Sometimes I think if I hear Stefan say “let her make her own choices” one more time about Elena I will crawl through the television and kick him in his little special place.

Not that I don’t think Elena should make her own choices; it just seems like the only ones he makes sure to stand back and “let” her make are the ones that let her live out her martyr complex.  I don’t think it’s something he’s doing consciously, but come on, both brothers treat her like a child to some degree.  Stefan enables her death wish and Damon disregards her free will completely.  Neither guy gets off free here.  I’m just saying that Stefan is not some kind of perfect romantic hero.  He’s a guy in love with a girl whose life is so screwed up she’s willing to drown to karmically balance her guilt over surviving her parents’ deaths.  Even if you’re not a vampire that’s never going to be a healthy relationship.

I really hope that the way this ep ends will help Elena stop hanging everything on herself; it’s one thing to feel guilty for her parents’ accident – that’s totally natural – but for her it’s become a self-obsession where every bad thing in the universe revolves around her.  I think she’s died for each person she knows by now, so really, let’s call it even and move on, babe.

SPOILERS BELOW

Let’s hope that the Elena we meet in Season 4 will turn out to be a Caroline vampire.    I want to see her really owning it, the way Caroline has – she’s had trouble getting used to immortality, but overall she’s just decided “This is my life now, and I’m gonna rock it.”  And she does.  May she live forever.

Anyway, season finale time, and lemmetellya, it was brutal.  The first half was kinda meh, but once the plot threads started a-tangling and everything rushed toward the end, it was nearly impossible to breathe.

SO MUCH GOOD ACTING.  My tiny Grinch heart grew three sizes over and over.  There were several places that I genuinely wanted to bawl, just because I could feel what the character was feeling so intensely – and that’s not something a crap actor can pull off.  So, Slow Clap #1 for the cast.

Second Slow Clap is for the writers and showrunners, who decided to Go THERE this season.  It wasn’t that it was a surprise – it was the only logical result of all the plotlines that made any kind of sense – but it was still amazing to see them just run at it balls out.  Bravo.

I have to say that overall Season 3 seemed wildly uneven.  I feel like it went kind of off the rails when Esther and all the big stupid magic became the deus ex machina for every damn problem.  To me, as a writer, it felt like they wrote themselves into a corner with the Originals and couldn’t decide on a way to get from there to where they wanted the season to end.  Before that, I loved where we were going, and after Esther finally died (Oh God ,please tell me she’s really gone this time.) the show picked right back up and made sense again, thank God.  My deepest hope, aside from the goddamn shippers leaving Julie Plec alone, is that all that vague magic crap is gone now and we can go back to Bonnie doing things that have actual consequences and rules.

Although if Faye from The Secret Circle were to show up and lock Bonnie in the werewolf cave, then Faye could be the first fun witch in Mystic Falls, and I would offer Kevin and/or Julie the use of my uterus if either of them needs to incubate a fetus.

That said, I am so madly in love with how the next season is shaping up.  They set things up beautifully, especially with Elena’s future, that I’m really excited about the possibilities.  We’d gotten to a point where the love triangle was the least interesting thing about the show, and since apparently that’s supposed to be the thing we care about, they needed to shake it up somehow.  And I don’t mean Elena choosing Stefan because I ask you again, who but the most deluded out there really, honestly believed that she was going to pick Damon right now, at this point in the story?  I promise you, whomever she chose right now is going to lose her somewhere along the way – if this show goes on a few more years, Elena will probably shift loyalty several times, because if the story is centered on the triangle, THE STORY ENDS WHEN THE TRIANGLE ENDS.  If there’s no more that can go wrong, then there’s no need for the show to go on.

But now that Elena’s (hopefully) going to fang out (there’s still a chance they could Etch-a-Sketch it with some ridiculous spell or something), that changes everything.  She’s gonna be running around Mystic Falls with her personality on overdrive, which I guess means the entire town will now revolve around her unicorn lady parts, not just all the characters we know. There are so many questions left to answer!  So many directions they could take it!  I can’t wait!

Unfortunately we have to, until Fall.

Oh, and before I start:  if anyone starts spouting shipper bile (meaning abuse toward an actual human or generally hateful speech – not just an opinion) in the comments I will turn the comments off.  I’ve never had anyone do that on one of these recaps, which I really appreciate about my commenters, but given the amount of bullshit being hurled at the showrunners and friends of mine who run fansites (that take up a huge amount of their time and energy for which they are not paid), you never know who might be lurking about.  My sandbox, my rules.

On to the actual recap:

Gilbert House (Pre-Pain)

Elena wakes up smiling and chipper and dancing around to P!nk, and it’s cute but  immediately suspicious because I don’t think Elena knows what music is unless she’s at some kind of function that ends in tragedy.  When she puts on her cheerleader outfit and bounces downstairs to find Jenna in the kitchen, the flashbackiness is kind of a guarantee.

ELENA:  Jeremy said he’s “oiling his baseball glove” again.  Like we don’t know what he’s doing?

JENNA:  Don’t look at me, girl. I’m not the first in a line of pretty inept guardians for you guys just yet.  Ask your mom.

Elena’s mom shows up in the extremely brightly lit flashback, and they hug, and it’s all domestic and…

MFGH

Elena wakes up in the hospital, hooked up to way too few monitors for someone with a head injury, but hey, who’s counting?

[TITLE CARD]

Still at the hospital, Meredith tries to reassure Jeremy that Elena’s bloody nose and unconsciousness after a serious blow to the head ain’t no thang.  This is the point where I start to think, “Are they going where I think they’re going with this?  Because if she gave Elena vamp blood to save her life and they don’t tell us from the outset, they must be saving that reveal for something important later. But on the other hand it might be a total misdirect.”

Still, I’m all , ”Concussion my ass.”

On the Vampire Express

Stefan and Damon, who are still on their way to the ocean to dump the Original Raisinette, are a bit on the irritated side that Jeremy called 911 instead of one of the many convenient vampires in town who could have healed her.

I still want to know how long Elena was lying there on the floor before Jeremy found her.  I guess it couldn’t have been long since this all happens on the same night (Jesus, the timeline on this show!  I think the entire season has happened over maybe a month.).  At any rate, given how many unwise decisions the Salvatores have made in order to save each other, they ought to cut Jer some slack.

MFGH

Meredith returns to her office.

EVILARIC:  Hey, toots.

MEREDITH:  Crap.

EVILARIC:  I’m taking over the town – I got the Sheriff and the Mayor kicked out, and now I’m having the Council call the medical board on you.

MEREDITH:  Oh really? What are they going to say?  The medical board is a state agency, not a local one, so it’s not like you can tell them I’m dishing out vampire blood, especially since you just poured out my stash and now have zero proof.

EVILARIC:  I’m really menacing, though.  You should cringe.

MEREDITH:  Okay.  *cringes*

EVILARIC:  Also I’m taking Elena because I’m her guardian.

MEREDITH: She’s 18.  You don’t guard shit.

EVILARIC:  CRINGE, WOMAN!

Alaric charges out of her office to go kidnap Elena, but ha! She’s not there.

Gilbert House

Caroline, Tyler, and Matt help Elena into the house and park her on the couch – damn, they’re fast!  Did Jeremy call them?  No, Alaric arrived and menaced Meredith right after she finished talking with Jer, so the others must have been hiding in wait for Dr. Fell to leave and then whisked Elena away.  Excellent timing, guys.

Caroline fusses over Elena, which takes Elena back to sophomore year again…

Flashbackings

…when Elena was bitching about Caroline to Bonnie and Matt.  We discover that before their lives went to hell, they were all kind of snotty, which, being cheerleaders and football stars, is what I would have expected.

MATT:  Sneak out of family night and come to the bonfire.  I love you with all my heart and soul!

ELENA: *runs screaming*

BONNIE:  You know, you can’t STRING HIM ALONG, you have to MAKE A CHOICE.

ANVIL:  *drops*

Gilbert House, Present Day

Elena wakes up to find Matt watching her sleep.

ELENA:  Okay, if anyone’s going to creep me out like that, it should be a vampire, don’t you think?

MATT: Let’s talk about how you MUST MAKE A CHOICE, preferably tonight since you don’t have anything else to worry about.

ELENA:  Interesting segue, but okay.  I think I’ll pick–

Stefan bursts in the door and they hug.

ANVIL #2:  *drops*

Elena decides she’s tired of sleeping and wanders off with her blankets, leaving Matt and Stefan to discuss her like she’s a puppy they’re housetraining, because, you know, she’s got free will.

Before I can barf, however, who should show up but…

ELIJAH: My timing is a thing of beauty, just like my haircut.

Mystic Grill

Rather than cook actual food in the kitchen, Jeremy has gone to pick up food from the Grill.  Given how things have gone lately the Gilbert kitchen probably just has beer and a half-eaten Triscuit in the pantry.

EVILARIC:  *is rather scuzzy*

JEREMY:  Crap.

EVILARIC:  I need you to find out where they’ve stashed Klaus’s body so I can rid the world of vampires.  Remember how you said you wanted one day without a vampire?  I can give you all the days!  Then you can dessicate me and Elena can live out her natural life!

JEREMY:  As nice as that sounds, I remain skeptical, because you’re kind of a dick right now.  But sure, I’ll call you.  We’ll have a nice man-talk.

Gilbert House

So…Elijah wants to make a deal.  It’s not like the Originals have ever been untrustworthy or completely changed their minds mid-plan, so clearly this is a great idea.

ELENA:  We can absolutely trust Elijah.  Let’s give him Klaus’s body!  They can dress him up in evening gowns and hang him on the front door like a Christmas wreath!

ELIJAH:  Don’t worry, we’ll keep him daggered while you live out your natural life.

ANVIL #3:  *drops*

On speakerphone, Damon expresses a little dismay over Elena’s decision to get on board with Elijah again, but despite the fact that they all stand to die horribly, it’s Elena’s decision.

Lockwood Manor

Tyler and Caroline arrive, summoned by their frantic moms.

CAROL:  You have to leave town NOW.  Here’s some money and a fake mustache.

CAROLINE:  Wait, what?

LIZ:  Alaric outed us and now the Council’s going to kill you.

TYLER:  The Council?  That roomful of yuppies who couldn’t even tell there were vampires here even with the overflowing cemetery? What are they going to do, stab us with cocktail picks?

LIZ:  They’re way less useless with Alaric in charge.

Gilbert Porch of Great Destiny

Jeremy has told Matt what Alaric told him, and now the two are discussing what to do about it, out of vampire earshot.  Hasn’t anyone told them that vampire senses suck unless the camera zooms in on their ears? They could be shouting at each other in Klingon and doing interpretive dance and nobody would notice.

JEREMY:  We should grab Elena and get out of here.

MATT:  Hmmm.

Jeremy on the Phone with Alaric

JEREMY:  They’re taking the body to Isengard!

EVILARIC:  Bitchin’.  You’re a credit to your race, Jeremy.  Human power!

JEREMY:  Dude, you’re not human.  Shut the hell up.

As he hangs up we see that Jeremy is in the kitchen surrounded by the others – it’s all a plot!  Jeremy hasn’t completely sold out his peeps!

Lockwood Manor

Caroline paces and Tyler watches her pace as they debate whether to go on the run or not.  Tyler is 100% pro, Caroline about 60%, depending on the fate of her friends.

CAROLINE:  I’ll totally run away with you, but first we have to help the others.

TYLER:  So…how do we do that?

CAROLINE:  Mostly by crying, it turns out.  You go pack up our stuff and meet me at the werewolf dungeon in two hours.

TYLER:  I get to go through your panty drawer!

CAROLINE:  NO, just bring me a curling iron.

TYLER:  *sadface*

Random U-Stor-It Facility Somewhere Between 100 Miles from Town and the Ocean

I’m having a little trouble with the distances here.  According to a later conversation Damon is 100 miles away, too far to drive in an hour, yet Bonnie, Bex, and Alaric all make it there without any problem or much time seeming to pass.  Bonnie gets back to Mystic Falls in less time than it takes Matt and Elena to get however far they get.  I guess Witches, Originals, and whatever the hell Alaric is can fold space-time.

DAMON:  Okay, Bon, do your Witchy  juju on the coffin.

BONNIE:  Which juju?

DAMON:  That’s what I said.

BONNIE:  No, I mean, what spell am I doing here?  Am I cloaking him like the dead witches did the other coffins?  Because I don’t think I can do that.

They open the coffin, revealing Jerky Klaus…whose eyes pop open.  EWWWWW. That scared the hell out of me on first watch.  I can’t really remember how Mikael’s dessication worked, so I don’t know why Klaus is still conscious, but it’s freaky regardless.

BONNIE:  Give us a minute, would you?  I need to gloat.

Damon, who understands gloating, leaves her with Klaus.

BONNIE:  You suck in a metaphorical sense as well as a literal one.  I have a spell to pick with you.

What’s really promising here is how quietly angry Bonnie is – she’s not high-and-mighty or giving out migraines, she’s very focused and calm.  If we can keep this Bonnie I might ask Faye to let her live.

Gilbert House

Up in Elena’s room, Stefan is reassuring her that their plan, whatever the hell it actually is, will work.  He starts to leave, but Elena calls him back.

STEFAN:  What?

ELENA:  …um…never mind.  This whole issue is best left to a teary-eyed phone call where I can both dump your brother and let him die alone.

STEFAN:  Rock on.  *sluuuuuuurp*

ELENA:  Oh boy!  I mean, I am conflicted!  This is my conflicted face!

U-Stor-It

Rather hilariously Damon has found a discarded couch to lounge on while waiting for Rebekah to arrive for Klaus. I can so see him going through all the storage lockers looking through people’s stuff and stealing their Playboys.

He and Stefan converse about Elena’s decision making talents.

DAMON:  I would never have let her make up her own mind.

STEFAN:  But see, if I let her make up her own mind, then when it all goes to hell it’s not my fault.

DAMON:  You know…when you strip away the hotness and the tragic past, we’re both basically assholes.

STEFAN:  Trufax.

Unfortunately for everyone, once they hang up, Alaric appears and chokes Damon out.  I guess he didn’t believe Jeremy’s story after all.

He says that law enforcement helped find them, but I’m not sure how that would work.  I guess if Alaric knew the license plate of the SUV, and what direction they were driving in, he could have local LEOs call county highway patrol and they could have searched, but would they have had time?  Also, outside Mystic Falls the cops aren’t going to drop everything to look for a car without a good reason, so Alaric would have had to make up something that would certainly have resulted in the cops showing up as well as Alaric.

I know, I’m overthinking.  My brain always fixates on random little stuff – but it’s that little stuff that throws viewers out of the story, like right now when I’m totally off on a tangent about something completely pointless. Ahem.

Gilbert House

Matt brings Elena tea.

ELENA:  This is ass.

MATT (actual dialogue):  I overhoneyed.  I suck at tea.

NOTHING:  *is more adorable than that line*

MATT:  Hey, let’s distract you from that tea by talking about the CHOICE YOU MUST MAKE.

ELENA:  Well, let’s see…Stefan saved my life once, although they’ve both saved it more than once since then.  Stefan showed up when I needed someone and it had nothing to do with me looking like his ex girlfriend.  Stefan’s dependable and steady like a rock, you know, like his abs.  Aren’t they amazing?  Seriously, you could bounce a quarter off that shit.

MATT:  I know, right?

ELENA:  Anyway, Stefan is safe and comfortable except when he’s homicidal and that will never ever happen again.

MATT:  What about Damon?

ELENA:  I pretty much just want to jump his bones.

Flashbackalicious

Elena is wandering away from the bonfire where I assume all her friends still are, and calls home for a ride.  I always got the sense that this part went down more like a fight between her and her parents than the genial advice-conversation we see here, but that’s just how it sounded to me based on how Elena described it to Stefan way back when.

ELENA:  Mom, Matt wants to get married and make babies, like right now.

ELENA’S MOM:  No he doesn’t.  He just wants to scare you out of commitment.  Boys do that, honey.  But you need to LET HIM GO.  You won’t actually be breaking his heart and crushing him like a grape, you’ll be setting him free.

ELENA:  Gosh, Mom, you make it sound so sensible.  Next thing you know I’ll find out you guys adopted the Doppelganger but stayed in Mystic Falls, the place where the Originals were made in the first place and all this crap got started, because there’s nothing less insane than hiding in plain sight.

Matt’s Truck of Utter Betrayal or Rescue, Depending on How You Look at It

Present-day Elena wakes up in Matt’s truck.  He totally drugged her tea!

With what?

Never mind. Jeremy probably had something left over from his drug days.  It’s as good an explanation as any.

MATT:  I’m getting you out of town.  Turns out I don’t give that much of a shit about your free will either.

U-Stor-It, Or Not, Since Our Security Blows Goats

Alaric storms from locker to locker yanking locks and throwing open doors.  Meanwhile Rebekah arrives to take possession of the Original Prune.

Bex wanders around calling for Damon, who grabs her and hauls her around a corner before Alaric can catch her.

Alaric finds number 1020 and opens it, but the coffin is gone.  I thought at first it was because Bonnie hid it, but not so much.

I then laugh my head off at the sight of Damon and Bex heading hell-for-leather with the coffin on wheels toward the open back end of the SUV.  It’s only about two seconds of film but it cracked my ass up.

EVILARIC:  Oh no you don’t.  *administers beatdown*

As Rebekah screams frantically, Alaric opens the coffin.  Klaus looks up at him helplessly – in fact they’re all helpless to stop Alaric ramming the Bling Stake into Klaus’s heart.

The sad TVD music starts up (swelling strings with that dum-dum, dum-dum, dum-dum, dum), so we know this is going to suck.  Damon holds onto Rebekah to keep her from running at Alaric, and we see flames ignite over Klaus’s chest.  For his part, Damon looks like he’s about to wet his pants.

Alaric retrieves the stake and makes to go for Rebekah next, but she books it, and he vamp-whooshes after her.

After the commercial break Damon, sitting on the floor, calls Stefan to deliver the news.

DAMON:  Yeah, we’re fucked.  No kiss and no K-Y, brother.

STEFAN:  So assuming Klaus was telling the truth, we have about an hour to live…we can’t get you back here to die on Elena again.

DAMON:  That’s okay.  I’d rather be dumped over the phone than in the middle of bleeding out at her feet.

They hang up and we shift over to

Mystic Woods

Jeremy informs Stefan that Elena has been girl-napped.  Then Caroline and Elijah arrive and Stefan has to break the news to them.

Matt’s Truck

Matt hangs up with Jeremy (damn they’re all talking on the phone a lot during this ep), and Elena insists they go back to Mystic Falls so she can be with her friends when they die screaming.

MATT:  Okay, it’s time to play MAKE THAT CHOICE!!!!  I can either head back to town where Stefan is, or I can drive to where Damon is.

ELENA:  SERIOUSLY WE HAVE TO DO THIS NOW?

MATT:  Yep. Without some serious pressure I think we’d have had to put up with this crap for another season. As your ex I really don’t think I can take hearing about it any more. Let’s get it moving, okay?

U-Stor-It

Elena calls Damon.

DAMON:  Where are you?

ELENA:  Not on my way to you, that’s for damn sure.

DAMON:  Called it.

ELENA:  I can’t help it – I’ve always been in love with Stefan and nothing in the world can ever change that, and even though there’s something fundamentally fucked about choosing to be with a guy who nearly drove you off the bridge where your parents died, apology or no apology (and technically he never actually did say “I’m sorry” to me about anything) – and something equally fucked about being with someone who is, well, you, because Jesus Fancy Dancing Christ are you a piece of work, I’m gonna have to go with Stefan on this.

Damon looks gutted, but not especially surprised.

ELENA:  Maybe if I’d met you first -

DAMON:  Is that supposed to make me feel better?

ELENA:  It sounded good in my head.

Elena is crying, and it’s all very moving, in that “Oh God we’re going to have to watch her and Stefan doing it again” way.  She tells Damon she’ll see him soon, and that everything’s going to be fine, but as she speaks Damon looks over and sees that Ric has come back for him.

Eyes on Ric, Damon tells her goodbye.

DAMON:  I don’t suppose you can give me a pass since I just got my heart stomped on.

EVILARIC:  Are you kidding?  This is like Christmas for me.

Werewolf Cave

Caroline, distraught, runs in calling for Tyler.  She’s nearly come unglued – she still feels fine physically, which means Klaus might really have been lying, but either way, Tyler’s a dead wolf walking.

Tyler appears and tries to calm her down; she tells him what’s up.

CAROLINE:  Klaus is all-dead.  Not mostly dead.  With all-dead all you can do is go through his pockets and look for loose change.

TYLER:  *is remarkably calm*

CAROLINE:  I AM FREAKING OUT WHY AREN’T YOU FREAKING OUT?

TYLER:  Caroline, you’re going to have a beautiful life, and travel the world and see art and music and ride numerous ponies, and it’s all going to be awesome.

Caroline flings herself at him and they kiss, but then Tyler starts coughing violently and demands that she leave.  She refuses until he starts wolfing out and threatens her bodily harm because he doesn’t want her to see him die.

She bolts, still sobbing.

Matt’s Truck

Elena hangs up with Caroline and has to tell Matt that Tyler’s dead.  Matt, for once, gets to have a serious display of emotion, pounding the steering wheel and yelling “Dammit!”  It’s really very heartbreaking given how steady he always seems to be, but everyone has a breaking point and let’s not forget his sister died in all of this, too.

MATT:  Our lives suck so bad.

ELENA:  Don’t worry. It’s not like it could get any worse.

Mystic Forest

Rebekah finds Elijah standing stoically staring off into space, and crying, she runs to him.  Elijah’s face nearly crumples too, but he holds it together long enough to wonder why the hell all the others are still alive.

Werewolf Cave

Bonnie has returned posthaste from the storage place and walks into the cave.

BONNIE:  Come out, come out.

TYLER…MAYBE:  I didn’t think you had it in you.

BONNIE:  I decided I’m not going to be pushed around by any of you anymore, Klaus.

THE AUDIENCE:  ….AWESOME!

Off in the Forest

Stefan is walking to…somewhere…when Rebekah calls him.

BEX:  So, now that Klaus is dead, our deal’s off.  I’m kind of over running for my life, and since there’s only one way to get rid of Alaric, I’m going to go kill your girlfriend.

STEFAN:  My girlfriend…what, did she pick me?  DID I WIN?  REBEKAH?

Wickery Bridge

Elena asks to borrow Matt’s phone, and his attention is off the road just long enough that neither of them see Rebekah standing on the bridge until it’s too late.  Matt tries to swerve around her, and the truck vaults off the bridge into the water.

In case you were wondering, the current world record for holding one’s breath underwater is about 8 minutes, so everything that follows is basically plausible.

The next few scenes are so beautifully worked together it’s hard to describe them and make any sense; we flash between the scene of Elena and Matt underwater and the scene of Elena and her parents underwater, and also to Alaric beating the hell out of Damon back at the storage place, and then to yet another flashback; in some of the underwater moments it’s hard to tell which is which unless you can see Elena’s shirt (in the flashback it’s pink).  I’ll do my best here.

Flashback:  Elena comes to with her head just above water; her mother is already unconscious but her dad’s awake and is trying to get the door open.  They have just long enough for him to promise her it’s going to be all right before the water swallows them both.

Storage Place:  Damon falls on the ground bleeding from mouth, eyes, and nose.  Ric taunts him to fight back, but Damon points out he’s invincible and calls him Ric, which Evilaric takes exception to.  We get a glimpse of Alaric’s self-loathing – nice-guy Ric was “weak” et cetera.  He goes back to beating Damon up, and as he’s about to lose consciousness Damon gets a flashback of his very own!

Damon’s Flashback:  He’s lying in the middle of the road, the way we saw him the very first episode of season 1, waiting for a car to come along, when he hears someone talking on a phone nearby.  Lo and behold, it’s Elena, talking to Bonnie about Matt while she waits for her parents to come pick her up.

DAMON:  Holy shit, Katherine, is that you?

ELENA:  Um…why do I get the feeling like I’m going to have to answer this question a lot in the future?

DAMON:  Oh, wait, never mind.  She’d never wear that outfit.

They proceed to have a conversation about her relationship with Matt and how it’s just not enough for her, and how what she wants is passion and excitement and all the stuff she’s really going to regret getting in a few months.  I find Damon a bit out of character here, for season 1 – back then he was way more sociopathic and I don’t think he would have been that nice to her given how he acts later on.  Regardless, her parents drive up and he compels her to forget their meeting.  Thus, she did in fact meet Damon first.

But I’m sure it won’t come up again.

Storage Place:  We return to present-day Damon, who decides he’s going to fight back after all.

Present Day Drowning:  Elena comes to underwater with Matt…but wouldn’t she have been breathing while she was unconscious?  Oh, never mind.  It’s basically her worst nightmare – she’s reliving her parents’ death, only with Matt.  She tries to rouse him, but can’t.

In both present day and flashback Elena and/or her father fight to get the door open – kind of crazy that neither one of those vehicles had a door that would open, given the odds.  Once the water fills the car the pressure is equalized so the door should open – it’d be one thing if they had crashed sideways and bent the doors in, but still, at least one on the other side should have opened.  If the Gilberts’ car had automatic locks that would be a problem but I really doubt Matt’s old POS had automatic locks.

Again, overthinking.

Flashback:  Elena tries to get her dad’s attention, and when she does, she takes his hand, apparently accepting they’re going to die.  She mouths “I love you” to her dad and then passes out.

We see a dark shape swim up to the truck, and Stefan appears in the flashback, trying to get Elena’s dad out; but he motions for Stefan to get Elena.

It appears that Stefan realizes on first sight who Elena looks like; he pauses before getting the door open to rescue her, so he’s either all “Wow, that girl’s hot for being dead,” or, “Whoa…no, wait, Katherine would never wear that outfit.”  In the present, Stefan rips the door off the truck and tries to reach past Matt to get her, but Elena forcefully waves him away, insisting that he save Matt. He grabs Matt and heads for the surface.

Then we get to see Elena die, and damn if Nina Dobrev doesn’t do a pitch-perfect job – Elena’s face goes blank, and she just sort of goes limp, one arm floating up while her hair tangles all around.

Storage Place:  Damon and Alaric are slugging it out when Alaric suddenly starts choking and goes down.  Damon, hanging onto him, begs Alaric not to die – you could argue he’s just freaking out because he knows this means Elena’s dead, but I think it was also because he didn’t want Ric to die – especially after having lost him once already.  Either way, it’s sad as hell.

Gilbert House

Jeremy is trying to get hold of Matt, and as he comes into the living room someone steps out of the shadows:  Ric.

Jeremy, bless him, doesn’t seem to realize what’s going on at first.

ALARIC:  I’m here to say goodbye, Jer.

JEREMY:  …after you kill me?

ALARIC:  I’ll always be watching over you, Jeremy.

JEREMY:  Because you’re spying on me because you’re evil?

ALARIC:  OH FOR FUCK’S SAKE I’M A GHOST.

JEREMY:  *wibble*  Wait…what about Elena?

Mystic Falls General

Elena is laid out all bedraggled and dead on a morgue table like Snow White, with Stefan sitting next to her all weepity.  Man, Paul Wesley can sell a man-cry like nobody’s business, can’t he? And given that Stefan seems to be on the verge of tears in every episode, he has to do it a lot.

Damon charges into the hospital and demands to see Elena, but Meredith grabs him and pulls him aside.

MEREDITH:  Elena was dying to death when she came in before, so I helped her.

DAMON:  ???

MEREDITH:  I helped her.  In that way I help people.  You know, that bloody way I help people?

DAMON:  Crazydoctorsezwhat?

MEREDITH:  OH FOR FUCK’S SAKE SHE’S A VAMPIRE.

Our last shot is another look at Elena on the slab, bathed in blue morgue-light (ever notice how morgues are never well lit?), and by now we all know what’s coming:

ELENA:  WHY DIDN’T YOU DUMBASSES TRY CPR?

[TITLE CARD]

And that’s all she wrote for season 3, kids.  See you in September.

I just had the most fantastic idea for a TV series:  a Rosencrantz and Guildenstern Are Dead version of The Vampire Diaries.  It would be from the point of view of some random high schooler who catches glimpses of all the whacked-out shit going on in town but has no idea what it actually means, all while living a normal life taking real classes and not attending monthly funerals.  We’ll call it Stefan and Damon Are Dead and Elena is Brain Damaged.

I really do try to hang with the whole love triangle thing – I get it’s what has people fired up over the show – but I don’t really understand the pressure everyone keeps putting on Elena, insisting she HAS TO PICK A BROTHER RIGHT NOW.  Why can’t she say “Okay guys, get the hell out of my town for a few years, and if I survive to my mid 20s we’ll talk.” SHE’S 18.  Everyone in her family is dead (or has died like 80 times). She can’t even go to a school dance without five people trying to kill her. She’s got enough shit to deal with without having to pick a lifemate before she’s even old enough to (legally) drink.

(Because, as we all know, everyone who falls in love in high school stays with that person forever and always yep yep.)

(Thank God that’s not true.  I’d be married to the world’s tiniest penis right now.)

Mystic Falls High School

My hand to God, my first thought during this scene was “What’s Alaric doing in a classroom?”  I had honestly forgotten he was a teacher. 

Alaric sits in his desk chair, playing with his pointy thing…much like adolescent boys often do during class, as long as they can put a book in front of it.

Out in the hallway Caroline is on the phone with Tyler who has ditched her cleanup crew to help Klaus pack.

CAROLINE:  Klaus is being petty.

AUDIENCE:  What, are you new here?

TYLER:  Don’t worry, I’m pretending to be sired to him and talking as loudly as possible in his house so there’s no way he’s going to find out something’s up.  Ciao.

This leaves just Caroline and Rebekah to clean up the entire gym after the previous night’s dance; the Wondertwin Barbies try to maintain their loathing toward each other, but Caroline can’t help offering up a small white flag of empathy.

CAROLINE:  Sorry your mom was a Raging Ass-Bag Who Couldn’t Act To Save Her Life.

REBEKAH:  Well, luckily it doesn’t run in the family.  Sorry about that dude you all liked.

CAROLINE:  Teacher.

BEX:  You’re shitting me, right?

Unfortunately as Bex walks into the hallway, who should she run into but Evilaric – you can tell he’s evil because he walks with his chin down and his eyes up, and struts rather than walking.

He tries to stake Rebekah, but SWOOSH! Caroline comes to the rescue! 

Only problem is the Veiny Stake won’t kill him.  Damn it.  There must be some convoluted Witchy Way to take him out, then, that can go wrong in like 50 ways between now and the finale.

CAROLINE:  *looks at Bex*

BEX:  *looks at Caroline*

THEIR ASSES:  *are hauled*

Caroline makes it to her car, but as she’s fumbling with her keys, Evilaric vamp-rushes her, breaks her neck, and drags her back into the school…in the daylight…with his FACE ON FIRE.  The raucous rock soundtrack that starts in this scene is either extremely creepy or extremely ridiculous, and since Alaric’s FACE IS ON FIRE, I’m going to go with creepy, just cuz.

[TITLE CARD]

Gilbert House…Brought to you by HGTV

During the wee hours of last night, Elena apparently decided she needed to paint Alaric’s room RIGHT NOW, so she and Jeremy are covering furniture and doing a fairly crappy job painting.  I can’t tell whether they’re painting white over green or green over white.  It has something to do with moving on, but I’m thinking it has more to do with Elena needing a glass of warm milk with about six Valium in it.

STEFAN:  I think it’s green over white, just FYI.

ME:  Well, then Jeremy is using way too much spackle.

STEFAN:  Fine, we’ll get him a Valium too.  Anyway, hi Elena!  I’m checking up on you!

JEREMY:  Okay, are you two back together again or am I just having to put up with you because God hates me?

He stalks off, leaving Elena and Stefan awkwarding at each other until the doorbell rings.  Stefan offers to answer it, what with it being his house and all (whatever), and for some reason the camera follows his hand, particularly his ring, down the banister as he heads for the door.

DAMON:  Sit down, Stef, I have some shocking news: our plan got fucked.

He holds up a bloody, still-in-costume Bonnie – it’s hard to tell whether he’s keeping her from bolting or is actually holding her up, although obviously she can’t be weakened by blood loss, for as we’ll soon see, that ain’t no thang in Mystic Falls.

Haus of Klaus

Bex informs Klaus that Alaric is on the rampage.  She’s genuinely freaked after watching him drag Caroline off, and for once Klaus seems to listen to her; they agree it’s time to blow this popsicle stand.  Klaus, however, refuses to leave town without his two-legged blood keg.

BEX:  Are you kidding?  Leave her here and forget about the hybrids, you dick – you’ve got your family to protect you!

KLAUS:  Which one of you is protecting me, again? You worked with Mikael to try and kill me, Elijah nearly killed me the night of the sacrifice ritual, Finn is thankfully dead, Kol is a douchebag…how does that make one big happy family?

Rebekah finally gives up on him and takes off.

Gilbert House

STEFAN:  Okay, explain the plot to me again.

BONNIE:  I was possessed, I didn’t have any control over it.  And it’s not like it’s ever happened before, so how was I to know that Esther, whose abilities apparently have no limits whatsoever and require no logic to explain, could do the same thing Emily did?

DAMON:  Okay, next season, I vote no witches, and we lock Bonnie in the cupboard under the stairs.

Bonnie, who has already somehow procured a hoodie (I guess from Elena, even though Elena isn’t downstairs helping Bonnie or finding out what’s up, she’s still upstairs painting…okay.), tells the boys that no witch can create something truly immortal, so there has to be a way to kill Ric.

Upstairs, Elena’s phone rings, and she’s clearly creeped out when Alaric’s name shows up on the caller ID.  She answers, expecting some pimply kid to ask if her refrigerator’s running.

EVILARIC:  Come to the school or I’ll kill Caroline.  Oh, and don’t tell anyone or I’ll kill Caroline.

ELENA:  Oh, balls.  There goes my plan to tell Stefan to rescue Caroline and stay here where it’s safe.

Downstairs the doorbell rings yet again, and this time Jeremy answers.

KLAUS:  Hello friend.  Have you heard the word of me?  It goes something like this:  Give me your sister.

Damon and Stefan have Jeremy’s back, and moreover Klaus hasn’t been invited in, so they shut the door in his face and holler for Elena.  Elena has somehow climbed out her window, gotten in her car, and driven off without anyone hearing or seeing anything, even Klaus on the front porch.  Magical unicorn ladyparts AND a cloaking device! 

Klaus paces up and down the porch, his anger building until he sees the morning paper on the ground.

KLAUS:  Oh good!  I missed today’s Family Circus.

Inside, the boys and Bonnie wonder where the hell Elena’s got off too, when suddenly a rolled-up newspaper smashes through the window like a brick, throwing glass everywhere.  Stefan body-slams Bonnie to the floor.

DAMON:  Don’t worry!  We’ll be fine as long as he doesn’t have a handful of quarters!

Mystic Falls High School

Caroline is bound to one of the student desks and has pencils nailed through her hands to keep her there, which is so awful it’s almost funny; she’s also gagged with what turns out to be cloth soaked in vervain so she constantly breathes in the volatile oils, so he’s basically mustard gassing her. 

Ric is once again fondling his stake when he senses Elena has arrived.  When she demands that he release Caroline, Ric tells her to do it herself.  I don’t know what’s worse, watching Caroline’s eyes during these scenes or seeing Elena try to be gentle pulling pencils out of her friend’s hands. 

EVILARIC:  Just kidding, by the way.  *handslam*

Nobody screams quite like Caroline.  And nobody’s screaming guarantees the audience will want a bad guy dead quite like Caroline’s.

Gilbert House

Klaus is losing patience with the situation, and stomps across the street to a neighboring house to lean against their white picket fence. 

What follows is one of the most awesome action scenes this show has ever done – Klaus slams open the front door using a soccer ball, then starts throwing pieces of fence pickets like darts into the house, all to a most excellent rock soundtrack for that sort of badassery.  Things are shattering all over the place, everyone’s ducking, Damon’s taunting Klaus with “Missed me!”, and the whole thing is just so wonderfully absurd. 

In the midst of the chaos Stefan’s phone rings.

Here’s the funny part:  next shot is of Klaus headed for the front door with a burning newspaper torch and a propane tank.  I don’t know what it is about this that made me laugh so hard – a good laugh, not a derisive one.

However, before he can torch the place, Stefan comes to the door and informs him that Alaric has Elena and Caroline and will kill them both if Klaus doesn’t go to the school.

Klaus looks sad that he won’t get to burn anything.  Poor baby.

The brothers and Klaus decide, tentatively, to team up – nobody wants Elena or Caroline dead, and Klaus can’t die either as long as the question of their bloodline is unanswered, so the wisest course is for them to work together to kill Alaric and then go back to being mortal enemies tomorrow.

KLAUS:  I’ve got a plan! Let’s get Damon killed!

DAMON:  I’ve got a plan! Suck my dick!

KLAUS:  *blink*  Um…no, we can’t have that.  We’ll leave that one to the fanfic writers.

STEFAN:  Are you kidding?  You know they’re all writing slash with you and me, not Damon.

DAMON:  Think so?  Google “Damon Klaus Coffin Sex,” I dare you.

BONNIE:  AHEM.  I have an idea – we can use that Vampire Jerky spell that Abby used on Mikael.

Dude.  Not only did Bonnie have a change of clothes handy, she had time to straighten her hair!  She could easily have borrowed Elena’s clothes, but I really don’t think her hair could be ironed out that perfectly in five minutes – not from that curly updo configuration it was in for the dance.  I get that they want her hair blowing in the wind for the magic scenes, but it would have been way more believable to leave it up for the time being.

MFHS

Alaric continues torturing Caroline, and Elena continues to ask him “why he’s doing this.”  Seriously, Elena?  His whole reason for existing is to destroy vampires, you’re a vampire sympathizer and your best friend is a vampire, and you don’t know why he’s doing this?

EVILARIC:  This is all to teach you a valuable lesson, Elena.  I’m your parental figure, after all.  Remember how we spent all that time training, and had the “Eye of the Tiger” montage, and you started jogging?  Well now you can really kill vampires!

ELENA:  That was more to protect myself from my psycho murdering ex boyfriend, really, although we’re about to hook back up, so I’m kind of over it.

Salvatore Den of Antiquities

Damon and Bonnie, who have been thrown together a lot in this episode, await the arrival of everyone’s favorite charisma-free vampire absentee mommy.

ABBY:  I’m back!  Or something.  Jamie told me you needed help.  But since I ran away from my own house, I’m not sure where I was when he told me that, but let’s not quibble over details at this point.

Hilariously, the show finally pauses to explain why vampires can roam freely through the Den of Antiquities even though they signed it over to Elena (her death reset the boundary and now no humans live there, as opposed I guess to the Gilbert House, where even though Elena died there were still mortals about). 

MFHS, Outside

I’m not sure why Stefan and Klaus arrive so far ahead of Damon and Bonnie rather than all of them coming at once, except that Stefan and Klaus needed to be alone to have a conversation about what happens after Alaric is dealt with.

KLAUS:  Still going to take Elena and skedaddle, btw.

STEFAN:  Fine, I’ll go with you.

KLAUS:  What about your brother?  You know, ELENA HAS TO CHOOSE ONE OF YOU.  This whole thing is going to destroy your happy little brotherbond.

STEFAN:  Nah.

Den of Antiquities

As one might expect, Abby doesn’t want Bonnie to do the dessication spell because it’s dangerous and goes to scary dark places.

ABBY:  If you do this, you’ll walk around saying MY DARK MAGIC every three words for the whole next season like that blonde girl on The Secret Circle.  Do you want to be that annoying, Bonnie?  Do you?

BONNIE:  I kind of already am.  THESMATOS.

ABBY:  Yeah, okay.  To do the spell you stop the vampire’s heart, and to do that, you have to stop a human’s heart.

BONNIE:  So when you shriveled Mikael who did you kill?

ABBY:  Wow, look at that fireplace!  They sure do grow ‘em big around here!

MFHS

The obvious choice for Sacrifice of the Week is Jeremy, whose ring is still functioning well enough that he probably won’t go insane just yet. 

BONNIE:  Look at my BRAND NEW AT&T SMARTPHONE WITH GPS TRACKING AND LOCATING SOFTWARE THAT SHOWS TINY HEADS OF MY FRIENDS.  IT CAN BE YOURS FOR ONLY $199 PLUS ACTIVATION FEE.

The best part of this scene is that while Damon is insisting Jeremy not be the one to wear the ring in the spell, Bonnie’s face is all, “You heard him, boy!” like she’s Damon’s sidekick.  Damon somehow manages to make almost every character more interesting just because of how obnoxious he is – they all come alive when they want to kick him in the balls. 

The Avengers assemble, and everyone takes a hit off Bonnie’s blood (from a bottle, unfortunately – watching them all bite her would have been hella sexy) to link them up to her so she’ll know when they get their fingers in Alaric’s jugular.  Yeah, they actually have to make physical contact with his blood stream.  Ew.

KLAUS:  Oh, by the way, before we go in there where I might die, I should tell you I’m the one who started your bloodline, so…save my ass.

I’m not sure if the boys actually buy that or not, but it’s not as if they were going to take the chance anyway, so it’s possible Klaus is telling the truth – but equally possible he’s not, so there’s no reason to draw any conclusions as yet.

Inside, Alaric takes the opportunity to tell Elena she’s a terrible human being, a disappointment to her parents’ memory, and a bunch of other mean crap that is at least a little bit true.  I mean come on, he’s right about the Council’s original purpose being to keep the town safe from vampires, and thanks in no small part to Elena the place is pretty much overrun with them.  I doubt that would make her parents hate her, but there’s enough truth in what Ric is saying that you can see the shame and anger in her eyes.

RIC:  Okay, kill Caroline.

ELENA:  How about I kill you?  *stabbity*

RIC:  Spaghetti arms!  You suck at this!

ELENA:  Yeah, well…you’ve got bad skin!  *flings vervain juice all over his face*

Alaric screams and claws at his face, which is kinda gross, giving Elena time to un-pencil Caroline and free her but not enough time to escape herself; Caroline makes it out and runs smack into Klaus, who holds his hand over her mouth and, in a moment of genuine chemistry, tells her to go home and stay there, that he and the boys will save Elena.

Alaric slams Elena against a wall of lockers, but doesn’t kill her, even though there’s absolutely nothing stopping him.  This oddity does not go unnoticed by Elena.

The Salvatores rush Alaric and knock him off Elena, but Ric has them both down in about three seconds – he breaks Stefan’s spine in midair, which makes an awful sound, then does the same to Damon’s neck. 

Klaus comes in next and manages to get his hand in Ric’s chest.

Out in the Woods Near the School

Bonnie feels the squishy badness, and starts her spell…way…too…slowly.  She should have had that damn thing queued up!  Jeremy’s just laying there waiting to die again, the poor kid.

MFHS

Unfortunately, that whole “ultimate weapon” thing wasn’t just a lame-ass line for Esther to deliver in all caps; Ric breaks Klaus’s hand and lays the smackdown on him like whoa.

Out in the Woods

BONNIE:  Shit.

MFHS

Alaric gets Klaus on the ground and they’re doing the stake-pushing-thing when Elena yells “STOP!” and we see that she’s got a knife at her throat.

ELENA:  Let him go or I’ll slit my throat!  While you were throwing me around I figured out that Esther used my blood so she could tie your life to mine, and that way when I die, you die.  So assuming I make it out of this season alive, we’re talking like 60 years you can roam the Earth causing death and destruction.

ALARIC:  …I was kind of hoping you wouldn’t put that together.

ELENA:  You forget – I’m Scrappy Early Season 3 Elena, not Irritating Mid Season 3 Elena.  Now that Esther’s gone we’re not all flaming stupid anymore!

Klaus throws Alaric off, grabs Elena, and books it, vampire style.

Haus of Klaus

Time for the creepy.  Elena wakes up tied to a chair with a uniformed nurse sticking a needle in her arm.

Klaus has decided, fuck the army, he’ll just take all of Elena’s blood now and use it to make as many hybrids as he can. 

All Elena can do is sit there watching her own blood drain out of her body. 

Tyler walks in with a box of knickknacks.

TYLER:  What the hell?

ELENA:  Save me!

KLAUS:  Nope, go get more blood bags.

TYLER:  That nurse you compelled to come all the way out here only brought one blood bag?  That’s lamesauce, dude.

KLAUS:  HIE THEE HENCE, MINION.

MFHS

Damon and Stefan awaken on the floor to find Alaric towering over them.

ALARIC:  Guess what?

DAMON:  Elena’s in trouble?

STEFAN:  Must be Thursday.

RIC:  Ding ding ding!  Captain Hair wins the round.  Klaus is going to kill her, which will kill me, so I can’t kill you, and that would suck, so go rescue her.  It’s still daylight so I’m still stuck here.  Isn’t that a kick in the pants?

Haus of Klaus

Klaus fondles one of the blood bags.  It looks like a water balloon.

KLAUS:  You see, I don’t need an army, because I have my family.  We’re even closer now than ever before.

ELENA:  …wait, what?  Didn’t you JUST TELL REBEKAH you didn’t need her?  And is this the same family you kept in boxes for centuries?  And have screwed over more times than anyone can count?  And who have screwed you right back?

KLAUS:  You really need to die more quietly, okay?

Homeboy is seriously delusional.  Either that or he’s got a secret second family somewhere in Des Moines like those guys who have two wives in two different cities.

KLAUS:  Speaking of family, YOU KNOW YOU MUST CHOOSE A SALVATORE.  I know the reason you haven’t is that it will destroy their relationship.  But once you’re dead it won’t matter!

In another batshit crazy personality shift, Klaus gets up close to her and asks, “Just between us girls, who would you have picked?”

Elena quite rightly tells him where he can stick it.

Once he leaves, Elena weakly tries to wriggle herself free, growing desperate – she’s got to be halfway drained by now, given the number of bags we’ve seen go out. 

The best part is that the blood bags say “Volunteer Donor” on them.

Tyler appears to save the day.  He sneaks up to Elena and sets her free, but just as he gets the needle out of her and the ropes undone, Elena’s expression goes all “FUUUUUUCK.”

KLAUS:  Hmm.

TYLER:  Na-na-na-na-nah.

They do the dick-waving argument you’d expect about free will and love and loyalty before Klaus gets tired of it and administers a beatdown.  He throws Elena, whose head smacks ominously (and in a very subtle slo-mo) on a table. Just as he’s about to rip out Tyler’s heart, Tyler twists his arm and shoves him back, allowing the Salvatore brothers to appear out of nowhere and the three of them to wrestle Klaus still.

Stefan goes in for the kill; he digs his fingers into Klaus’s chest, and there’s a lot of squishy noises and screaming.

As Bonnie, out in the woods, is chanting something about halitosis, Klaus stares in utter, bewildered betrayal at Stefan, and for all that Klaus is an evil bastard, it’s genuinely heartbreaking watching him realize who’s doing this to him.  He and Stefan lock eyes the entire time.

Meanwhile Bonnie gets a nice dose of dark magic, some snakey black things writhing through her that make her smile just a little.  Aha! We might get our Darth Bonnie arc yet.

Damon helps Elena up and steers her out of the house.

Klaus’s heartbeat slows down and he looks around him – at Tyler, the hybrid he made to be part of his “new family,” and Stefan, his “old friend” who I think Klaus honestly believed he would win back someday.  Stefan, for his part, looks like he’s about to start sobbing, and really, even if he absolutely hated Klaus (which I don’t think he does, entirely – not on a conscious level, but at one time they were friends, and back then Stefan had free will so it was his own choice), seeing someone essentially die slowly in your arms is going to fuck with you.

Klaus finally veins out, the last look on his face one of heartbreak and fear, and Stefan and Tyler lower him to the floor.

Let’s have a slow clap for Joseph Morgan. God damn.

Out in the Woods

Bonnie’s dark magicgasm ends in time for her to realize Jeremy’s not back yet.  Freaking out, she chants some crap at him, but I guess nobody told her that the more times you use the ring the longer it takes to come back.

Christ, let’s hope Esther’s not over there whispering in all caps in Jeremy’s ear.

Gilbert House

My god, these people are dumb.  Okay, you just had someone drain half your blood.  Do you go home?  NO, you go to the FREAKING HOSPITAL.  Especially if you have a “little headache” that could be anything from a concussion to a subdural hematoma rocking its way through your cranium.  Obviously they didn’t give her any vampire blood, or she wouldn’t end up passing out here in a minute–whatever’s wrong with her would have been healed.  So they just let her go home like that. 

*sigh*

Anyway, the plan is for the boys to drive Klaus out to the ocean and dump him.  Who wants to start a betting pool on whether they make it?

ELENA:  Hey, now that we’re on the porch…

BOYS:  Oh, hell, here we go.

ELENA:  I know I’m selfish–

BOYS:  Yeah, kinda.

ELENA:  But I don’t want to lose either of you.  I’m dicking you around because I love you both, and Webster’s Dictionary defines “love” as “dicking someone around.”  So even though I know I HAVE TO CHOOSE ONE OF YOU VERY SOON, that’s really going to suck for me.

Both Salvatores look like they’d rather be anywhere but on that porch.  God, how painfully awkward – I mean, it’s good that they’re all three present for a conversation like this, and they should have been having such conversations all along, but still, awkward.

Now comes the part of the episode I really don’t understand.

Elena walks into the house to find all her friends – none of whom had cars, apparently, because nobody parked outside.  They’re preparing snacks and pouring booze and everyone’s laughing and joking around, and the tone of the scene is so radically different from the rest of the episode I got emotional whiplash.

CAROLINE:  Welcome to our victory party!

ELENA:  Okay, how much of that vervain did you swallow?

The consensus is that they’re all happy to be rid of Klaus (which of course means he’ll be back) and want to celebrate the moment (even though as soon as the sun is down Alaric will be rampaging about the streets of Mystic Falls to kill half of them and without more vampires to catch him there’s no way to take him down with Bonnie’s spell) and friendship and all that.

CAROLINE:  Here’s a shot.  Oh, and I was eavesdropping on the Porch Moment, and YOU KNOW YOU HAVE TO CHOOSE A SALVATORE VERY SOON, RIGHT?

ELENA:  Here’s a better idea.  Why don’t I drink hard liquor right after having half my blood drained and getting my head bashed without an MRI?

EVERYONE:  SHALOM!  *drinkies*

The Mayor’s House

And now for another radical shift:  Liz arrives at Carol’s, demanding to know why she’s called the Council meeting…but Carol didn’t call it…Alaric did.

ALARIC:  Now that we’re all here, howsabout I out you guys’ kids to everyone so they’ll all turn against you?

Then, he vamp-rushes them to keep them from leaving, and you can hear gasps in the background, so he just revealed himself too…so what did that accomplish?  Yeah, the Sheriff and Mayor are pretty useless at keeping vampires out of town, but what exactly have the others done, ever?  Even Meredith was using vamp juice for medicinal purposes. 

En Route to the Ocean Because There Are No Convenient Wood Chippers

Damon and Stefan have a nice brother-talk about Elena, and how whoever she picks (because she MUST PICK ONE OF THEM, although Damon at least cops to the possibility she’ll dump them both), the other brother will leave town.  Except that Elena said she doesn’t want to lose either of them, so if one of them leaves town, it will devastate her. 

Gilbert House

Elena and Jeremy are painting.  Shouldn’t they be hanging tarps over the broken windows and big ol’ holes in the house?

ELENA:  I know Mom and Dad wanted to kill all vampires, but…I don’t wanna.

JEREMY:  I’m not going to let anything happen to you.

ELENA:  You do realize that by saying that you’re basically fucked and going to die, right?

JEREMY:  Yeah, probably.  G’night.

Elena goes back to painting.  She’s never going to get her own DIY show if she doesn’t start actually looking at the wall where the paint is going.

Then she falls over, nose bleeding, and that’s the end.

It’s a nice touch that her blood mixes with the paint she knocked over – nice and gross. 
[TITLE CARD]

I think another reason I’m pro Damon/Elena is that I honestly don’t believe it’s ever going to happen.  It’s fairly obvious that the showrunners want Elena to pick Stefan – she might make out with Damon and maybe even shag him before the story’s over, but come on, does anyone really think they’ll end up together long-term?

Either she’s going to get with Stefan and live broodily ever after, or she will choose herself and have a regular human life (still my preference, unless she gets vamped, in which case if she doesn’t want eternity to be boring she should go with Damon).  Damon’s not the kind of character that writers ever want to be happy.  It’s far more entertaining to bring him to the edge of happiness and then destroy him over and over again.  Trust me, I know this one.

I do love to root for an underdog, though.

Okay, so, another episode that divided people.  To be perfectly honest…I kind of hated it.  No, hate’s a strong word. There were maybe two scenes that didn’t make me roll my eyes or throw stuffed animals at the screen.  The one comfort was knowing that there’s still two more episodes where all this ridiculous shit can be set right.  We know our show does endings like whoa.

I was discussing S3 with my Tweeps, and what I realized was that this season started to go off kilter right when the big witchcraft started. It was fine when it was Bonnie making daylight rings and doing stuff solo – and even fine when it was Klaus’s witches in season 2 – but between Abby and Esther and the 1000 dead witch spirits becoming this massive deux ex machina in practically every plotline, y’all, I’m over it.  There are all these rules about vampires, but the only rule for witches is apparently “do it too much and you’ll get a nosebleed,” sort of the hairy palms myth for spellcasters.

Because apparently Esther can do whatever the hell she wants and it’s all good. All she needs is a little Doppelganger blood. Doppelganger blood is like the baking soda of this show – it does everything, fixes all problems, and leaves kitchen fixtures shiny and new.

(SPOILERY stuff starts after the image)

I think what really angered me was beyond that, though – it was that I felt Alaric’s “death” was totally cheapened by the last scene.  We went through that torment, watching everyone say goodbye.  He got a peaceful death, knowing he was loved, which he deserved.  He didn’t have to worry about hurting anyone else.

No, wait!   ESTHER’S ALL UP ON IT!

Someone really, REALLY needs to teach Bonnie Occlumency.  Jesus Christ.

Haus of Klaus

Klaus is working on a gigantic painting that looks a lot like one of the cypress trees Van Gogh painted while in a mental institution.  Just putting that out there.

ESTHERBEKA: Stake.

KLAUS:  Gimme it.

Klaus burns the stake and announces his intention to leave Mystic Falls with his Doppelganger, which solves the tricky “I don’t want to die a violent screaming death, but I can’t possibly leave a town that has Elena Gilbert’s magical unicorn ladybits in it!” conundrum everyone seems to have.

ESTHERBEKA:  But the dance!  I’m on the committee!  And Caroline will be there.

KLAUS:  Aw, what the hell.  Surely I, a thousand year old bloodthirsty murdery creature who destroys everything in my path can spare a night of frivolity to woo a girl who has yet to express any real interest in me whatsoever.

One thing this show does so well is make the primary motivation of all people, whether human or vampire or werewolf or hybrid, the desire to be loved.  They all feel alienated even among their closest friends, and they all crave the feeling of being understood that always slips from their grasp.

Well, except Esther, but I’ve come to think of her as less a character and more a walking, snotty plot device.

Salvatore Den of Antiquities

Damon calls to check in on Ric, who claims he’s leaving town for a few days to clear his head. 

For some reason Damon’s reaction is more, “Did I leave the gas on?” than “Is it a good idea to let the psycho who kills vampires and the humans who help them just vanish for a couple of days without any supervision whatsoever and just assume he’ll take his herbs like a good boy?”

Jesus Christ, these people.

Come to find out, Evilaric was the one calling, and he’s currently at Haus of Klaus, hanging out in the coffin room.  Man, vampire sense of smell just gets worse all the time. 

ESTHERBEKA:  Okay, now, dagger me so I can get out of this body.

I’m not really sure why they do this, unless she needs to be in her body for Big Magic – but we’ve seen that people wearing vampires and vice versa can do things the body couldn’t do before, so….?   

Okay, every time in this episode the witchcraft does something that makes me want to gouge my eyes out, you’ll see this:  SHENANIGANS.  Otherwise this recap is going to be 50 pages long.  I won’t even go into the whys – just assume when you see the word I’m banging my head against the screen in futility.

Mystic Falls Gym of Absolute and Total Safety for Students and Faculty

Caroline and Elena (as well as Matt and Jeremy) are hard at work decorating for the dance.  Caroline snarks on Rebekah’s decorating taste and how she didn’t even bother to show up today, then proceeds to put on a leotard and do a one-woman synchronized swimming routine on Why Elena Should Be With Stefan.

Apparently Stefan is her “Epic Love.”  Pardon me, I misplaced my barf bucket.

I found Caroline irritating in this episode, which is rare.  Her cheerleading routine for Stefan sounded really shrill and contrived.  Otherwise after everything that Stefan has done to Elena, how could Elena’s best friend possibly cheer them on as a couple?  Caroline herself is the one that last season went on about how impossible human/vampire relationships are…but wait sorry, Stefan’s Elena’s EPIC LOVE.

Whatthefuckever, Caroline.

CAROLINE:  It’s Stefan’s turn to woo you, Elena!

ELENA:  What about the season and a half he got before, when we were constantly in danger and I was pretty miserable most of the time even before he went on his first killing spree and then tried to drive me off a bridge?

CAROLINE:  EPIC LOVE.  Besides the season’s almost over!  We have to get this triangle shit as tense as we can so that when you pick Stefan it’ll be extra special!

Den of Antiquities

So, Elena calls Stefan to ask her to the dance, and there’s all that awkward exes fumbling around.

ELENA:  So…even though we haven’t discussed my making out with your brother last episode, that’s probably not even going to come up, because it’s not like that was *real* kissing.  It was “me trying to figure stuff out” kissing.  Obviously it doesn’t count.  Let’s go dancing!

STEFAN:  Yay!

Damon sees part of this exchange and it’s hard to tell if the look on his face is more “I can’t believe that girl” or “Oh fuck it, you deserve each other.”

Mystic Falls General

Damon freaks Meredith out with…well, with his personality, and asks Meredith if she thinks Alaric can stay non-killy if he didn’t even bother taking his jar of herbs with him on his vision quest.  Meredith’s expression says “Um…no.”

Salvatore Crypt

Esther and Evilaric approach the crypt, Esther explaining that this spot was where Klaus tore her heart from her chest, and therefore it’s special.  Violent death marks the ground, you see.

So…most of Mystic Falls is going to be marked like a motherfucker, right?

Esther explains in her usual pontificatory voice that since the Last Pointy MacGuffin will burn up whenever it’s used, they need to make it multi-use, and that involves melting Alaric’s ring, which doubles in volume upon melting, all over it.  SHENANIGANS

Gilbert House

Stefan shows up to pick up Elena, who is looking rather cute in her little flapper dress, and that’s me saying that as someone who pretty much hated the 20’s. 

STEFAN:  Here, I got you one lame-ass flower. That makes up for all the mean stuff I said and did to you and your friends, right?

ELENA:  Totes.  Let’s go!

Have you noticed how when Elena’s in shots with Stefan that are supposed to be romantic, she’s made up like a teenager (or a child), but in shots with Damon she wears way more eyeliner and mascara, even to bed?  Just an observation.

Stefan points out, quite rightly, that their dance karma is kind of on “dung beetle” level, but Elena is undaunted.  Seriously, I’m with Stefan on this one – by now Elena should be barricaded in her house with a cache of military grade weapons and ten years’ worth of canned beans.

Ain’t No Party Like a MFHS Party, Cuz a MFHS Party Got No Chaperones!

Music, dancing, disco ball…which I don’t get…what is supposed to make this look like the 20s again?  Besides the costumes. The kids are all flailing around pretty convincingly.  Lots of elbows. It’s epic.

Caroline and Tyler get their flirt on.  Caroline looks adorable too.

Unfortunately Caroline has appointed herself Destroyer of Romantic Illusions, as she tells Matt not to get up on Elena since people tend to get hurt around her.  Aha, maybe that’s it!   Maybe she’s pushing Stefan on Elena so that Stefan will get killed.

*sigh*

Moments later Tyler shows up and informs Caroline he’s determined to sweep her off her feet.  Tyler actually admits point-blank to being jealous of Klaus, which is way more emotionally mature than 90% of teenage boys, so go Tyler!

In order for the CW to make back the cash it spent on sets and extras, we’re treated to a number of crowd shots and moments of the various cast members dancing and twirling their fringe.

Then, Elena decides now is a great time to tell Stefan she made out with his brother (kind of like the last time, when Stefan was on the ground bleeding), but thankfully, Stefan doesn’t want to hear about it; he gives her a very fair and grown-up speech about how he’s just happy to be her date tonight.

Which on the surface seems really cool of him, but when you think about it, the fact that Elena doesn’t protest, and doesn’t bring it up again, tells you all you really need to know about who she’s going to pick.  If she honestly had any intention of choosing Damon, she would try harder to explain things to Stefan, because she has always felt like she has to justify everything to him.  Not to mention Stefan being all cool about it is the behavior of someone who already knows the outcome.  At this point it’s all about the show picking the right background song for their tender yet epic reunion sex.

Luckily for the plot, which is flopping around on the bottom of the boat by now, Damon shows up and informs the two that they need to talk. 

Jeremy sees the trio head off out of the gym and follows.  He bumps into Bonnie and Jamie.

JEREMY:  Oh, hey, dude – sorry I bumped into you.  You’re probably going to die, just so you know.

BONNIE:  Why are you wearing that ring?

JEREMY:  Because my sister is hoping she’ll end up with no family at all so she can run off with her vampire of choice with no ties to this stupid little town.  Bye!

Outside, the trio square off on the Alaric Problem.

DAMON:  Kill him.

STEFAN:  Rehabilitate him.

ELENA:   Whatever you guys think.

Jeremy stalks up just long enough to register his disapproval on the whole kill-Alaric thing, then huffs away in anger rather than offering a viable solution.

Elena follows him outside, insisting that nobody’s going to hurt Ric; Jeremy seems to believe it about as much as we do. 

ESTHER:  Elena, You Must Come With Me.

ELENA:  Oh for fuck’s sake, not you again.

ESTHER:  Willingly Or Not You Will Come With Me To Save Your Friend Alaric.

And Elena, of course, skips blithely along after her, telling Jeremy to fetch the brothers.

At this point we find out that in the last nanosecond Esther has somehow laid down a six-inch-thick salt line around what I assume is at least the whole gym if not the whole school and sealed the vampires in.  In full view of a hundred teenagers.

SHENANIGANS SHENANIGANS SHENANIGANS SHENANIGANS

DAMON:  Hey, Jeremy, you’re human – kick the salt line so it’s broken, and we’ll waltz right out of here.

JEREMY: Hey, great idea!

Jeremy kicks the salt line as do a dozen other people walking through it, rendering the boundary nonexistent.

NO, WAIT.  THEY ALL JUST STAND THERE.  THEY DON’T EVEN TRY!

SHENANIGANS SHENANIGANS SHENANIGANS SHENANIGANS

Meanwhile, in an empty classroom, Bonnie and Jamie talk about her friends, Jamie expressing that they’re not exactly the Brady Bunch. 

I gotta say the girls’ outfits in this ep are pretty fabulous, even though I hate 20s fashion – it only flatters women built basically straight up and down with a minimum of natural curve, and luckily that describes most television actresses.  Bonnie’s looking pretty swanky.  Jamie on the other hand looks like a cast extra from the “Chim Chim Cheree” scene in Mary Poppins.

That doesn’t stop Bonnie from pouncing on the guy–and I mean pouncing.  Go Bonnie!  They get a couple of seconds of teenage normalcy before Damon, who is the Official Cockblocker of Episode 320, appears with his patented “We’ve got a problem.”

I’ve never been a huge Bonnie fan but damn, that girl never catches a break, does she?  All her friends get laid – Elena’s got hot and cold running Salvatores and Caroline has a werewolf on one hand and Klaus on the other, and either girl could snap her fingers and turn her house into the Kama Sutra, but Bonnie can’t even make out for five minutes without someone needing some lame-ass spell.

Graveyard, Crypt-Adjacent

Esther tosses Elena some bullshit about how she’s sorry to drag her away from her funtimes, but the Doppelganger always gets blood-sucked by somebody or another.  Elena begs her not to hurt Alaric, but Evilaric appears to let her know that’s not really the issue at hand.

Apparently Esther wants to make an Ubervamp out of Alaric, because that would obviously solve everything, and something about his hatred of vampires being pure and uncompromising and SHENANIGANS SHENANIGANS SHENANIGANS.

Oh, and also, Esther was hanging out in the afterlife cranking up Alaric’s Evil-o-meter to 11 every time he died.  Which…doesn’t explain why Samantha Gilbert went evil, unless Esther was oh fuck it SHENANIGANS.

Back at the Dance

Tyler and Caroline are cozy on the dance floor when who should arrive but Klaus, looking insanely classy and dapper in a white suit. 

Klaus cuts in on their dance, which Caroline objects to but Tyler, pretending to still be sired, obliges to, leading to probably the best exchange in the whole episode:

CAROLINE:  Why do you always have to prove you’re the alpha male?

KLAUS:  I don’t have to prove anything, love, I am the alpha male.

Klaus pours on the charm, but Caroline’s not having it. 

KLAUS:  Baby, if I could rearrange the alphabet of my childhood, I’d put the rune for U and the rune for I together and it would probably create a binding runescript that would blight the crops for four years but that’s okay because you so fine.

CAROLINE:  What?

KLAUS:  I’m leaving tomorrow, and I know you won’t come with me–but one of these days you’ll realize that this town is incredibly boring (once everyone’s dead that is) and you’ll come looking for me so bye.

Klaus stalks outside, but stops short when he sees the magic salt line that still hasn’t been walked through by a single person.

STEFAN:  Yo mama.

Inside, Bonnie is muttering her seven words of witch latin (THESMATOS, BITCHES!) I assume to break the barrier spell.

Klaus’s idea of speeding things up is to try and strangle Jamie.  Well, sure.

STEFAN:  Come on, Klaus, threatening Bonnie’s boo isn’t the way to go.  If she’s all shaky and stuttering she might accidentally turn us all into wheat smut.  Step off and let her chant, dude.

Klaus, being sired to Stefan and all, lets Jamie go.  Finally Jeremy and Matt figure out that humans can leave the school, so they can stop Esther.

Graveyard

While Esther lights a zillion candles (Bonnie can light them with her brain, you know.  Just sayin.)  Elena tries to do that reasoning thing with Ric, and it works about as well as her reasoning always does, meaning, it gets Ric to tell us more about his evil side and that’s about it.

Esther magics blood out of Elena…even though nobody’s ever done that before SHENANIGANS! And starts her spell, which of course has to end in stabbity.

Mystic High

Bonnie pauses in the urgency of finding Esther to give Damon some of her patented self-righteousness.  I haven’t noticed her giving Stefan any, even though both of them were in on the whole let’s kill Abby thing.  Actually if Bonnie’s going to be pissed at anyone who was down with that plan, she’d have to be mad at THE ENTIRE FANDOM.

Over in the now-empty gym (is there anything sadder than an empty gym still decorated for a school dance?) Caroline tries to reassure Tyler that he’s not going to get killed, but Tyler’s feeling a bit morose and wonders if they shouldn’t just let Esther kill Klaus.

TYLER:  I hate Klaus!  I let him dance with you!

CAROLINE:  Um…how exactly were you going to prevent that, bucko? Did you get some reinforcing steel rods installed in your neck so he can’t slap your head off?

TYLER:  I got your steel rod right here.

CAROLINE:  *slurp*

Graveyard

Elena de-stakes dead Evilaric, while Esther continues to pontificate about how righteous she is and how this is NOTHING like what she did to her kids, because of…the reason.  Oh, okay, Alaric will die once he’s done, so instead of creating an immortal race of murderers, she’s destroying a good human to create a rage-filled robot to do her bidding which she will then kill.

Yeah, sure.  That’s way better.  Bitch.

We do find out that Alaric might be himself again for a minute when he wakes up before the transition is complete.  Gee, I wonder if that will be important later?

Esther makes the mistake of playing the Jenna card, and Elena about scratches her face off.

Okay, mostly she just stands there crying, but still, she’s clearly unhappy about it.

Just as an aside, I HATE the way Esther says “vampire.”  I just want to punch her in the head every time it comes out of her mouth.  Actually I want to punch her in the head every second she’s on screen, so since she says “vampire” every third word, it works out well for me.

Just then Jeremy and Matt show up, armed and semi-dangerous, except that Esther uses her witchy mojo to make them point their weapons at each other because Esther’s magic can do anything.  SHENANIGANS.

But before she can make them fire, being so protective of human life and all,

ALALARIC:  Temporarily sane me FTW!

He stabs the bejesus out of her, and she goes down. 

Alaric clearly has no memory of the last day or two, which means he doesn’t know what Esther has done to him–by Elena’s quivering lip we know she’ll be the one to tell him.

The School, Outside

Klaus and Stefan circle each other trading quips and barbs.  Then Damon shows up, and Klaus needles the boys about Elena picking one over the other, but it’s nothing we haven’t heard before.

Bonnie comes outside to let them know the boundary is lifted.  I think it would have been funny for her to just hang out and let them think it was still there for like twelve hours while everyone else dealt with the situation, then called Stefan and was all, “BAZINGA!”

The Crypt

Jeremy tells Alaric and Elena that Damon’s there and that Klaus took Esther’s body.  He can tell by their faces that something’s up.

ALARIC:  Jeremy…I’m not going to become an Ubervamp.

JEREMY:  But I’ve already got the action figure!

The next few scenes are excruciating, which makes the ending piss me off even more, but:

Alaric says his goodbyes to his kids, and somehow Elena makes their goodbye about her (It’s all my fault!) as if he didn’t have any choice in his own fate.  She claims that she forced him to stay there and take care of her and Jeremy even though he didn’t want to be part of it.

ALARIC:  Oh, Elena…we both know I didn’t “take care” of jack shit.  But it’s been great, really…almost like I had a purpose in life for a while.

Alaric walks Elena out of the crypt, to find that almost the entire cast is standing around in a semicircle, showing Alaric he’s not alone.  It’s incredibly touching other than the fact that it’s got the fucking Fray in the background.  That guy’s voice is like nails in my brain.

The camera moves from face to face, and we see Damon in three-quarter profile trying to look strong, and Matt with red eyes, and then finally Meredith.

Alaric gives a nod and a small smile, then walks into the crypt and shuts the door behind him.

Haus of Klaus

Klaus undaggers Rebekah, and takes the opportunity to yell at his dead mother in her coffin.

You know, at this point, the wise thing would be to burn her body and sow her ashes with salt.  Please?

Bonnie’s House

Wait…Bonnie has a HOUSE?  SHE LIVES SOMEWHERE?  No way!  Next thing you know we’ll meet her dad!

Jamie comforts Bonnie.  That’s basically it. 

Mystic Grill

Matt and Jeremy have a drink in Alaric’s honor.

The DEA bursts into the bar and arrests Matt for serving alcohol to a minor.

Nah, just kidding.  Jeremy cries.  He’s rocking the single man-tear pretty well, I must say. 

The School

Elena, who is long overdue for a screaming fit, is trying to clean out Alaric’s office in that way people in shock usually do before having a screaming fit.  Stefan interrupts her and convinces her to follow him.

He leads her to the sad, empty gym and reminds her this is where he bit her and killed Dana and turned off his feelers.

ELENA:  That’s really comforting, Stefan thanks.

Stefan starts talking about how Elena told him feelings are good and being sad is okay, but all I can really focus on is how his hair looks like the feathered crest of some sort of bird, or possibly Quetzalcoatl.  At some point, though, something he says makes Elena start sobbing and hug him.

The Crypt

Meredith and Damon actually bond a little, which pleases me.  I like the thought of them getting closer after Alaric’s death.

Meredith tells him he shouldn’t leave Ric alone to die, and after a moment Damon seems to agree; he joins Ric in the crypt, bringing along one last bottle of booze.

Alaric makes fun of Damon for giving Rose a pre-death paradise dream, and it’s so sad and funny, because their relationship has always been one of the best things on the show – they should hate each other, and sort of do in a way, but depend on each other far more. 

And now Damon’s going to be left without his bestie, and Elena and Jeremy without their doomed mostly-inept parental figure, and Meredith without her squeeze, and all so that Esther could further her stupid agenda that doesn’t even entirely make sense. 

As they sit quipping at each other and passing the bottle, we can see the tears falling from Alaric’s eye that Damon can’t see. 

Bonnie’s House

For reasons I can’t even begin to fathom, Bonnie and Jamie are still in costume as they sleep spooning – what the hell?  In that getup, I’d have changed into my jammies the minute I walked in the house, especially after a night like that, boy or no boy.  At least men’s clothes are marginally comfortable regardless of the decade – can you imagine trying to sleep on all those damn beads?

So a whispering voice wakes Bonnie up, and who should it be but Esther’s spirit calling from beyond the grave telling her to “finish her work.”

About this time I get a terrible gnawing feeling in my gut realizing what’s going to happen, and I’m tempted to throw my remote at the screen so hard I don’t have to see it.

The Crypt

Alaric finally drifts off, and Damon, with tears in his eyes, finishes the bottle of booze with a salute to his friend.

As he walks out, though, he’s confronted by Bonnie.  Damon doesn’t get that anything’s wrong at first – in fact he’s remarkably nice to her for Damon, probably since he just lost his BFF and all.  Bonnie gives him a witchy migraine for  his trouble.

Bonnie marches into the tomb and cuts open her palm (what IS it with these people and bleeding from palms?  Not the best choice!  Not even in the top 20!) then forces Alaric, who I guess still had a little life left in him, to drink it.

Alaric gets up, all veiny and blood-dripping, holding the Last Pointy MacGuffin (now with optional chrome trim), and I assume his programming kicks in.

SHENANIGANS SHENANIGANS SHENANIGANS.

Okay, guys, I just have to come out and say it.  I’ve tried so hard to just keep it to myself, because I didn’t want to be involved in the Shipper Shitstorm, but here it is:

I’m pretty much on team Damon/Elena.  And it has nothing to do with who’s “better” for her – let’s face it, what would be GOOD for Elena is for everyone to ship her with her 21^st birthday.

Why do I ship it, then?  I WANT TO SEE THE SEXING.  See, tonight’s mega-awesome kiss was exactly how I wanted Damon/Elena to go at it:  grasping, up against a wall, hard, like two people who have given in to something bigger than logic and deeper than good sense.  All this “Stefan’s love is pure” crap also describes his shagging:  it’s Sarah McLachlan sex.  I want to see Nine Inch Nails “Closer” sex between Damon and Elena.  Because their relationship is so loaded with sexual tension, Elena’s bullshit denial, and Damon’s inability to do anything halfway, when they finally do go there, the bed is going to CATCH FIRE.

Stefan and Elena are romantic, in that Twilighty, forbidden love kind of way, and there’s a place for that, but not in the heart of this 34 year old Scorpio who wants to see Damon hit that like he’s on Jeopardy and the category is “Whiskey.”  I totally understand why people ship Stefan/Elena (I refuse to use those ridiculous smooshed names, I’m sorry – they’re two people, they get two names, period.) because it speaks to that whole “swept away by love” idea.  But I don’t want to watch that kind of relationship because it’s boring.  It’s been done.  I want to see HOT MONKEY LOVIN’ and I want to see how Elena deals with a relationship that’s so intense and physical instead of all flowers and foreheads.

I don’t care about the endgame, because by its nature, it’s the end, and by then all our theories will be moot.  I just want to see it happen, even if it’s just for one night that ends up having terrible consequences.  I want to see Elena really just GET UP ON THAT and ride that boy like Seabiscuit.  Please?

Anyway, to the recap.  Ahem.

Salvatore Den of Antiquities – Basement Dungeon

There sure are a lot of dungeons, caves, and cave-like cells on this show. 

Elena arrives with some supplies for Alaric, who has decided locked up is the place to be if you’re Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Homicide. 

ELENA:  Ric, is it you?

RIC:  Of course it is! There’s no way my evil half would lie and pretend to be me!

ELENA:  Oh, by the way…Stefan has decided I need to go on a road trip with Damon so I can “figure out my feelings,” which I think means “so Damon can fuck things up like he does and I’ll hate him again and want Stefan only forever nom nom nom.”  And I think there’s something about Jeremy going on too, but who cares?

ALARIC:  Y’know, I’m kind of glad I’ll probably be dead-for-good pretty soon so I don’t have to see how your love life turns out.

Up in the room with the big fireplace, which is required in all standing structures built in Mystic Falls, Stefan’s got his brood on, and he and Damon discuss whether or not Stefan will be ruthless enough to get the information they need out of Evilaric.

STEFAN:  Sure I will.

DAMON:  No you won’t.

Whereupon Elena arrives and we find out that the “road trip” is actually a flight, because someone finally realized that the entire continental US is not within driving distance and Damon’s car is not a TARDIS.

Mystic Falls High School

I know we’ve been hearing from the episode synopses and images that there’s going to be another goddamned Decade Dance, but still…really? 

Caroline, chairman of everything, arrives at the school to discover Rebekah has totally bogarted her dance.  She’s even got Matt on her side, and I gotta say I agree with them that the 20s is way less terrifying, in a fashion sense, than the 70s. 

CAROLINE:  Fine!  I’ll just storm off in a huff!

*huff huff huff*

Matt runs after her to soothe her ruffled boa, and we discover that Matt and Caroline were in cahoots…um, I’m not sure why.

CAROLINE:  I’m going to run off for illicit shaggings!

MATT:  I’m so happy to help my ex girlfriend get laid by my friend!

I assume the reason they’re pulling this whole charade is that if Bex knew Tyler was around she’d probably tell Klaus, and Klaus might try something sire-y with Tyler.  I guess. 

Basement Dungeon of Antiquities

Stefan brings a bottle of booze to share with Alaric. 

Naturally the first thing they talk about is Elena and Damon’s road trip.

STEFAN:  You know, all the work I’ve done to not be a murdering dickbag is totally worthless if she’s into my brother…which we know she is, but we’re pretending not to, because we need emotional tension in the back half of the season so we can build up to some kind of sucker punch in the finale.

ALARIC:  So…this whole gaining control thing is all about Elena, and not about the dozens of innocent people you killed and would continue to kill if you went over the edge again?  Wow, I sure do want you for my not-quite-son-in-law.

Denver

Okay, I know we’re skipping a lot of needless exposition in this episode, but I’m curious how Elena knew exactly where Jeremy was.  I guess she called whatever nebulous relatives he was staying with (who are hopefully going to take care of his dog). 

Jeremy is surprised to see Elena and Damon, and Damon laments that he didn’t compel Jeremy to be better at baseball.  Dude, if you can compel athletic ability, how about compelling the kid some ninja skills or something that might be useful?

DAMON:  Hey, Jeremy!  We need you to whisper us a ghost.

JEREMY:  Sure, happy to help, but first I have to play ball with my friend.

KOL:  Baseball skills would actually be helpful here.  Observe:

Kol beats the shit out of Damon with a bat.  Damon does this really awesome move and impales Kol on a broken bat…and they LEAVE HIM THERE IN PLAIN SIGHT!  This is not Mystic Falls, you guys!  Denver might actually have functional law enforcement!

DAMON:  Let’s not be here anymore.

Denver-Adjacent LaQuinta

(LaQuinta, as we know, is Spanish for “next to Denny’s.”)

Obviously we haven’t gone too far, as there are mountains pasted to the background.

ELENA:  This should be a great spot for Jeremy to do his thing, right?  Hey, that wall right there looks nice and sturdy.  That’s always good.

Jeremy asks if Damon has a picture of Rose – I guess since vampires in this universe show up in mirrors they must photograph, too, but of course Damon and Rose’s relationship didn’t really leave much time for making duck faces in the photo booth at the local burger joint.

JEREMY:  Okay, tell me something about her, then.

DAMON:  She loved horsies. And historically inaccurate dresses.  But then, on this show, who doesn’t?

ROSE:  See if I ever hop into Jeremy’s body so we can make out.

Extremely Non-Dangerous Mystic Woods

Tyler and Caroline rendezvous.  They get it on in the werewolf torture cave, for some reason. 

Outside Haus of Klaus

Matt gives Bex a ride home from school, and he plays his nice-guy part very smoothly, which makes me kind of sad.  Bex can be an enormous bitch, but it’s such a shame that no matter who’s plotting against whom she always seems to end up betrayed.  Everyone keeps talking about how needy she is, but maybe they’re focusing on the wrong thing – maybe the problem is how awful everyone else is to her.

Speaking of awful, Rebekah walks into the house to find Esther hanging out in front of the big fireplace (as per Mystic Falls Building Code section 3.1.1).

BEX:  I KEEL YOU.

ESTHER:  Do it quick, sweetie, or miss your chance.

Denver-Adjacent LaQuinta

Rose and Jeremy have a rather hilariously edited-for-Elena conversation.  We learn that Rose is doing well on the Other Side, because she doesn’t have to live in fear anymore.  We also learn Rose is Team Damon – too bad Jeremy doesn’t convey that part. After all, if anyone could give an informed opinion about the merits of Getting Up On That, it’s Rose. 

I don’t get the Rose hate in the fandom.  No, she’s not a big ol’ badass, but not all people are, even vampires.  Becoming immortal doesn’t guarantee you’ll be fearless and confident like Caroline.  I think she was a good character because she had a perspective nobody else does – that of an adult female who isn’t another character’s mother.  I wasn’t upset that she died, because a) it created a fantastic character growth moment for Damon and b) I don’t think she would have been a sustainable character over the long-term.

Anyway, Rose informs the team that she wasn’t sired by an Original, but by some woman named Mary Porter, who Damon seems to have heard of.  Rose tells Jeremy she’ll go do some poking around and try to find Mary’s current address.

Basement Dungeon (Not the Werewolf dungeon, the other one. No, not the one under the jail, the OTHER other one.)

Stefan and Alaric discuss Ric’s alter ego.

ALARIC:  My other half is such a dick.

STEFAN:  Dude, vampires have caused your life to suck in 100 different ways not including boning your wife.

RIC:  …fair point.

They start to discuss the nature of people’s dark sides, but before they can really break out the Psych 101 textbook, Klaus shows up.

KLAUS: Got my stake?

Stefan, for some reason, feels the need to explain to Klaus all about vampire blood lines and pretty much everything anyone is doing, because Stefan is incapable of keeping his trap shut.  Upon hearing that Ric needs to lose consciousness in order to flip and reveal the location of the Last Pointy MacGuffin, Klaus is all,

KLAUS:  *necksnappity*

RIC:  Oh, for fuck’s sake.  *is dead again*

Denver-Adjacent LaQuinta

It cracked me up for no real reason that Damon is carrying the motel ice bucket.  God, how many times have I run down the halls of a motel wrapped in a sheet to get ice from the machine? 

Um, never, obviously.

The boys have a phone conversation in which Stefan seems genuinely surprised that Damon, Elena, and Jeremy are staying overnight in a motel…because he expected them to get there and back all in one day?  Or because he expected them to sleep on a bench in a park somewhere?  Mostly it’s just funny watching his face as he wonders if Jeremy’s a light enough sleeper to cockblock Damon.

Jeremy McJudgeypants starts to give Elena the 3^rd Degree about her love life, which really should creep him out way too much to grill her over it, but hey, he’s a big grown up 16 now, and clearly he has the moral high ground as he has never, ever shagged a vampire.

Oh, wait.

DAMON:  I’m going to go take a shower and, using double-sided tape, ensure that my shirt will remain open to the perfect width and not fall in an awkward direction like, say, up into my armpit, thereby distracting everyone from my abs.

ELENA:  Awesome! I’m going to put on my plaid flannel pajamas, because I’m confused about my feelings…nope, sorry, I meant my hoochie negligee and extra eyeliner.

Haus of Klaus

Esther, who still sounds like every word out of her mouth is capitalized, explains to Rebekah that once Abby Bennett (oh yeah, her) died, Esther started dying because the link to the bloodline zzzzzzzzzzz.

REBEKAH:  Serves you right for trying to kill me.

ESTHER:  But My Darling Daughter, I Have Watched You Suffer From Beyond For 1000 Years, And It Got Really Boring, So You Have Outlived Your Natural Lifespan And Must Kick Off.

REBEKAH:  If we’re going to split hairs over what’s natural and what’s just flat out creepy, how about having a witch preserve your dead body for 1,000 years and then jumping back into it so you can kill your entire family?

ESTHER:  That Is Different, Because Of The Reason.

Esther then takes Rebekah’s hands, spasms a bit, and dies.

KLAUS:  Help me move the couch, Bex, I’m going to do a cartwheel.

Werewolf Cave of Illicit Shaggins

You know what’s weird about this episode?  Normally I love all things Caroline and her interaction with Tyler is usually great, but this time it was the least interesting thing about the episode.  It felt like their scenes dragged on forever.

Anyway, in the cave that has mysteriously sprouted candles and blankets, the lovebirds discuss how much they’ve missed each other.  Then Caroline pretty much ruins any chance of a second go round by telling Tyler about the bloodline problem, which she blames entirely on Damon.  The hell?  STEFAN IS THE ONE WHO’S BEEN RECKLESSLY GUNNING FOR KLAUS.  They’ve both been involved.  So is everyone else. 

None of that really matters, though, because like I said, it’s the least fun part of the episode, as evidenced by:

LaQuinta of Smoldering Looks Et Cetera

Elena lays awake surreptitiously watching Damon’s bare chest as he pours a drink and sits in the motel porchlight.  When Damon inevitably notices her staring, she pretends (lamely) to be asleep.  Smooth, Elena.

Damon joins her on the bed, as he’s done before.

ELENA:  I didn’t know you gave Rose happy death dreams.

DAMON:  Well, believe it or not, it wasn’t about you.

ELENA:  Of course it was.  But you did something nice, and you didn’t tell anyone about it.  Why?

DAMON:  I don’t want to be typecast as Nice Guy.  I prefer Antihero, or possibly Lovable Scamp.

They stare at each other intently until Elena can’t stand it and turns over–panting.  She’s actually panting.  I totally don’t blame her, but still, how is she still acting like she doesn’t know if she has feelings for the guy when she’s PANTING OVER HIM?

Damon reaches down and very gingerly takes her hand, which is one of the hottest things I’ve ever seen on this show.  Elena, overwhelmed, jumps out of bed and charges outside all atwitter.

By now, of course, we’re rocking Florence + the Machine, so you know something awesome and cinematically pleasing is about to happen.

I think they talk.  I don’t really pay attention.  I’m far more interested in the tongue.   The…erm, music…swells, and Elena launches herself at Damon.  Up-against-a-wall snogging ensues, complete with grabby hands and gaspy breaths and at this point I was basically pumping my fist in the air yelling something about Seabiscuit.

When we return from commercial, Jeremy fucks everything up, as little brothers are wont to do.

JEREMY:  Um…Rose called.  That Mary person everyone’s forgotten about is in Kansas.  Also, Elena, you appear to have smoke rising from your panties.

Salvatore Basement Cave Cell Thing

Alaric finally wakes up from his death.  Stefan is sitting nearby reading Moby Dick, which gives me a giggle–just something about him chilling with a book while Ric’s not decomposing is so delightfully absurd.

ALARIC:  This is stupid.  Why would evil me come out of hiding and risk having to tell you where the Last Pointy MacGuffin is?  All he has to do is hang out by my amygdala until Klaus gets tired and kills all of you.  Obviously the only solution is for you to threaten my life.

STEFAN:  Your logic does not resemble our Earth logic.

RIC:  I WANT YOU TO HIT ME AS HARD AS YOU CAN.

STEFAN:  Oh, whatever.  *beatdown*

Scary Mary’s House of Creeps

My God.  Vampires CAN fold space-time!  A six hour drive has been accomplished before dawn!

Come to find out, Damon knew Mary Porter, aka Scary Mary, back in the day, nudge nudge, wink wink.  Elena acts like she’s disgusted by the notion.  Damon has forgotten he’s required to save his junk just for Elena in case she should ever decide she has a use for it.  Silly Damon.

As you might expect, Scary Mary is dead, staked to the wall by none other than Kol, who I hope didn’t sire anyone I like, because it would really be a shame not to kill his snotty ass.

He administers another baseball bat beating to Damon, throws Elena at a wall, and then…doesn’t kill Damon, strangely enough.  You’d think by now the Originals would have decided they’re done watching the monkeys dance, but I guess not.

Also, Kol has been informed of the bloodline situation, so he muddies the waters by telling them that Mary might have been sired by him, or Klaus, or maybe Elijah, who knows? 

So…if Damon knew Mary at one time, why don’t they try to have Jeremy contact her too now that she’s an ex-vampire? 

Salvatore Dungeon of Disturbingly Sexy Violence

Stefan continues smacking Alaric around until Ric starts bleeding, which is a bit of a problem for Stefan.  Alaric, however, thinks it’s great.

RIC:  Come at me bro!

STEFAN:  I mustn’t!

Despite the fact that we know how fragile Stefan is with the whole murder thing, Ric pushes him into attacking and urges him to give in to his dark impulses.  Stefan is understandably not cool with that.  At first, anyway.  But we all know what’s going to happen, right?

EVILARIC:  Mua ha ha.

Evilaric taunts Stefan for being pathetic, a bad vampire, and so forth.  The dialogue in and of itself isn’t all that compelling, but Matt Davis plays creepy psycho guy really, really well. 

There’s a lot of punching and growling of “WHERE’S THE STAKE?” before Stefan finally gets Evilaric to fess up:  he hid the stake in the Cave of Wonders, where vampires can’t go.  That’s actually really smart, ‘cause it’s not like the Salvatores know any humans who could go down there and get it for them.

Oh, wait.

Unfortunately for Stefan, Klaus and Rebekah are hanging out in the living room (in front of the obligatory fireplace) and heard the whole thing.

Mary’s House

Damon is a bit on the battered side, but it’s nothing some vampire chiropractic crack-a-lackin’ can’t fix. Elena has a bruise or something.

He tries to fuss over her, complete with eye sex, but Elena pulls away.  Finally Damon realizes what’s going on.

DAMON:  Wow, you’re astonishingly manipulative.

ELENA:  But I don’t know if I have feelings for you!

DAMON:  WOMAN, ARE YOU KIDDING ME WITH THIS?  An entire season of meaningful touches, longing looks, porch kissing, and arguing, and you still don’t know?

ELENA:  Hey, I burned through my favorite panties for you!

DAMON:  This is bullshit.

He basically tells her, finally, that he’s tired of being dicked around, and she needs to figure her shit out without treating him like a relationship lab rat.  Looked at from his perspective, the whole trip was really cynically orchestrated–Stefan, hoping deep down Damon would screw up, and Elena hoping the same thing so she’d have an excuse to go back to Stefan and suppress her feelings for Damon.  While I don’t think either of them were actively thinking that–I don’t think Elena has it in her to be quite that nefarious, or, let’s face it, that clever–I can completely see Damon’s point.   

He has, after all, been screwed over by women wearing that face for quite some time.

Den of Antiquities

Rebekah drags Evilaric off to fetch the stake, leaving Klaus and Stefan alone so they can have a nice lovers’ quarrel.

Klaus, as is his custom, is clinging to the past, hoping he can get his Rippah friend to come back to him since he doesn’t have a coffin to stuff Stefan in.  Stefan isn’t having any of it, though.

STEFAN:  I’m Mr. Control now.  Because I attacked Alaric…or something.  Even though I just told him I didn’t have control, in the space of five minutes I’ve become the Zen Vampire Master.  So you have no power over me, Goblin King.  Don’t let the door hitcha where the good Lord splitcha.

Only it sounds a lot more badass the way he says it. 

An SUV, An Awkward Silence, And Thou

Our three intrepid ghost hunters, or whatever, have rented a vehicle to drive back to Mystic Falls…or maybe they’re folding space-time again to go from Kansas back to Denver in that same night so they can catch the red-eye home.  Who the fuck knows at this point?

Rose pops up in the back seat with Jeremy to drop some knowledge on him.  It’s basically what every adult in the audience has already said at some point.

ROSE:  Stefan’s all sweet and lovey and stuff when he’s not homicidal, but Damon’s the one who challenges Elena when he’s not homicidal.  The lovey stuff is fine while you’re a teenager but if you ever hope to be an actual grownup you need more than dopamine and oxytocin.  So stop being all judgey, Mr. I Dated Two Vampires.

JEREMY:  I was kind of hoping everyone had forgotten about that by now.

Caroline’s House

Oh, yeah, these guys were in this episode too.  Tyler’s going to stay over, or at least he is until he finds the pony picture Klaus drew Caroline and flips the fuck out over it rather than actually trusting her when she says there’s nothing going on. 

Hey, for all we know she’s saving the picture because after Klaus is dead it’ll be worth money.  Tyler isn’t thinking about investment potential, though, because I don’t think werewolves are immortal but Caroline is going to need hundreds of years’ worth of shopping money. 

Cave of Wonders

Evilaric farts around digging for the Last Pointy MacGuffin.  Rebekah watches.  One he finds it, he decides since he’s safe in the vampire-free zone he can bargain over it.

REBEKAH:  Yeah, about that…

She walks into the cave like it ain’t no thang.

ESTHER, WEARING REBEKAH:  Surprise!  It Turns Out I’m Not So Dead After All, And You And I Can Team Up To Kill My Kids.

EVILARIC:  Mua ha ha.

A lot of people flipped out over Rebekah’s ability to walk into the cave–she’s still a vampire’s body, after all.  But I recall Klaus-in-Alaric performing a number of feats of strength a human can’t really do.  And we’ve never established what exactly it is that keeps the vampires out–it probably has nothing to do with their bodies, and everything to do with energy or souls or something, so if Rebekah’s not there, whoever’s piloting her overrides the program.

Of course if that’s true then it stands to reason all the other vampire stuff wouldn’t count for Rebekah right now, either…but again, given the diversity of vampire mythology, there doesn’t have to be one consistent rule across the board.   Naturally I’d prefer consistency, but if we live in a world where people accept sparkly vampires, surely we can deal with a few iffy rules.

People seem to be pretty divided on this episode, which is interesting.  Although the Big Twist in this episode was something a lot of fans (myself included) had already discussed online, I thought this week’s ep was much more satisfying than the last few.

I think it’s because we had way more of the central cast present than we have lately – everyone was a part of the plan.  I love it when they plan.  Even though it never works out and someone usually ends up dead and/or tortured.

Speaking of torture:

Elena Gilbert is one of the most self-centered selfless people I’ve ever seen.  How is it that every conversation she starts that’s about another character ends up being about how it affects Elena?  Even Caroline’s dead dad is about Elena.  I think her magical rainbow lady parts might be going to her head.

Don’t get me wrong, I’m still way more positive on her than I was in seasons 1 or 2 – or at least I am when she’s taking Buffy lessons and staking Stefan in the gut – but still, I marvel at her sometimes.

I’m also kind of “Huh?” at Stefan this week – I think he was supposed to be emotionally confessing his continuing love for Elena, but it sounded more like an ultimatum:  I’ll love you if you say you don’t love Damon.  What the hell was she supposed to say to that?  I’m just thankful she didn’t throw Damon under the love bus and jump Stefan’s bones – not because I think she should get all up on Damon, but because she’s been kind of a shit to Damon this season and it would be nice to see their relationship get a little less facepalmy before she destroys him again and gets back with Stefan.

Because you know she will.  It’s the Petrova in her.  Which might actually explain the rest, too, now that I think about it.

To the recapmobile!

 Alaric/Evilaric’s Loft of Stealthy…Power Tools?

Elena feels compelled to bring our newest Mystic Falls murderer some nice muffins and a latte, but Damon answers the door and implies, or at least seems to imply, Something Has Been Going On Up In Here.

ELENA:  Why are you covered in sawdust?

DAMON:  Um…insert joke about Ric sporting wood, now leave.

He totally gives her the brush-off and even shuts the door in her face, which for some reason satisfies me in a very Scorpio sort of way.

DAMON:  Okay, boys, hit it!

We see that Alaric now has a power saw in his loft.  HE HAS A FREAKING COMPOUND MITER SAW in his APARTMENT.  He, Damon, and Stefan are cutting the Wickery Bridge sign into bits for the stakin’.

Okay…so…since they’re not letting Ric out, either Damon or Stefan had to procure the saw, assuming of course that Ric didn’t have it in a closet somewhere with his drill press and lathe.  Did they rent it at Home Depot, or did one of the boys actually go down to Dangerous Blades R Us, plunk down a Visa card, and say, “I need to buy my occasionally murderous hetero life partner a SAW!”

I don’t know why I fixated on that, but there you go.

*TITLE CARD*

Damon is in charge of whittling, and he’s not doing a good enough job for Stefan, who gives a cute call back to the ep where Jeremy halfheartedly came after Damon for that whole neck-breaky thing.

Again with the silly details:  That sign wasn’t nearly as thick as those stakes are.

ALARIC:  Allrightythen, I’m gonna go turn myself in.

DAMON:  Psychosayswhat?

ALARIC:  I HAVE GUILT, GUYS.  Or at least half of me does.

STEFAN:  Sorry dude, no guilt until after the Originals are dead.

DAMON:  While we’re at it, you should definitely put your Ring of Undeath back on, because I’d rather have you out killin’ than accidentally impaling yourself on your own stake and being dead for good.

ALARIC:  YOU CANNOT OFFER ME THIS…Fuck it, never mind.  Give it.

DAMON:  I should probably knock off the eye contact before this feels even more like a proposal, shouldn’t I.

Mystic Falls Forest Where Nothing Bad Happens Ever

CAROLINE:  So…Alaric killed my dad.

ELENA:  Look, I know none of you asked for your horrible supernatural fates, but we need to move this along or I won’t get to talk about how it all affects me.

Side note:  Elena names off people who had vampirism thrust upon them, and she names Stefan but not Damon.  My take on it was that Stefan kind of made his own bed and then put his dead dad in it, but given how powerful baby vamp bloodlust is you could argue either they both were forced or neither was.  Regardless, Damon didn’t ask for it either, so the omission is interesting.  Probably meaningless, but interesting.

MATT:  What are we all doing here in the woods where nothing bad ever happens ever?

DAMON:  We found more white oak!

MATT:  Well that’s just fucking amazing since they grow EVERYWHERE.

STEFAN:  No, no, he means…the special oak.

Stefan tosses down a sack full of stakes.  Everyone’s reactions are priceless – they all look like Stefan just whipped out a bag of dildos and started spanking Damon with a trout.

You Can Tell By the Way I Use My Walk I’m a DOUCHEBAG

Finn struts orangely down the street in a nameless city.  What is it about this guy that makes me want to punch him in the wiener?

KLAUS:  Yo, bro.  You’re looking kind of Oompa Loompy.

FINN:  Well, I met this guy called the Situation, and he introduced me to the joys of spray tan.

KLAUS:  Very flattering.  Where’s Mom?

FINN:  At a Murderware party buying something to kill us all with.

KLAUS:  You’re coming back to Mystic Falls with me.  I found myself a witch who can unlink us.

FINN:  Gee, I wonder who that is.  Piss up a rope, brother.

KLAUS:  *is charming*

FINN:  *is flung*

REBEKAH:  *is looking kind of weary of all this crap*

Mystic Falls Wooded Area

Stefan explains the plan:  They only have to kill one Original to kill them all, so they’ll offer Caroline up as Klaus bait, have Matt distract Rebekah, and Stefan will actually do the killing.  Or something. Elena’s role is undisclosed. 

Caroline and Damon snark at each other and it’s rather cute – she suggests that Rebekah was desperate if she slept with Damon…which Caroline has also done.  I know he was compelling her for most of it, but if I recall correctly she did open with the flirty banter, so at one time she was into him.  Notice how nobody ever brings up that whole situation?  I guess the thorny consent issues would awkward things up.  I’d rather they didn’t just forget it ever happened, though.

The scene closes with Elena holding a crossbow, of which I approve, although the damn thing is bigger than she is.  It’s like she’s playing dress up with her daddy’s crossbow! Awwww.

Haus of Klaus

Finn is once again flung.  He refuses to help Klaus, but Klaus is all, “Well, this extremely boring redhead will convince you otherwise!” and Finn is all, “Zzzzzzzz…” and Sage is all, “MY BOO!” and Finn is all, “Shit, I guess I have to hug you.” and Sage is all, “Sexytimes Y/N?” and Finn is all, “No, I am VIRTUOUS.” And I’m all, “That dumb fucker died a virgin, didn’t he.”

Then Klaus offers up some awkward product placement and we learn that he’s in contact with Kol. 

REBEKAH:  Gotta go bleed a Salvatore, see ya.

KLAUS:  Be home for dinner!

Salvatore Den of Antiquities

Damon is hiding his stake in the firewood.  Alaric is unconvinced of the plan’s awesomeness.

ALARIC:  Soapdish.

DAMON:  Oh my God, am I never going to live that down?

ALARIC:  You fell for one of the classic blunders.

DAMON:  Never get involved in a land war in Asia?

ALARIC:  NEVER HIDE STUFF IN THE SOAPDISH.

*noise downstairs*

ALARIC:  *is flung*

REBEKAH:  *stabbity*

DAMON:  …ow.

Mystic Falls Town Square

Elena is growing increasingly worried that Bonnie isn’t answering her calls; you could chalk it up to the whole thing with *snore* but if Bonnie weren’t in trouble she would at least call Caroline, so given everyone’s track record of being jeopardy friendly they really should take this more seriously.

MATT:  Hey, look, it’s that guy.

Finn and Sage are walking around downtown mooning over each other…well, Sage is mooning, Finn is kind of ambivalent.  I would be too, really.  The whole idea of loving someone for 900 years is kind of unbelievable, to be honest – after a couple of centuries wouldn’t you…oh never mind, these are vampires and this is TWU WUV.

Granted I can’t even stick with a desktop background for more than a week, so what the hell do I know?

Den of Antiquities

Stefan arrives home to find Alaric groaning on the floor; Elena calls to tell him Finn and Sage are a-mooning, and Stefan tells her not to go after them because Sage is apparently really strong.

Haus of Klaus

Rebekah is hardcore, yo.  She’s got Damon chained up using rusty old BEAR TRAPS.  And she put a tarp down.  Good girl, Bex – those are probably hardwood floors, and once you get blood in between the slats those stains are never coming out.

REBEKAH:  You faked liking me, shagged me, and let your nasty friend get in my head.

DAMON:  Look on the bright side. You got to shag me.

Rebekah intends to “bleed the vervain out of his system.”

Um…huh?  Okay, anything “in your system” is going to be equally distributed in solution throughout your body.  It’s not like the vervain is all concentrated in the blood in his chest; it’s everywhere.  In order to bleed it out of his system she’d have to empty him completely.  She doesn’t do that, and yet he becomes vulnerable to compulsion. 

PAGING DOCTOR FELL…DOCTOR FELL, WE NEED AN ANATOMY TEXTBOOK AT HAUS OF KLAUS, STAT.

Klaus at least has a grasp of physics and recommends she hang Damon upside down.  Bex, however, has to do things her way, so Klaus just sort of shrugs and leaves her to it.

Have I mentioned how much I missed Klaus?  I really hope he doesn’t die.  He’s just so fun to watch.

Klaus strides into another room where we see his witch – Bonnie, of course, completely devoid of hair care products.  She looks like hell.  Klaus menaces her quite convincingly toward doing an unlinking spell – damn, these witches just leave their undo button laying around anywhere, don’t they? 

KLAUS:  Basically if you don’t do what I want, I’ll have my second douchiest brother kill the Littlest Gilbert, who you can now see in the screen of my Android 4G Mobile Phone, which can download an app in two seconds and holds all my music files.  Get the new Android today for only $299 plus activation fee!  All I have to do is tell Kol and he’ll murderfy your not boyfriend.

BONNIE:  ASSHOLE YOU ARE TOTALLY PLAYING ANGRY BIRDS.

Den of Antiquities

Now comes our regularly scheduled “Caroline is More Awesome Than You” moment.

Caroline brings Ric his Bong Water of Non Homicide, and Alaric tries to apologize for killing her father.  Caroline, however, is strangely philosophical about it – she feels that since she killed someone once, she can’t be judgy.  This is extremely mature of her, but can even Caroline be that mature? 

CAROLINE:  I’m taking a page from the Elena Gilbert handbook.

ALARIC:  Can we go by your handbook?  Because you know Elena’s book is like 87 chapters long and all of the chapters are called “People Who Want My Magical Hoo-Hah and Then Die Screaming.”

CAROLINE:  …my handbook it is.

Mystic Falls Square-type Area

Elena and Stefan get into an argument over whether they should kill Finn or rescue Damon.  Stefan claims Damon would want them to go ahead with the plan, and Elena claims that if the situation were reversed Damon would go barreling after Stefan and to hell with the plan.  Funny thing is they’re both right. 

Stefan came across kind of weird to me in this scene – kind of jumpy and erratic like a meth addict.  Then of course he stalks off, leaving Elena looking outraged.

Yeah, she so needs to get back on that ride.

Haus of Klaus, Torture Chamber

Damon’s looking pretty rough.  Elena just walks right down the hallway in a strange pool of light, which is not suspicious at all, and then rescues him…without anyone seeming to notice or care.  She then feeds him her blood, and I gotta admit it’s kind of hot.  They get really close to kissy business, at which point we know it’s fake.

Bad Rebekah!  Bad!

Back in the real world, Damon taunts Bex with psychoanalysis of her desperate need for attention, and she stabs him in the stomach, which is what I do when guys try to psychoanalyze me.  I’ve been through seven shrinks in the last year alone.

Over in the Witch Storage Area, Bonnie gets high-horsey with Klaus…um, Bon, not the best time to be self-righteous, okay?  Unless you can manage a Witchy migraine and teleport Jeremy out of Denver, you might want to not bait the homicidal bastard.

KLAUS:  I know you need our blood for the spell, and it just so happens I have bottles of each of us…sitting around in this day planner?

BONNIE:  Okay, I give up.  Anybody who has a binder made to hold bottles of blood is not going to blink first.

Mystic Grill

SAGE:  You’ve never had tequila?

FINN:  Wouldn’t you have known that since you know I was boxed for 900 years?  I didn’t have a wet bar in my coffin, you know.

SOME RANDOM ASSHAT:  Hi, Sage!  I happen to be a vampire you made about ten minutes ago for no real reason!  This may be important later!

FINN: We’re going to need more booze.

Sage commands Matt, who is not a waiter, to wait on her.  Stefan passes Matt a bottle of vervain extract. 

Haus of Klaus

Bonnie chants the same six words she always chants.

Back at the Grill Finn gives Sage shit for turning lots of vampires.  Stefan looks particularly dour, so we can infer that shenanigans are about to ensue.

Bonnie pours blood into a chalice and then onto the table. 

Opening the tomb took two Witches and the really powerful one died, remember?  But un-binding a bunch of Originals after a thousand year old Witch linked them only takes Bonnie, six words of Witch Latin, and Klaus glowering at her.

Mystic Grill

If you thought the taste of vervain would come through tequila, turns out you get the extra cookie.  Sage and Finn spit their tequila everywhere, and Sage spots Stefan waltzing meaningfully out of the bar, giving them a cheeky raised eyebrow, indicating he’s the one who did it.  The fact that he’s not trying to hide it ought to give her pause, but…eh, I’m on board with whatever it takes to get rid of these two.

So in some flipping-back-and-forth scenes, Bonnie finishes chanting and gets her witchy O face, meaning the spell is done.  Meanwhile Stefan attacks Finn but totally drops the damn stake. 

Elena and Matt burst out the Grill’s back door, and Elena shoots Finn with her giant crossbow, but it looks like a gut shot.  Then MATT DONOVAN FTMFW STAKES THE FUCK OUT OF FINN.

SAGE:  NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!

EVERYONE ELSE EVER:  YEEEEEEEEEESSSSSSSSSS!

Finn goes all veiny and then bursts into flame like Mikael did.

Haus of Klaus

Rebekah, wiping blood off her hands, sees Klaus escorting a slightly shell-shocked Bonnie out of the house.

Bonnie catches sight of Damon hanging in his chains all bloody and mangled. 

KLAUS:  You should go save him.  Since he turned your mother and all.

BONNIE:  There is a bus, Damon, and I am now throwing you under it.

Den of Antiquities

Stefan and Elena come home to a waiting Caroline, who tells them Alaric went home; they don’t know if their stakey business worked until they see Klaus dead.

Then Bonnie calls Elena to tell her that a) Klaus is not so much dead, b) she was forced to unlink the kids, and c) Damon’s in trouble.  She then pretty much loses her shit and sinks to the ground sobbing – long overdue, really.  I mean, Bonnie’s far from my favorite, but the girl’s been through some shit this season.  Her friends-and-family death toll is starting to look a lot like Elena’s.

Stefan borderline loses his shit too – enraged over Klaus dodging death AGAIN, he storms off to kill him despite Elena’s insistence that they need a new plan because Klaus is way stronger than Stefan.

Klaus was stronger than Stefan for the last plan too, you know. 

Caroline barely has time to get a one-liner off before the door flings open and Stefan is catapulted back in the house.

SAGE:  SAGE RHYMES WITH RAGE!

Sage, who has brought her random vampire minion, proceeds to lay a smackdown on Stefan…but midway through, she gets a nosebleed and starts coughing, whereupon

THE PLOT:  *twists*

The same thing starts happening to Random Guy, and in fact Sage looks like she’s bleeding a bit round the eyeballs.

She and Random gag and choke and vein out, and everyone watching the show gets it, but everyone on the show looks around like WTF?

After some dithering, Stefan’s the one to put two and two together. 

STEFAN:  They’re all from Finn’s bloodline.  So if an Original dies so do all their kids.

ELENA:  But that means if we kill them all, all of you die too!

LAW AND ORDER THEME:  BONK BONK!!!

Haus of Klaus

Damon is still hanging around, and sees Stefan walk in with the duffel full of stakes.  It would be really funny if the scene played out exactly like the Elena hallucination and it turned out Rebekah’s a total perv, but unfortunately it’s real.  Stefan has come to barter the bag o’stakes for Damon’s life.

KLAUS:  Is that all of them?

STEFAN:  Of course it is.  These are my sincere eyebrows.

KLAUS:  Yeah, I don’t think so.  Hey Damon!  Now that you’re compellable, tell me how many stakes there are!

DAMON:  More than that.

KLAUS:  Okay, now pull your hands through the bear traps and basically rip them off.

DAMON:  Cool.

Den of Antiquities

Elena tells Caroline there are still three stakes – they just have to figure out which Original not to kill.  The two discuss Caroline’s lineage, and trace it back as far as Rose before hitting a wall. 

ELENA:  Let’s just hope it’s not Klaus.  He needs to get dead.

CAROLINE:  *oh shit face*  Back that up a minute…we’re forgetting someone.

ELENA:  Tyler.  Damn it. This is going to be a problem for you, isn’t it.

Haus of Klaus

This bit is really gross, with the blood and the noises and all.  Then Klaus and Stefan get into it because…Klaus is such a good friend he made himself the object of all of Stefan’s hatred?  Klaus logic is not like our Earth logic.

Stefan throws himself at Klaus using the stake he had hidden in his jacket, but Klaus gives him Meaningful Eye Contact, which Stefan is powerless to resist.

Rebekah decides enough is enough and lets Damon loose, telling Stefan to bring the other two stakes or they’re dead, et cetera.  Klaus seconds the motion.

When we return, Klaus and Rebekah are alone, Klaus brooding over the table where Bonnie did the unlinking, Rebekah expressing disbelief that Finn’s really dead.  Klaus makes jabs at Finn’s memory, earning Bex’s outrage; she says that while the Salvatore brothers might rip each other a new one for all eternity, they’d still die for each other, and that’s what family’s all about, and Klaus obviously has no idea.

KLAUS:  Fine then, I’ll take my stakes and my Doppelganger and blow this one-horse town.

REBEKAH:  I think I’ll stay.

Klaus actually looks surprised and hurt that she wouldn’t continue to follow him around the world letting him insult her. 

Den of Antiquities

Now comes the Stefan-gives-Elena-an-ultimatum scene, and I really don’t like it.  He goes on about Klaus ruining his life and how he lost Elena and he wasted all that time hating Klaus and so forth.

Elena tries to convince him that it’s all Klaus’s fault but that Stefan came through it and isn’t it awesome to have learned this valuable lesson?  It comes off really trite, mostly because I think there are a few dozen people with their heads ripped off who might disagree with her. 

Then Stefan gets to the important part – the only consequence of his behavior that actually matters, losing Elena.  They both express their undying love, of course, but then Stefan basically wants her to work out all her complicated feelings RIGHT THEN to reassure him or some shit like that, and thank God, she can’t.  First of all, if Elena could just dismiss her feelings that would make her kind of an asshole (and a liar), and second of all, if a guy tried to pull that emotionally manipulative crap on me I’d knee him in the nuts and then go fuck his brother out of spite.

Again, Scorpio.

Alaric/Evilaric’s Lair

Damon arrives to collect the stake they left Alaric.  Alaric goes to dig it out…and it’s gone.

ALARIC:  I think my alter ego may be involved in this.  You guys did leave the ring with me, after all, and apparently wearing it overrides Bonnie’s Bong Water.

DAMON:  Your vampire hating alter ego has a stake that can kill a whole fuck ton of vampires including me?

ALARIC:  That’s about the size of it, yeah.  Muffin?

*TITLE CARD*