You know what I don’t get? Okay, let me make a short list, which is by no means exhaustive.

1. Why in the seven levels of hell did Elena’s parents stay in Mystic Falls given that, according to Abby Bennett, they knew she was the Doppelganger? Of all the billionty places they could have lived that the Originals wouldn’t have looked–was it some kind of “hide in plain sight” thing? Whose brilliant idea was that?

2. Are we going to see Klaus do his body-switching trick again, or was that just a weird plot device? So far we haven’t heard a peep about it this season.

3. Why do I keep wanting to fall asleep every time Bonnie’s on screen this season? I should care way more about her and her mom’s drama, but they mostly just seem like a massive monkey wrench that keeps interrupting the story’s rhythm. A really, really boring monkey wrench. This episode was great, but it would have been 10 times better without stopping to deal with the Witches. They’re a massive energy-suck. In his last 45 seconds on screen I gained more sympathy for Bad Daddy than I’ve had in two episodes for Abby.

That’s all I can think of right now. Let’s get down to business.

Could this pic BE any sexier, incidentally?

Right Where We Left Off at Haus of Klaus

Man, how long has this season gone on so far? Renovating a house takes months.

ELIJAH: Hi. *administers beatdown*

KLAUS: We really should sell tickets to this. It’s hotter than hell.

ELIJAH: Can we talk about that thing where you SUCK?

KLAUS: I do! Boy do I ever! Let me tell you the full story of my suckdom, because…erm…my honesty will win you over?

ELIJAH: …okay.

KLAUS: Hey, did you know that “gullible” isn’t in the dictionary?

ELIJAH: Yeah, fuck you too.

*title card*

Gilbert Haus

Alaric, bless him, is hung over and looking for aspirin. Elena’s up and ready for her Buffy jog.

ALARIC: I am an outstanding role model for young people.

ELENA: Dude, at this point, you’re the sanest person on this show who isn’t Caroline.

*doorbell*

SHERIFF FORBES: I’m here to violate police procedure.

ELENA: Must be Thursday.

SHERIFF: You know that chair leg we found in the douchey ME? It’s yours. And it’s got your prints on it.

Meanwhile, Damon is walking through a sunlit meadow. My hand to God.

ELENA, on the phone: The Sheriff doesn’t think I killed the guy, just that someone’s offing Council members.

DAMON: Meredith did it.

ALARIC: Sexyassholesayswhat?

DAMON: You told her where all your weapons were hidden. Weirdest come-on ever, by the way.

ALARIC: It worked on you.

DAMON: I’m special. Anyway, Meredith was the guy’s ex, it happened the night they fought, two and two equals psycho.

ELENA: I refuse to believe that. There’s no way Ric can be *that* godawful with women.

ALARIC: …

DAMON: …

ELENA: *facepalm*.

We see that the sunny meadow is, in fact, a meeting-place for Damon and Elijah…who has gotten a haircut and is holding a note that Damon tucked in his pocket after undaggering him.

ELIJAH: *has swagger*

DAMON: You don’t happen to know what’s in the Mystery Box, do you?

Rune-Carved Cave of Wonders

Stefan, Bonnie, and Abby (oh goody) head down into the cave, where Damon thoughtfully tucked the Mystery Box, or rather, had some human dudes tuck it for him since vampires can’t get in.

ABBY: What’s all this?

BONNIE: *explains the coffin plot for us again*

STEFAN: Okay, ladies, get to cracking.

ABBY: But I don’t have any magic!

STEFAN: Neither I nor my volumizing hair products give a rat’s ass. Get to work.

Stefan climbs out of the tunnel where Elena is waiting to confront him about possibly killing the ME.

Stefan, for some reason, is having trouble with the fact that she thinks he might be a murdering dick, on account of his being a murdering dick and all.

Y’know, I’d like this whole Darth-Stefan-morphing-back-into-boring-Stefan thing much better if he wasn’t acting like it’s everyone’s fault (meaning Damon’s) that he pushed Elena away. Yes, Stefan got with Klaus to save Damon’s life, but who exactly was he saving when he drove Elena over that bridge? That right there would be psychotic enough to break up a normal couple.

I’m not arguing that Damon’s better–just that Stefan, all on his own of his own free will, has done enough to drive Elena away. If the result of being conflicted is Stefan turns into a petulant child, I’d really, really rather him stay evil.

Actually I would anyway because evil Stefan is awesome. But I digress.

Mystic Falls General Hospital

Caroline and Elena have come to pick up Bad Daddy, but Meredith informs her that he checked himself out. Meredith makes it clear she knows Caroline’s a fang-bearer, and I have to wonder how many other people in Mystic Falls know full well what’s going on in their midst but continue to live there anyway.

MEREDITH: Your dad’s a Grade-A cockweasel, by the way. I gotta go – I need to call Alaric and find out what the hell he meant by “epic threesome.”

Caroline tries to call her dad…only to hear his phone ringing somewhere nearby.

AUDIENCE: Oh boy, does that not bode well.

BAD DADDY: *is in a storage room, filed under S for Stabbity*

CAROLINE: Don’t be dead, Daddy, don’t be dead!

AUDIENCE: *wibble*

ELENA: He had vampire blood in his system, though, so–

BAD DADDY: *gaspawake*

Cave of Wonders

Bonnie lectures her mother on sucking, then conveniently has Abby’s grimoire open to exactly the page they need.

ABBY: See this symbol, the one that looks like a Japanese rope bondage trick? It means we need two generations to…do whatever. Seriously, I doubt anyone’s really paying attention to the mechanics of this spell, they just want us to get on with it.

BONNIE’S BROW: *furrows*

Salvatore Den of Antiquities

Stefan is flouncing about being a jerk, but he’s shirtless, so it’s all good. Damon informs him that they have a double date with the Original Boys to negotiate a truce or something like that, which is basically a ruse to buy time for the Witches to unseal the Mystery Box.

STEFAN: I’m sorry, I can’t hear you. You kissed my girlfriend.

DAMON: I’m sorry, I can’t hear you, I’m busy NOT DRIVING HER OVER THE BRIDGE WHERE HER PARENTS DIED. Also, kindly remember that Klaus is the reason all of this is happening. Now sack up and put on this shirt.

AUDIENCE: Nooooo! Dinner parties are always better without shirts!

MFGH

Bad Daddy is up and around and has somehow found a clean shirt. Caroline and Elena remind us all how turning into a vampire works, only to have Bad Daddy let us know that he may be an asshole but he’s a consistently written asshole who has no intention of turning into a vampire.

Gilbert House

Alaric lays out his entire arsenal to take inventory. Elena comes home with the knife that killed Bad Daddy.

ALARIC: This is from the crawlspace. Meredith knew where it was.

ELENA: Jesus Christ, how long were you two talking about weapons before you started making out? Did you give her a blueprint of the house too?

ALARIC: I sure know how to pick ‘em, don’t I.

ELENA: We should start a club.

Haus of Klaus – Guess Who’s Coming to Dinner?

For reasons known only to crazy hybrids, Klaus has found someone to cook a steak dinner for the boys, rather than just inviting them over for blondes.

KLAUS: *is jovial and homicidal*

STEFAN: I’m not here to negotiate. I’m here to make things uncomfortable.

DAMON: I can’t take you anywhere, can I. Come on, now, Mr. Grumpy Pants, here comes the airplane….

STEFAN: *deathglare*

KLAUS: I’m so glad you undaggered my brother.

DAMON: *winks at Elijah* The more the merrier.

ON SECOND VIEWING: *that line is pure awesome*

KLAUS: Of course, Elijah and I always manage to work things out, because we love each other and I’ll stab him and put him in a box if he doesn’t do what I want.

STEFAN: Wait, Klaus, where’s Rebekah? Oh, right, you daggered her too so you wouldn’t have to face up to killing your mom.

DAMON: *actual dialogue* Hey Stef, remember when you killed Dad? Might want to dial down the judgment till dessert.

Caroline’s Porch

CAROLINE: Do you think Meredith did this?

ELENA: Much as it sucks, probably, yeah.

Caroline and Elena’s ensuing conversation about her father is pretty heartbreaking, due mostly to Candice Accola, who is a magical unicorn made of wonderful.

CAROLINE: I don’t want my dad to die. Even after everything he did.

ELENA: You can’t force him to turn…you can’t take his choices away.

AUDIENCE: *cough*Jeremy*cough*

Matt shows up, and he and Caroline hug fiercely while she cries.

Still Less Awkward Than Most Family Thanksgivings

ELIJAH: So, where’s Elena?

KLAUS: Boy, did you miss a lot. You won’t believe this, but these two are fighting over a Petrova doppelganger.

ELIJAH: Now would be a great time to tell them about the Original Petrova, wouldn’t it?

KLAUS: Totally.

ELIJAH: Well, see, there was this girl, and Klaus and I both had a squish on for her. We knew she’d put out because she had already had a baby, thereby ensuring the bloodline continued, and there was all this competing and fighting over her until our mother pretty much killed her.

DAMON: Wait…your mom killed your girlfriend…to stop you from arguing?  And your dad killed all of you because he was too much of a dick to leave the werewolves alone? At least you people come by your batshit insanity honestly.

ELIJAH: It gets better. Mom fed us Tatia’s blood to turn us into vampires. So basically, having the hots for Petrovas is hereditary. Sorry, guys.

KLAUS: But we made up eventually, because family is the most important thing.

Damon and Stefan exchange a sullen but meaningful look.

Cave of Slow-Ass Pacing from Hell

Bonnie and Abby are trying to pop the Mystery Box. Bonnie lectures Abby again about being a shitty mom, and guilts her into trying again.

See, there? That took two sentences. Why did this scene have to take A MILLION YEARS, when there were way more exciting things happening elsewhere? Total flow-killer, I’m telling you.

Finally, the candles flare up and the box almost sort of jiggles a bit. Bonnie, convinced they’re getting somewhere, goes to call Damon and tell him they’re making progress.

Unfortunately that means she leaves Abby alone, and we know what happens to people left alone in creepy rooms.

MYSTERY BOX: *POPS*

ABBY: *gasps*

SCREEN: *goes black*

Back at Haus of Klaus

DAMON: So here’s the deal. We’ll give you back the coffin, but you and all your Original kin have to leave town forever.

KLAUS: Oh, I can’t do that. I need Elena’s blood handy for hybrid-making purposes. The hilarious thing is that eventually you’re going to get her killed–you two are the worst thing that could possibly happen to her.

I seem to recall Isobel saying something similar back in season 1. And it was pretty much true then too.

Damon looks upset by the words, and Stefan just looks pissed. Damon leaves to “get some air;” Elijah goes with him to make sure he doesn’t run off or steal the silver or anything. And as awesome as the conversation between Klaus and Stefan might have been, Klaus decides he’d rather eat the waitress.

Gilbert Haus

Matt has walked Elena home from Caroline’s.

MATT: This town is fucked up and wrong.

Elena can’t argue with that, but she doesn’t have to, because they walk in to find the electricity is inexplicably out.

AUDIENCE: RUN. RUN FAST AND FAR.

ELENA: *runs neither fast nor far, but finds a flashlight*

AUDIENCE: DO YOU EVEN WATCH THIS SHOW?

As she and Matt are digging around for candles, they find a pool of blood…and smeared handprints in blood leading up the stairs. In a show full of creepy shit, this is one of the creepiest things I’ve seen yet.

Worse yet? The blood trail leads to Alaric, who has been stabbed with what looks like the same knife as Bad Daddy.

Alaric is only mostly dead, however, and comes to long enough to tell Elena to kill him.

MATT: How about we call 911 instead?

ELENA: No, he’s right–if I kill him he’ll come back, because I’m a supernatural being. *stabbity*

MATT: THIS IS NOT OKAY.

Haus of Klaus

DAMON: So, about that deal?

KLAUS: How about instead I make sure Elena lives a long life and has lots of babies, and you two bugger off?

STEFAN: How about you suck my–

KLAUS: *flaming rage* Fetch my coffin, hot stuff, or Forehead here gets roasted.

DAMON: *sigh* Fine, fine. Hey Elijah, come with me.

Caroline’s House

Caro tries again to convince her dad not to die, but his mind is made up.

CAROLINE: I can’t believe you hate me this much!

BAD DADDY: No, I don’t hate you, sweetheart, I love you. Love the sinner hate the sin, right? Besides, you turned out so fantastic, even though you’re a bloodsucking hellbeast, that I’m almost sympathetic for a second.

Caroline breaks down sobbing. Bad Daddy, while consoling her, looks over at Sheriff Forbes, who is also crying.

Klaus Haus – Guess Who’s Coming to Dessert?

Klaus and Stefan face each other, Klaus demanding to know what happened to the Rippah he married…then Klaus’s expression changes.

KLAUS: Elijah…why aren’t you off getting the coffin with Damon?

ELIJAH: You forgot dessert.

Elijah reveals a tray bearing daggers.

ELIJAH: Incidentally? I’M THE BAMF AROUND HERE, BROTHER.

OTHER TWO ORIGINAL BROTHERS: Damn skippy.

REBEKAH: *stabbity*

ELIJAH: You boys can go. This is a family matter.

Stefan and Damon wisely exit stage left. Klaus actually looks terrified.

LET THE HEARTFELT MUSICAL MONTAGE BEGIN!

Caroline’s House

Bad Daddy is now an Ex Daddy. Caroline sits next to him, crying.  It’s very sad, of course, but I’m too busy singing “Ding Dong, the Cockweasel’s Gone.”

Gilbert Haus

Elena sits vigil with Alaric, who is still dead. She asks Matt to stay with her until he’s…less dead.

ELENA: I can’t lose any more family.

MATT: *hugs her tight*

Off in the Woods

STEFAN: Okay, fine, undaggering Elijah was a good idea.

DAMON: Don’t sound so excited.

STEFAN: You also saved my ass, which puts us at what, 15 to 1 on the ass-saving scale?

DAMON: Shut up.

STEFAN: If you’d left me there you would have had Elena all to yourself.

DAMON: I guess you haven’t noticed that this entire show revolves around the epic love between me and you, not us and Elena.

Gilbert House

Elena, on the phone with Sheriff Forbes, finds out that Meredith has an airtight alibi for Alaric’s stabbing. So that’s three people stabbed by an unknown assailant who knows where all of the Gilbert weapons are kept. Maybe Elena’s got a cousin out there somewhere.

ALARIC: *gaspawake*

Cave of Wonders

The brothers Salvatore arrive to find two unconscious Witches and an empty Mystery Box.

Everyone who had money riding on who was in the coffin braces themselves.

Haus of Klaus

Rebekah smashes some things in her righteous fury.

KLAUS: This was supposed to be our house, where we could live as a family. I had no idea you’d all react badly to being daggered and stuffed in boxes–NO IDEA!

ELIJAH: We will be a family. Just without you. We’re leaving, and we’re going to kill Elena, so you can never make more hybrids and will be alone forever, because payback is a bitch whose side-part has come and gone.

KLAUS: I’m not askeered of any of you! I can’t be killed!

ELIJAH: Sure you can, as soon as we get the Mystery Box.

The Originals glare at Klaus with steely eyes, and Klaus is near tears; damn, but Joseph Morgan does the man-cry like a boss, doesn’t he?

And now it’s time for tonight’s WTF Cliffhanger:

The door opens, and Elijah stares at it in absolute shock; mouths fall open all around the room, including Klaus’s.

Esther, the Original Mom, stands there in her green Witchy dress, looking stern.

She walks up to Klaus, who can’t even look her in the face.

ESTHER: LOOK AT ME.

KLAUS: Yes Mommy.

Klaus assumes Esther is there to kill him, but despite whatever the hell she was doing on the other side with the ghosts in Mystic Falls, her intentions are apparently elsewhere.

ESTHER: I’m here to forgive you, my son. I want us to be a family again.

*title card*

The audience’s head explodes. Or maybe just mine – the sheer volume of WTFery in this show might end me yet.