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I put my altar in time out today.

Much like this blog I’ve been trying to figure out what to do with it for a long time. The answer to the former was to do a bit of a redesign and try again; the answer to the latter seems to be “get it out of my face.”

This is not to say I’ve stopped believing or practicing for good or any of that. I’ve stripped it down naked so I can give it a good cleaning but then I plan to only put back a half dozen or so things. Everything is so complicated, so fraught, in life anymore that I want something to be simple. I’m not getting rid of anything, just putting it in a box for a while.

I admit my practice, and my spiritual/magical life in general, has suffered lately. Aside from (and possibly also due to) what’s going on in the world, watching completely incompetent, cruel children destroy the lives of people in my country and try to erase those I care for while the planet broils and bird flu spreads, well, my brain has decided to try and kill me again. I tumbled into the Shit Pit a couple of weeks ago and though I keep trying to climb out I end up seeing too many news posts, or thinking too hard about my current life circumstances, and rolling right back in.

My depression follows a fairly predictable cycle that is at least loosely tied to my hormones. (This doesn’t seem to interest gynecologists or regular doctors, according to them I should just take birth control about it and go on a diet.) I tend to get a wave of badness about 10-14 days before I bleed and usually once my actual period starts I’m able to slowly climb out, then get a couple of days of feeling really well before I do it all again. This has been my life for as long as I’ve had a period, although I’m pretty sure I had some level of depression long before that. But sometimes things are bad enough that I don’t get the climb. I stay in the Pit for weeks. Those are the scary ones where dark thoughts gain traction and I have, in the past, ended up in crisis.

Is that happening this time? I don’t know. I know that when there are actual exacerbating circumstances it’s a lot harder than when it’s “just” my brain full of faulty wiring. Random Shit Pit episodes are easier because they aren’t based on events; I can look at how I feel and say “This is temporary, it’ll be better in a few days.” When actual bad things are happening the intensity of whole thing doubles.

My mind is the sky; my moods are just the weather. They move across the sky and change and sometimes they’re fierce and terrifying, but they always change. There is no static state of the self. And yet…

In times like this I always start to question: Is this the one I won’t come back from? Is there something underneath the Shit Pit that’s trying to stretch its claws up into my soul? Am I ever going to actually be happy, or even okay, for more than 3-4 days at a time? Is there any point in even asking?

One thing is certain: I need to see a real brain doctor. I’m fond of my GP but her knowledge of my issues is limited by necessity. I need someone whose entire job is brain wiring. Someone who can confirm I have ADHD and help me figure out where the depression fits into it. That’s one of my intentions for the next month – find a shrink, female, who takes my insurance. But my executive dysfunction makes that kind of adulting very very difficult. I’m still fighting with myself to call my former 401k people and get them to change my account information so I can actually log in again.

I’m going to have to show up for myself, though, or whatever happens out there in the world, in here, it will never get any better.

If you’ve been here lately, you may have noticed that things have changed a bit. I’m trying some new themes and graphics to freshen things up. I’m hoping to get back to why I loved blogging when I was younger and how I can bring that energy and fearlessness back as well.

Stay tuned!

You may have noticed that January is half over and no Book 8 has emerged.

I promise I’m not trying to be coy, or build suspense, and I’m not going to be that Thrones fella who never finishes his series. The final Shadow World book is coming, but I cannot at this time give you a firm release date. Again I apologize. I fully intended to finish the book in the last months of 2023. That was the plan and I believed I could do it, but it turns out I couldn’t.

I’m going to level with you here, and I am not in any way trying to draw sympathy. I just want you to know what’s been going on so hopefully you can forgive my flakiness and continue to humor me.

Honestly I feel like I’ve forgotten how to write. The last few years have been hell on my creativity and confidence. I am working to regain those things. To write like I do, I really have to be deeply involved in my characters and feel the hot flush of my work. I need to cry when something sad happens and feel the prickles up and down my arms that I feel when I’ve “caught” a scene. It’s a feeling of rightness; it’s not always pleasant, but it’s right. When I feel that I know I’m doing what I’m made to do.

Let me tell you, disillusionment and unremitting major depressive disorder were not in my plan when I was young and knew, just KNEW, I’d be a “famous author” one day. (Whatever that even means.) I’m good at what I do. I know that. But being a good writer is meaningless if you don’t, well, WRITE.

I finished Shadow Rising by the skin of my teeth in terms of the emotional energy I had to work with. The last few years have wrung me out.

I have put so much of myself into these novels–I poured my heart into Queen of Shadows, and throughout the series I have fed my despair, sadness, hope, and belief into the characters. Nothing that Miranda feels is something I have not felt. I hope that it shows! I’ve always believed emotional honesty is key to characters that feel “alive.” The problem is, I only have so much fuel. I have had very little to give my beloved world in the last few years. It’s all been devoted to, and this is not an exaggeration, staying alive, and to some extent functional.

It’s also possible that I’m afraid. Once the last book is written, the Shadow World series is over. Not to say that I’d never revisit it, especially in short story form like Met by Midnight, but a whole era of my life would be concluded, for better or for worse. It may turn out to be the end of me as a writer.

I know that’s not true, or at least it doesn’t have to be. Neither does my fear that having given so much to the SW series I won’t ever be able to do it again. How do you invest so much in a world and the people in it and just…move on? I have no idea. I don’t know how other authors do it. Think of any fictional world that you’ve truly loved and think about what the author did next. I bet it wasn’t all that great, and if they came up with something else just as immersive that affected people as strongly as the first one…how the hell did they do it? I have no idea. I’m scared to find out. I’m sure part of my psyche was like, “well…let’s just never finish!”

Like I said, I’m working on all of this. My Word of the Year for 2024 is “rekindle,” specifically bringing life back to those parts of me that seem to have died out. Wish me luck. More than that, wish me a spark.

The year is almost halfway over, and I have already decided that some of my “depth year” stuff isn’t working for me.  Some things that I thought I wanted to stop doing, turns out I’m fine with continuing, for one reason or another.  I think I need a goal refresh for the 2nd half of 2023.

Some no-buy categories I definitely want to continue, some not so much.

Books – I’m going to continue my new book embargo until I’ve had the time and energy to go through my current library and a) reorganize b) cull out anything I don’t want.  But there are  a few books coming out later this year that I really want to get, so, saying NO BOOKS ALL YEAR seems a bit extreme.  Being mindful and deliberate in my purchasing I think is a better way to go (with, like, everything).

Washi Tape – I’m totally fine with keeping this ban in place.  I definitely don’t need any more washi.  I’m kind of curious by the end of the year how much of what I have I’ll have actually used; I’ve been super focused on the dollhouse so I haven’t done much that required pretty tape, but that project will be done with pretty soon.

Miniatures – Nope.   Gotta abandon this one.  Like I said, the dollhouse is almost done, and there are small bits I need to consider it finished; there is structural work and exteriors that need attention but the rest is all decorative.  I did really enjoy making all the little toiletries and stuff for the bathroom (pics below) but there are some things I just can’t make without losing my mind in the process.  Not to mention, I’m already planning my next project (something much smaller) that I’ll need to restock for, so, I think it’s best to just yeet this whole no-buy category.   

Delivery food – Sweet lord.  I have GOT to lay off ordering out.  It’s so stupidly expensive and unhealthy – I want to put a little more focus on my health this summer, and one thing I can definitely do is cook more of my own meals (or at least put together meals at home).  I want to talk about that in its own post soon.  I’d really like to go the whole month without ordering out more than maybe once.

Dollhouse Progress in May:  

I basically did the whole bathroom, and made almost everything myself except the toilet.  I’m really happy with the room overall.  I did finish that second wardrobe for the bedroom, and I did some work on the windows (I still haven’t decided if I’m going to put “glass” in them, but they needed better framing for sure) and a window box for the kitchen.   In June:  Finish the outside of the house.  Get the roof cut and glued and prepped for shingling or whatever I end up doing.  Make doors.  If at all possible, finish the whole project and create a video tour.

Writing Progress:

If you missed it, I announced that the 8th Shadow World book will be out on my birthday this year.  I might have been utterly bonkerdoodles doing that, but I work well under deadlines.  June will be devoted to establishing a schedule for work on the book and hopefully getting a few chapters done and building momentum.  Meanwhile I plan to keep blogging at least once a week.

Favorite Things in May:

1.  I finished reading one of the books I mentioned last month!  It was my very first book on process theology, and it took so long to read because I was furiously highlighting and making notes and sitting with the ideas as I read them.  It’s called She Who Changes: Re-Imagining the Divine in the World by noted goddess scholar Carol P. Christ.  I’m planning to find more sources, including some of the foundation texts of the movement.  But was a soul-thundering book, and has already had a profound effect on how I look at things, changing a lot of the scenery on my spiritual path.

2.  This adorable tea bag/spoon rest I found on Etsy. There are lots of things in this shop I’d love to have but this little guy makes me smile whenever I see it on my table. The seller makes a lot of inexpensive gifts with multiple color options. If you’re as much of a sucker for little plates and bowls as I am, you should definitely check out ShoeHouseStudio.

Things to Do in June:

1.  See paragraphs on dollhouse and writing.  Those will be the big things to occupy my time and energy.

2.  I do also want to steer my diet back in a more healthful direction; I might have another go at meal planning.  I’ve never been able to make it work for me, but the right method might be just around the corner.

3.   Finish reading Where the Crawdads Sing.

Happy June-ing!

In these posts I’ll be talking about my own particular personal tradition.  I call it Devotional Witchcraft, and it blends concepts from Wicca, Unitarian Universalism,  general NeoPaganism, process theology, natural magic, a wee bit of ceremonial magic,  a bit of Eastern thought,  my own imagination, and a dash of pop culture.  (Combine in a neurotypical brain and shake well.)  As always, I am speaking purely from my own 30 years of experience in the Witchly arts.  Others view magic differently and have very different histories.  

I’ve been asked a number of times over the years, “If magic really works, why aren’t Witches all rich and happy?”

The question itself, I feel, both ignores how many different ways there are to have a fulfilling life and shows a fundamental misunderstanding of how magic works and what it is for.

My current definition of magic:

The art of using metaphysical energies to influence probability.

The universe exists as a vast web of probabilities that is woven in every moment.  Any given choice you make could yield a dozen different possible futures depending on the others involved, the complexity of the issue, and how much energy and work you put into it.  The idea when doing magic is that you are trying to tip the scales so that the possibility you want to see manifest becomes a higher and higher probability.

Now, depending on how many other influences there are on the situation and the strength of the opposition to your desires, you have a better or lesser chance of getting what you want.  A lot can get between you and your ideal life, especially yourself! 

That’s why we add tools, colors, herbs, et cetera; every natural ally and layer of symbolism you enlist increases the energy you have to work with to put toward your goal.  In my tradition I also ask for help from the Goddess, but not all Witches (or other magical practitioners) work with deities and some work with other sorts of beings.  

Meanwhile, while your spell is cooking, you also get off your ass and work for the goal in the mundane world, because the idea is to increase probability, not wait for stuff to fall in your lap.  

For example:

You have decided you really, really want a new job, so you do a big complicated spell to get one, then sit down and wait for phone calls. 

Will that work?

Highly unlikely.  I mean it’s possible – anything is – but it’s incredibly improbable. 

How do you make it more probable?  You do things like looking at job listings, talking to contacts in whatever industry, then putting in applications and interviewing, following up, yadda yadda.  You know, you do the work.  

So how does that spell you did actually help?  Well, think of it as another thing you’re doing to add to the mix to get the job you need.  You already do things like rehearsing for your interview, boning up on the company itself, and looking swanky when you go in to meet the interviewer.  Now, you’ve also added magical energy to the pot, and that gives you a boost.   The more you put into the spell, the bigger the boost.

Will it miraculously land you a job?  I’d be lying if I said it can’t.  It’s happened to me.  Most often, magic works through coincidences and “it just so happened” events more than through the ostentatiously miraculous.  Things happen faster and turn out better than you expected. You seem lucky to the outside world.  Magic likes to put the right amount of pressure in the right place at the right time, and to make connections between things that might not otherwise line up.  

Whether someone appears happy or wealthy or not, you have no idea what they’ve overcome already with the help of their magic.  We are each a work in progress.  We have to choose where to put our energy, and sometimes spellwork isn’t a priority.  If you’re like me, you have an illness that is every moment sapping your will to endure, so you can’t always get it up, metaphysically speaking.   Sometimes I choose to use my inner resources on magic, and sometimes I just have to go to bed and try again tomorrow.

Magic is an art and a tool, not a fairy wand that poofs your desires into existence.  When you really want something, you do everything you can to help yourself get it; if you’re a Witch, that means have additional means at your disposal.   

At the same time, magic is not (in my experience) just imposing your will on the universe to “make” things happen.  Magic is a sacred art.  You use not only your own energy but that of nature and, when I do it at least, help from the Goddess.  My view of deity is that god is a process, not a thing – constantly changing, unfolding, evolving, and always seeking to experience the world through Her children.  (More on my theology in future posts.)  

Some people think that magic is just in your head, that it’s all imagination and not “real.”  I say, “…so?”  Whether the energy I’m moving around is objectively “real” or not, shit gets done.  Not to be all Matrix-y or anything but “what is real,” anyway?  Working with magic is empowering and uplifting and helps me become more of the person I want to be.  Whether I’m right about how it works or not is, honestly, irrelevant to me.  A worldview with gods and magic makes sense to me and moves my spirit.  I don’t expect anyone else to believe what I do.

(I’ll be pointing this out again when I talk about God, by the way.  Stay tuned. ) 

I’ll be honest:  February was kind of a non-starter.  

A nasty ice storm hit Austin the first week of the month and brought down half the trees in the city; this also knocked out power to hundreds of thousands of people, including myself.  Our power was out for four days.  (This happened two years ago, if you’ll recall, only much worse.)  With no way to cook and our fridge out (I hope I never have to clean rotten food out of a fridge that’s had no power for a week ever, ever again!) we had to order out food several times, breaking my “no food delivery” part of the depth year.   I lost my grip on ordering out after that and did it oh, so many times.  Looking at the amount of money I spent it makes me even more determined to shake the habit!  

I’ve grossly violated a couple of other spending categories, but I didn’t do it with my own money!  I got a gift card to B&N and ordered three new books.   But no washi tape or Tarot decks!  Small victories, right?

I did buy a couple of dollhouse things, but they weren’t miniatures themselves; I downloaded some templates for a tiny project to go in the house, and I ordered supplies (wood glue, spackle, sandpaper, UV resin, and a mold to make jars – I tried 100 different ways to make little herb jars, but they all sucked.  I finally broke down and ordered a mold.  Witches need jars, yo.).   As I said, supplies are fine.  Hopefully this order will be enough of everything to finish the house!  My goal is to get it done by May, so it will be a full yearlong project.  

I am thinking maybe when the house is basically finished if I want to do one last order for little things to embellish or finish it off, that would be okay.   For example, I want to get my dollhouse character a pair of rubber rain boots to put on the patio.  Little things like that.  But I’d definitely set a limit! That kind of stuff adds up FAST.

(Don’t worry, I plan to post pics of the house and some of the miniatures I’ve made for it. I’m far too proud of the project not to share it everywhere I can.)

To sum up:  February = NOPE!  I’m not too upset about it; this month blew very similar goats to January.  In March I’m going to focus on three things:  Not ordering food delivery, working on the dollhouse upstairs, and getting back on my meditation practice, which has suffered horribly in the last couple of months.  

What are you hoping to do in March?  Drop a comment if you’d like to share.