Welcome back, fellow addicts. We’re off to a roaring start for the downhill slide of the season, and there were definitely a few surprises.

This episode’s promotion was pretty misleading, it turns out. Based on the hype you’d have thought it was going to be 50 minutes of Sage boxing and Damon in silly hats.

What we got was a little bit different. In fact, Sage’s actual role in things wasn’t that extensive; as I understand it she’ll be back, so I assume her presence here was more to establish her character than anything else.

As with all the flashback eps so far, this one was a little iffy to me. Like I’ve said, it’s really hard to handle flashbacks, both in books and onscreen – they interrupt the narrative and tend to lurch the emotional momentum to a halt. Maintaining emotional coherency in both storylines is like juggling chainsaws.

TVD has had quite a few flashback eps (compared to most other shows), some I’ve liked way more than others. This one lands somewhere in the middle – although the reveal of our Mystic Falls Serial Killer’s identity was certainly a curveball.

The Sepia-Tinted Mystic Falls of Yore

 So, a Forbes and a Salvatore are walking out of a bar…or something. What’s really important in this scene is that a) Forbeses have been Sheriffs before; b) someone on the Founder’s Council was murdered back then too.

FORBES: Be careful out there, Zachariah Salvatore. This town is dangerous right now on account of the killing.

ZACHARIAH: Has there ever, or will there ever be, a time when this town isn’t dangerous?

SERIAL KILLER: Nope. *stabbity*

The scene morphs into its modern equivalent, which is a really cool effect. I like it when they get clever with the cinematography.

Full-Color Days of Now, Mystic Falls Jail

 Liz and Carol Lockwood argue about the serial killer, which conveniently enables them to catch us up on what’s been going on since every time they have a hiatus on this show we forget like half the plotlines. Carol demands to know who Liz has in custody, revealing…

…Alaric waking up in a cell.

ALARIC: Wait…this doesn’t look like the drunk tank.

*TITLE CARD*

When we return, Liz and Damon and Ric are debating whether or not Meredith is a credible witness, given that she shot Ric and so forth. Liz argues that the evidence isn’t really in Ric’s favor…largely based on what Meredith has told her.

DAMON: I’ll get to the bottom of this.

LIZ: Aw hell no. Every time you hatch a plan we end up losing a guest star.

DAMON, leaving: Fear not, my boo, I shall avenge thee!

Outside Somewhere

Elena and Matt are now jogging buddies, but it looks more like Elena’s sprinting – she’s going to end up with shin splints, and then how will she break furniture over her leg?

MATT: You can’t outrun your problems, Elena. See what I did there? And I talked to Bonnie.

AUDIENCE: Oh, right…Bonnie’s mom. We totally forgot (to care) about her.

ELENA: Did Bonnie leave any kind of opening for this to be about me?

MATT: Not really. Caroline’s helping Abby vamp out, so none of them are in this episode.

ELENA: But it’s all my fault, Matt. Abby wouldn’t have gotten dead if Damon weren’t obsessed with me. MY MAGICAL RAINBOW LADY PARTS ARE TO BLAME. I have guilt.

MATT (actual dialogue): You’re going to make me run more, aren’t you.

Elena’s phone rings; the Sheriff informs her that this time, rather than driving off a bridge, being sacrificed in a ritual, or dropping dead of magic, her guardian is a murder suspect, which is a new one on her. Elena makes a beeline for the jail, and unfortunately runs into someone she really doesn’t want to deal with:

DAMON: Ric’s fine, and I’ve got my snark on.

ELENA: I should totally bait you about killing Abby, then.

DAMON: *is hilarious, so much so that I won’t recount his quips because you just have to see them, but the best part is he cares about as much about Abby as the rest of us do*

Elena gives him some line about how if he keeps pushing people away he’ll end up alone…as if he hasn’t been wandering the earth that way for 160 years. She flounces off.

Salvatore Den of Antiquities

Stefan is a bit on edge, tapping his ring on the desk and spinning a pen. Shouldn’t he be drinking coffee? Back in season 1 he told Vicki that coffee was good for cravings.

DAMON: “Dear Diary…today I was pompous and my sister was crazy. It was the best day ever.”

STEFAN: What the hell kind of reference was that?

DAMON: Watch more TV, dude. And while you’re at it help me solve this murder thing. You know, for great justice. Let’s look through your diaries since this same kind of thing happened back in 1912 when we inexplicably returned to MF for Zachariah’s funeral.

Sepia-Tinted Mystic Falls of Yore

We are treated to a Stefan-diary voiceover as the scene fades in on the funeral, right outside the Salvatore crypt.

He is approached by two well-turned-out lasses: Mariana Lockwood and Samantha Gilbert.

STEFAN: I know you’ve never met me or anything, but how about spilling the deets of Zachariah’s death?

SAMANTHA: He was murdered. Only it was really different from the last ten times lots of people were murdered around here – this time it’s Founding Families, so it MATTERS.

CROW: O HAI.

STEFAN: Oh boy.

DAMON: Behold my jaunty hat.

STEFAN: What is it with you and the flashback hats? Why don’t I ever get a flashback hat?

DAMON: These hats are the only thing keeping my flashback hair from destroying the world.

STEFAN: We should get a drink.

DAMON: How about we don’t, since you basically damned me for all eternity and I’m just not into you?

STEFAN: But I’m a reformed bloodaholic now, brother. If we go drinking and catch up it won’t be awkward at all.

I’m sure this is all very heartfelt, but I’m too busy laughing my ass off at the grave the camera pans over, which belongs to MYRTLE CORNBLATT.

Present Day Den of Antiquities

DAMON: Let’s go drinking.

STEFAN: Oh, fine.

Mystic Grill

Rebekah is grilling Carol Lockwood about the local flora in order to find out about a 700 year old tree. Carol does not seem to find this at all strange. I’m rather intrigued by the idea that the women of MF used to keep detailed records of, like, every tree in town. See that, ladies? You don’t need rights or jobs! You can COUNT TREES! Just like the Lorax!

Damon and Stefan walk in, and Damon and Rebekah exchange a rather sultry come-hither look.

CAROL: All the logging mills back in Yore were owned by the Salvatores.

REBEKAH: *gears up her feminine wiles*

DAMON (to Stefan): What do a medical examiner, Bill Forbes, and Alaric have in common?

STEFAN: Appalling taste in women?

DAMON: You know…every time you try to quit people juice cold turkey you end up going off the rails. Maybe it’s time for a different method?

This will not be the last time he makes this suggestion, or the last time Stefan ignores it, despite the fact that Damon is 100% right; Stefan’s black-or-white mentality has never worked out well for him. He was doing pretty well when he was getting little sips of blood at a time, building up a tolerance – it was the closest thing to a workable plan he’s had for his little problem, in the absence of a quippy blonde to tie him to a chair.

REBEKAH: Check out my wiles. They’re C-cups.

Mystic Falls Jail

Alaric tries again to convince Liz that he’s innocent; Liz again has a lot of he said/she said evidence from Meredith. Liz brings up Alaric’s 2am call to Meredith, which Alaric still can’t remember, and then asks if he has an alibi for the night the dickbag ME died. Alaric claims he was at the fundraiser, but his alibi doesn’t fit the time of death. Man, if Meredith is setting him up, she did a damn good job of lining up the dominoes.

Mystic Grill

Rebekah, who was listening to the boys’ conversation about 1912, wants to know who exactly Zachariah was. We find out that Papa Salvatore was getting it on with one of the housemaids, leaving Zachariah the only relative to inherit.

REBEKAH: So he was born in the 1860s and died 50 years later…wow, he aged well. In the flashback he didn’t look fifty. But it’s plausible, so we’ll let it go.

DAMON: I know why you’re really here – you’re looking for another canter on this Italian stallion.

STEFAN: I just threw up a little.

REBEKAH: Did they ever catch the killer back in 1912?

DAMON: Nope. They blamed it on vampires.

Both brothers apparently suspected each other, but Damon concluded that stabbity wasn’t Stefan’s style, and since there weren’t any other vamps in town back then–

STEFAN: What about Sage?

 Yore

Damon and Stefan are drinking – I know, it shocked the hell out of me too – and wander toward a circus-looking tent where a boxing match is going down between a buxom redhead and some dude.

BUXOM REDHEAD: $100 to any man who can beat me!

STEFAN, to Damon: I can teach you my bunny-sucking ways. You can be angsty too, you know.

DAMON: Sorry, wasn’t listening. Buxom redhead.

Said redhead attempts Flirtus Maximus on Damon, but at this point he was still all floppy over Katherine, so he shoots her down. She responds by tucking a hundred-dollar bill in his pants…as one does.

Mystic Grill

REBEKAH: I knew Sage. I hated her.

DAMON: Somehow I don’t find that at all surprising. Stef, do you really think Sage might have been the killer?

STEFAN: Why not? I mean, besides the fact that vampires generally don’t kill people with knives or leave all the blood in the body (or on the ground). Nobody ever asked if it might be a woman.

Outside Mystic Falls General

Elena confronts Meredith about her duplicity, but Meredith is sticking to her story – in fact, she berates Elena for not knowing anything about who Alaric really is, then recounts several events from his history that make him sound unstable.

ELENA: But…researching someone’s entire life when you’re not law enforcement…that’s totally normal.

MEREDITH: RIC BAD. And by the way, dating vampires totally ruins your credibility.

ELENA: Actually wouldn’t it give me a finely tuned sense of who to trust and how to read people?

MEREDITH: Girl, I’m new on this show and I know that’s bullshit!

Back at the Bar

Rebekah keeps angling for info on trees, but Damon shuts her down and he and Stefan leave the bar for the nearby dartboard.

Meredith’s Apartment

Matt and Elena break in looking for evidence that will clear Alaric. Elena reasons that since Meredith’s a Fell, she’s probably got some kind of hidden bunker or information-loaded crawlspace about.

Sure enough, they find a file box behind a false wall in the coat closet.

MATT: Should we maybe take this and leave?

ELENA: No, we’ve got plenty of time to just hang out and go through it all now.

Mystic Grill

Stefan drinks, Damon plays darts, and Rebekah will not be deterred. Rebekah wants to know why Stefan’s so bitchy.

DAMON: He’s on a cleanse. You know how those enemas sting.

REBEKAH: He was so much more fun in the 20s.

They make fun of Stefan’s self-righteousness – Damon brings out one of Stefan’s old diaries in which Stef wrote at length about how hopeless Damon was. The two of them reading out parts of the diary is really funny. It also underscores what I hate about Good Stefan, and how sad I’m going to be to see him return.

Yore

 Damon slurps off a girl, not noticing Sage lurking in the background.

SAGE: You really suck at this. Pun intended. Where’s your love for the chase? Why be a vampire if you’re not going to enjoy it?

DAMON: Well, I didn’t really become one on purpose, so…fuck off. I’ve got a girlfriend, too, and she’s absolutely not fucking me over as we speak.

SAGE: The whole purpose of women is to be seduced. If they won’t let you, then you can get rapey.

DAMON: But…you’re a woman. Does that mean you have Sapphic tendencies? Or are you just having trouble adjusting to being turned into a girl by the writers?

SAGE: Over there, that’s the one you want.

She points out Samantha Gilbert, then stands back to watch her protégée at work.

Now

REBEKAH: Yep, that sounds like Sage.

DAMON: How did you know her?

REBEKAH: She had a squish on for my brother Finn.

DAMON: Ewwww…that one? Why couldn’t she have a thing for Klaus like the rest of us do?

STEFAN: Say what?

DAMON:  I SAID, why couldn’t she play cat and mouse with a guy named Stu?

Stefan has resumed his tapping and twirling, and Damon calls him out on it, demanding that he admit he’s fiending for blood. Stefan snarls at him that he could eat the entire waitstaff, and stalks off.

Meredith’s Apartment

Elena and Matt go through the file box some more instead of taking it and running. This should work out great.

MATT: Hey, look, she’s got one of the Gilbert journals. Oh, look – this coroner’s report changes the ME’s time of death to exonerate Alaric.

*keys rattle*

ELENA: OH SHIT I HAD NO IDEA THIS MIGHT HAPPEN.

They hide in the closet while Meredith arrives, changes out of her work clothes, and seems to leave, whereupon they open the closet door.

MEREDITH: This is my angry face.

Mystic Falls Jail

LIZ: Are you kidding me with this shit?

ELENA: …sorry.

LIZ: Thank you for rendering that entire box of evidence inadmissible, by the way. Also? Meredith gave me a copy of that coroner’s report earlier, and we’re about to let Alaric go. You’re welcome.

Streets of Mystic Falls

As Stefan stalks off, Damon and Rebekah follow, discussing Stefan’s blood habit and how he’s spent his life bouncing from one extreme to the other. Damon decides to take matters into his own fangs.

He grabs a nearby girl, compels her to not freak out, and bites the hell out of her. The slurping and grunting attracts Stefan (he must be interesting in bed) and he runs over to stop Damon.

As you might expect, the sight of the girl oozing like a Capri Sun revs his engines quite a bit.

DAMON: Drink the nice pretty blonde, Stefan, or the mean pretty blonde will rip her head off, and you’ll have an innocent life on your hands.

STEFAN: Dude, we’re never going to get on Intervention with methods like this.

Of course, Stefan caves, and Damon watches him feed with almost too much enjoyment – I can practically hear the slash being written as we speak. Stefan nearly kills the girl, and Damon has to pry him off.

And double of course, Stefan is all bloody faced and gross when Elena and Matt come around the corner, so she gets to look all freaked out, even though it’s hardly the first time oh and by the way HE SPENT MONTHS RIPPING PEOPLE’S BODIES APART but of course now that he’s felt guilty for a week we can forget about all of that.

Without bothering to wipe his mouth, Stefan stumbles off to the Slough of Despond, making sure to glare at Damon so we all know whose fault this is.

Y’know, I’ve heard people compare Stefan’s addiction to alcoholism and say that alcoholics can’t just “drink a little”, but there is a major difference here. It’s not like giving up beer, it’s like giving up FOOD. The reason he’s never been able to stay on the wagon is that there’s no room on the wagon for vampires. Blood is the one thing he can’t live without, and clearly the bunny diet is not sustainable, so one way or another he’s got to make peace with it and figure out a way to live.

Gilbert House

Elena and Matt have coffee in really big cups.

MATT: I don’t get why you have such a thing for these two.

ELENA: Well at first, Stefan was awesome because he’d never die like my parents did. Unless someone staked him, or he got caught in the sun without his ring, or his head got cut off, or he got heartsnatched, or poisoned by a werewolf bite…but you get the idea.

MATT: What about Damon?

ELENA: Dude, have you SEEN Damon?

MATT: Point taken. He’s dreamy.

ELENA: This conversation is weird, isn’t it.

MATT: A little.

Matt makes it fairly clear that he’s still carrying a torch for Elena, then pulls out the Gilbert journal that Meredith had in her box of evidence.

MATT: Nobody pays attention to me because I’m the only human left on this show and I’m invisible. And since I live on hot dogs and have no insurance, I’m thinking of taking up a life of crime.

I honestly expected Elena to feed him some dumbass “You’ll never be invisible to me” line, but thank God, she doesn’t.

Just then, who should come home but a disheveled Alaric. Elena all but flings herself at him, hugging him tight, and Alaric’s facial expression is somewhere between “This situation is terrible” and “I’m so glad to be home so I can protect you” and “My goodness, your butt is round.”

Salvatore Den of Antiquities

Stefan is brooding. Take a shot.

DAMON: Well, Ric’s out of jail, so it’s all good…and you did great tonight with the not-killing-people thing. You get a gold star.

STEFAN: Why do you even care? Go back to hating me – I don’t need your help.

DAMON: Are you kidding me? Don’t you remember what happened back in 1912 when I tried to help you?

 …And We’re Back in Yore Again

Damon basically gives Stefan the same line that Sage was giving him about eating people, and it works just as well on Stefan. They zero in on Mariana Lockwood, who doesn’t seem terribly bereaved over the loss of her friend Samantha…but then, is this all the same night? That seems like kind of a stretch.

We jump over to Stefan feeding on the girl, being as messy and noisy as Bad Stefan always is, but before Damon can stop him, he rips her head clean fucking off.

Both brothers look shocked. I guess they weren’t trying to kill her? With the language Sage and Damon used in these scenes I thought killing people was the point.  But I suppose it’s one thing to drink a Coke and another thing to actually pop the top off the can.

Stefan flips out and starts apologizing to the corpse, which is quite effectively creepy.

Damon, in voice-over, tells Stefan that after that he was on a Ripper binge for a decade.

Now

DAMON: I let you walk away that time, but I’m not going to now.

They share a very touching brother moment without actually expressing affection, and Damon declares his intent to stick with Stefan as long as it takes to make him sane again.

STEFAN: Why?

DAMON: Right now you’re all I’ve got.

And that day, Stefan was amazed to discover that when Damon said “You’re all I’ve got,” what he really meant was “I love you.”

Gilbert House

Elena reads the purloined journal. Alaric offers to make coffee, but she says she’s going to bed soon.

ALARIC: By the way…thank you for all the Scooby stuff you were doing…but don’t do it again.

ELENA: But you’re pretty much my only family, Ric. We have to take care of each other. And this statement will in no way come back to bite me on the ass.

ALARIC: Ahem…so…anything good in that journal?

ELENA: Well, I thought it was one of Jonathan Gilbert’s, but I think it was his granddaughter Samantha’s. She went just as nuts as he did before she died.

ALARIC: Hey, crazy runs in the family! Lucky you!

Den of Antiquities

Damon is PLAYING THE PIANO. What, did they think Ian wasn’t sexy enough already? They had to kill us all?

STEFAN: I dug around in our old records from the 1900s, and I found something odd. Ten years after the murders someone confessed.

DAMON: Who?

STEFAN: Samantha Gilbert. Right before she got put away in the nuthouse.

DAMON: …

STEFAN: Why so squinchy-faced?

DAMON: I kind of killed her. What the hell?

Gilbert House

A knock at the door.

MEREDITH: Let me explain.

ALARIC: How about not?

MEREDITH: Wait, I forged that coroner’s note to get you out of jail. You have to let me explain.

We change rooms to see Elena reading the journal in bed, frowning as the entries make less and less sense and the handwriting gets worse and worse. CRAZY LADY handwriting, you know. We all have it.

One of the few lines that are legible, which Samantha reads in voice-over, is “I’m losing time.”

Elena’s expression starts to change.

Den of Antiquities

STEFAN: So Samantha Gilbert was running around town killing people after you killed her?

DAMON: She wasn’t a vampire, but…she was a Gilbert. She must’ve had one of those magic rings.

STEFAN: But Jonathan only made two rings. Jeremy has one, and the other…

Gilbert House

Meredith reiterates that the murders were committed with Alaric’s weapons, and Alaric begins to scroll through scenes of the murders…including the attack on him.

ALARIC: But I got stabbified!

MEREDITH: With your own knife, at an angle that could have been self-inflicted.

ALARIC: I would know if I was out killing people!

MEREDITH: Would you? What about all those blackouts? The Gilbert ring has turned you into a crazy-ass Council killer. You’re sick, and I want to help – the same thing happened 100 years ago…

Alaric takes all of this in, horror dawning on his face, and has to sit down.

Meredith notices Elena has joined them, and probably expects her to jump in with the denials, but Elena has read the journal and agrees with her.

Yore

We flash back to Zachariah walking home again, only this time, the stabbity is revealed to come from Samantha Gilbert, whose death-defying ring shows prominently on her right hand.

*TITLE CARD*

THE ENTIRE FANDOM: …

(Right before exploding into about 80 different reactions, most of which involve “DON’T KILL ALARIC!” or some iteration of “Damon’s going to be heartbroken!” But since we found out earlier in the week that Matt Davis has another pilot in the works, even though he can probably manage both, it’s likely that his role here will at least be reduced. Probably involving a mental institution.)

You guys, this episode. I just don’t know.  Apparently there’s a lot of that going around over this one.  I’m not too upset about it because with all the rocking awesome TVD gives us, an occasional lackluster episode isn’t the end of the world, but…well, let’s see.

SPOILERS AND BITCHERY AHOY.

Can we PLEASE stop having brother discussions about who “gets” Elena when she’s not even in the room?  Does she not have a say?  For all their talk about Elena making her own choices, there sure does seem to be a lot of “who gets to keep the puppy?” between those two.

Oh, and Elena:  YOU DON’T HAVE TO PICK ONE.  You can be single, at least long enough to graduate high school or, say, make it a week without a disaster.  I promise your lady parts won’t grow shut if you don’t use them for a while.  Four words, honey:  Good Vibrations Dot Com.

This ep just left me with a really questionable taste in my mouth, kind of like when you think you’re drinking Coke and it turns out it’s Pepsi, and at first it’s almost okay, but then you want to spit everywhere.

There were definitely things I liked – I loved Damon throwing himself under the bus for his brother without even hesitating, and I loved Elijah’s scene in the woods with Elena as well as his internal conflict over survival and family versus what’s right.

And while I don’t really want Caroline to get with Klaus, their scenes together are fabulous – I love how in the presence of this one girl Klaus acts like a boy, and I think we get a glimpse of the actual person underneath 1000 years of evil.  Caroline brings that out in people, though; something about her honesty cuts through people’s bullshit and makes them willingly show their vulnerable sides.

On the other hand, the whole ritual thing was…did anyone else feel like it was over way too fast, and with way too little emotional heft given all the time this season that’s been put into that damn coffin?  And suddenly there’s another tree out there that can bring about the Originalpocalypse?  Where the hell did that come from?  And if Esther had a way to make her kids human again, why did she need to kill them?  Why not just let them be mortal? Surely the hell of dealing with Social Security in their old age rights the balance of nature?

Okay, enough bitching.  On to the recap.

 Gilbert House

In a rather Season 1 musical montage, we see Elena waking up and calling Stefan…why, I’m not sure, but she “has to talk to him.”  Then she calls Damon for what is apparently the tenth time, only he picks up.

DAMON:  McShaggy’s House of Naked.  How may I upset you today?

ELENA:  Look, I know I was bitchy to you last night what with the barbed comment and the having your spine broken and all, but…get over it.

DAMON:  Whatevs.

Den of Antiquities

Damon is, of course, in bed with Rebekah after their night of tasty vampire shagging.  Rebekah gets her ball gown back on (wait, she doesn’t keep a change of clothes and toothbrush in her cleavage?) and the two do the whole “let’s not make a big deal of this” thing walking to the door, which of course means Elena’s on the other side.

ELENA:  *blink*  GET YO BLONDE ASS AWAY FROM MY…I mean, clearly she must have compelled you into this.

DAMON:  Nope.  Believe it or not, not everything is about you.

EVERYTHING:  *is totally, always about Elena*

Elena is angry that Damon slept with Rebekah after Rebekah came after her, then turns right around and is angry that he’s not upset that Esther plans to kill all her kids, Rebekah included.  Damon, however, is solidly on the side of “YAY!” when it comes to Esther’s plan.

ELENA:  But Elijah’s nice, and moral, whatever that means to a vampire.  How can we just let him die too?

STEFAN:  By not getting in the way.
The brothers are of one mind on the subject, so Elena storms off to fuck everything up. 

Meanwhile, at the Haus of Klaus…

Elijah snoops in Esther’s room and finds her sage wand, which as we all know is only used for one thing:  privacy spells.  Since white sage doesn’t grow in the Georgia climate and there’s no way in hell Esther used it when she was human, she must’ve studied up on modern Witchcraft in one hella hurry.

Downstairs, Kol, who I have decided I hate, slut-shames Rebekah for daring to have consensual sex with an adult.  She basically throws a shoe at him.  Aside from Kol being a snotty little jackass, the scene is really cute, very authentic in the sibling-snark.

KOL:  Nik, come cause havoc with me.

KLAUS:  Busy drawing Caroline, sorry.

KOL:  But I can guilt you into anything with that whole daggered-in-a-box thing you did.

KLAUS:  Yeah, I’m starting to think dropping your coffin in the ocean would have been a better plan after all.

The boys leave to go day drinking, and Rebekah runs into Elijah, who is “concerned” about their mother’s motivations.

REBEKAH:  I’m going to be delightfully naïve about this even though she’s been dead for 1000 years and acts about as trustworthy as, well, us.

Caroline’s House

It took me a minute to figure out the location for this scene, since the girls’ bedrooms are pretty similar, but all the trophies on the dresser clinch it.

ELENA:  …and Damon was all gloating and shirtless and…

BONNIE:  Am I waving this thing around right?

ELENA:  I don’t know, Esther’s had more smoke.

CAROLINE:  *pokes her head in the door*  It’s not working, guys.  Did you try Wingardium Leviosa?

BONNIE:  Speaking of Esther, she wants me and Abby to help her off her children.  She’s sucking power from the Bennett bloodline, which we’re okay with for some reason.

ELENA:  But we can’t kill Elijah!  We’d have a fan uprising on our hands!

CAROLINE:  The hell we can’t!

BONNIE:  Yeah, given the body count they’ve all stacked up just in the last season, and multiply that times a thousand years, one of them being suave doesn’t really justify screwing up the whole plan.  Plus, if Klaus lives, he can use you to make more hybrids, who will kill lots of people.

ELENA:  But it DOESN’T FEEL RIGHT TO ME.  I have to go fuck this up.  Excuse me.

Den of Antiquities

Stefan and Damon argue…sort of…about Elena screwing up the plan, and Stefan is pissy about Damon hooking up with Rebekah, even though, as Damon points out, this means Stefan has a clear run at Elena.  It’s one of those “well then neither of us gets her!” conversations that sets my teeth on edge, as I mentioned earlier.

I also find it hard to believe that all Elena has to do is say one thing Damon doesn’t want to hear and suddenly he’s able to just blow her off – sure, he lashes out in a rather psychopathic way when prodded, but it doesn’t jive with how he’s been acting toward her this season.  They’ve had a solid, believable progression in their friendship, but much like Stefan’s wonderful villainy early on, we seem to be regressing Damon’s character with very little justification.

Stefan meanwhile doesn’t take the glass of blood Damon offers him, so we can infer he’s off the people juice again – even though we haven’t seen any withdrawal like last time, and even though both he and Lexi claimed it would take years for him to sober up after a Rippah Bender.  Wow, Elena’s lady parts really DO have magical powers!  Rainbow wings can’t be far behind.

Gilbert House

Elena answers the door.

ELIJAH:  Will you take an ill-advised drive into the woods with me?  There will be no shenanigans.

ELENA:  How did you know I love going into the woods with vampires?  You’re so thoughtful!

Out in the woods, Elijah totally calls her on her lying about Esther, and shenanigans naturally ensue.  He impressively stomps his foot through the ground, opening up a hole into the tunnels below, and stows Elena there.

Den of Antiquities/Mystic Grill

Phone call:  Damon is looking for Elena, and Alaric is having lunch with Meredith (meaning he’s drinking).

ALARIC:  Elena told me all about your little sleepover.

DAMON:  She’s telling you about my sex life now?  You guys are creeping me out, seriously.

ALARIC:  Despite the fact that I’ve been helping you guys try to kill Klaus this whole time, I’m okay with Elena fucking up the plan, mostly because it irritates you.

In the middle of discussing Alaric’s medical tests and how they didn’t show anything useful about whoever stabbed him, he and Meredith are interrupted by the arrival of Klaus and Kol, looking to party.

KOL:  *makes eyes at Meredith*

MEREDITH:  Ew.  What are you, like, twelve?

So far Meredith is an interesting character – she seems totally unimpressed by the vampires, even the Originals, which if I recall correctly lines up well with her character in the first few books; we know so little about her, though, she’s still a huge question mark.  She knew about vampires, and it seemed like she had used vamp blood to heal someone before, so…what vampires besides ours has she dealt with?

Out at the Moldy Mansion

Bonnie and Abby arrive at the Witch House where Esther kind of gushes about how wonderful it is to suck power from their bloodline.  Witches sure don’t hang onto their own power very well, do they?

Esther’s flowery dialogue makes it sound like she capitalizes every word.

ESTHER:  Come, My Sisters, We Shall Undo This Nasty Nasty Badness I Made, Using Your Power Entirely, For You Are A Complete Bloodline of Most Worthy Awesomeness, And My Children Are Assholes, Except Finn Who Is Kind Of Creepy And Elijah, Who Is Moral.

BENNETTS:  *are totally on board with this even though they know zilch about what exactly the spell entails, what it will do to them, who else it might effect, or even what props are involved.*

Den of Antiquities

Elijah issues an ultimatum:  the Brothers must stop Esther from doing her ritual, or Rebekah, over in the caverns, will kill Elena.

ELIJAH:  But you have until 9:06, because after all, I’m the moral one.

DAMON:  You keep using that word. I do not think it means what you think it means.

STEFAN:  There’s only one place they ever go to do Witchcraft around here, and you’ve been there, so why don’t you go take care of it yourself?

ELIJAH:  If they see me coming they’ll know something’s up, unlike later in the episode where they see me coming and know something’s up but it doesn’t matter.  You need to break the Bennett bloodline to stop Esther from being able to channel them all, so, off you go, kill yourselves a Bennett.

AUDIENCE:  ABBY!  KILL ABBY! FOR THE LOVE OF GOD!

Off in the Tunnels of Terror

Rebekah is more than a little put out at the situation, and voices her amazement on behalf of the audience that everyone in the damned town is willing to saunter happily into hell for Elena.  Elena puts the blame off on Esther and is all, “Your mom doesn’t hate you, she just thinks you’re an abomination against nature and have to die.”

Den of Antiquities

Stefan stares into the basement freezer where they keep the blood bags, acts like he’s going to drink one, doesn’t drink one, yadda yadda struggle angst yadda.

DAMON:  Hey, why don’t we just dagger one of the Originals?

STEFAN:  Because the daggers kill any vampire using them.

DAMON:  Hey, why don’t we just have Alaric dagger one of the Originals?

Mystic Grill

The plan:  divide and conquer, meaning lure Klaus away from Kol.  The lure is Caroline – so, everyone already figured out that Klaus is into her?  That was fast.

Klaus, all puppy like and cute, tries to get Caroline to hang out with him, even just to sit on a bench and talk.  Joseph Morgan sells Puppy Klaus with surprising ease – he’s put enough nuance into the character that while it’s a bit strange to see him acting this way, it doesn’t ring false.

CAROLINE:  So if I sit down and talk to you, even though you fucked up Tyler’s free will and everyone’s lives, you won’t suspect a thing?

KLAUS:  Girl pretty.

The Moldy Mansion

Abby is skeptical that Finn would just sacrifice himself to kill his family, but Finn doesn’t seem to have attended the same School of Freakish Loyalty that the others have, so it’s all good.

The Grill

Kol tries to get all up on Meredith.  She is clearly, and quite rightly, squicked out.

KOL:  Fine, then.  Assault it is.

ALARIC:  Okay!  *daggers the fuck out of him*

All over town, Originals start going veiny and dropping, except Klaus, who feels woozy and immediately figures out Caroline is involved in something hinky.

As Alaric drags Kol out into the alley, the Brothers arrive just in time for Klaus to administer a beatdown.

KLAUS:  I should have killed you long ago!

DAMON:  That’s what your mom said.

KLAUS:  I WILL KEEEEEEL YOU.

ELIJAH:  No you won’t.  We need him…for something.  I don’t know what.  Shirtlessness, perhaps.

Back in the caves, Elena takes advantage of Rebekah’s temporary vicarous bedaggering and books it, but ends up blundering into the cave where the empty coffin and all the cave paintings are.

Elena delivers a very impressive backwards head-butt and shakes Rebekah off, reaching the cave, which is anti-vamped, so she’s safe…right?

Rebekah, however, is kind of an evil genius, and I kind of love her for it.

Meredith’s Apartment

Yay, a new set!  Alaric, freshly broken from his beatdown, groans on the couch, and Meredith fusses over him.  They end up holding hands.  It’s quite adorable.

Out in the Woods, Damon’s Car

The Brothers have a Moment.

DAMON:  Elena’s going to be so pissed.

STEFAN:  She would totally let herself get killed for her friends.  Except someone would save her – do you think that’s why she’s got such a martyr complex, because she knows nobody’s ever going to really let her die?  That’s kind of twisted.

DAMON:  Well, in reality, she only has to hate one of us – one of us can off the Witches and take all the blame.

They flip a coin to see who will be Murder Guy this time.  We don’t see the result, just Stefan looking grim.

The Original Batcave

Rebekah returns with a FUCKING GAS CAN and sloshes gasoline all over Elena, the cave, everything, without having to enter the cave herself.  She then starts tossing matches.  This is quite possibly the cleverest thing ever.

ELENA:  Um…I throw +1 Wacked-out Logic to convince you not to burn me alive!

REBEKAH:  I counter with +2 Not Giving a Shit.

ELENA:  But if you kill me you won’t get to torment me and draw out your revenge!   What if you survive the night?

REBEKAH:   Hmm.

The Moldy Mansion Front Yard Pentagram

Finn senses the others are coming.  Panicking, Esther sends the Bennetts into the house where the Witch Spirits will protect them.

The Original boys aren’t very happy with either Finn or Esther, but as long as she’s in the magic circle they can’t hurt her.  Esther gives them the whole “I have to kill you” rigmarole and yet somehow that doesn’t smooth things over.

Inside the house, Abby sees something shiny and wanders off from Bonnie, so you know she’s done for.

BONNIE:  Stefan, what are you doing here?

STEFAN:  Three guesses.

BONNIE:  Elena’s in danger, right?  But I can’t stop Esther from channeling us!

STEFAN:  Yes…and…

BONNIE:  Aw, shit.  You’re going to kill me.

STEFAN:  Well, I’d love to, but even if you’re dead Esther can still gank your magic from beyond the grave, so the only way to interrupt your bloodline is to make one of you not a Witch anymore.

DAMON:  Hey Abby, let’s make you useful for a minute.  Slurp my wrist.  *NECK KERSNAP*

Outside, the jig is up.

ESTHER:  No, My Sisters, Do Not Abandon Me!  Because You Totally Have A Choice Here!  No?  Oh Well, Fuck It, Finn, Let’s Haul Ass.

The fire goes out.  Esther and Finn have vanished.

Time for the Musical Montage!

Bonnie sits beside Abby, teary-eyed, holding her hand.  At the front door, Caroline bars Elena from coming inside; Bonnie doesn’t want to see her.

ELENA:  But she’s always been there for me – I have to be there for her!  Whether she wants it or not!  My way!

CAROLINE:  Bonnie loves you, so she’s not mad at you for not being dead, she just needs you to go away and let her deal with this.  Bonnie’s suffering is great, for the woman she barely knows is in transition and she’s always the one who gets hurt.

ELENA: …really? I’ve still got the fewest parents around here, you know!  I’m down by four and my guardian dies in every episode!  Oh my god, she’s not going to get all bitchy and anti-vampire again, is she?

CAROLINE:  Yeah, bye.

Bless Caroline, yet again – she’s in a really tough position, but she manages to hold things together and be fair to both her friends.

Den of Antiquities

Damon washes his hands in a conspicuously soapdish-free bathroom.

STEFAN:  Why did you turn Abby when I’m the one who lost the coin toss?

DAMON:  Because I know you haven’t been drinking human blood, and you want to be Old Boring Stefan again, and I’m tired of being nice anyway, so, congratulations, you get to keep the puppy.

So…now that Damon has chosen Stefan’s happiness over Elena, can we call it even for Stefan choosing to save Damon over being with Elena?

Gilbert House

Elena finds a note on her bed from Elijah.

ELIJAH (voiceover):  Dear Elena, the shining light of your rainbow unicorn hoo-ha has thrown into sharp relief the non-shininess of my own behavior, and I shall live with the regret forever.

Haus of Klaus

Elijah himself is staring forlornly out the window when Rebekah returns, looking frustrated and tired of the whole mess.

ELIJAH:  I’m a terrible person.

REBEKAH:  But you’re a great vampire!

ELIJAH:  Exactly the problem.

Next room over, Klaus is burning his drawings of Caroline.  He, too, seems tired and defeated rather than happy to be alive.

KLAUS:  Are you leaving too?

REBEKAH:  You’re pretty much all I’ve got.  Oh, and by the way, there’s another white oak tree that can kill us.

KLAUS:  Who in the what now?

REBEKAH:  See here on my cell phone video?  Those cave paintings show natives worshipping at a tree 300 years after we burned the first one.  It must have had a tree baby.

KLAUS:  You’re kidding me with this shit.

But Wait, There’s More!

Alaric wakes on Meredith’s couch; she’s asleep in the other room.  After popping a pain pill he starts snooping, as one does–there’s a pile of files and papers on the table, and his own name catches his eye.  He finds his own medical file, one on Bill Forbes, and the dead ME…and then he finds the knife used to kill them, wrapped up and left on the table, which is totally where I keep my serial killer weapons.

MEREDITH:  Oh, hey, have you been killed this episode?

ALARIC:  Well, I–

*gunshot*

AUDIENCE:  So…that happened.

You know, for a show with so much sexual tension, very little actual sexing occurs on TVD, and I for one am prepared to Twitter rant at Kevin and Julie about it! In fact I shall offer death threats and impugn their honor, for I, as a fan, am entitled to exactly what I want!

Just kidding. I’m going to watch the show and enjoy how impossible everything seems so that those little moments of awesome are more satisfying, because a) that’s what makes it fun and b) I AM NOT A BRATTY LITTLE ASSHOLE.

Sorry, fandom, but I just don’t get it.  Yeah, there’s stuff on this show I don’t like. I want to smack Elena (in the head) almost as often as I want to smack Damon (on the ass).  But I’m in it for the long haul because this show is fantastic, and I have faith that even if things don’t go 100% how I want them to, they’ll be done well.

Once upon a time I was in love with a show called Bones, and I was very invested in the main pairing.  For several years I pined for them to hook up, but I knew as soon as it happened the dynamic would change, so part of me loved that tension, that edge of suffering that kept me coming back.  When the show really started to suck (to me) because I could no longer hang with the writing, it was painful, genuinely painful, to let it go.  I felt manipulated and dicked around by the writers.

Did I hurl abuse at them on Twitter? No, I did not.  I ranted to my co-fans, stopped watching the show, and found something else to love.  Because ultimately, IT WASN’T ABOUT ME.

I’m just so over this bullshit.  I’ve never met Julie or Kevin or any of the TVD writers in person, but just from Julie’s Twitter she seems like “my people,” and I really, really hate it when people are mean to my people.  Especially since I’ve been on the other end, receiving hateful emails and Tweets just because I wrote something that didn’t go the way someone wanted it to.

If you want to write a bad review, fine. That’s your right as a consumer.  Everybody’s gotta hate something, right? At least in America.  But a little courtesy toward the people who are bringing you something you supposedly love is not too much to ask.  If the show makes you that angry, you need therapy, not TV.

Ahem.  Sorry for the rant, on with the recap.

Mystic Falls General Hospital

(Also known as the Gilbert Vacation Home.)

Elena and Matt let us know that Alaric won’t be in this episode; he’s in the hospital for “observation,” which makes me wonder what other fetishes Meredith has, after that whole stabbity-palooza of last week’s episode. 

MATT:  I wonder who’s behind all of this? I sure hope it doesn’t turn out to be me, under some kind of compulsion.

ELENA:  Nah, it’s probably that shadowy figure in the other room watching us.

THAT PLOTLINE:  Will have to wait until later.

After rehashing other bits of the plot to keep us all on the same page (Caroline’s dad died, Tyler’s MIA, et cetera) Elena and Matt part ways in the parking lot.

MATT:  Get home safe.

ELENA:  God damn it, Matt, you know that means something bad is going to happen now!

SOMETHING BAD:  *happens*

REBEKAH:  Boy, are you in for it, little Missy.

ELENA:  Why am I the only person on this show who can just instantaneously forget about people doing crappy shit to me?

ELIJAH: Here I come to save the daaaaaaaaay!

*title card*

Gilbert House

Elena, who appears to be cleaning up Alaric’s blood (remarkably calmly, I might add – I think even knowing he’s alive I’d be kind of freaked about it.  Or maybe she’s used to mopping up after her relatives by now), informs the Brothers that the Mystery Box did, indeed, contain Original Mama.

STEFAN:  So…the one thing that could kill Klaus wants to stay and play Haus with him.  That’s just awesome.

ELENA:  Elijah promised that his family would leave everybody alone, and we have no reason to doubt him, right?

BROTHERS:  …

The doorbell rings, and Elena finds a lovely handwritten invitation to a ball…an actual, honest-to-god ball, thrown by the Mikaelson family.

NOBODY:  Hey, I thought everyone hated Mikael?  Why wouldn’t they just go by Estherson?

ELENA:  There’s a note on the back that says Esther wants to meet me.

DAMON:  You have got. To be kidding. Me.  How the hell did they put together a formal ball this fast?

STEFAN:  Dude, you saw how fast Klaus renovated the Haus. Obviously they’ve compelled a legion of party planners.

Haus of Klaus (et al)

The Original Kids are getting ready for the ball, and it turns out the little one’s kind of a douchebag with a really bad accent.  Rebekah is still bitchy – and for some reason, even though I used to hate her, I kind of enjoy her now.  Seems I’m not the only one, but we’ll get to that later.

KLAUS:  You went after Elena!

KOL:  I am rebellious and posh and I’ll kick your hybrid ass!

KLAUS:  Mooooooooom!  Kol’s touching me!

ESTHER:  I DON’T WANT ANYONE IN THIS HOUSE TOUCHING ANYONE EVER AGAIN!

Because parents are not interested in justice -they want QUIET!  (That was totally a Bill Cosby thing, which most of you are probably too young to have heard, so just ignore me.)

Esther draws Klaus aside.  She’s looking very modern, and appears to be a quick study – but, it turns out, she *has* been on the Other Side for 1000 years, her punishment for creating vampires, so I guess she’s had lots of time to listen to talk radio and watch people pee in the shower.

Esther points out, quite rightly, that Klaus can’t expect them to just forgive him right away after all the crap he pulled.

KLAUS:  But you forgave me, and I killed you even more than I killed them.

ESTHER:  A thousand years has given me perspective, my son.  Forgiveness is a gift.

Klaus should probably wonder what else she’s gotten into perspective since then, but it would seem he’s still so obsessed with getting the family together, and having everything be all Normal Rockwell via Tim Burton that he accepts what she says, and we get to see a strange side of Klaus:  one that seems almost guileless.  It’s as if he’s happy to turn the whole thing over to his mother, to let her be the mother, and no longer have to be the one trying to hold things together (in his twisted way).  Really, he died a child – and never really matured much past his age the way some vampires seem to, and it’s hard to look at him with Esther and not want him to get some measure of peace, just for a minute, before everything goes to hell.

Anyway, Esther even teases Klaus that he needs to find a date for the ball, and we get tonight’s first glimpse of Twitterpated Klaus, which I think might just be my new favorite Klaus.

Gilbert House

Back in the land of less interesting relationships, Damon and Stefan are arguing over who gets to take Elena to the ball.  Big shocker there, right?  Stefan does his usual whiny bratting over Damon having kissed her, and Damon is as usual overprotective because for some reason Elena still has a death wish. 

The end result seems to be a stalemate.  So that should go well.

Caroline’s House

Caro gets a voice mail from Tyler:

TYLER:  Caroline, I’m sorry about everything, and about your dad, and my being sire-bonded to that incredibly charming, handsome fellow with the nice accent who gives you jewelry and looks so hot in a Henley–DAMN IT KLAUS.  I’m out here trying to get my free will back, because I love you, and I’ll come home once I know I can, you know, not murder you to death.  Okaybye.

Caroline hangs up the phone just in time to hear someone at the door; she finds a brown and cream-wrapped box and an invitation waiting for her.  On the back of her invitation is a note from Klaus to “save him a dance.”  In the box is a…well, a giant blue meringue, it looks like, covered in mesh, but I’m guessing it’s a very fancy dress.

And because our Caroline is So Over That Shit, her response is, “SERIOUSLY?”

Mystic Grill

CAROLINE:  This whole thing is just some Cinderella fetish gone horribly wrong and I am so not going to end up losing shoes and shit.

ELENA:  But I need you to go with me, to act as my bodyguard.

CAROLINE:  Why not one  of the Boys?  Like STEFAN.  Who you HAVEN’T been macking with lately.  Yeah, I know all about it, and am about to lay some girl guilt down on you.

ELENA:  Wait, so…Stefan left a trail of bodies up and down the Eastern Seaboard, helped Klaus create the hybrids that include Tyler, killed two people at our school, killed Andie Starr, bit me, then force fed me his blood and threatened to drive me over Wickery Bridge…and you think I should get up on that.

CAROLINE:  It beats Mr. Kills Lots of Random People, then tries to turn you into a vampire, then breaks your brother’s neck, and —

ELENA:  Wait…why am I wanting either of these guys again?

CAROLINE:  BEATS THE FUCK OUT OF ME, girl.  I’ll settle for a nice normal werewolf, if I can ever get one again.

REBEKAH:  I’m here to make a joke about you STABBING ME IN THE BACK because you STABBED ME IN THE BACK.   *goes and gives Matt a ball invitation*

CAROLINE and ELENA:  @_@

Haus of Klaus plus Fünf

The party is already gearing up and we find Damon looking ravishing in his tux chatting it up with Carol Lockwood, who as mayor is apparently just going along with whatever the Originals want to do with her town, since, after all, they could kill every citizen in half an hour if they wanted to. 

KOL:  Mayor Lockwood, let’s introduce ourselves.  I’m the Bratty One.

DAMON:  I’m D–

KOL:  Here, hold my nutsack, it’s quite heavy–what, you don’t work here?

DAMON:  *eyebrow of foreboding*

Just then Elena arrives in a…well, a dress, I guess, although it’s a bit…well, it’s gold, and poofy, and let’s just go with that.  We’re definitely dealing with a higher social caste here – none of the girls are done up in that slightly oversexed teenager way they do at school dances.

Damon, of course, cannot keep his eyes off our fair Doppelganger, which of course means that Stefan will get there first.

A bit of sniping, and Elena ends up walking into the ball with a Salvatore on each arm, which of course we’ve all been dying to see…wait, no, what I’ve been dying to see is the threesome cover of EW actually happen on the show.  But I’m a patient woman, so I’ll wait for the dream sequence you know they’ll toss us one day.

Once inside, Finn comes up to Elena.

FINN:  Hello, Elena, I’m the Enigmatic One with the good accent.

ELENA:  Take me to your mother.

FINN:  You’ll have to shake your two firm, handsome, chiseled bodyguards.

ELENA:  Fine, why don’t you take them off to one of the bedrooms and–

ELIJAH: *throws +2 HoYay Cockblock* If everyone could gather please…

ELENA:  Dammit.

All of the Originals are assembled on the grand staircase, including Esther, and while Elijah informs them that they’re going to do one of those formal group dances like in the last ball…which ball was that? Oh, right, the Founders Memorial Miss Mystic Ball or something, the Brothers notice something.

DAMON:  Do you see who I see?

STEFAN:  Oh yes.

That exchange makes NO sense to me, even on third viewing, so if anyone can tell me what the hell they’re talking about, I’d appreciate it.  Are they saying Esther looks like someone else?  I dunno.

Elena attempts to follow Esther upstairs, but Damon blocks her and acts rather thuggishly to try and keep her “safe.”  Now…I’m torn about this, because on the one hand, if Elena’s really as suicidal as she seems to be, she’s never going to stop throwing herself into these situations; and she’s old enough to make at least some of her own decisions, like where to drop $2 grand on a dress, so Damon needs to back off.  Agreed.  However, Stefan later acting like he’s been the Good Brother because he let Elena come up with all her brilliant plans that never, ever worked doesn’t really put that many pluses in his column either. 

Really, you know what I think?  I think they should just level the playing field, zero out both brothers, and make them start over if they  want to pursue Elena.  If she absolutely cannot be by herself ever ever ever again, and must must must have a man to be complete, how about we wipe the slate clean and have her choose based on their actions starting right now?

Yeah, I know.  It would go about like it goes tonight.  *sigh*

Anyway, Damon ends up convincing Elena to dance with him, so we get to have our dancing scene of angsty goodness where everyone looks beautiful (except Stefan, who looks pouty).

Luckily, this is also where we get to see the newest Klaus doll on the market:  Klaus Comes a’Courtin!

Klaus Comes a’Courtin’ in fine style, complete with expensive dresses, diamond jewelry, charming one-liners, and more!

I gotta say, I love how Joseph Morgan has chosen to play this Twitterpated version of Klaus:  the intensity of his stares when he knows she’s not looking, the lowered face almost at “aw shucks” but not quite, the barely-visible vulnerability he lets her have a peek at…it’s really adorable. 

Klaus and Caroline spar a bit over the dress and the jewelry he gave her, and she’s generally snarky and resistant to his advances, because she’s Caroline, and she’s a magical unicorn.

KLAUS:  You’re a splendid dancer.

CARO:  That’s because I’m Miss Mystic Falls.

KLAUS:  *smiles softly* I know.

AUDIENCE:  *melts into puddle of awwwww*

Unfortunately now we get to watch Stefan and Elena…well, I was going to say they smolder at each other, but I don’t think Elena knows how to smolder and right now Stefan’s smolder comes off more as constipated. 

Let me say:  I really, really DO NOT WANT her and Stefan back together this quickly.  I won’t pitch a fit or anything, and I am not attached to the endgame either way, but after everything Stefan did this season  – whatever his motives – if Elena has any self-respect at all she won’t just take him back.  Eventually maybe.  But I don’t think I could let a guy touch me who had killed all those people – he wasn’t under compulsion when he did that, but he still tore their bodies to pieces and then reassembled them like a psychopath.  If I were her, even if I still loved Stefan (which of course she does, because emotions are not polite, and don’t care about ethics), I’d need time.  And space.  That goes the same for Damon, too.  He’s been a rock for her this season, but he hasn’t been an angel – and the fact is, they’re both VAMPIRES, I’m not sure I could handle being the girlfriend of anyone who’s one bad argument with me away from going out and ripping someone’s throat out, y’know? 

I just really hope that they take their time with this, and don’t rush it just to satisfy a few people who prize getting their way over good storytelling.  As long as it’s organic, and makes sense, and is done right, Elena could end up with Klaus for all I care.

Anyway, they dance, and Elena tells Stefan she needs a word, so they slink off.

Damon is dancing with Rebekah, and the two of them have such entertaining hate chemistry – they need hate!sex like a motherbear.  What I like about Rebekah as a female on this show is that she’s not as fragile and breakable as the younger girls; she’s got physical strength, isn’t quite as waify.  She seems like the kind of vampire Damon could throw around and do dirty dirty things to.  And let’s face it, the boy needs to get loved up, just so he can get his balls back on and gain a little perspective.  I think the Tractor Beam of Elena Cootchie has wiped out everyone’s minds.

Outside the Ball

Elena takes Stefan out where it’s quiet.

ELENA:  I need you to keep Damon off me.

STEFAN:  NO PROBLEM!

ELENA:  I mean, so I can talk to Esther.  All you care about is killing Klaus, right?  And all Damon cares about is me, so you have to stop him from interfering with my ill-thought-out plan to be alone with a thousand year old megawitch who tried to kill me from beyond the grave and is now acting like it’s all good.

STEFAN:  Okie doke.

ELENA:  I’ve always appreciated how you let me make my own decisions.  Except for that time you kidnapped me and force-fed me your blood and threatened to drown me, but I’ve already forgotten all about that since you made noises like you might feel bad about it, and that’s the same as being sorry.

STEFAN:  Oh, I’m so in there!

Back in the Ball

Rebekah conspires with the Bratty One to kill Matt just to piss off Elena.  I’m not really sure what the point of this is other than to establish Rebekah = not trustworthy (duh) or Kol = a bit douchey (duh squared).

Some Side Room

Damon walks in to where Elena waits for him.

DAMON:  I got your text.

STEFAN, behind him:  I got your necksnap.

DAMON:  I didn’t order a–

STEFAN:  Whoops, sorry.

ELENA:  You enjoyed that a little too much.

Elena heads down the hall to her meeting with Esther, only to be waylaid by Elijah, who hopes she’ll do him the honor of tattling on Mama Original, because Elijah has seen through Mama’s “forgiveness” and thinks something hinky is afoot.  Elena agrees to find him later and tell him everything.

Right.

Esther’s Room of Dodgy Dealings

Esther and Finn are setting things up, which means Esther is lighting up a sage bundle and Finn is pulling a dagger.  Guys, if you want to cover up the smell of pot, sage is kind of obvious, and it already smells like pot–go with frankincense, it’s a resinous scent so it…um…never mind.

Apparently the sage is Special Sage that will keep anyone from overhearing, so hey, maybe it is pot!

ESTHER:  I bet you have questions, Elena.

ELENA:  Boy howdy do I ever.  How long did it take you to figure out the flush toilet?  Because that would be really awkward.

ESTHER:  How about if I just tell you what I want you to know.  I’m not exactly a ghost, because the Witch Ayana put a spell on my body so I could get back in it later.  She was the first of the Bennett line, incidentally because on this show we believe in CONTINUITY, if not diversity, among witchy families.  That’s why Abby and Bonnie had to crack the Mystery Box, and that’s why I need you.

Outside, Among the Pretty Ponies

Caroline, being the girliest girl who ever tore someone’s throat out, loves horses.  Klaus decides to give it another shot.

KLAUS:  I love horses too you know.  My father killed mine, because my father was a bag of dicks.

CAROLINE:  Why did you invite me here?

KLAUS:  I fancy you.

AUDIENCE:  Awwwwwww…

Caroline ain’t having none of it, though, as she’s still pissed about Tyler being sire-bonded to Klaus, and biting her and all that.  She basically shoots Klaus down again and walks off.

Esther’s Dodgy Dealings

Esther confesses that turning her children into vampires was a horrible mistake, and that the only way to rectify it is to link all her children together and then kill them all at once.  She needs Elena’s blood to create the link.

ELENA:  Okay, sure.

AUDIENCE:  WAIIT…DON’T YOU WANT TO KNOW WHAT ELSE THE SPELL DOES? WHAT IF IT KILLS ALL VAMPIRES? WHAT IF IT KILLS ANYONE WHO DRINKS THE TOAST WHETHER THEY’RE VAMPIRES OR NOT?  DO THE RESEARCH ELENA!

ELENA:  Okay, sure!

Out in Ball Halla

Kol is impatiently egging Rebekah on toward killing Matt, but she’s already waffling – she doesn’t want to ruin Mother’s evening, or more likely, she never really intended to kill Matt but thought for a second she might save face with her psycho siblings.  They agree to meet outside.

Upstairs

Damon awakens from his broken spine in about the mood you’d wake up in, too; he slams Stefan into the wall and demands to know what the hell is going on.

STEFAN:  If you’d stop being such a dick and let her make her own choices–

DAMON:  Well if her choices didn’t involve getting her involved with you, who’s such a dick–

STEFAN:  Your emotions are clouding your judgment!  You’re a liability!  You care too much.  But since I get to pretend I don’t care, only to break down and care like a motherfucker later, you’ll go do something ill-advised and you’ll make me look like the stable brother AGAIN.  And I’ll get the girl, because you always forget this happens every time.

DAMON: DO YOU SEE THESE EYEBROWS? THESE ARE THE EYEBROWS OF FUTURE REGRET!

Outside

Rebekah and Matt take a stroll among the cars to get some air, and Matt is charming and sweet as always, and Rebekah, who has taken quite a shine to our Mr. Donovan, decides not to kill him after all, leaving Kol hovering in the background looking petulant.

Back at the Ball

Elijah finds Elena and asks what Esther had to say. 

ELENA:  *LIES HER ASS OFF*

Meanwhile the waiters are passing out champagne for the Cursed Toast Muahaha.

ESTHER:  Join me now in a toast to the family you’ve never really met until tonight, who are now BACK TOGETHER AS ONE.  Down the hatch, kids!

One by one, the camera focuses on each Original, and they all drink, though for just a second it looks like Elena wants to say something to Elijah…but doesn’t.

A Room of Klaus’s Own

CAROLINE:  So, why did we leave the fun party to be completely alone in this room where no one can hear me scream?

KLAUS:  So I can show you…my taste in art.

CAROLINE:  You drew these?

KLAUS:   Heartsnatching, large-scale murder, torture, compulsion, and mayhem are only a few of my interests, Caroline.  I also love art, horses, and ten-pin bowling.  Let me take you away from all this, anywhere you want to go.

CAROLINE:  Wow, must be nice to be able to steal or compel anyone to do anything, except for the part where you don’t have any real relationships because you’re so scared no one will love you…

KLAUS:  You and Bad Daddy took the same Psych 101 course, didn’t you?

CAROLINE:  Well, you can’t buy me, so here’s your bracelet back.

For a wonder, Klaus does not pitch a fit or try to kill or compel her or in any other way act bratty over it; he just looks upset and lets her walk away, you know, the way grown up men do when they’re shot down. 

Who’s got a dollar on Klaus letting Tyler go free when he comes back?

Back at the Ball

Rebekah has changed her mind about killing Matt, and Kol mocks her for it.

Elena is headed for the door, and Damon catches up to her with her wrap and a face full of pissed off over that whole neck-breaking thing that went down.

ELENA:  You’re mad at me for including Stefan?

DAMON:  I’m mad at you because I love you.

ELENA:  Well maybe that’s the problem.

AUDIENCE:  *flinches*

And we see the change come over Damon’s face that we’ve seen so many times before, and that Elena should recognize by now, as the “I’m about to lash out somehow that you are definitely not going to like” face.

CAROLINE:  Where’s Matt?

Off in some other part of the hall, Matt is wandering around looking like the next victim, when someone whispers his name out on a balcony.

KOL:  Hi, I’m here to kill you, because there’s one in every family.  First, I’m here to crush your hand.

MATT:  Hi, I’m here to OUCH!

DAMON:  *balcony shove, neck snap* How you like me now, douchebaby?

Everyone comes a-running to see what new shenanigans Damon has pulled, because obviously it couldn’t be anyone else’s fault, ever.

STEFAN:  Are you crazy?

DAMON:  Maybe a little.  < — Thus he describes himself perfectly.

And Damon, who is finally wearing his shit-eating grin again, walks away with a visible swagger that means he might have just uncapped the olive jar where Elena keeps his balls in the fridge and sacked the fuck up.

Caroline’s House

Caro calls Tyler and voicemails him that she misses him and really wishes he was there.  As she hangs up she sees yet another Klaus Box on her bed.

Frustrated, she yanks it open, expecting to find jewelry, only to find Klaus has hand-drawn a picture of her and a horse, and written across the bottom “Thank you for  your honesty.”

HE GAVE HER A PONY.  SHE IS SO DOOMED.

Haus of Klaus plus Fünf

Esther rails at Elijah for allowing violence to happen at her party.  Elijah promises he’ll deal with it, and for a moment Esther seems to genuinely regret what she knows she’s going to do to her single non-evil son.

Finn arrives, leaving him and Esther alone to finish the ritual to bind the family together (except Esther, who, not being a vampire, one would assume will just kill herself after, or maybe the final ritual to destroy them all will take her out too).  She needs Finn’s blood, and he’s on board with dying.

They do a neat piece of magic where the blood flows up into a family tree and then catches fire.   How come Bennett magic is never that cool?  I guess for the good special effects you have to level up a couple of times.

Gilbert House

Stefan has brought Elena home, because apparently Elena has decided she can ride in a car with him again without it ending in terror and blood.  Sure.

STEFAN:  So Esther’s going to kill them all…awesome.

ELENA:  It’s not that simple.  Elijah’s really dapper.  And noble.  And he makes those puppy dog eyes.

STEFAN:  What was with Damon earlier?

ELENA:  You know Damon, just being self-destructive.

I take issue with her saying that.  They know Damon was saving Matt, don’t they?  How is that self-destructive?  Normally when Elena says something cruel to him about how she’ll never love him, he goes and kills a random nice human somewhere, but this time, he channels his disappointment into saving Matt’s ass and then getting some ass.  I’d say that shows growth, wouldn’t you?

WHAT HAS THIS SHOW DONE TO ME.

Now, of course, they’re on the porch so Elena has to have Her Moment; she all but begs Stefan to “feel something again,” puts her hands on his face, wants to know how he can stand to not care when she feels everything, and she can’t stop feeling, et cetera.

Thank God, or at least thank Stefan, he doesn’t give in to the Power of the Porch, but walks away, saying something like “If I feel anything, all I feel is PAIN.”

This scene pissed a lot of people off because after all her stand-on-her-own stuff this season, here she was, practically throwing herself at him after everything that’s happened.  I get the anger, but I also kind of get what they’re aiming for here – that Elena wants Stefan to be himself again, not just so she can hop back on that, but for Stefan’s own good too. 

As I’ve said before, I don’t have anything invested in either pairing, although I do want to see Damon and Elena get it on like rabbits because they have such awesome chemistry (but let’s face it, Damon has chemistry with Elena, Stefan, Alaric, Rebekah, Klaus, Bonnie at times, Carol Lockwood, Mitt Romney, and random trees and statuary around Mystic Falls), so I’m fine with wherever the story goes – I just want it to make sense, and feel honest, not rushed or forced. 

And I don’t want Elena’s character to devolve after all her independence-gaining this season – oh sure, Stefan let her make her own decisions, but he sure didn’t leave her much time alone, did he?  He was just as possessive as Damon, just in a different way. 

Mystic Grill

Matt is brooding over his bandaged hand when Rebekah comes up to rub salt in his wounds.

REBEKAH:   Oh, salt doesn’t turn you on?  How about booze?

MATT:  I’d really, really like it if you got the fuck away from me.

Matt stalks off to figure out how he’s going to pay his medical bills on a busboy’s salary.

DAMON:  Rejected by the captain of the football team…welcome to adolescence.

REBEKAH:  I should have killed him.

DAMON:  You probably would have.

REBEKAH:  Are you saying I can’t be gentle?

DAMON:  I’m saying you shouldn’t have to be, nudge nudge, wink wink.

REBEKAH:  Wait, is that your normal eyebrow thing or do you want to do the sex?

Salvatore Boarding House of Red Hot Monkey Love

Damon and Rebekah do the sex.

The clothes-ripping, wall-slamming, standing up against a wall vampire sex that this show needs soooooo much more of.  NOM NOM NOM.

I find it interesting that when the supposedly “good” show, True Blood, does sex scenes, they’re always trashy and leave me feeling like I’ve been watching Jerry Springer; but when the supposedly “teen” show does sex it’s actually hot.  Probably because the people doing it aren’t totally reprehensible.  But that’s another rant for another time.

*title card*

Next Week:  Oh no!  Elena finds out the guy she won’t fuck fucked someone else!  Clearly he’s betrayed her! Oh, wait! How about someone who actually got fucked over, like Elijah, finding out what Esther really said?  That’s more like it! And Witches!  …Wait, don’t fall asleep, there’s fire too!

You know what I don’t get? Okay, let me make a short list, which is by no means exhaustive.

1. Why in the seven levels of hell did Elena’s parents stay in Mystic Falls given that, according to Abby Bennett, they knew she was the Doppelganger? Of all the billionty places they could have lived that the Originals wouldn’t have looked–was it some kind of “hide in plain sight” thing? Whose brilliant idea was that?

2. Are we going to see Klaus do his body-switching trick again, or was that just a weird plot device? So far we haven’t heard a peep about it this season.

3. Why do I keep wanting to fall asleep every time Bonnie’s on screen this season? I should care way more about her and her mom’s drama, but they mostly just seem like a massive monkey wrench that keeps interrupting the story’s rhythm. A really, really boring monkey wrench. This episode was great, but it would have been 10 times better without stopping to deal with the Witches. They’re a massive energy-suck. In his last 45 seconds on screen I gained more sympathy for Bad Daddy than I’ve had in two episodes for Abby.

That’s all I can think of right now. Let’s get down to business.

Could this pic BE any sexier, incidentally?

Right Where We Left Off at Haus of Klaus

Man, how long has this season gone on so far? Renovating a house takes months.

ELIJAH: Hi. *administers beatdown*

KLAUS: We really should sell tickets to this. It’s hotter than hell.

ELIJAH: Can we talk about that thing where you SUCK?

KLAUS: I do! Boy do I ever! Let me tell you the full story of my suckdom, because…erm…my honesty will win you over?

ELIJAH: …okay.

KLAUS: Hey, did you know that “gullible” isn’t in the dictionary?

ELIJAH: Yeah, fuck you too.

*title card*

Gilbert Haus

Alaric, bless him, is hung over and looking for aspirin. Elena’s up and ready for her Buffy jog.

ALARIC: I am an outstanding role model for young people.

ELENA: Dude, at this point, you’re the sanest person on this show who isn’t Caroline.

*doorbell*

SHERIFF FORBES: I’m here to violate police procedure.

ELENA: Must be Thursday.

SHERIFF: You know that chair leg we found in the douchey ME? It’s yours. And it’s got your prints on it.

Meanwhile, Damon is walking through a sunlit meadow. My hand to God.

ELENA, on the phone: The Sheriff doesn’t think I killed the guy, just that someone’s offing Council members.

DAMON: Meredith did it.

ALARIC: Sexyassholesayswhat?

DAMON: You told her where all your weapons were hidden. Weirdest come-on ever, by the way.

ALARIC: It worked on you.

DAMON: I’m special. Anyway, Meredith was the guy’s ex, it happened the night they fought, two and two equals psycho.

ELENA: I refuse to believe that. There’s no way Ric can be *that* godawful with women.

ALARIC: …

DAMON: …

ELENA: *facepalm*.

We see that the sunny meadow is, in fact, a meeting-place for Damon and Elijah…who has gotten a haircut and is holding a note that Damon tucked in his pocket after undaggering him.

ELIJAH: *has swagger*

DAMON: You don’t happen to know what’s in the Mystery Box, do you?

Rune-Carved Cave of Wonders

Stefan, Bonnie, and Abby (oh goody) head down into the cave, where Damon thoughtfully tucked the Mystery Box, or rather, had some human dudes tuck it for him since vampires can’t get in.

ABBY: What’s all this?

BONNIE: *explains the coffin plot for us again*

STEFAN: Okay, ladies, get to cracking.

ABBY: But I don’t have any magic!

STEFAN: Neither I nor my volumizing hair products give a rat’s ass. Get to work.

Stefan climbs out of the tunnel where Elena is waiting to confront him about possibly killing the ME.

Stefan, for some reason, is having trouble with the fact that she thinks he might be a murdering dick, on account of his being a murdering dick and all.

Y’know, I’d like this whole Darth-Stefan-morphing-back-into-boring-Stefan thing much better if he wasn’t acting like it’s everyone’s fault (meaning Damon’s) that he pushed Elena away. Yes, Stefan got with Klaus to save Damon’s life, but who exactly was he saving when he drove Elena over that bridge? That right there would be psychotic enough to break up a normal couple.

I’m not arguing that Damon’s better–just that Stefan, all on his own of his own free will, has done enough to drive Elena away. If the result of being conflicted is Stefan turns into a petulant child, I’d really, really rather him stay evil.

Actually I would anyway because evil Stefan is awesome. But I digress.

Mystic Falls General Hospital

Caroline and Elena have come to pick up Bad Daddy, but Meredith informs her that he checked himself out. Meredith makes it clear she knows Caroline’s a fang-bearer, and I have to wonder how many other people in Mystic Falls know full well what’s going on in their midst but continue to live there anyway.

MEREDITH: Your dad’s a Grade-A cockweasel, by the way. I gotta go – I need to call Alaric and find out what the hell he meant by “epic threesome.”

Caroline tries to call her dad…only to hear his phone ringing somewhere nearby.

AUDIENCE: Oh boy, does that not bode well.

BAD DADDY: *is in a storage room, filed under S for Stabbity*

CAROLINE: Don’t be dead, Daddy, don’t be dead!

AUDIENCE: *wibble*

ELENA: He had vampire blood in his system, though, so–

BAD DADDY: *gaspawake*

Cave of Wonders

Bonnie lectures her mother on sucking, then conveniently has Abby’s grimoire open to exactly the page they need.

ABBY: See this symbol, the one that looks like a Japanese rope bondage trick? It means we need two generations to…do whatever. Seriously, I doubt anyone’s really paying attention to the mechanics of this spell, they just want us to get on with it.

BONNIE’S BROW: *furrows*

Salvatore Den of Antiquities

Stefan is flouncing about being a jerk, but he’s shirtless, so it’s all good. Damon informs him that they have a double date with the Original Boys to negotiate a truce or something like that, which is basically a ruse to buy time for the Witches to unseal the Mystery Box.

STEFAN: I’m sorry, I can’t hear you. You kissed my girlfriend.

DAMON: I’m sorry, I can’t hear you, I’m busy NOT DRIVING HER OVER THE BRIDGE WHERE HER PARENTS DIED. Also, kindly remember that Klaus is the reason all of this is happening. Now sack up and put on this shirt.

AUDIENCE: Nooooo! Dinner parties are always better without shirts!

MFGH

Bad Daddy is up and around and has somehow found a clean shirt. Caroline and Elena remind us all how turning into a vampire works, only to have Bad Daddy let us know that he may be an asshole but he’s a consistently written asshole who has no intention of turning into a vampire.

Gilbert House

Alaric lays out his entire arsenal to take inventory. Elena comes home with the knife that killed Bad Daddy.

ALARIC: This is from the crawlspace. Meredith knew where it was.

ELENA: Jesus Christ, how long were you two talking about weapons before you started making out? Did you give her a blueprint of the house too?

ALARIC: I sure know how to pick ‘em, don’t I.

ELENA: We should start a club.

Haus of Klaus – Guess Who’s Coming to Dinner?

For reasons known only to crazy hybrids, Klaus has found someone to cook a steak dinner for the boys, rather than just inviting them over for blondes.

KLAUS: *is jovial and homicidal*

STEFAN: I’m not here to negotiate. I’m here to make things uncomfortable.

DAMON: I can’t take you anywhere, can I. Come on, now, Mr. Grumpy Pants, here comes the airplane….

STEFAN: *deathglare*

KLAUS: I’m so glad you undaggered my brother.

DAMON: *winks at Elijah* The more the merrier.

ON SECOND VIEWING: *that line is pure awesome*

KLAUS: Of course, Elijah and I always manage to work things out, because we love each other and I’ll stab him and put him in a box if he doesn’t do what I want.

STEFAN: Wait, Klaus, where’s Rebekah? Oh, right, you daggered her too so you wouldn’t have to face up to killing your mom.

DAMON: *actual dialogue* Hey Stef, remember when you killed Dad? Might want to dial down the judgment till dessert.

Caroline’s Porch

CAROLINE: Do you think Meredith did this?

ELENA: Much as it sucks, probably, yeah.

Caroline and Elena’s ensuing conversation about her father is pretty heartbreaking, due mostly to Candice Accola, who is a magical unicorn made of wonderful.

CAROLINE: I don’t want my dad to die. Even after everything he did.

ELENA: You can’t force him to turn…you can’t take his choices away.

AUDIENCE: *cough*Jeremy*cough*

Matt shows up, and he and Caroline hug fiercely while she cries.

Still Less Awkward Than Most Family Thanksgivings

ELIJAH: So, where’s Elena?

KLAUS: Boy, did you miss a lot. You won’t believe this, but these two are fighting over a Petrova doppelganger.

ELIJAH: Now would be a great time to tell them about the Original Petrova, wouldn’t it?

KLAUS: Totally.

ELIJAH: Well, see, there was this girl, and Klaus and I both had a squish on for her. We knew she’d put out because she had already had a baby, thereby ensuring the bloodline continued, and there was all this competing and fighting over her until our mother pretty much killed her.

DAMON: Wait…your mom killed your girlfriend…to stop you from arguing?  And your dad killed all of you because he was too much of a dick to leave the werewolves alone? At least you people come by your batshit insanity honestly.

ELIJAH: It gets better. Mom fed us Tatia’s blood to turn us into vampires. So basically, having the hots for Petrovas is hereditary. Sorry, guys.

KLAUS: But we made up eventually, because family is the most important thing.

Damon and Stefan exchange a sullen but meaningful look.

Cave of Slow-Ass Pacing from Hell

Bonnie and Abby are trying to pop the Mystery Box. Bonnie lectures Abby again about being a shitty mom, and guilts her into trying again.

See, there? That took two sentences. Why did this scene have to take A MILLION YEARS, when there were way more exciting things happening elsewhere? Total flow-killer, I’m telling you.

Finally, the candles flare up and the box almost sort of jiggles a bit. Bonnie, convinced they’re getting somewhere, goes to call Damon and tell him they’re making progress.

Unfortunately that means she leaves Abby alone, and we know what happens to people left alone in creepy rooms.

MYSTERY BOX: *POPS*

ABBY: *gasps*

SCREEN: *goes black*

Back at Haus of Klaus

DAMON: So here’s the deal. We’ll give you back the coffin, but you and all your Original kin have to leave town forever.

KLAUS: Oh, I can’t do that. I need Elena’s blood handy for hybrid-making purposes. The hilarious thing is that eventually you’re going to get her killed–you two are the worst thing that could possibly happen to her.

I seem to recall Isobel saying something similar back in season 1. And it was pretty much true then too.

Damon looks upset by the words, and Stefan just looks pissed. Damon leaves to “get some air;” Elijah goes with him to make sure he doesn’t run off or steal the silver or anything. And as awesome as the conversation between Klaus and Stefan might have been, Klaus decides he’d rather eat the waitress.

Gilbert Haus

Matt has walked Elena home from Caroline’s.

MATT: This town is fucked up and wrong.

Elena can’t argue with that, but she doesn’t have to, because they walk in to find the electricity is inexplicably out.

AUDIENCE: RUN. RUN FAST AND FAR.

ELENA: *runs neither fast nor far, but finds a flashlight*

AUDIENCE: DO YOU EVEN WATCH THIS SHOW?

As she and Matt are digging around for candles, they find a pool of blood…and smeared handprints in blood leading up the stairs. In a show full of creepy shit, this is one of the creepiest things I’ve seen yet.

Worse yet? The blood trail leads to Alaric, who has been stabbed with what looks like the same knife as Bad Daddy.

Alaric is only mostly dead, however, and comes to long enough to tell Elena to kill him.

MATT: How about we call 911 instead?

ELENA: No, he’s right–if I kill him he’ll come back, because I’m a supernatural being. *stabbity*

MATT: THIS IS NOT OKAY.

Haus of Klaus

DAMON: So, about that deal?

KLAUS: How about instead I make sure Elena lives a long life and has lots of babies, and you two bugger off?

STEFAN: How about you suck my–

KLAUS: *flaming rage* Fetch my coffin, hot stuff, or Forehead here gets roasted.

DAMON: *sigh* Fine, fine. Hey Elijah, come with me.

Caroline’s House

Caro tries again to convince her dad not to die, but his mind is made up.

CAROLINE: I can’t believe you hate me this much!

BAD DADDY: No, I don’t hate you, sweetheart, I love you. Love the sinner hate the sin, right? Besides, you turned out so fantastic, even though you’re a bloodsucking hellbeast, that I’m almost sympathetic for a second.

Caroline breaks down sobbing. Bad Daddy, while consoling her, looks over at Sheriff Forbes, who is also crying.

Klaus Haus – Guess Who’s Coming to Dessert?

Klaus and Stefan face each other, Klaus demanding to know what happened to the Rippah he married…then Klaus’s expression changes.

KLAUS: Elijah…why aren’t you off getting the coffin with Damon?

ELIJAH: You forgot dessert.

Elijah reveals a tray bearing daggers.

ELIJAH: Incidentally? I’M THE BAMF AROUND HERE, BROTHER.

OTHER TWO ORIGINAL BROTHERS: Damn skippy.

REBEKAH: *stabbity*

ELIJAH: You boys can go. This is a family matter.

Stefan and Damon wisely exit stage left. Klaus actually looks terrified.

LET THE HEARTFELT MUSICAL MONTAGE BEGIN!

Caroline’s House

Bad Daddy is now an Ex Daddy. Caroline sits next to him, crying.  It’s very sad, of course, but I’m too busy singing “Ding Dong, the Cockweasel’s Gone.”

Gilbert Haus

Elena sits vigil with Alaric, who is still dead. She asks Matt to stay with her until he’s…less dead.

ELENA: I can’t lose any more family.

MATT: *hugs her tight*

Off in the Woods

STEFAN: Okay, fine, undaggering Elijah was a good idea.

DAMON: Don’t sound so excited.

STEFAN: You also saved my ass, which puts us at what, 15 to 1 on the ass-saving scale?

DAMON: Shut up.

STEFAN: If you’d left me there you would have had Elena all to yourself.

DAMON: I guess you haven’t noticed that this entire show revolves around the epic love between me and you, not us and Elena.

Gilbert House

Elena, on the phone with Sheriff Forbes, finds out that Meredith has an airtight alibi for Alaric’s stabbing. So that’s three people stabbed by an unknown assailant who knows where all of the Gilbert weapons are kept. Maybe Elena’s got a cousin out there somewhere.

ALARIC: *gaspawake*

Cave of Wonders

The brothers Salvatore arrive to find two unconscious Witches and an empty Mystery Box.

Everyone who had money riding on who was in the coffin braces themselves.

Haus of Klaus

Rebekah smashes some things in her righteous fury.

KLAUS: This was supposed to be our house, where we could live as a family. I had no idea you’d all react badly to being daggered and stuffed in boxes–NO IDEA!

ELIJAH: We will be a family. Just without you. We’re leaving, and we’re going to kill Elena, so you can never make more hybrids and will be alone forever, because payback is a bitch whose side-part has come and gone.

KLAUS: I’m not askeered of any of you! I can’t be killed!

ELIJAH: Sure you can, as soon as we get the Mystery Box.

The Originals glare at Klaus with steely eyes, and Klaus is near tears; damn, but Joseph Morgan does the man-cry like a boss, doesn’t he?

And now it’s time for tonight’s WTF Cliffhanger:

The door opens, and Elijah stares at it in absolute shock; mouths fall open all around the room, including Klaus’s.

Esther, the Original Mom, stands there in her green Witchy dress, looking stern.

She walks up to Klaus, who can’t even look her in the face.

ESTHER: LOOK AT ME.

KLAUS: Yes Mommy.

Klaus assumes Esther is there to kill him, but despite whatever the hell she was doing on the other side with the ghosts in Mystic Falls, her intentions are apparently elsewhere.

ESTHER: I’m here to forgive you, my son. I want us to be a family again.

*title card*

The audience’s head explodes. Or maybe just mine – the sheer volume of WTFery in this show might end me yet.