silver or anything. And as awesome as the conversation between Klaus and Stefan might have been, Klaus decides he’d rather eat the waitress.

Gilbert Haus

Matt has walked Elena home from Caroline’s.

MATT: This town is fucked up and wrong.

Elena can’t argue with that, but she doesn’t have to, because they walk in to find the electricity is inexplicably out.

AUDIENCE: RUN. RUN FAST AND FAR.

ELENA: *runs neither fast nor far, but finds a flashlight*

AUDIENCE: DO YOU EVEN WATCH THIS SHOW?

As she and Matt are digging around for candles, they find a pool of blood…and smeared handprints in blood leading up the stairs. In a show full of creepy shit, this is one of the creepiest things I’ve seen yet.

Worse yet? The blood trail leads to Alaric, who has been stabbed with what looks like the same knife as Bad Daddy.

Alaric is only mostly dead, however, and comes to long enough to tell Elena to kill him.

MATT: How about we call 911 instead?

ELENA: No, he’s right–if I kill him he’ll come back, because I’m a supernatural being. *stabbity*

MATT: THIS IS NOT OKAY.

Haus of Klaus

DAMON: So, about that deal?

KLAUS: How about instead I make sure Elena lives a long life and has lots of babies, and you two bugger off?

STEFAN: How about you suck my–

KLAUS: *flaming rage* Fetch my coffin, hot stuff, or Forehead here gets roasted.

DAMON: *sigh* Fine, fine. Hey Elijah, come with me.

Caroline’s House

Caro tries again to convince her dad not to die, but his mind is made up.

CAROLINE: I can’t believe you hate me this much!

BAD DADDY: No, I don’t hate you, sweetheart, I love you. Love the sinner hate the sin, right? Besides, you turned out so fantastic, even though you’re a bloodsucking hellbeast, that I’m almost sympathetic for a second.

Caroline breaks down sobbing. Bad Daddy, while consoling her, looks over at Sheriff Forbes, who is also crying.

Klaus Haus – Guess Who’s Coming to Dessert?

Klaus and Stefan face each other, Klaus demanding to know what happened to the Rippah he married…then Klaus’s expression changes.

KLAUS: Elijah…why aren’t you off getting the coffin with Damon?

ELIJAH: You forgot dessert.

Elijah reveals a tray bearing daggers.

ELIJAH: Incidentally? I’M THE BAMF AROUND HERE, BROTHER.

OTHER TWO ORIGINAL BROTHERS: Damn skippy.

REBEKAH: *stabbity*

ELIJAH: You boys can go. This is a family matter.

Stefan and Damon wisely exit stage left. Klaus actually looks terrified.

LET THE HEARTFELT MUSICAL MONTAGE BEGIN!

Caroline’s House

Bad Daddy is now an Ex Daddy. Caroline sits next to him, crying.  It’s very sad, of course, but I’m too busy singing “Ding Dong, the Cockweasel’s Gone.”

Gilbert Haus

Elena sits vigil with Alaric, who is still dead. She asks Matt to stay with her until he’s…less dead.

ELENA: I can’t lose any more family.

MATT: *hugs her tight*

Off in the Woods

STEFAN: Okay, fine, undaggering Elijah was a good idea.

DAMON: Don’t sound so excited.

STEFAN: You also saved my ass, which puts us at what, 15 to 1 on the ass-saving scale?

DAMON: Shut up.

STEFAN: If you’d left me there you would have had Elena all to yourself.

DAMON: I guess you haven’t noticed that this entire show revolves around the epic love between me and you, not us and Elena.

Gilbert House

Elena, on the phone with Sheriff Forbes, finds out that Meredith has an airtight alibi for Alaric’s stabbing. So that’s three people stabbed by an unknown assailant who knows where all of the Gilbert weapons are kept. Maybe Elena’s got a cousin out there somewhere.

ALARIC: *gaspawake*

Cave of Wonders

The brothers Salvatore arrive to find two unconscious Witches and an empty Mystery Box.

Everyone who had money riding on who was in the coffin braces themselves.

Haus of Klaus

Rebekah smashes some things in her righteous fury.

KLAUS: This was supposed to be our house, where we could live as a family. I had no idea you’d all react badly to being daggered and stuffed in boxes–NO IDEA!

ELIJAH: We will be a family. Just without you. We’re leaving, and we’re going to kill Elena, so you can never make more hybrids and will be alone forever, because payback is a bitch whose side-part has come and gone.

KLAUS: I’m not askeered of any of you! I can’t be killed!

ELIJAH: Sure you can, as soon as we get the Mystery Box.

The Originals glare at Klaus with steely eyes, and Klaus is near tears; damn, but Joseph Morgan does the man-cry like a boss, doesn’t he?

And now it’s time for tonight’s WTF Cliffhanger:

The door opens, and Elijah stares at it in absolute shock; mouths fall open all around the room, including Klaus’s.

Esther, the Original Mom, stands there in her green Witchy dress, looking stern.

She walks up to Klaus, who can’t even look her in the face.

ESTHER: LOOK AT ME.

KLAUS: Yes Mommy.

Klaus assumes Esther is there to kill him, but despite whatever the hell she was doing on the other side with the ghosts in Mystic Falls, her intentions are apparently elsewhere.

ESTHER: I’m here to forgive you, my son. I want us to be a family again.

*title card*

The audience’s head explodes. Or maybe just mine – the sheer volume of WTFery in this show might end me yet.

About one minute from the end of tonight’s TVD I was thinking to myself, “You know, this episode is just okay. It’s kind of uneven and wonky and OMG DID THAT JUST HAPPEN” and I barked and clapped like a coked-out seal.

But first, my two gripes.

I really, really didn’t like the werewolf storyline this time through. Bringing back Bad Daddy just seemed…totally random, and a genuinely dumb idea all around. Caroline’s reactions to things seemed a bit off, too.

Second (and only other major) gripe: I’m having a damned hard time giving a crap about Stefan’s little feelers being hurt that Elena and Damon kissed. He’s basically forfeited his right to have any say in the matter.  You don’t go fake-driving someone off the bridge where her parents died and then get to be indignant that she might, just might, want to be with someone else right now.

Which of course means the minute he tells her he still loves her she’ll be back on that bipolarcoaster within two episodes, max.  In that case I’m going to feel rather unfairly manipulated, and feeling dicked around by writers makes me cranky.

I am aware of the irony.

Like I said on Twitter, I don’t really want Elena to be with Damon – I just want her to bang him like a kettledrum.   Like a Tibetan temple gong.  Like a screen door in a hurricane. LIKE RIGHT NOW.

Little Coffin in the Big Woods

Bonnie is dreaming about the Boxed Set again, but this time, in a graveyard made of the extremely fake headstones of her ancestors. Klaus appears, in order to bring a certain air of studliness to the proceedings.

KLAUS:  *is cryptic*

BONNIE:  *is munched upon*

We then get to have my worst nightmare, being buried alive – but I guess technically the coffin isn’t buried, since after Bonnie screams and struggles and mutters Witch Latin in a futile attempt to escape, the coffin lid opens, and:

BONNIE’S MOM:  *is way too freaking young, I swear to God this show makes me feel like a decrepit old senior*

Moldy Manor

Bonnie has brought Elena in on the search for the locked box opener, which means they can recap everything we know about the coffins so far.

STEFAN:  Bonnie, have I mentioned how much you suck at secret keeping?  Cuz it’s a lot.

BONNIE:  I need Elena’s help to find the woman in my dreams.  See, here’s her picture.

ELENA:  OMG, BABY BONNIE’S HAIR IS THE CUTEST THING EVER.

BONNIE:  Can we focus, please?

*TITLE CARD*

Gilbert House of Pain

The girls Scooby it up, because for some reason the Mystic Falls Sheriff’s Office is totally fine with giving a teenage girl records of every single Abby Bennett it can come up with.  Man, if Internal Affairs ever gets its eye on Sheriff Forbes, she is so screwed.

BONNIE:  Thank you for helping me with this, even though things have been weird with us lately.

ELENA:  Things have been weird with us since season 1.  You know, you could just stay out of it and let Stefan deal with the whole situation.

BONNIE:  There are spells involved.  Therefore I MUST intervene.  After this I’m going on a cross-country tour of covens to stick my nose into all their drama.

ELENA:  That’s a lot of drama.

BONNIE:  Meddling is the Bennett way.  Besides, I was bound to end up meeting my mom sooner or later.

DAMON: That’s my cue.

Damon has used his eyebrows compulsion to get the file they actually need, saving us a lot of time.

BUFFY:  Dammit, why couldn’t our vampires have had compulsion powers?  Think of all the time we would have saved!

WILLOW:  But then you wouldn’t have needed us Scoobies.

BUFFY:  …right.

BONNIE:  Yep, this is her.

DAMON:  Yay, road trip!  I’ve already got beef jerky and Corn Nuts and my Best of Journey CD ready to go–

ELENA:  You’re not coming.  Bonnie needs to meet her mom without you making eyebrows at her.

DAMON:  *puppy face, now with personal space violation*

BONNIE:  What’s with you two?

DAMON: (actual dialogue)  We kissed.  Now it’s weird.  Have a great trip!

BONNIE’S EXPRESSION:  *is priceless*

Caroline’s House of WTF is This Bullshit Subplot?

Caroline comes home to find Tyler in her living room.

CAROLINE:  Get your wolf ass out of my house.

TYLER:  I realized I have no control, even though I thought I did, so I did something made of pure genius.  I present to you:  BAD DADDY.

BAD DADDY:  *blathers something about Tyler making a mistake and wanting to make good and oh, how he understands that, whatever, you asshole*

Caroline GOES ALONG WITH IT.  The entire audience throws things at her.

Get Yer Flirt on at Mystic Grill

Alaric and Meredith are finishing up a nice, fairly normal lunch, so Damon drops by to sow the seeds of discord.

DAMON:  Face it, Ric…a girl that hot, that smart…she’s got to have a kill room and a clown suit stashed away.

ALARIC:  Her ex, the ME, called her a psycho.

DAMON:  Maybe that’s why she staked him.

ALARIC:  I’m never gonna get laid again.

Salvatore Den of Antiquities

Stefan arrives to loud music and Klaus on his couch.  It’s hard to say which annoys him more.

They engage in another round of dick-waving.

STEFAN:  Don’t fuck with me, or I’ll take your Boxed Set and sell it on Ebay.

KLAUS:  So how’s that whole being a psycho thing working out?  Is anyone still talking to you?

Darth Stefan, who has suddenly morphed into Cracks in the Armor Stefan, looks pensive.

Bonnie’s Car

The girls discuss Bonnie’s mom, and what a deadbeat she is, but Bonnie would prefer to talk about something way more fun:  Elena and Damon.

BONNIE:  Was it good?

THE AUDIENCE:  YEAH, TELL US.

ELENA:  I refuse to answer on the grounds that it might have been awesome.

Stefan calls for his five-minute update, and Elena lies her ass off to him about where they’re going, as all those years of being a crazy bugger have not in any way shape or form taught Stefan how to be suspicious, especially of teenage girls who are terrible liars.

Thank God for Klaus’s Unlimited Minutes

Klaus and hybrid…Daniel, I think his name was…converse, and Klaus tells him to go ahead with the plan; we see that Daniel is parked outside a cheerful red farmhouse, which cannot possibly bode well for whomever lives inside (and I think we all know who that is).

Sure enough, Hybrid Dan knocks on the door, and Abby Bennett-Wilson answers.

Bonnie and Elena pull up outside some time later, Bonnie looking like she’s rather eat a bowl of scorpions than do this.  They head for the door, only to be met by an Attractive Young Black Man Who is Probably Doomed.

YOUNG MAN:  I’m Jamie.

BONNIE:  I’m looking for Abby.  My mom.

Elena seems to think Bonnie should Get Up on That.  Elena always nudges Bonnie toward attractive black guys; I’m beginning to think Elena must want all attractive black guys to die. 

JAMIE:  So Abby’s awesome – she took me in and raised me like her precious precious firstborn, and…wow, this must kind of suck for you to hear.

ABBY:  Hey Jamie, who’s driving that yuppie mobile outside the…oh hell.

BONNIE:  Hi Mom.

Bonnie looks like she desperately wants to be overjoyed but is way too knotted up with fear and anger to even move.

Lockwood Family Bondage Cave

Bad Daddy’s plan of action:  make turning into a wolf a painless, at-will thing for Tyler so he won’t feel grateful to Klaus for saving him from the curse.  Sounds like Bad Daddy passed his Psych 101 class at community college.  *eyeroll*

Caroline for some reason is going along with this, proving that her good sense is not, in fact, infallible; in a way that’s kind of comforting, if a really badass character can be completely dunderheaded once in a while when love overwhelms reason.  I still think she needs to kick Bad Daddy in the junk a few times.

BAD DADDY:  So the solution, obviously, is to chain him up and torture him.

CAROLINE:  That’s your solution for everything!  Man, I feel sorry for your boyfriends!

Back on the Farm

Time for some revelations!

ABBY:  I thought some muffins would cut down on the awkward.

BONNIE:  *icy death glare*

ELENA:  ….um, nice house.

ABBY:  Aw, you give bland compliments just like your mom used to do!

ELENA:  You knew my mom?

ABBY: She and I were like BFF until one day this big crazy vampire came to town trying to find the doppelganger.  I lured him away and chained his ass up in a coffin, but after that my magic blew out and for some reason I never came back to Mystic Falls even though I had a child there.

BONNIE:  If you don’t have magic you’re pretty much useless to me.  It’s not like you could know anything else about this whole situation, or have any spellbooks or objects that might be helpful, or know a guy who knows a guy – sorry.  No magic, no helpy.  Bye.

ABBY:  Wait!  Talk to me.

ELENA:  I’ll be outside in the totally not spooky barn.

STEFAN:  Hey, me too!

AUDIENCE:  *facepalm*

Mystic Falls General Hospital

Damon has decided that Meredith warrants further study, so he accosts her at work, as one does.

DAMON:  Want to hear a funny story?  Yeah, this hot chick who’s into my boo went all stabbity on her ex boyfriend and then got to sign his death certificate as an “animal attack.”  What kind of animal was it, a Stakeosaurus?

MEREDITH:  *vervains the fuck out of him*

When we return from commercial, Meredith is taking a vial of blood out of Damon’s arm; she leaves him unconscious in the hospital room and vanishes.

Bondage Cave

Tyler screamy torture psychobabble whatever Caroline doesn’t want to watch so she leaves.

BAD DADDY:  Well, if you won’t turn on your own, I’ll just take this axe and chop off one of your members.  Because I WUV MY DAUGHTER ENOUGH TO TORTURE HER UNBEARABLY and therefore torturing you is just cake.

Abby’s Love Farm

ABBY:  Muffin?

BONNIE:  Cut the crap.  Why didn’t you come home?

ABBY:  I wanted to be someone else.  I didn’t want to be a Witch anymore.  And you had your Grams, and she’s way more awesome than I ever could be, and–

BONNIE:  Yeah, about Grams…

ABBY:  *cries*

BONNIE:  *cries*

ABBY:  Now that we’re bonding, why don’t you tell me about this little coffin problem?

BONNIE:  Who said anything about–

ABBY:  MUFFIN problem.  Tell me about your favorite muffins.  I can help you, you know, if you confide in me, preferably with lots of details about locations and any Boxed Sets you might have found on Ebay.

Outside, Stefan and Elena argue over what a dick he is.  Stefan kicks a chair, summoning Jamie.  Stefan gets threatful with Jamie and compels him to run along.

ELENA:  Remember that sex we were going to have again, ever?  Well, you’re a quarter-inch closer to me never loving you up again.

JAMIE:  Maybe this load of wood buckshot will help.

Inside, Bonnie hears the shot and starts to run to help, only to be herbally roofied by Abby.

Alaric’s Loft

Alaric is lifting weights.  Damon has come over to watch.

DAMON:  You’re going to need to do some more reps if you want to date this chick.  She vervained me and bloodjacked me.

ALARIC:  Damn, but we come up with fun verbs on this show, don’t we?

The Barn

Jamie, obviously compelled, ties Elena to a post while Stefan writhes on the ground apparently unable to dig the wood out of his own body.  I guess his fingers are numb?

Abby drags unconscious Bonnie to her car, and Jamie runs over to help load her up.  This would all be very shocking if it were remotely shocking, but we kind of saw this coming the minute Hybrid Dan arrived at the farmhouse.

Bondage Cave

If someone were to open up a Chains N’Things store in Mystic Falls and sell something that could hold down a werewolf, they’d make a killing. 

BAD DADDY:  *is munched upon*

AUDIENCE:  YAY!!!

Random Highway 121

Abby pulls up to where Hybrid Dan is waiting for her.  Abby tells him that Bonnie didn’t spill the beans about where the coffins are.  Why they needed to have this conversation here instead of at the farm or on the phone is beyond me.

ABBY:  Bonnie, you have to tell me where the coffins are or Jamie’s compelled to shoot himself.

To fool Hybrid Dan into thinking they’re holding up their end of the deal, Abby passes Bonnie her phone with “warn your friends” on the screen, presumably so Bonnie can safely reveal the Boxed Set’s location and someone back in MF can move the coffins before Klaus gets there.  Bonnie, who has been involved in the deaths of far too many attractive young lads, decides to save this one.

The Barn of Ouch

Stefan is groaning and growling, and Elena has nearly got her ropes rubbed through. 

Jamie, confused and scared about what’s happening to him, tells Elena that he’s bound to shoot anyone who gets in the way, and if the plan fails he has to kill himself.  Elena, rocking those big frontal lobes, asks what Hybrid Dan said about her.

JAMIE:  I’m not supposed to hurt you.

ELENA:  Ow, these ropes are all tight and burny on my iddle wrists!

JAMIE:  Oh, well, I’ll just loosen them for you–

ELENA:  BUFFY POWERS ACTIVATE!

She seizes the gun and knocks Jamie unconscious with it as if it’s the most natural thing in the world. 

AUDIENCE:  Yay! Another Gilbert takes a level in badass!  Go Elena!

STEFAN:  I need you to dig in my chest with your bare hands.

ELENA:  Are you sure I can’t use a chainsaw?

Moldy Manor

Damon gets to the coffin room, where Klaus is waiting for him.

KLAUS:  I’m here for my Witchy migraine.

DAMON:  Well, by all means, then.

Klaus informs the dead Witches that he’ll hunt down all the Bennetts and their descendants and kill everyone, and they back off.

KLAUS:  Now then.  My coffins, if you please.

*Three coffins appear*

KLAUS:  Where’s the locked box?

DAMON:  *grin*

KLAUS:  YOU ARE SO DEAD.

DAMON:  You mean “dead sexy.”  And also, I am full of pure win this episode, so you might as well just take your three coffins and go home.

MFGH

Alaric confronts Meredith about her bizarre behavior, and we find out what she wanted with Damon’s blood:  she injects it into Bad Daddy, who was brought in dying from an animal attack.

MEREDITH:  That’s my big secret.  I cheat death.

ALARIC:  So how come this town has the highest mortality rate in the state?

The Barn

Elena continues digging bits of wood out of Stefan’s chest.  She’s so matter-of-fact about the situation that he finds himself staring at her, somewhat taken aback.

STEFAN:  You’ve changed.  You’re all Tomb Raider and stuff.

ELENA:  Well, thanks to you, I had to.  Also, I kissed your brother

STEFAN:  *wibble*

AUDIENCE:  Wow, Elena, your sense of timing is a thing of beauty.

Stefan walks away, genuinely upset, and Elena is surprised that he’s visibly upset by the news.  It would seem that Cracks in the Armor Stefan is starting to unravel a little.

I wish it was half as moving as the phone call in the season premiere, but after everything Stefan’s done to push Elena away, I still just can’t find it in my shriveled heart to feel sorry for him.  That’s not to say I don’t think his reaction is appropriate – or that his confrontation with Damon here in a minute was off base – it’s just that I don’t feel sorry for him anymore. 

I don’t want to feel sorry for him.  Mopey Self-Loathing Stefan is as boring as season 1 Elena.  But if they’re planning to get these two back together, as I’m certain they are, they really need to tread carefully with all of this.  If anyone can handle it, TVD can, but still, I worry.  This would be very, very easy to do badly.

To Elena’s credit, she doesn’t apologize. 

STEFAN:  I guess kidnapping you and that whole bridge thing was a bad idea.

ELENA:  No shit.

STEFAN:  You’re better than Damon.  Better than both of us.

AUDIENCE:  *eyeroll*

Highway Whatever

ABBY:  I lost my magic because I left you.  Maybe if you help me get it back I can help you.

BONNIE:  I thought you didn’t want it?

ABBY:  I’d do it for you.

BONNIE:  Hey, guilt is kind of awesome.

 Hospital

Tyler visits Bad Daddy and apologizes for basically killing him.  Bad Daddy informs him that this is only the beginning, and that they have a lot of work to do before Bad Daddy lets Tyler near his beloved, beloved daughter, who he obviously adores and would never, ever allow to be hurt.

*gag*

 Gilbert House

Alaric brings Meredith home to show her his stake collection.  Sadly this is not a euphemism.

He also reveals the secret of the Gilbert ring, because lack of sex makes men do ill-advised things.

Just when things start to get sexy, Elena gets home.

ALARIC:  *is adorably flustered*

ELENA:  Ric, you live here too.  And you deserve some nookie.  Aunt Jenna’s gone, and it’s okay if you move on.

ALARIC:  I will not comment on any parallels in your storyline.

ELENA:  Thanks.

 Den of Antiquities, MOMENT OF IMPENDING AWESOME

Stefan, with his crazy eyes securely in place, asks Damon if he got the coffins out; Damon admits he only saved the locked box.

DAMON:  Bonnie’s mom isn’t going to be any help.

STEFAN:  Now my day is complete.

DAMON:  How’s Elena?

STEFAN:  *BROTHERSMACK*

DAMON:  Ah, I see.   Well, I guess I had that coming.  But I think I have something that will cheer you up a little.

STEFAN:  *icy death glare*

 Damon, in his best naughty little vampire fashion, holds up a dagger.

Haus of Klaus

HYBRID DAN:  Bet you’re glad to have most of your family back.  Are you going to let them out now?

KLAUS:  Not yet.

HYBRID DAN:  Yeah, but–*gurgle*

Hybrid Dan falls dead to the floor, and behind him, holding his heart and looking righteously pissed off, is

ELIJAH:  My side-part has had it with this bullshit.

AUDIENCE:  SQUEEEEEEEEEEEESPLODE AGAIN!

KLAUS:  Oh, bollocks.

To reiterate something I said on Twitter: I absolutely hate it when people refer to TVD, or anything else, as a “guilty pleasure.” If your pleasures aren’t hurting anyone, they should never be guilty.

Although one could argue that our pleasure is slowly depopulating the imaginary town of Mystic Falls.

This week’s episode had its insanely awesome moments and moments that left me scratching my head, but one thing it had in spades was emotional intensity. There’s never an ep of TVD that doesn’t break some part of my heart, but some focus more on the action than the emotion, and that’s totally fine. This one was more heart than head, and boy, did it hurt.

Den of Antiquities Shower of Smugness

We open to Damon smiling in the shower. Oh Lord. That puppy is so gonna get kicked.

Speaking of kicking:

Slayer Training Camp Alaric’s Loft

Giles Alaric walks in to see Elena beating the hell out of a punching bag. She seems to be, um, working something out, and Alaric asks if she wants to talk about it.

We cut between Elena trying to beat her feelings and Damon strutting around in a towel. I approve of both of these situations.

Stefan is waiting impatiently for Damon to get dressed for their grand day out of brotherly bonding antiquing hybrid-baiting.

DAMON: *oozes “I kissed your girlfriend” smugness*

ELENA: *BAM! POW! BIFF! DENY! DENY!*

Alaric brings up the unfortunate matter of his most recent demise, and Elena reminds us that the Gilbert Magic Rings don’t seem to be as robust as they used to, another reason she wants Jeremy out of town.

ALARIC: I guess Damon’s compulsion worked–

ELENA: DAMON WHO? I DON’T KNOW ANY DAMON AND I CERTAINLY DIDN’T USE TONGUE.

ALARIC: Um…I’m just gonna give you an eyebrow on that one. Anyway, Jeremy was packing to leave.

ELENA: I love coffee. Don’t you love coffee?

Moldy Witch Manor

Bonnie attempts a spell to open the Sooper Seekrit Coffin, but no dice. She gets good and frustrated, though – Bonnie has her moody on in this episode, I noticed.

Suddenly the Whispering Witches make the coffins disappear, tipping Bonnie off that something is awry; she wisely remembers she’s a human and the enemy is well nigh invincible if you lack heartsnatching powers, and hides.

Nah, I’m just kidding. She totally walks around the house asking “Who’s there?” until she runs facefirst into Damon, who shushes her.

Outside, a wandering red-shirted hybrid has found the house. He makes fang-face at Stefan, who just looks at him calmly.

DAMON: That’s a from-the-rear heartsnatch for you!

STEFAN: That sounded…

DAMON: Yeah, I know. Kinda dirty. Somebody’s got to start up the BroYay.

*TITLE CARD*

Mystic Falls High School

Elena is taping feathers and other festive festoonery to Caroline’s locker door. Is that something the kids do nowadays? We never did that in my day. Of course, our lockers were at the bottom of a hill, and it was snowing both ways, and we had to walk barefoot and use phones with cords and shit.

BONNIE: Sorry I’m late, I was…*half-truth*

ELENA: Me, too. I had to go…*half-truth*

These half-truths, incidentally, are in no way going to come back to bite either of the ladies on the ass. How do I know that? I WATCH THIS SHOW.

ELENA: Incidentally, Jeremy’s leaving town. I had him mind-wiped.

BONNIE: Wow, I absolutely have to fuck this up somehow. It’s a moral imperative.

Back at the Moldy Mansion…

Damon pounds on the Locked Coffin with a shovel. Stefan points out the futility of same.

DAMON: Okay, time for some coffin math. One dead kid plus one dead kid, Klaus has Rebekah, Elijah, plus two more, carry the one…

STEFAN: Dude, all you had to do is watch Twitter – they did the math half a season ago.

DAMON: Well, now it’s canon.

STEFAN: Math or no math, we need to get the hybrids out of town. That’s going to be my prime directive for this episode, and no amount of reason or logic or eyebrows will sway me from my course.

DAMON: Your flair for the dramatic is going to backfire and get us all killed, genius.

STEFAN: So?

DAMON: *has no real way to argue with self-induced delusional sociopathy*

MFHS

Bonnie manages, just barely, to restrain herself from fucking everything up.

Meanwhile Caroline (finally!) drives up to the school, looking washed out and tired, and not at all in a birthday mood.

I really feel for her here – well, I always feel for her, but Caroline has finally grasped what immortality really means – it’s not all being eternally sexy, it’s being stuck in the same body forever, being carded when you’re 700 years old, and not getting to do most of the things normal people get to do. Elena had a glimpse of that pain during the Hike of Doom last season, but she dodged that fate (for now at least) and Caroline is left facing hundreds of years as a fixed point in time. I don’t really blame her for not feeling the birthday love.

It gets even worse when she sees Tyler waiting for her.

CAROLINE: Fuck off, Klaus-for-brains.

TYLER: Wait…I have to tell you that I get it – why you can’t be with me. I don’t want to pick Klaus over you, but I don’t have any choice, and that’s really not cool, but I can’t fix it. So…happy birthday, here’s a charm bracelet.

Tyler seems to have realized the truth in his own words; he and Caroline both get tears in their eyes, and it’s both painful and gratifying – gratifying because after watching Tyler un-douchify all last season, seeing him turn into Klaus’s butt monkey has been awful, and I’m really grateful that he’s trying, as much as he can, to make sense of things.

Haus of Klaus

Yeah, I’m still trying to come up with a good name for this place. It’ll be around for at least another few episodes, so give me time.

Klaus wishes his daggered sister sweet dreams, and asks one of his hybrids to “show her to her room.” I can’t decide the level of creepy here – Klaus already had a room picked out for everyone, I bet, and I have to wonder how far gone he is with the delusion that when he undaggers everyone else they’ll be happy to see him and everyone will just forgive and forget. But that’s the thing about Klaus: you really have no idea just how batshit he is underneath the suave-motherfucker-façade.

Case in point: He sounds weary and heavy-hearted as he calls Stefan out.

KLAUS: You really, really should have left town.

STEFAN: I live here.

Klaus rightfully points out he was here first. Stefan, reminding me very much of Angelus in this scene (must be the hair altitude) informs Klaus that he wants the hybrids out of town or he’ll remove them himself.

They wave their dicks at each other, but Klaus’s heart doesn’t seem in the banter; he is genuinely saddened that Stefan has turned on him. Stefan promptly offers to dump Elijah in the Arctic.

KLAUS: Fine, I’ll kill your brother too.

STEFAN: Go ahead! He totally stole my hair products.

KLAUS: Now…okay, twice you’ve given up everything to save your brother, and I’m supposed to just believe that now out of nowhere you don’t care? Crazy, not stupid, Stef darling.

STEFAN: *HYBRID DECAPITATION ACTIVATE!*

KLAUS: …well, fuck me running.

This episode of TVD is brought to you by the new Underworld movie.

ANNOUNCER: We’ve replaced any fresh ideas in this script with lines from the first two identical movies. Let’s see if anyone notices.

AUDIENCE: Kate Beckinsale. Leather pants. Your argument is invalid.

Caroline’s House

Caroline arrives home, and with her super enhanced vampire senses knows someone is in the house. She attacks blindly, ripping out Elena’s throat and ending the show.

Just kidding. Caroline has no clue that Elena, Matt, and Bonnie are there to surprise her.

ELENA: You will wear this tiara, birthday girl, and you will LIKE IT.

CAROLINE: Um…not so much, guys. I’m kind of shitting my mental gasket over the fact that I’m stuck at age 17 forever – I don’t really get any more real birthdays. I’ll work it out, but today I’m not in a party place.

ELENA: I have another idea, which will certainly end well.

Haus of Klaus

Still oddly subdued, Klaus calls in Tyler for a little errand.

KLAUS: Go bite your girlfriend.

TYLER: What in the who now?

KLAUS: Stefan pissed me off, and I need you to retaliate on my behalf.

TYLER: I’m not gonna bite Caroline! It’ll kill her! I CAN HAS FREE WILL.

KLAUS: …sure you can, sweetheart. You’re a big strong manly man of much free will and fierceness. You’re absolutely right, I’ll figure something else out. You can go.

TYLER: *clearly does not smell a trap*

Some Dumbass Founders’ Function

ALARIC: What’s with all the damned events in this town, anyway? Smart people living in a place like this would never go out at night, much less to a town event.

DAMON: You should have been around in 1862. There was the monthly Witch burning, the Unmentionable Antebellum Subject Matter auction gala, the Flashback Wig Festival, Musket-o-Rama, the annual Chamber Pot Toss…

ALARIC: Speaking of which, what’s wrong with your brother? Is his human switch on or off?

DAMON: It’s on a dimmer switch. Or possibly one of those timers that makes burglars think someone’s home when they’re not.

The Fell Family Crypt and Bouncy Castle For All Your Birthday Needs

Oh yeah. This is gonna go great.

Elena, Bonnie, and Matt arrive at the Fell crypt, the new location of Caroline’s birthday…funeral.

ELENA: You need to say goodbye to your old self so you can move on…so here lies Caroline, who was considerably less awesome as a live human, but we won’t mention that.

Everyone takes turns describing Caroline, which is a really sweet moment – we haven’t gotten much in the way of friendship this season, and it’s been sorely missed. Not to mention Elena’s idea is actually really cool – the Pagan in me loves ritual, and a rite of passage like this is the sort of thing that people really do need in order to help them move forward.

Bonnie shazams the candles, and Caroline makes a wish.

Founder’s Bridge Club

Aw, man…it’s a fundraiser to renovate the bridge that Elena’s parents died on. Awesome. I’m kind of surprised the renovation doesn’t include some sort of plaque to that effect, given how fond MF is of its memorials and its Founding Family mania, but nobody mentions the bridge’s history except Damon, who tells Alaric.

ALARIC: Speaking of Elena, have you noticed she’s a little…

DAMON: Gottagorefillmydrinknowbye.

ALARIC: You guys really think I’m stupid, don’t you.

MEREDITH: Well, look who’s walking and talking.

ALARIC: I am playing it cagey lest I accidentally fill your lovely naïve head with my supernatural woes.

MEREDITH: Oh, for fuck’s sake, dude. Vampires vampires vampires. Did you miss how my last name is Fell?

ALARIC: Oh, shit, you’re right. I keep forgetting they changed everybody’s names from the book – but not mine, did you notice? Boy, you’ve got pretty eyes.

MEREDITH: Speaking of pretty eyes, where’s your friend? I will not, at this time, reveal whether or not I know a vampire when I see one. I don’t seem bothered by the fact that this random British guy has offered to match all the donations tonight.

ALARIC: British…oh, bollocks.

We move around the fundraiser to where Klaus is chatting up Carol Lockwood. Damon sees this and saunters over with barely-contained disbelief riding shotgun.

DAMON: You do realize this is the rat fucker who turned your son into a hybrid, right?

CAROL: He saved Tyler from a Very Nasty Curse known as Free Will.

KLAUS: Basically, I’m going to take a page from your book, Damon, and infiltrate the Council – but with far more panache. I’m slowly convincing everyone that Stefan is the problem here, and that if he’d just give me back my family, I would lovingly protect everyone in Mystic Falls from…well, me.

DAMON: You have got. To be. Kidding me.

CAROL: Get Stefan under control or the Council will…throw an ice cream social or some shit like that.

DAMON: Okay, I gotta admit, you are one magnificent bastard.

The Fell Crypt of Unexpected Bitchery

Caroline tries to sneak-text Tyler, and Elena calls her on it, which for some reason gives Bonnie the all-clear to ruin the mood completely by snapping at Elena for having Jeremy compelled.

ELENA: Wow. This couldn’t wait until tomorrow, when we aren’t trying desperately to cheer up our friend?

BONNIE: Of course not. My high horse waits for no appropriate social occasion.

Back at the Fundraiser…

Sheriff Forbes is back! She and Damon walk outside, talking about the Klaus situation.

SHERIFF: I, too, am placing the burden of stopping all this death and violence on your ability to control your crazy-pants brother.

Meanwhile, nearby, Meredith is arguing with her ex, a medical examiner who specializes in douchebaggery.

Alaric steps in, only to have the ex inform him that Meredith is a “psycho case.”

ALARIC: Dude…you do not want to get your hipster haircut involved in my scruffy business.

MEREDITH: Can I get involved in your scruffy business?

ALARIC: Oh, HELLS YEAH.

Nearby, Stefan waltzes in and picks up a chef’s knife that someone just left lying around the party on a table…like you do.

He proceeds to get all stabbity on one of the hybrids, and goes in for the headchop, only to be chop-blocked by Damon.

DAMON: THIS IS WHY WE CAN’T HAVE NICE THINGS.

STEFAN: I’m calling Klaus’s bluff.

DAMON: If you kill his hybrids he’ll just use Elena to make more – I shouldn’t have said that, should I.

STEFAN: I am consumed with switch-offy rage.

DAMON: I am so sick of your switch, Stefan. Is it on? Is it off? How about “you’re a crazy motherfucker and have nobody to blame at this point but yourself?”

STEFAN: BRB. Gotta go do something incredibly awful.

 Fell Crypt of Fun Fun Fun

Just when things couldn’t get any more awkward, Tyler arrives and asks to speak to Caroline outside.

Once they leave, Matt and Elena start talking about how he wants his friends to be happy, but they’re all stuck in CrazyVille. Elena admits she had no business having Jeremy compelled, but she just can’t stand to lose anyone else she loves.

MATT: So…why don’t you have me, and everybody else, compelled to leave too?

ELENA: Here, drink some more tequila.

Outside the crypt, Tyler tells Caroline enthusiastically that he has his free will, and that Klaus can’t force him to do bad things. Caroline is, understandably, unconvinced.

TYLER: I love you.

CAROLINE: Oh, hell, why did you have to go and say that, you know that means something awful is about to -

TYLER: *bites her*

CAROLINE: Yeah, like that.

Tyler looks utterly horrified that he just totally obeyed Klaus’s orders without even meaning to, and Caroline stumbles backward into a tree, yelling at him to get away from her.

Matt and Elena go looking for Caroline, but unfortunately, that’s not the vampire they find.

STEFAN: Hi there, Elena. According to your contract you are obligated to be kidnapped at least twice per season, so…let’s go.

Stefan’s Stupid Little Car

I’m sorry, I know a lot of people think the car is sexy or whatever, but I have always hated that thing. I don’t know why. It’s just pretentious and ridiculous and it sounds like a hair dryer on wheels.

Elena tries to get Stefan to listen to her, but of course he won’t; when her phone rings, Stefan answers and tells Damon he’s playing his next card – Klaus won’t like it if he can’t make any more hybrids. Before Damon can say anything, Stefan hangs up and tosses the phone.

ELENA: LET ME OUT OF THIS CAR.

STEFAN: *totally ignores her*

Back at the Fundraiser…

Damon pulls Klaus aside to tell him what Stefan’s up to; Klaus thinks it’s a bit funny, and that Stefan is obviously bluffing.

KLAUS: Love like that doesn’t go away, mate. There’s no way he’ll hurt her.

Hmm. Doth Klaus perhaps protest too much? Perhaps because he’s schlepping around his first love, the Original Petrova in a Box? Just a thought.

DAMON: Look, dickweasel. I know my brother better than anyone and I have no idea if he’ll really kill her or not, so I’mma get all up in your face and tell you to BACK DOWN.

Caroline’s House

Matt carries a hallucinating Caroline inside and tells the Sheriff what happened. They put Caroline in bed.

CAROLINE: I’m sorry, Mommy.

MY HEART: *breaks a thousand breaks*

The Dickmobile

Stefan decides the best way to convince Klaus he’s serious would be to turn Elena into a vampire. He gives Klaus a call and informs him of his intentions.

STEFAN: I’m going to drive Elena off the same bridge where her parents died, because I want to put as many nails in the coffin of our relationship as I can.

The look on Elena’s face is such a blend of shock, horror, and fear – the idea that Stefan might actually do it, after everything they’ve been through, is devastating…but not as much as Stefan force-feeding her his blood.

Klaus, over at the fundraiser, listens to the car and Elena’s struggles as Stefan speeds toward the bridge, the two immortals playing chicken with Elena’s life in the balance.

Klaus caves.

Stefan stops the car.

Elena stumbles out, sobbing, and she and Stefan have it out – she can’t believe he would even think about doing this to her after he was the one who saved her from her parents’ fate.

Stefan makes it sound like he might have been bluffing, but Elena doesn’t believe him.

ELENA: All you care about is destroying Klaus?

STEFAN: Where the hell have you been this season, Elena?

Elena theorizes that he’s trying to make her hate him, which is probably true, given the ragged tone of Stefan’s voice when he insists she lost him a long time ago; he tells her he doesn’t care what she thinks anymore, and drives away, leaving her on the bridge.

Caroline’s House

Matt goes to the door to find Klaus waiting.

KLAUS: Tyler tells me something naughty happened to Caroline.

MATT: Because you made him do it, you bastard.

KLAUS: This is my sincere face, Matt. Invite me in.

SHERIFF FORBES: What’s in it for you?

KLAUS: Your support. Your daughter’s going to die without my blood, so it’s up to you.

SHERIFF: Come in.

Klaus stands over Caroline’s bed, and she wakes up, eyes widening in fear.

CAROLINE: Are you going to kill me?

KLAUS: On your birthday?

THE BEST SCENE OF THE WHOLE EPISODE: *happens*

Klaus gets extremely up close and personal, telling her it’s nothing personal and that, in fact, he loves birthdays.

CAROLINE: I…um…hate you and stuff. And I’m dying, so fuck off.

Klaus tells Caroline that he could let her die, and that he’s thought about it himself a few times, but that if she lives, she can experience the whole world, and beauty and art and stuff outside of Mystic Falls, and the whole world will be hers, and it’s so insanely sexy that I’m practically shoving my wrist through the TV and I’m not even a dying vampire.

THE ENTIRE FANDOM: Tyler who again?

KLAUS: *feeds her his blood* Happy birthday, Caroline.

Gilbert Front Porch

See, now, this is the only scene in the whole episode that I genuinely didn’t like, but not because of the scene itself; I really, really think it was a mistake to jump forward here – by this point both Elena and Damon are WAY too calm about what happened, and it takes some of the air out of the scene on the bridge

It also makes Damon’s behavior seem out of character; no way in hell would he just rationalize what Stefan did in terms of Klaus’s reactions. But if we’d seen him drive up to her on the bridge, seen her emotions and his reaction, I think it would have worked way better. Not every significant moment needs to happen on the porch, you guys.

Damon says that Stefan “won this round” for them, and that up until now Klaus had been calling all the shots, but he backed down, proving Stefan was at least partly right about Klaus being vulnerable.

ELENA: You can’t kiss me again.

DAMON: Did I say anything about kissing?

ELENA: I know you were thinking it! I could see it in your eyebrows!

DAMON: One day, Elena, the timing will be right for us, and my eyebrows will rejoice. But for now, parting is such sweet sorrow, and so forth.

She goes to the door and he walks away, but she takes her time closing the door, watching him leave.

The Porch, the Next Day

Elena hugs Jeremy and tells him to be safe. As he starts to walk off, Bonnie comes running up.

JEREMY: What are you doing here?

BONNIE: I’m here to…say goodbye, as you can tell by the music.

They hug. Then Jeremy and Elena exchange one last smile.

Caroline’s House

Caroline wakes up to find not only is she alive, but Klaus left her a black velvet box containing one hell of a diamond necklace.

Klaus has really cool handwriting, by the way.

He’s also an evil genius – I have no idea how sincere he was with Caroline, or whether their chemistry was just another of his tricks, but assuming it’s part of the plan, he had Tyler bite Caroline fully intending to go heal her so he could get on her good side – and the Sheriff’s – against Stefan.

Damn he’s good.

Wickery Bridge

Matt walks out to where Elena’s standing. They talk about how Elena is still holding on to the girl that was supposed to die there.

MATT: It’s okay to let her go, Elena.

Elena tearfully says that she feels like she’s let that girl, and her parents, down, but Matt, who knew that girl, smiles and tells her she’s really doing all right, and that it’s okay.

MATT: *holds up flowers* Here lies Elena Gilbert…who, if she had any brains at all, would ditch the damn vampires and get back with me, but I’m cool with it.

He drops the flowers in.

POOH: Now we run to the other side to watch them come out!

ELENA: What the hell is that bear doing here?

Mystic Grill

Turns out Meredith’s a day drinker too! It’s a match made in heaven! Man, Damon’s gonna be so jealous.

The Woods

Sheriff Forbes leads Damon to a dead body – but this time it’s not a hybrid, it’s Brian the Dickfaced Medical Examiner. Ex-Brian has been staked with what looks like half a tree.

DAMON: Wait, he wasn’t a vampire, was he?

SHERIFF: Nope. We’ve got a certifiably dead human on our hands.

*TITLE CARD*

THE AUDIENCE: Well, fuck me running.