So…I’m awake, and I don’t want to be. I had a horrible dream that combined three of the worst players in my Roster of Sleep-Related Miseries: a sick/dying animal I couldn’t save, some kind of countdown (which funnily enough usually ends up being that in the real world I really, really have to pee), and someone I’m in love with humiliating me in public for being fat. (This is usually someone I’ve been hot for for years, or a celebrity crush, or some other Big Important Person who can destroy you in a single sentence, a single derisive “Wait, you mean HER?” laugh.)
When I have dreams like that I feel dazed for a good hour. It’s strangely easier to have nightmares that are obviously nightmares – horrible things from my past, being eaten by wolves, running from a tornado. But when the whole thing was a series of dreadful emotions, it’s harder to shake off, because it cuts deeper. Zombie dreams? Scary at the time but ultimately unbelievable. Having a beautiful man tell a big group of people he wouldn’t fuck me with someone else’s dick? Stuff like that has happened to me while I’m awake, so, it’s harder to dismiss as “just a dream.”
At any rate, it means I’m awake, and I checked my inbox to find a WordPress notice of a comment needing moderation. It occurred to me I hadn’t looked at my blog comments in months – I catch a few, but never all of them. I’d like to apologize to everyone who left a comment in the last 3-4 months and it seemed like I ignored you. I weighed the pros and cons and decided that re-engaging with my audience is more important than dealing with trolls, so I turned the “Email me for every comment” feature and now I should see them all. I”m so grateful that so many of you have left comments all this while and I hope to be more involved in the future.
Unrelated but related note:
I miss LiveJournal. I used to be hella prolific over there – I didn’t want a private diary, I wanted what it had, a semi-private place to tell my story no matter how banal or how terrible, with an audience made of people I’d vetted, who had also vetted me for their own. That sense of mutual validation was so important. “I hear you.” Sometimes those are the most beautiful three words in English. I think Facebook sucked the spirit out of online personal content, and while it definitely has its advantages, well, we all know how badly Facebook can blow a goat.
Which is not to say Facebook is pure evil or LJ some kind of paradise. They have their advantages and disadvatages just like any other platform.
I’d go back to LJ, but a) it’s kind of a ghostown now, and b) I think I’ve outgrown it. Facebook did everything I wanted LJ to do except prioritize long-form posts of text. That I guess was where blogging was supposed to fill in the gaps, but my easy confessional style never quite translated. Now I’m wondering if maybe it should. If I should start having random rambles and occasional rants, just talk about the weird crap that happened on the way to Target, along with more Nosce te Ipsum type posts. Throw out the supposed “rules” about what you should post where and when, and just be as random and weird as I actually am. What would you, intrepid reader, think about that?
I’ll even read all the comments this time.
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