I think another reason I’m pro Damon/Elena is that I honestly don’t believe it’s ever going to happen.  It’s fairly obvious that the showrunners want Elena to pick Stefan – she might make out with Damon and maybe even shag him before the story’s over, but come on, does anyone really think they’ll end up together long-term?

Either she’s going to get with Stefan and live broodily ever after, or she will choose herself and have a regular human life (still my preference, unless she gets vamped, in which case if she doesn’t want eternity to be boring she should go with Damon).  Damon’s not the kind of character that writers ever want to be happy.  It’s far more entertaining to bring him to the edge of happiness and then destroy him over and over again.  Trust me, I know this one.

I do love to root for an underdog, though.

Okay, so, another episode that divided people.  To be perfectly honest…I kind of hated it.  No, hate’s a strong word. There were maybe two scenes that didn’t make me roll my eyes or throw stuffed animals at the screen.  The one comfort was knowing that there’s still two more episodes where all this ridiculous shit can be set right.  We know our show does endings like whoa.

I was discussing S3 with my Tweeps, and what I realized was that this season started to go off kilter right when the big witchcraft started. It was fine when it was Bonnie making daylight rings and doing stuff solo – and even fine when it was Klaus’s witches in season 2 – but between Abby and Esther and the 1000 dead witch spirits becoming this massive deux ex machina in practically every plotline, y’all, I’m over it.  There are all these rules about vampires, but the only rule for witches is apparently “do it too much and you’ll get a nosebleed,” sort of the hairy palms myth for spellcasters.

Because apparently Esther can do whatever the hell she wants and it’s all good. All she needs is a little Doppelganger blood. Doppelganger blood is like the baking soda of this show – it does everything, fixes all problems, and leaves kitchen fixtures shiny and new.

(SPOILERY stuff starts after the image)

I think what really angered me was beyond that, though – it was that I felt Alaric’s “death” was totally cheapened by the last scene.  We went through that torment, watching everyone say goodbye.  He got a peaceful death, knowing he was loved, which he deserved.  He didn’t have to worry about hurting anyone else.

No, wait!   ESTHER’S ALL UP ON IT!

Someone really, REALLY needs to teach Bonnie Occlumency.  Jesus Christ.

Haus of Klaus

Klaus is working on a gigantic painting that looks a lot like one of the cypress trees Van Gogh painted while in a mental institution.  Just putting that out there.

ESTHERBEKA: Stake.

KLAUS:  Gimme it.

Klaus burns the stake and announces his intention to leave Mystic Falls with his Doppelganger, which solves the tricky “I don’t want to die a violent screaming death, but I can’t possibly leave a town that has Elena Gilbert’s magical unicorn ladybits in it!” conundrum everyone seems to have.

ESTHERBEKA:  But the dance!  I’m on the committee!  And Caroline will be there.

KLAUS:  Aw, what the hell.  Surely I, a thousand year old bloodthirsty murdery creature who destroys everything in my path can spare a night of frivolity to woo a girl who has yet to express any real interest in me whatsoever.

One thing this show does so well is make the primary motivation of all people, whether human or vampire or werewolf or hybrid, the desire to be loved.  They all feel alienated even among their closest friends, and they all crave the feeling of being understood that always slips from their grasp.

Well, except Esther, but I’ve come to think of her as less a character and more a walking, snotty plot device.

Salvatore Den of Antiquities

Damon calls to check in on Ric, who claims he’s leaving town for a few days to clear his head. 

For some reason Damon’s reaction is more, “Did I leave the gas on?” than “Is it a good idea to let the psycho who kills vampires and the humans who help them just vanish for a couple of days without any supervision whatsoever and just assume he’ll take his herbs like a good boy?”

Jesus Christ, these people.

Come to find out, Evilaric was the one calling, and he’s currently at Haus of Klaus, hanging out in the coffin room.  Man, vampire sense of smell just gets worse all the time. 

ESTHERBEKA:  Okay, now, dagger me so I can get out of this body.

I’m not really sure why they do this, unless she needs to be in her body for Big Magic – but we’ve seen that people wearing vampires and vice versa can do things the body couldn’t do before, so….?   

Okay, every time in this episode the witchcraft does something that makes me want to gouge my eyes out, you’ll see this:  SHENANIGANS.  Otherwise this recap is going to be 50 pages long.  I won’t even go into the whys – just assume when you see the word I’m banging my head against the screen in futility.

Mystic Falls Gym of Absolute and Total Safety for Students and Faculty

Caroline and Elena (as well as Matt and Jeremy) are hard at work decorating for the dance.  Caroline snarks on Rebekah’s decorating taste and how she didn’t even bother to show up today, then proceeds to put on a leotard and do a one-woman synchronized swimming routine on Why Elena Should Be With Stefan.

Apparently Stefan is her “Epic Love.”  Pardon me, I misplaced my barf bucket.

I found Caroline irritating in this episode, which is rare.  Her cheerleading routine for Stefan sounded really shrill and contrived.  Otherwise after everything that Stefan has done to Elena, how could Elena’s best friend possibly cheer them on as a couple?  Caroline herself is the one that last season went on about how impossible human/vampire relationships are…but wait sorry, Stefan’s Elena’s EPIC LOVE.

Whatthefuckever, Caroline.

CAROLINE:  It’s Stefan’s turn to woo you, Elena!

ELENA:  What about the season and a half he got before, when we were constantly in danger and I was pretty miserable most of the time even before he went on his first killing spree and then tried to drive me off a bridge?

CAROLINE:  EPIC LOVE.  Besides the season’s almost over!  We have to get this triangle shit as tense as we can so that when you pick Stefan it’ll be extra special!

Den of Antiquities

So, Elena calls Stefan to ask her to the dance, and there’s all that awkward exes fumbling around.

ELENA:  So…even though we haven’t discussed my making out with your brother last episode, that’s probably not even going to come up, because it’s not like that was *real* kissing.  It was “me trying to figure stuff out” kissing.  Obviously it doesn’t count.  Let’s go dancing!

STEFAN:  Yay!

Damon sees part of this exchange and it’s hard to tell if the look on his face is more “I can’t believe that girl” or “Oh fuck it, you deserve each other.”

Mystic Falls General

Damon freaks Meredith out with…well, with his personality, and asks Meredith if she thinks Alaric can stay non-killy if he didn’t even bother taking his jar of herbs with him on his vision quest.  Meredith’s expression says “Um…no.”

Salvatore Crypt

Esther and Evilaric approach the crypt, Esther explaining that this spot was where Klaus tore her heart from her chest, and therefore it’s special.  Violent death marks the ground, you see.

So…most of Mystic Falls is going to be marked like a motherfucker, right?

Esther explains in her usual pontificatory voice that since the Last Pointy MacGuffin will burn up whenever it’s used, they need to make it multi-use, and that involves melting Alaric’s ring, which doubles in volume upon melting, all over it.  SHENANIGANS

Gilbert House

Stefan shows up to pick up Elena, who is looking rather cute in her little flapper dress, and that’s me saying that as someone who pretty much hated the 20’s. 

STEFAN:  Here, I got you one lame-ass flower. That makes up for all the mean stuff I said and did to you and your friends, right?

ELENA:  Totes.  Let’s go!

Have you noticed how when Elena’s in shots with Stefan that are supposed to be romantic, she’s made up like a teenager (or a child), but in shots with Damon she wears way more eyeliner and mascara, even to bed?  Just an observation.

Stefan points out, quite rightly, that their dance karma is kind of on “dung beetle” level, but Elena is undaunted.  Seriously, I’m with Stefan on this one – by now Elena should be barricaded in her house with a cache of military grade weapons and ten years’ worth of canned beans.

Ain’t No Party Like a MFHS Party, Cuz a MFHS Party Got No Chaperones!

Music, dancing, disco ball…which I don’t get…what is supposed to make this look like the 20s again?  Besides the costumes. The kids are all flailing around pretty convincingly.  Lots of elbows. It’s epic.

Caroline and Tyler get their flirt on.  Caroline looks adorable too.

Unfortunately Caroline has appointed herself Destroyer of Romantic Illusions, as she tells Matt not to get up on Elena since people tend to get hurt around her.  Aha, maybe that’s it!   Maybe she’s pushing Stefan on Elena so that Stefan will get killed.

*sigh*

Moments later Tyler shows up and informs Caroline he’s determined to sweep her off her feet.  Tyler actually admits point-blank to being jealous of Klaus, which is way more emotionally mature than 90% of teenage boys, so go Tyler!

In order for the CW to make back the cash it spent on sets and extras, we’re treated to a number of crowd shots and moments of the various cast members dancing and twirling their fringe.

Then, Elena decides now is a great time to tell Stefan she made out with his brother (kind of like the last time, when Stefan was on the ground bleeding), but thankfully, Stefan doesn’t want to hear about it; he gives her a very fair and grown-up speech about how he’s just happy to be her date tonight.

Which on the surface seems really cool of him, but when you think about it, the fact that Elena doesn’t protest, and doesn’t bring it up again, tells you all you really need to know about who she’s going to pick.  If she honestly had any intention of choosing Damon, she would try harder to explain things to Stefan, because she has always felt like she has to justify everything to him.  Not to mention Stefan being all cool about it is the behavior of someone who already knows the outcome.  At this point it’s all about the show picking the right background song for their tender yet epic reunion sex.

Luckily for the plot, which is flopping around on the bottom of the boat by now, Damon shows up and informs the two that they need to talk. 

Jeremy sees the trio head off out of the gym and follows.  He bumps into Bonnie and Jamie.

JEREMY:  Oh, hey, dude – sorry I bumped into you.  You’re probably going to die, just so you know.

BONNIE:  Why are you wearing that ring?

JEREMY:  Because my sister is hoping she’ll end up with no family at all so she can run off with her vampire of choice with no ties to this stupid little town.  Bye!

Outside, the trio square off on the Alaric Problem.

DAMON:  Kill him.

STEFAN:  Rehabilitate him.

ELENA:   Whatever you guys think.

Jeremy stalks up just long enough to register his disapproval on the whole kill-Alaric thing, then huffs away in anger rather than offering a viable solution.

Elena follows him outside, insisting that nobody’s going to hurt Ric; Jeremy seems to believe it about as much as we do. 

ESTHER:  Elena, You Must Come With Me.

ELENA:  Oh for fuck’s sake, not you again.

ESTHER:  Willingly Or Not You Will Come With Me To Save Your Friend Alaric.

And Elena, of course, skips blithely along after her, telling Jeremy to fetch the brothers.

At this point we find out that in the last nanosecond Esther has somehow laid down a six-inch-thick salt line around what I assume is at least the whole gym if not the whole school and sealed the vampires in.  In full view of a hundred teenagers.

SHENANIGANS SHENANIGANS SHENANIGANS SHENANIGANS

DAMON:  Hey, Jeremy, you’re human – kick the salt line so it’s broken, and we’ll waltz right out of here.

JEREMY: Hey, great idea!

Jeremy kicks the salt line as do a dozen other people walking through it, rendering the boundary nonexistent.

NO, WAIT.  THEY ALL JUST STAND THERE.  THEY DON’T EVEN TRY!

SHENANIGANS SHENANIGANS SHENANIGANS SHENANIGANS

Meanwhile, in an empty classroom, Bonnie and Jamie talk about her friends, Jamie expressing that they’re not exactly the Brady Bunch. 

I gotta say the girls’ outfits in this ep are pretty fabulous, even though I hate 20s fashion – it only flatters women built basically straight up and down with a minimum of natural curve, and luckily that describes most television actresses.  Bonnie’s looking pretty swanky.  Jamie on the other hand looks like a cast extra from the “Chim Chim Cheree” scene in Mary Poppins.

That doesn’t stop Bonnie from pouncing on the guy–and I mean pouncing.  Go Bonnie!  They get a couple of seconds of teenage normalcy before Damon, who is the Official Cockblocker of Episode 320, appears with his patented “We’ve got a problem.”

I’ve never been a huge Bonnie fan but damn, that girl never catches a break, does she?  All her friends get laid – Elena’s got hot and cold running Salvatores and Caroline has a werewolf on one hand and Klaus on the other, and either girl could snap her fingers and turn her house into the Kama Sutra, but Bonnie can’t even make out for five minutes without someone needing some lame-ass spell.

Graveyard, Crypt-Adjacent

Esther tosses Elena some bullshit about how she’s sorry to drag her away from her funtimes, but the Doppelganger always gets blood-sucked by somebody or another.  Elena begs her not to hurt Alaric, but Evilaric appears to let her know that’s not really the issue at hand.

Apparently Esther wants to make an Ubervamp out of Alaric, because that would obviously solve everything, and something about his hatred of vampires being pure and uncompromising and SHENANIGANS SHENANIGANS SHENANIGANS.

Oh, and also, Esther was hanging out in the afterlife cranking up Alaric’s Evil-o-meter to 11 every time he died.  Which…doesn’t explain why Samantha Gilbert went evil, unless Esther was oh fuck it SHENANIGANS.

Back at the Dance

Tyler and Caroline are cozy on the dance floor when who should arrive but Klaus, looking insanely classy and dapper in a white suit. 

Klaus cuts in on their dance, which Caroline objects to but Tyler, pretending to still be sired, obliges to, leading to probably the best exchange in the whole episode:

CAROLINE:  Why do you always have to prove you’re the alpha male?

KLAUS:  I don’t have to prove anything, love, I am the alpha male.

Klaus pours on the charm, but Caroline’s not having it. 

KLAUS:  Baby, if I could rearrange the alphabet of my childhood, I’d put the rune for U and the rune for I together and it would probably create a binding runescript that would blight the crops for four years but that’s okay because you so fine.

CAROLINE:  What?

KLAUS:  I’m leaving tomorrow, and I know you won’t come with me–but one of these days you’ll realize that this town is incredibly boring (once everyone’s dead that is) and you’ll come looking for me so bye.

Klaus stalks outside, but stops short when he sees the magic salt line that still hasn’t been walked through by a single person.

STEFAN:  Yo mama.

Inside, Bonnie is muttering her seven words of witch latin (THESMATOS, BITCHES!) I assume to break the barrier spell.

Klaus’s idea of speeding things up is to try and strangle Jamie.  Well, sure.

STEFAN:  Come on, Klaus, threatening Bonnie’s boo isn’t the way to go.  If she’s all shaky and stuttering she might accidentally turn us all into wheat smut.  Step off and let her chant, dude.

Klaus, being sired to Stefan and all, lets Jamie go.  Finally Jeremy and Matt figure out that humans can leave the school, so they can stop Esther.

Graveyard

While Esther lights a zillion candles (Bonnie can light them with her brain, you know.  Just sayin.)  Elena tries to do that reasoning thing with Ric, and it works about as well as her reasoning always does, meaning, it gets Ric to tell us more about his evil side and that’s about it.

Esther magics blood out of Elena…even though nobody’s ever done that before SHENANIGANS! And starts her spell, which of course has to end in stabbity.

Mystic High

Bonnie pauses in the urgency of finding Esther to give Damon some of her patented self-righteousness.  I haven’t noticed her giving Stefan any, even though both of them were in on the whole let’s kill Abby thing.  Actually if Bonnie’s going to be pissed at anyone who was down with that plan, she’d have to be mad at THE ENTIRE FANDOM.

Over in the now-empty gym (is there anything sadder than an empty gym still decorated for a school dance?) Caroline tries to reassure Tyler that he’s not going to get killed, but Tyler’s feeling a bit morose and wonders if they shouldn’t just let Esther kill Klaus.

TYLER:  I hate Klaus!  I let him dance with you!

CAROLINE:  Um…how exactly were you going to prevent that, bucko? Did you get some reinforcing steel rods installed in your neck so he can’t slap your head off?

TYLER:  I got your steel rod right here.

CAROLINE:  *slurp*

Graveyard

Elena de-stakes dead Evilaric, while Esther continues to pontificate about how righteous she is and how this is NOTHING like what she did to her kids, because of…the reason.  Oh, okay, Alaric will die once he’s done, so instead of creating an immortal race of murderers, she’s destroying a good human to create a rage-filled robot to do her bidding which she will then kill.

Yeah, sure.  That’s way better.  Bitch.

We do find out that Alaric might be himself again for a minute when he wakes up before the transition is complete.  Gee, I wonder if that will be important later?

Esther makes the mistake of playing the Jenna card, and Elena about scratches her face off.

Okay, mostly she just stands there crying, but still, she’s clearly unhappy about it.

Just as an aside, I HATE the way Esther says “vampire.”  I just want to punch her in the head every time it comes out of her mouth.  Actually I want to punch her in the head every second she’s on screen, so since she says “vampire” every third word, it works out well for me.

Just then Jeremy and Matt show up, armed and semi-dangerous, except that Esther uses her witchy mojo to make them point their weapons at each other because Esther’s magic can do anything.  SHENANIGANS.

But before she can make them fire, being so protective of human life and all,

ALALARIC:  Temporarily sane me FTW!

He stabs the bejesus out of her, and she goes down. 

Alaric clearly has no memory of the last day or two, which means he doesn’t know what Esther has done to him–by Elena’s quivering lip we know she’ll be the one to tell him.

The School, Outside

Klaus and Stefan circle each other trading quips and barbs.  Then Damon shows up, and Klaus needles the boys about Elena picking one over the other, but it’s nothing we haven’t heard before.

Bonnie comes outside to let them know the boundary is lifted.  I think it would have been funny for her to just hang out and let them think it was still there for like twelve hours while everyone else dealt with the situation, then called Stefan and was all, “BAZINGA!”

The Crypt

Jeremy tells Alaric and Elena that Damon’s there and that Klaus took Esther’s body.  He can tell by their faces that something’s up.

ALARIC:  Jeremy…I’m not going to become an Ubervamp.

JEREMY:  But I’ve already got the action figure!

The next few scenes are excruciating, which makes the ending piss me off even more, but:

Alaric says his goodbyes to his kids, and somehow Elena makes their goodbye about her (It’s all my fault!) as if he didn’t have any choice in his own fate.  She claims that she forced him to stay there and take care of her and Jeremy even though he didn’t want to be part of it.

ALARIC:  Oh, Elena…we both know I didn’t “take care” of jack shit.  But it’s been great, really…almost like I had a purpose in life for a while.

Alaric walks Elena out of the crypt, to find that almost the entire cast is standing around in a semicircle, showing Alaric he’s not alone.  It’s incredibly touching other than the fact that it’s got the fucking Fray in the background.  That guy’s voice is like nails in my brain.

The camera moves from face to face, and we see Damon in three-quarter profile trying to look strong, and Matt with red eyes, and then finally Meredith.

Alaric gives a nod and a small smile, then walks into the crypt and shuts the door behind him.

Haus of Klaus

Klaus undaggers Rebekah, and takes the opportunity to yell at his dead mother in her coffin.

You know, at this point, the wise thing would be to burn her body and sow her ashes with salt.  Please?

Bonnie’s House

Wait…Bonnie has a HOUSE?  SHE LIVES SOMEWHERE?  No way!  Next thing you know we’ll meet her dad!

Jamie comforts Bonnie.  That’s basically it. 

Mystic Grill

Matt and Jeremy have a drink in Alaric’s honor.

The DEA bursts into the bar and arrests Matt for serving alcohol to a minor.

Nah, just kidding.  Jeremy cries.  He’s rocking the single man-tear pretty well, I must say. 

The School

Elena, who is long overdue for a screaming fit, is trying to clean out Alaric’s office in that way people in shock usually do before having a screaming fit.  Stefan interrupts her and convinces her to follow him.

He leads her to the sad, empty gym and reminds her this is where he bit her and killed Dana and turned off his feelers.

ELENA:  That’s really comforting, Stefan thanks.

Stefan starts talking about how Elena told him feelings are good and being sad is okay, but all I can really focus on is how his hair looks like the feathered crest of some sort of bird, or possibly Quetzalcoatl.  At some point, though, something he says makes Elena start sobbing and hug him.

The Crypt

Meredith and Damon actually bond a little, which pleases me.  I like the thought of them getting closer after Alaric’s death.

Meredith tells him he shouldn’t leave Ric alone to die, and after a moment Damon seems to agree; he joins Ric in the crypt, bringing along one last bottle of booze.

Alaric makes fun of Damon for giving Rose a pre-death paradise dream, and it’s so sad and funny, because their relationship has always been one of the best things on the show – they should hate each other, and sort of do in a way, but depend on each other far more. 

And now Damon’s going to be left without his bestie, and Elena and Jeremy without their doomed mostly-inept parental figure, and Meredith without her squeeze, and all so that Esther could further her stupid agenda that doesn’t even entirely make sense. 

As they sit quipping at each other and passing the bottle, we can see the tears falling from Alaric’s eye that Damon can’t see. 

Bonnie’s House

For reasons I can’t even begin to fathom, Bonnie and Jamie are still in costume as they sleep spooning – what the hell?  In that getup, I’d have changed into my jammies the minute I walked in the house, especially after a night like that, boy or no boy.  At least men’s clothes are marginally comfortable regardless of the decade – can you imagine trying to sleep on all those damn beads?

So a whispering voice wakes Bonnie up, and who should it be but Esther’s spirit calling from beyond the grave telling her to “finish her work.”

About this time I get a terrible gnawing feeling in my gut realizing what’s going to happen, and I’m tempted to throw my remote at the screen so hard I don’t have to see it.

The Crypt

Alaric finally drifts off, and Damon, with tears in his eyes, finishes the bottle of booze with a salute to his friend.

As he walks out, though, he’s confronted by Bonnie.  Damon doesn’t get that anything’s wrong at first – in fact he’s remarkably nice to her for Damon, probably since he just lost his BFF and all.  Bonnie gives him a witchy migraine for  his trouble.

Bonnie marches into the tomb and cuts open her palm (what IS it with these people and bleeding from palms?  Not the best choice!  Not even in the top 20!) then forces Alaric, who I guess still had a little life left in him, to drink it.

Alaric gets up, all veiny and blood-dripping, holding the Last Pointy MacGuffin (now with optional chrome trim), and I assume his programming kicks in.

SHENANIGANS SHENANIGANS SHENANIGANS.

Okay, guys, I just have to come out and say it.  I’ve tried so hard to just keep it to myself, because I didn’t want to be involved in the Shipper Shitstorm, but here it is:

I’m pretty much on team Damon/Elena.  And it has nothing to do with who’s “better” for her – let’s face it, what would be GOOD for Elena is for everyone to ship her with her 21^st birthday.

Why do I ship it, then?  I WANT TO SEE THE SEXING.  See, tonight’s mega-awesome kiss was exactly how I wanted Damon/Elena to go at it:  grasping, up against a wall, hard, like two people who have given in to something bigger than logic and deeper than good sense.  All this “Stefan’s love is pure” crap also describes his shagging:  it’s Sarah McLachlan sex.  I want to see Nine Inch Nails “Closer” sex between Damon and Elena.  Because their relationship is so loaded with sexual tension, Elena’s bullshit denial, and Damon’s inability to do anything halfway, when they finally do go there, the bed is going to CATCH FIRE.

Stefan and Elena are romantic, in that Twilighty, forbidden love kind of way, and there’s a place for that, but not in the heart of this 34 year old Scorpio who wants to see Damon hit that like he’s on Jeopardy and the category is “Whiskey.”  I totally understand why people ship Stefan/Elena (I refuse to use those ridiculous smooshed names, I’m sorry – they’re two people, they get two names, period.) because it speaks to that whole “swept away by love” idea.  But I don’t want to watch that kind of relationship because it’s boring.  It’s been done.  I want to see HOT MONKEY LOVIN’ and I want to see how Elena deals with a relationship that’s so intense and physical instead of all flowers and foreheads.

I don’t care about the endgame, because by its nature, it’s the end, and by then all our theories will be moot.  I just want to see it happen, even if it’s just for one night that ends up having terrible consequences.  I want to see Elena really just GET UP ON THAT and ride that boy like Seabiscuit.  Please?

Anyway, to the recap.  Ahem.

Salvatore Den of Antiquities – Basement Dungeon

There sure are a lot of dungeons, caves, and cave-like cells on this show. 

Elena arrives with some supplies for Alaric, who has decided locked up is the place to be if you’re Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Homicide. 

ELENA:  Ric, is it you?

RIC:  Of course it is! There’s no way my evil half would lie and pretend to be me!

ELENA:  Oh, by the way…Stefan has decided I need to go on a road trip with Damon so I can “figure out my feelings,” which I think means “so Damon can fuck things up like he does and I’ll hate him again and want Stefan only forever nom nom nom.”  And I think there’s something about Jeremy going on too, but who cares?

ALARIC:  Y’know, I’m kind of glad I’ll probably be dead-for-good pretty soon so I don’t have to see how your love life turns out.

Up in the room with the big fireplace, which is required in all standing structures built in Mystic Falls, Stefan’s got his brood on, and he and Damon discuss whether or not Stefan will be ruthless enough to get the information they need out of Evilaric.

STEFAN:  Sure I will.

DAMON:  No you won’t.

Whereupon Elena arrives and we find out that the “road trip” is actually a flight, because someone finally realized that the entire continental US is not within driving distance and Damon’s car is not a TARDIS.

Mystic Falls High School

I know we’ve been hearing from the episode synopses and images that there’s going to be another goddamned Decade Dance, but still…really? 

Caroline, chairman of everything, arrives at the school to discover Rebekah has totally bogarted her dance.  She’s even got Matt on her side, and I gotta say I agree with them that the 20s is way less terrifying, in a fashion sense, than the 70s. 

CAROLINE:  Fine!  I’ll just storm off in a huff!

*huff huff huff*

Matt runs after her to soothe her ruffled boa, and we discover that Matt and Caroline were in cahoots…um, I’m not sure why.

CAROLINE:  I’m going to run off for illicit shaggings!

MATT:  I’m so happy to help my ex girlfriend get laid by my friend!

I assume the reason they’re pulling this whole charade is that if Bex knew Tyler was around she’d probably tell Klaus, and Klaus might try something sire-y with Tyler.  I guess. 

Basement Dungeon of Antiquities

Stefan brings a bottle of booze to share with Alaric. 

Naturally the first thing they talk about is Elena and Damon’s road trip.

STEFAN:  You know, all the work I’ve done to not be a murdering dickbag is totally worthless if she’s into my brother…which we know she is, but we’re pretending not to, because we need emotional tension in the back half of the season so we can build up to some kind of sucker punch in the finale.

ALARIC:  So…this whole gaining control thing is all about Elena, and not about the dozens of innocent people you killed and would continue to kill if you went over the edge again?  Wow, I sure do want you for my not-quite-son-in-law.

Denver

Okay, I know we’re skipping a lot of needless exposition in this episode, but I’m curious how Elena knew exactly where Jeremy was.  I guess she called whatever nebulous relatives he was staying with (who are hopefully going to take care of his dog). 

Jeremy is surprised to see Elena and Damon, and Damon laments that he didn’t compel Jeremy to be better at baseball.  Dude, if you can compel athletic ability, how about compelling the kid some ninja skills or something that might be useful?

DAMON:  Hey, Jeremy!  We need you to whisper us a ghost.

JEREMY:  Sure, happy to help, but first I have to play ball with my friend.

KOL:  Baseball skills would actually be helpful here.  Observe:

Kol beats the shit out of Damon with a bat.  Damon does this really awesome move and impales Kol on a broken bat…and they LEAVE HIM THERE IN PLAIN SIGHT!  This is not Mystic Falls, you guys!  Denver might actually have functional law enforcement!

DAMON:  Let’s not be here anymore.

Denver-Adjacent LaQuinta

(LaQuinta, as we know, is Spanish for “next to Denny’s.”)

Obviously we haven’t gone too far, as there are mountains pasted to the background.

ELENA:  This should be a great spot for Jeremy to do his thing, right?  Hey, that wall right there looks nice and sturdy.  That’s always good.

Jeremy asks if Damon has a picture of Rose – I guess since vampires in this universe show up in mirrors they must photograph, too, but of course Damon and Rose’s relationship didn’t really leave much time for making duck faces in the photo booth at the local burger joint.

JEREMY:  Okay, tell me something about her, then.

DAMON:  She loved horsies. And historically inaccurate dresses.  But then, on this show, who doesn’t?

ROSE:  See if I ever hop into Jeremy’s body so we can make out.

Extremely Non-Dangerous Mystic Woods

Tyler and Caroline rendezvous.  They get it on in the werewolf torture cave, for some reason. 

Outside Haus of Klaus

Matt gives Bex a ride home from school, and he plays his nice-guy part very smoothly, which makes me kind of sad.  Bex can be an enormous bitch, but it’s such a shame that no matter who’s plotting against whom she always seems to end up betrayed.  Everyone keeps talking about how needy she is, but maybe they’re focusing on the wrong thing – maybe the problem is how awful everyone else is to her.

Speaking of awful, Rebekah walks into the house to find Esther hanging out in front of the big fireplace (as per Mystic Falls Building Code section 3.1.1).

BEX:  I KEEL YOU.

ESTHER:  Do it quick, sweetie, or miss your chance.

Denver-Adjacent LaQuinta

Rose and Jeremy have a rather hilariously edited-for-Elena conversation.  We learn that Rose is doing well on the Other Side, because she doesn’t have to live in fear anymore.  We also learn Rose is Team Damon – too bad Jeremy doesn’t convey that part. After all, if anyone could give an informed opinion about the merits of Getting Up On That, it’s Rose. 

I don’t get the Rose hate in the fandom.  No, she’s not a big ol’ badass, but not all people are, even vampires.  Becoming immortal doesn’t guarantee you’ll be fearless and confident like Caroline.  I think she was a good character because she had a perspective nobody else does – that of an adult female who isn’t another character’s mother.  I wasn’t upset that she died, because a) it created a fantastic character growth moment for Damon and b) I don’t think she would have been a sustainable character over the long-term.

Anyway, Rose informs the team that she wasn’t sired by an Original, but by some woman named Mary Porter, who Damon seems to have heard of.  Rose tells Jeremy she’ll go do some poking around and try to find Mary’s current address.

Basement Dungeon (Not the Werewolf dungeon, the other one. No, not the one under the jail, the OTHER other one.)

Stefan and Alaric discuss Ric’s alter ego.

ALARIC:  My other half is such a dick.

STEFAN:  Dude, vampires have caused your life to suck in 100 different ways not including boning your wife.

RIC:  …fair point.

They start to discuss the nature of people’s dark sides, but before they can really break out the Psych 101 textbook, Klaus shows up.

KLAUS: Got my stake?

Stefan, for some reason, feels the need to explain to Klaus all about vampire blood lines and pretty much everything anyone is doing, because Stefan is incapable of keeping his trap shut.  Upon hearing that Ric needs to lose consciousness in order to flip and reveal the location of the Last Pointy MacGuffin, Klaus is all,

KLAUS:  *necksnappity*

RIC:  Oh, for fuck’s sake.  *is dead again*

Denver-Adjacent LaQuinta

It cracked me up for no real reason that Damon is carrying the motel ice bucket.  God, how many times have I run down the halls of a motel wrapped in a sheet to get ice from the machine? 

Um, never, obviously.

The boys have a phone conversation in which Stefan seems genuinely surprised that Damon, Elena, and Jeremy are staying overnight in a motel…because he expected them to get there and back all in one day?  Or because he expected them to sleep on a bench in a park somewhere?  Mostly it’s just funny watching his face as he wonders if Jeremy’s a light enough sleeper to cockblock Damon.

Jeremy McJudgeypants starts to give Elena the 3^rd Degree about her love life, which really should creep him out way too much to grill her over it, but hey, he’s a big grown up 16 now, and clearly he has the moral high ground as he has never, ever shagged a vampire.

Oh, wait.

DAMON:  I’m going to go take a shower and, using double-sided tape, ensure that my shirt will remain open to the perfect width and not fall in an awkward direction like, say, up into my armpit, thereby distracting everyone from my abs.

ELENA:  Awesome! I’m going to put on my plaid flannel pajamas, because I’m confused about my feelings…nope, sorry, I meant my hoochie negligee and extra eyeliner.

Haus of Klaus

Esther, who still sounds like every word out of her mouth is capitalized, explains to Rebekah that once Abby Bennett (oh yeah, her) died, Esther started dying because the link to the bloodline zzzzzzzzzzz.

REBEKAH:  Serves you right for trying to kill me.

ESTHER:  But My Darling Daughter, I Have Watched You Suffer From Beyond For 1000 Years, And It Got Really Boring, So You Have Outlived Your Natural Lifespan And Must Kick Off.

REBEKAH:  If we’re going to split hairs over what’s natural and what’s just flat out creepy, how about having a witch preserve your dead body for 1,000 years and then jumping back into it so you can kill your entire family?

ESTHER:  That Is Different, Because Of The Reason.

Esther then takes Rebekah’s hands, spasms a bit, and dies.

KLAUS:  Help me move the couch, Bex, I’m going to do a cartwheel.

Werewolf Cave of Illicit Shaggins

You know what’s weird about this episode?  Normally I love all things Caroline and her interaction with Tyler is usually great, but this time it was the least interesting thing about the episode.  It felt like their scenes dragged on forever.

Anyway, in the cave that has mysteriously sprouted candles and blankets, the lovebirds discuss how much they’ve missed each other.  Then Caroline pretty much ruins any chance of a second go round by telling Tyler about the bloodline problem, which she blames entirely on Damon.  The hell?  STEFAN IS THE ONE WHO’S BEEN RECKLESSLY GUNNING FOR KLAUS.  They’ve both been involved.  So is everyone else. 

None of that really matters, though, because like I said, it’s the least fun part of the episode, as evidenced by:

LaQuinta of Smoldering Looks Et Cetera

Elena lays awake surreptitiously watching Damon’s bare chest as he pours a drink and sits in the motel porchlight.  When Damon inevitably notices her staring, she pretends (lamely) to be asleep.  Smooth, Elena.

Damon joins her on the bed, as he’s done before.

ELENA:  I didn’t know you gave Rose happy death dreams.

DAMON:  Well, believe it or not, it wasn’t about you.

ELENA:  Of course it was.  But you did something nice, and you didn’t tell anyone about it.  Why?

DAMON:  I don’t want to be typecast as Nice Guy.  I prefer Antihero, or possibly Lovable Scamp.

They stare at each other intently until Elena can’t stand it and turns over–panting.  She’s actually panting.  I totally don’t blame her, but still, how is she still acting like she doesn’t know if she has feelings for the guy when she’s PANTING OVER HIM?

Damon reaches down and very gingerly takes her hand, which is one of the hottest things I’ve ever seen on this show.  Elena, overwhelmed, jumps out of bed and charges outside all atwitter.

By now, of course, we’re rocking Florence + the Machine, so you know something awesome and cinematically pleasing is about to happen.

I think they talk.  I don’t really pay attention.  I’m far more interested in the tongue.   The…erm, music…swells, and Elena launches herself at Damon.  Up-against-a-wall snogging ensues, complete with grabby hands and gaspy breaths and at this point I was basically pumping my fist in the air yelling something about Seabiscuit.

When we return from commercial, Jeremy fucks everything up, as little brothers are wont to do.

JEREMY:  Um…Rose called.  That Mary person everyone’s forgotten about is in Kansas.  Also, Elena, you appear to have smoke rising from your panties.

Salvatore Basement Cave Cell Thing

Alaric finally wakes up from his death.  Stefan is sitting nearby reading Moby Dick, which gives me a giggle–just something about him chilling with a book while Ric’s not decomposing is so delightfully absurd.

ALARIC:  This is stupid.  Why would evil me come out of hiding and risk having to tell you where the Last Pointy MacGuffin is?  All he has to do is hang out by my amygdala until Klaus gets tired and kills all of you.  Obviously the only solution is for you to threaten my life.

STEFAN:  Your logic does not resemble our Earth logic.

RIC:  I WANT YOU TO HIT ME AS HARD AS YOU CAN.

STEFAN:  Oh, whatever.  *beatdown*

Scary Mary’s House of Creeps

My God.  Vampires CAN fold space-time!  A six hour drive has been accomplished before dawn!

Come to find out, Damon knew Mary Porter, aka Scary Mary, back in the day, nudge nudge, wink wink.  Elena acts like she’s disgusted by the notion.  Damon has forgotten he’s required to save his junk just for Elena in case she should ever decide she has a use for it.  Silly Damon.

As you might expect, Scary Mary is dead, staked to the wall by none other than Kol, who I hope didn’t sire anyone I like, because it would really be a shame not to kill his snotty ass.

He administers another baseball bat beating to Damon, throws Elena at a wall, and then…doesn’t kill Damon, strangely enough.  You’d think by now the Originals would have decided they’re done watching the monkeys dance, but I guess not.

Also, Kol has been informed of the bloodline situation, so he muddies the waters by telling them that Mary might have been sired by him, or Klaus, or maybe Elijah, who knows? 

So…if Damon knew Mary at one time, why don’t they try to have Jeremy contact her too now that she’s an ex-vampire? 

Salvatore Dungeon of Disturbingly Sexy Violence

Stefan continues smacking Alaric around until Ric starts bleeding, which is a bit of a problem for Stefan.  Alaric, however, thinks it’s great.

RIC:  Come at me bro!

STEFAN:  I mustn’t!

Despite the fact that we know how fragile Stefan is with the whole murder thing, Ric pushes him into attacking and urges him to give in to his dark impulses.  Stefan is understandably not cool with that.  At first, anyway.  But we all know what’s going to happen, right?

EVILARIC:  Mua ha ha.

Evilaric taunts Stefan for being pathetic, a bad vampire, and so forth.  The dialogue in and of itself isn’t all that compelling, but Matt Davis plays creepy psycho guy really, really well. 

There’s a lot of punching and growling of “WHERE’S THE STAKE?” before Stefan finally gets Evilaric to fess up:  he hid the stake in the Cave of Wonders, where vampires can’t go.  That’s actually really smart, ‘cause it’s not like the Salvatores know any humans who could go down there and get it for them.

Oh, wait.

Unfortunately for Stefan, Klaus and Rebekah are hanging out in the living room (in front of the obligatory fireplace) and heard the whole thing.

Mary’s House

Damon is a bit on the battered side, but it’s nothing some vampire chiropractic crack-a-lackin’ can’t fix. Elena has a bruise or something.

He tries to fuss over her, complete with eye sex, but Elena pulls away.  Finally Damon realizes what’s going on.

DAMON:  Wow, you’re astonishingly manipulative.

ELENA:  But I don’t know if I have feelings for you!

DAMON:  WOMAN, ARE YOU KIDDING ME WITH THIS?  An entire season of meaningful touches, longing looks, porch kissing, and arguing, and you still don’t know?

ELENA:  Hey, I burned through my favorite panties for you!

DAMON:  This is bullshit.

He basically tells her, finally, that he’s tired of being dicked around, and she needs to figure her shit out without treating him like a relationship lab rat.  Looked at from his perspective, the whole trip was really cynically orchestrated–Stefan, hoping deep down Damon would screw up, and Elena hoping the same thing so she’d have an excuse to go back to Stefan and suppress her feelings for Damon.  While I don’t think either of them were actively thinking that–I don’t think Elena has it in her to be quite that nefarious, or, let’s face it, that clever–I can completely see Damon’s point.   

He has, after all, been screwed over by women wearing that face for quite some time.

Den of Antiquities

Rebekah drags Evilaric off to fetch the stake, leaving Klaus and Stefan alone so they can have a nice lovers’ quarrel.

Klaus, as is his custom, is clinging to the past, hoping he can get his Rippah friend to come back to him since he doesn’t have a coffin to stuff Stefan in.  Stefan isn’t having any of it, though.

STEFAN:  I’m Mr. Control now.  Because I attacked Alaric…or something.  Even though I just told him I didn’t have control, in the space of five minutes I’ve become the Zen Vampire Master.  So you have no power over me, Goblin King.  Don’t let the door hitcha where the good Lord splitcha.

Only it sounds a lot more badass the way he says it. 

An SUV, An Awkward Silence, And Thou

Our three intrepid ghost hunters, or whatever, have rented a vehicle to drive back to Mystic Falls…or maybe they’re folding space-time again to go from Kansas back to Denver in that same night so they can catch the red-eye home.  Who the fuck knows at this point?

Rose pops up in the back seat with Jeremy to drop some knowledge on him.  It’s basically what every adult in the audience has already said at some point.

ROSE:  Stefan’s all sweet and lovey and stuff when he’s not homicidal, but Damon’s the one who challenges Elena when he’s not homicidal.  The lovey stuff is fine while you’re a teenager but if you ever hope to be an actual grownup you need more than dopamine and oxytocin.  So stop being all judgey, Mr. I Dated Two Vampires.

JEREMY:  I was kind of hoping everyone had forgotten about that by now.

Caroline’s House

Oh, yeah, these guys were in this episode too.  Tyler’s going to stay over, or at least he is until he finds the pony picture Klaus drew Caroline and flips the fuck out over it rather than actually trusting her when she says there’s nothing going on. 

Hey, for all we know she’s saving the picture because after Klaus is dead it’ll be worth money.  Tyler isn’t thinking about investment potential, though, because I don’t think werewolves are immortal but Caroline is going to need hundreds of years’ worth of shopping money. 

Cave of Wonders

Evilaric farts around digging for the Last Pointy MacGuffin.  Rebekah watches.  One he finds it, he decides since he’s safe in the vampire-free zone he can bargain over it.

REBEKAH:  Yeah, about that…

She walks into the cave like it ain’t no thang.

ESTHER, WEARING REBEKAH:  Surprise!  It Turns Out I’m Not So Dead After All, And You And I Can Team Up To Kill My Kids.

EVILARIC:  Mua ha ha.

A lot of people flipped out over Rebekah’s ability to walk into the cave–she’s still a vampire’s body, after all.  But I recall Klaus-in-Alaric performing a number of feats of strength a human can’t really do.  And we’ve never established what exactly it is that keeps the vampires out–it probably has nothing to do with their bodies, and everything to do with energy or souls or something, so if Rebekah’s not there, whoever’s piloting her overrides the program.

Of course if that’s true then it stands to reason all the other vampire stuff wouldn’t count for Rebekah right now, either…but again, given the diversity of vampire mythology, there doesn’t have to be one consistent rule across the board.   Naturally I’d prefer consistency, but if we live in a world where people accept sparkly vampires, surely we can deal with a few iffy rules.