From the Book of Menses, Chapter 7, Verses 9-20

(9) And it came to pass that there rose in that month in the land of Sylvania a red tide, which covered all the land, and it was NOT GOOD OMG.

(10) And the red tide did bring about cramps, and nausea, and the liquefying of the bowels, and a headache fit to split, and locusts, and sloths, and ptarmigans, and the Death Squirrel.

(11) And the women of Sylvania did lift their hands to the heavens, and they cried unto the Almighty, “Why has Thou inflicted such woe upon us, O Lord? Our wombs cry out in suffering, and our clothes have become too tight, and the Death Squirrel hath eaten all our cereal, and we know not what a ptarmigan is. What must we do to avoid ever feeling this craptastic again? Shall we slay the fatted calf, make burnt offerings to Thy Majesty? What wouldst Thou have of us, O Lord?”

(12) And God sayeth unto them, “If thou wouldst never feel the Period Ick, thou must be a man.”

(13) And the women of Sylvania did say, “Um..not so much, Lord.”

(14) And the Lord God did reply, tersely, “That’s what I thought.”

(15) And the women of Sylvania did return to their labors, grumbling, popping handfuls of Advil, and they did snarl at the men, who knew not how to cope.

(16) And the men of Sylvania did tremble before the women, and there was much wailing and gnashing of teeth.

(17) “O God,” the men did cry, “Why hast Thou afflicted womankind with such monthly malevolence, that we men might die upon their blades for leaving up the toilet seat? God, Thou art mighty and just, and we who are made in Thine image do beseech Thee for succor!”

(18) And God did look over at the Goddess with a shrug, and the Goddess said unto the men, “Shut up and bring me some pie, and then bring pie unto all the women of Sylvania, that there may be peace in all the land.”

(19) And God added, “You’d better listen, boys.  She’s bleeding too.”

(20) And the men did bring pie, and it was good.