If I had all the time in the world I would want to read three books a month: One novel, one nonfiction to learn about something, and one spiritual/metaphysical/theological book. Wouldn’t that be nice?
I’m not going to push on that too hard though – I won’t be able to read a lot of books this month because I’m rather busy creating my own! I’d like to get back to reading more after ShadowSong is published, though.
I do have two books on my docket right now:
All that Remains by Sue Black – Barnes and Noble states, “It is a treat for CSI junkies, murder mystery and thriller readers, and anyone seeking a clear-eyed guide to a subject that touches us all.”
Welcome to July, where I plan to blog every day in short bursts. I’ve fiddled with the challenge from five years ago and changed a few things for various reasons, so, behold the revised and updated 30 Days:
Let’s begin!
My Goals for July
1 – This month I’m finishing the dollhouse! No, I mean it! All I have left is the roof and the windows, then the base around the front, which right now is bare foam board. The roof will be a big project because, well, I can either make a zillion shingles out of something (probably cereal box card) or I can thatch it (probably using an old towel). All the windows need attention. But I am very sure all of this can be done in the course of July.
2 – Time to truly knuckle down on the final Shadow World book. My goal is 30,000 words this month, hopefully more – that’s about four or five chapters? If I can do that for the next three months I’ll be done a month early. HAHAHHAHA we’ll see if that happens.
3 – I’m still aiming for zero delivered meals, but I think it’s more realistic to say, maybe, two per paycheck? I have to be honest with myself, and I think it’s going to be nearly impossible to avoid it 100% of the time. As a person with lifelong depressive disorder there are times I just cannot make food for myself. Ideally I’d have things like TV dinners and whatnot for those occasions, but I’m not exaggerating when I say when I’m in the Shit Pit I can’t even do that. I try to make cooking as easy on myself as possible, but sometimes too easy is still not easy enough. In those cases delivery is a godsend (and often a mood lifter).
4 – I want to get to my altar more. Always. I need to get back in the habit of actually doing stuff there instead of just thinking about it. I’m sure many of you can relate. Our current reality is fucking awful, let’s face it; survival requires marshaling our inner resources as much as the outer. I feel calmer and stronger when I’m more spiritually aligned. I make better decisions. I like who I am more, and that’s a very big deal.
A few years ago I created a monthlong challenge for myself – 31 days of prompts that would require a short (for me at least) post in response. I had a lot of fun with it, if I recall correctly. I gathered the prompts from all over the place, came up with a couple myself, and voila!
Not too long after that my entire blog got erased (my fault), so I have no idea what my posts were for that entire month. Because of that, and the fact that I know my answers will have changed by now, I’ve decided to do the challenge again here in July 2023!
There might also be some regular old long-winded posts in there this month but you should at least see something from me every day.
I’m excited about it. I hope you will be too – oh, and you’re welcome to grab the list and play along as well, whether in a blog or on Instagram or whatever format you prefer. Let me know if you do!
***NOTE: Day 17 will be changed to something else, as I no longer deal in Potterdom. Oh, and I haven’t been on Twitter for over a year so I’ll probably do Instagram or YT for day 24.
Most forms of Neopaganism use ritual tools to one extent or another, and a great many are similar across traditions. The nice thing about that is once you are familiar with the standard tool set and the general outline of Pagan rituals you can attend a Circle with just about any group and at least have a pretty good idea what’s going on.
Like most baby Witches I used to be really into the tools of the Craft (Except wands. I always felt silly using a wand.). Altar-building was and still is one of my favorite forms of sacred art. Taking down, cleaning, and rebuilding my altar is a very important ritual in my personal tradition (I even managed to make a video about it once!)…but now, in my 30th year as a Witchy type (holy smokes!), there are only a handful of tools I use, and most of them are only glancingly similar to the traditional Wiccan toolkit.
Most particularly I have left off the use the ritual blade common to most Neopagan trads, most often referred to as an athame. I have one that I have loved for decades, with a black blade and an ebony handle, but I just don’t use it anymore, mostly because I don’t do a lot of full-out ritual. I work in my bedroom, in a corner where my altar is a folding desk (in deference to my bad back and knees); I don’t usually cast a Circle any bigger than where I’m sitting. I can do that just fine without waving a knife around.
To me an athame is a fantastic tool for groups – it helps them focus energy, visualize the Circle, and be aware of the dual nature of power and responsibility. But as I practice 99% solitary my old pointy friend is currently wrapped up in my box full of old ritual cords, pendants, and other objects I’ve gathered on my spiritual travels.
I only have a few tools that I really use. What I do have a lot of are pretties – Goddess statues, including my collection of small figures that I call my Wee-ities; natural objects; altar cloths I change out seasonally (or whenever I feel like it), symbols of my particular brand of divinity; divinatory toys and accoutrements; and a framed image of Kore/Persephone by Anette Pirso that I turn depending on the season.
My Current Tool Lineup
Prayer Beads – I have two sets that I use, one for the darker half of the year and one for the lighter, although sometimes I just grab the strand that calls to me at the time. I made one and purchased the other online. They’re a powerful meditative tool for me and I have a number of prayer cycles, gathas, and mantra-type recitations that I use. I loosely based the original design of my handmade set on the Catholic Rosary – it has different sized/styled beads and several divisions to make counting easier rather than being a strand of all the same size like many malas. They’re also not loops – I don’t wear them or anything like that – just a straight line.
Chalice – but not one for drinking out of. It has a candle in it which I light every time I sit down at my altar (and sometimes just for comfort). The flaming chalice is the primary symbol of Unitarian Universalism. It has different meanings to different people; I think of it as the light of justice and knowledge held in the palm of the Goddess (since the chalice usually is treated as a feminine tool in the Craft), and looped in by diversity. (The two circles represented the Unitarians merging with the Universalists.)
I have two on my altar right now: One that my church gave me when I became a member, and a vintage one I bought that is the centerpiece of the altar. I do sometimes drink things in ritual but I’ll bring in a different vessel for that.
Pentacle – Mine is a flat wooden disk with the symbol painted on along with representations of the Elements and the Triple Moon. I made it myself from a plain wood piece. I use it primarily as a focus during spellwork; I place whatever I’m charging onto it and channel energy into the object through the pentacle. I also consider it the anchor point of my Circle, like its center of gravity.
Incense Burner – I am not a fan of charcoal tablet incense; it’s very evocative but it’s also high maintenance. I prefer sticks most of the time and have a small plant pot full of sand into which I stick a whole mess of sticks in different scents that I can just spark up whenever I want just to make the room smell and feel good. I also have a variety of purpose-made sticks for magical work.
Divinatory Tool – Most often I keep my Light Seer’s Tarot near to hand but sometimes I switch it out for the Shadowscapes deck.
Candles – There is a novena candle on either side of my altar that’s really just there for light. Those along with the light in the chalice are usually plenty to see by.
Dragon – The unsung hero of Pagan life: The long-necked lighter. I have one that hangs on the wall next to my altar at all times.
Bell – A dear friend gave me a gorgeous metal bell many years ago that has the loveliest tone; whenever I’m doing something a bit more formal or am cleansing my altar I hold the bell over the surface and ring it once. That baby vibrates energy like nobody’s business!
And that’s pretty much it aside from whatever magical or seasonal accoutrements I have around the altar. The decorative items are very important in their own right; I can change the whole mood of my room and myself just by shifting the colors or seasonal objects. I’m always fiddling about with what’s there.
I suppose I should include my chair as a vital ritual tool since it holds the most important part of all: My big ol’ Witchy booty. After all, tools are only as good as the person using them. A stick is just a stick until you choose to dedicate it as a wand.
And here’s the video I made a couple of years ago showing all my altar stuff. It looks a bit different now but the layout is still the same.
The year is almost halfway over, and I have already decided that some of my “depth year” stuff isn’t working for me. Some things that I thought I wanted to stop doing, turns out I’m fine with continuing, for one reason or another. I think I need a goal refresh for the 2nd half of 2023.
Some no-buy categories I definitely want to continue, some not so much.
Books – I’m going to continue my new book embargo until I’ve had the time and energy to go through my current library and a) reorganize b) cull out anything I don’t want. But there are a few books coming out later this year that I really want to get, so, saying NO BOOKS ALL YEAR seems a bit extreme. Being mindful and deliberate in my purchasing I think is a better way to go (with, like, everything).
Washi Tape – I’m totally fine with keeping this ban in place. I definitely don’t need any more washi. I’m kind of curious by the end of the year how much of what I have I’ll have actually used; I’ve been super focused on the dollhouse so I haven’t done much that required pretty tape, but that project will be done with pretty soon.
Miniatures – Nope. Gotta abandon this one. Like I said, the dollhouse is almost done, and there are small bits I need to consider it finished; there is structural work and exteriors that need attention but the rest is all decorative. I did really enjoy making all the little toiletries and stuff for the bathroom (pics below) but there are some things I just can’t make without losing my mind in the process. Not to mention, I’m already planning my next project (something much smaller) that I’ll need to restock for, so, I think it’s best to just yeet this whole no-buy category.
Delivery food – Sweet lord. I have GOT to lay off ordering out. It’s so stupidly expensive and unhealthy – I want to put a little more focus on my health this summer, and one thing I can definitely do is cook more of my own meals (or at least put together meals at home). I want to talk about that in its own post soon. I’d really like to go the whole month without ordering out more than maybe once.
Dollhouse Progress in May:
I basically did the whole bathroom, and made almost everything myself except the toilet. I’m really happy with the room overall. I did finish that second wardrobe for the bedroom, and I did some work on the windows (I still haven’t decided if I’m going to put “glass” in them, but they needed better framing for sure) and a window box for the kitchen. In June: Finish the outside of the house. Get the roof cut and glued and prepped for shingling or whatever I end up doing. Make doors. If at all possible, finish the whole project and create a video tour.
Writing Progress:
If you missed it, I announced that the 8th Shadow World book will be out on my birthday this year. I might have been utterly bonkerdoodles doing that, but I work well under deadlines. June will be devoted to establishing a schedule for work on the book and hopefully getting a few chapters done and building momentum. Meanwhile I plan to keep blogging at least once a week.
Favorite Things in May:
1. I finished reading one of the books I mentioned last month! It was my very first book on process theology, and it took so long to read because I was furiously highlighting and making notes and sitting with the ideas as I read them. It’s called She Who Changes: Re-Imagining the Divine in the World by noted goddess scholar Carol P. Christ. I’m planning to find more sources, including some of the foundation texts of the movement. But was a soul-thundering book, and has already had a profound effect on how I look at things, changing a lot of the scenery on my spiritual path.
2. This adorable tea bag/spoon rest I found on Etsy. There are lots of things in this shop I’d love to have but this little guy makes me smile whenever I see it on my table. The seller makes a lot of inexpensive gifts with multiple color options. If you’re as much of a sucker for little plates and bowls as I am, you should definitely check out ShoeHouseStudio.
Things to Do in June:
1. See paragraphs on dollhouse and writing. Those will be the big things to occupy my time and energy.
2. I do also want to steer my diet back in a more healthful direction; I might have another go at meal planning. I’ve never been able to make it work for me, but the right method might be just around the corner.
3. Finish reading Where the Crawdads Sing.
Happy June-ing!
Overview of the bathroom. I did not make the toilet or the sink itself, but most everything else including the sink cabinet was handmade. The tub was a Kerrygold butter tub a friend gave me. Ignore the unfinished door and window. Oh and also ignore how desperately uneven the floor came out. I did not have fun trying to install that bastard.Cat box, LOL. In theory this wall would be closed in, so, the box would be snug in the corner. I hung the scooper (made of wood and paper) over the box (made of wood with sand).Pay no attention to the lady in the mirror. We have artwork that I cut out of a thank-you card from one of my many Etsy orders; the towel/rug were originally white but my roommate helped me dye them. On the back of the toilet we have a fancy bowl of tampons and some reading material, and then I made the toothbrush (carved toothpick)/paste (air dry clay) and the clothes hamper (hemp cord around a bottle cap).I love, LOVE all the jars and bottles – most are made of cut glue sticks with beads for caps and labels I printed out and stuck on with double-sided tape, and the nail polishes are each a single bead with a painted bit of a toothpick. I also made the cotton balls, which was super fun. The candle is a white crayon in a bead cap. I couldn’t get the curtain to stay open but there are spare toilet rolls in there. There’s a tiny wood comb I attempted to carve on the top shelf but it’s hard to see. I even put a pump on top of the soap on the sink (bits of toothpick again). I made the robe and slippers out of scraps of fabric.
These are the general steps I go through before actually doing a Big Ol’ Spell. (I differentiate between “formal” spells and little magic like hanging herbs by your window or infusing food with happy feelings, since those don’t require a lot in terms of planning and usually don’t require a Circle.)
1. Purpose
When I decide I want to work a spell for something, I start out with defining what it is I really want. For example, do I need fast money for current circumstances, or am I thinking more long-term like new income streams, a new job, et cetera? The answer might be “both,” but I’ve always found it way more effective to deal with one need or desire at a time so I’m not splitting my focus.
For me at least the ethical considerations are very important. I consider decreasing the suffering in the world one of my highest aims, and I do that primarily through my vegan practice, but when I am planning magic I consider who stands to get hurt by my getting my way. Most normal magical purposes are pretty benign, but you want to be sure that the way your desires come to be doesn’t involve, say, your favorite uncle kicking the bucket and leaving you $50,000.
It is absolutely impossible to be a living thing and not destroy other things. But I can still consider who and what is affected by my actions and whether those consequences are okay with my conscience. In the end, though, I can’t see everything that could happen; I have to do the best I can with what I know and be sure to ask for a positive outcome for everyone involved.
2. Oracle
Once I think I know what I want/need, I go to the Tarot or another oracle. I need to get in touch with my subconscious as well as any larger energies that want me to know something. I don’t have a specific reading I always use, but I tend to ask what is underneath my desire, anything else I need to be aware of, and any symbols or imagery I could use. Sometimes the reading totally changes what I intend to do, and sometimes it even stops me from doing anything. But usually by the time I’m done I have a pretty good working plan. If I don’t, I go to:
3. Element
I like to break down subject matter as well as action by element. There are certain types of magical actions that correspond well to a particular element, and certainly most desires do. My basic breakdown is:
Air – Communication, Study, Legalities, Tech stuff (Releasing things into the wind, incense magic)
Fire – Banishing, Creativity, Transformation, Red Hot Monkey Lovin’ (Burning stuff or soaking in the sunlight)
Water – Emotional healing, Swoony heart-eyes Love, Emotional healing, Mental health (Indrinking, bathing, potions and oils, releasing things into running water/the sea )
4. Timing
Much hay is made about when to do magic – by lunar cycles? By astrological alignment? According to days of the week? I say whatever means the most to you. I generally go with the moon cycles, but remember: These are just influences, like many others. Personally I feel that since the Moon has been shown to affect the tides, and I’m made up of 90something percent water, then the Moon is a close enough influence for me to try and work with, not against. There are times that don’t lend themselves well to most forms of magic (Mercury Retrograde comes to mind) but if that whole concept is silly to you, never mind it!
5. Outline
Now, I write out the spell, or at least the steps, in order and then go back in and add details where they are needed. I make a list of tools and ingredients (don’t forget a lighter). I consider wording for the thing. Normally I make it up as I go along, but if you find that tedious or scary you can always go online or in books to find already-written spells for your intention that have good wording…that is if you don’t mind rhyming couplets and people using the word “boon” because it rhymes with “moon.”
I can’t get past that for some reason. Nobody says “boon.”
5. Do the Thing
Yeah, so…now we do the thing. Gather ingredients, create/invoke sacred space in whatever way you prefer (we’ll talk more about this later, it’s too much to include here), and perform the magical operation you have planned.
A lot of Witches refuse to discuss their spellwork beyond the Circle, believing that talking about it blunts the effect. I generally don’t say much because I don’t want people asking me “So how’s that healing spell going? Has the rash cleared up yet?” I prefer to keep recent or ongoing work close to the vest, but I’m usually happy to talk about stuff I’ve done in the past.
That can be really helpful, especially if you do something magical and it doesn’t work. Talking about it might help you figure out why, or ways to change things and try again. Every spell affects the Web in some way, but it might not be in a way that directly benefits you. Sometimes you need to sharpen your focus and have another go.
6. Act in Accordance With Your Spell
You would think this would be a no-brainer, but it tends to be the part people neglect the most. It has been my experience that “manifesting” things out of thin air doesn’t work as well as doing the mystical and then doing the practical. At the very least, you want your spell to affect your outlook on the subject. Inner work is important too, but just be sure and send the email, call the recruiter, curb your spending, actually leave the house…and so on.
It’s a word that tends to make Neopagans and Unitarian Universalists a bit nervous, in no small part because of the long history of the term describing a form of bowing-down, fearful obsequiety that I personally think all religions should cast aside. I suppose if I wanted people to feel comfortable I could say I am devoted to Her, but I’ve decided I’m old enough not to care about making people uncomfortable with my truth.
The word “worship” breaks down into “the state of being worthy of glory, honor, or renown.” It wasn’t used in the sense of paying reverence to a divine or other supernatural being until the 14th century. Nowadays the actual dictionary definition is “the feeling or expression of reverence and adoration for a deity,” with the secondary definition basically devoting that same reverence and adoration to a person or principle in the same way you would a deity, ie, “I worship Tom Ellis’s glorious booty.”
The thing is none of that tells you what worship is like. It doesn’t say how to worship. “reverence or adoration” can take all sorts of forms. The way you were raised to relate to Deity is not the way you, as an adult, have to do. You have the right and the ability to change your relationship with the Mystery.
The reason I use the word is that while I do believe all of creation is Divine, I don’t consider myself equal to Deity. Maybe She’s not omnipotent but I’m way, way less powerful than She. That Divine spark that is Her soul sets electrons to spinning, gravity to pulling, poles to attracting. She is the ultimate cause and reality is the effect. I’m just one round woman with a bad back trying to get my own individual shit together! Really, it’s not even the individual face that I worship, it’s the nameless genderless Force within and beyond all things, but I can’t connect with that on an emotional and spiritual level, so my subconscious gave Her a face and more or less a gender.
(I say more or less because there have been times that She has morphed into something more like a He, and I have a name for that aspect too; we meet occasionally so I can learn more about working with said subconscious and creativity on a deep level. So far he’s shown up as a literary/TV figure, but I know that’s my brain drawing on the meaningful characters in my memory and imagination.)
While I treat spellcraft as a sacred art that involves my connection with Deity, there are other ways we connect that aren’t quite so needy on my part. The three primary avenues I traverse are Devotional Ritual, Prayer, and Meditation. I’ll go into each of these in more depth in its own post, but here is a quick summary.
Devotional Ritual
I wrote about this quite a bit in The Circle Within way back when, and in fact I still use some of the methods I talked about. I distinguish ritual from prayer because for me prayer is much simpler, but for my purposes both of them have the same basic function.
A devotional ritual is one whose primary focus is on celebrating or honoring the natural world or the Goddess Herself. This can overlap with other sorts of ritual and also with the other categories, but for me what distinguishes a ritual from prayer or a spell is complexity. A ritual is made up of more than one smaller ritual – I can sit and pray, but if I also cast a Circle and make an offering, it becomes a full on ritual. A ritual has a defined beginning, middle, and end.
Prayer and Meditation
These aren’t exactly opposites but they are two sides of the same coin. Both can take many forms but the simplest definition I use is: Prayer involves talking to Deity, meditation involves listening to Her. (There are of course many kinds of non-devotional meditation as well.) These two can flow into each other or combine, so, I tend not to draw too many hard lines between the two. Really, it’s more about the “flavor” of what I’m doing than the actual literal words or actions.
Since you’ ve read this far, allow me to reward you with a picture of my cat, as is the purpose of the Internet.
ANNOUNCEMENT – The final book in the Shadow World series (title TBA) will hit the Web on November 19, 2023. More details to come.
In the eighth and final novel of the Shadow World series, the fate of all vampire kind hangs in the balance…and the key to saving it may be a young human woman with an extraordinary gift.
Since she was a child, two questions have hung over Willow’s head: Why am I like this? and What happened in Austin?
When her mother is brutally murdered under what seem like impossible circumstances, Willow seeks out the answers to both of her questions…and those answers are far stranger than she ever could have imagined. Her quest to find out the truth of her origins and her mother’s death leads her from small town Texas to the city of Austin, where one name appears over and over: Miranda Grey.
As Willow finds herself in the crosshairs of an ancient evil she stumbles into the truth her mother hid for Willow’s entire life: In the darkness that borders human society lies another society altogether, one that feeds off the living…the Shadow World, and at its center, the four vampires known as the Tetrad.
They have reigned for two decades in relative peace as the remains of the Signet system have collapsed. Their grip on the Shadow World is solid steel, their powers are legendary, their eyes are everywhere…and they have been waiting for her.
Man, you guys, I have absolutely screwed the pooch on some of my no-buy categories this month. Don’t worry, there’s no guilt involved, just amusement. More than anything I want to learn about myself and ways to live better, not to judge myself for my habits.
I’ve added a couple of new things to this month-end post that I want to talk about. Hopefully you’ll find it entertaining if nothing else!
No Buy categories:
Books – None! Still going strong, yay!
Washi tape – None.
Miniatures – I got a lot of supplies and a couple of pieces there was no way I was going to build myself, notably the toilet. Toilets are shaped very weirdly and frustrate even long-time minaturists. I found a 3d printed one on Etsy for less than ten bucks and said YOINK!
Food delivery – Y’all I am still fighting this one and losing. In fact I did worse this month than I have so far this year! I had a few really shitty depressive days that ended with UberEats bringing me an Impossible Whopper or a gigantic molten cinnamon roll, and overall just did not control my spending the way I intended to. But my bills are paid and there’s gas in my car, so, it’s not a tragedy. I shall persevere!
Dollhouse Progress:
I finally got the back wall spackled, painted, and installed, and I put in wooden beams in the “rafters” to hold the upstairs walls straight. They won’t really show once the roof is on but they’ve made that whole floor rock-solid. I’ve built a wardrobe for the bedroom TWICE because the first one came out so poorly. And I’m working on turning an old Kerrygold butter tub (acquired from a nonvegan friend, lol) into a bath. In May: Finishing up the bedroom, work proceeding on the bathroom. Get the back wall covered in stone, grouted, color washed. Add moss to allllll the outside walls. If I’m feeling particularly frisky I’ll start on the roof.
Writing Progress:
I have nearly three chapters of the 8th Shadow World book written! It’s such slow going, mostly because I’m waffling on what order to place things in on the timeline. I’m also trying to get into the head of the newest character, but I don’t feel like I’ve “caught” her yet. I’m a character-focused writer so I need to be able to speak in the character’s voice, figuring out how she ticks. I don’t know what other writers call it but I call it “catching” the character.
Obviously I’ve been blogging a lot more than I have in months, which is awesome – I’ve really been enjoying talking about my own odd little religious stew. I’ve been fretting over whether to try and write a book about it for a long time now, but I think just going for broke and putting it all out there blog-style is the way to go for now. I watch all the new books coming out in the Pagan world and I feel like, what exactly do I have to add to all of this? When I wrote my first two books I felt like I was helping to fill a gap. I’m not sure there are any gaps now!
Favorite Things in April:
1. Hiki deodorant – Let’s be practical: When skin folds over other skin, it sweats and can get manky. Underarms and crotches are the most obvious examples but when you’re a large person you may have additional folds to tend to. I’m making more effort these days to deal with the reality of my fat body without casting judgment over it, and one thing that’s helped is this deodorant made for skin folds. It really does make me feel fresher and more together. I’m definitely sold on Hiki!
2. I asked my roommate to buzz my hair off again. I think I need to just admit that I hate having hair to tend to. Almost all “girly” things just make me tired and honestly, I’m a middle aged fat woman in yoga pants and t-shirts, who’s even looking? LOL Anyone who does and thinks “oh god that’s awful” is of no interest to me. That’s another thing I’m internalizing in my 40s – the divine and sacred power of “Oh fuck off.”
Things to Do in May:
1. Drink a ton more water
2. Finish the two books I’ve been in the middle of for most of the year
3. Keep blogging!
4. Research how to start a CUUPS (Covenant of Unitarian Universalist Pagans) chapter
5. Get Ch4 of SW VIII drafted
6. Come up with more ways to really wriggle into the whole “depth” part of “depth year.”
What are you up to this May? Travel, adventure? Naps? <–me
Strap in, this is gonna get a little wordy. I’m not going to cut too much though because this is important.
I used to be your bog-standard Wiccan duotheist – God and Goddess, Moon and Sun, all that stuff. Before that, I spent time as what we used to call Dianic (I have no idea if that’s still the term) meaning I only revered the Goddess. I was influenced by a series of novels that still affect my spirituality today (The Strands of Starlight series by Gael Baudino).
By the time I was working in a coven I’d returned to duotheism, and for a long time had a relationship with a particular face of the God, whom I called Jeff (just for expediency among humans since He didn’t really have a name). I also had a yearlong experience with a dark face of the Goddess that started out amazing but ended very badly.
When I wrote The Circle Within I espoused a form of panentheism, although I didn’t know the word yet (people were very happy to tell me after the book was published, lol). I described it as the belief that Deity is within the universe as well as outside it – that everything is Deity, that nothing can be disconnected from Them because we They are us and everything beyond us.
In the years leading up to my return to Paganism and my adoption of Unitarian Universalism, I went through all the usual questions and doubts one does when one is a thoughtful believer in a dark decade of the soul. Is God good? How do you account for suffering? Do we really have free will? And so on. I wasn’t satisfied with any of the answers, let alone how they would apply to duotheist Paganism (which was quickly distilling back down into something more like monotheism).
Then, quite unexpectedly, thanks to my UU minister, I ran headfirst into Process Theology, and realized that, holy shit, it has a name!
I won’t go too deeply into the subject as it would become very dry very quickly, but I have come up with my own take on it that adds in more personal stuff I’ve experienced. I’m still exploring the entirety of process theology, but the basic concepts have helped me to crystallize a lot of what I already felt about how the sacred works.
The essence is this: Deity is a verb more than they’re a noun. Revelation and creation are continuous, and that Web I mentioned in the post about “what is magic” – the Web that is all possibilities and probabilities – is the Goddess’s being (Or God, or Goddess/God, whatever lights your candle). Since She is that Web, and the Web is in constant flux, that means deity also evolves. It does so through us and through creation. In a universe like this we are subject to a lot of circumstances based on our lives intersecting with others, but all beings have some creative freedom or free will. We simply don’t act in a vacuum where free will is so cut-and-dried.
Deity in my way of thinking has a different character from the mainstream – She is by nature benevolent, but not omnipotent or perfect. Omnipresent, and omniscient more or less, yes, but as Her creation is a process that never ends, that means She is subject to the Web as much as we are. This helps me settle the question of whether or not God is good – to me, I’ve always sensed Her as loving, even if it’s not always pretty, but with the evil in the world I couldn’t reconcile Her nature with reality. Looking at it from this angle I can.
She knows everything that is happening in the Web at every moment, including the millions of possible outcomes for our choices, but because we have freedom, She can’t know which of those possibilities we will choose until we choose them.
She may not be omnipotent, but she’s still pretty damn potent – Deity works primarily through influence, showing us beauty and joy and love and the value of compassion to encourage us to choose those paths, rather than thundering down domination or intimidation. She doesn’t force us to do anything. Therefore the answer to “God, why do you allow suffering to exist?” is, “Well…why do you?” Humanity didn’t wake up one day and decide the world should be like this. Millions of choices got us here. That same divine creative freedom is the only thing that can save us.
There is an element of randomness at work in things as well; in most cases you can trace how something happened back through the choices of the people connected to it, but sometimes rocks fall and everyone dies. The chain of events that led those rocks to fall is far too long or distant for us to see, but She sees. There is causality for everything, but not necessarily inherent meaning. Humans are the meaning-makers, so it’s our job to take what happens in our lives and make it mean something to us.
All of this is very brain-intensive, and that may lead you to think my relationship with the Eternal Unfolding is something purely intellectual, but you’d be mistaken. She speaks and moves through everything that exists and through all our potential and creativity. We can work together to shift the waking world in ways that are positive and benefit myself and others.
Deity itself is formless, genderless, faceless; but They are more than happy to enter into symbols and images humans have created so that we can relate to it. To my view that means your god could be YWVH or Thor or Quan Yin or David Bowie or Dream of the Endless or all of those at once; they all stand for the same force, and act kind of like an icon in that the picture you click on connects you to something a lot bigger.
Relationship is key in process philosophy and theology. We exist in a web, remember, not each dangling at the end of a single string. In this sense God is also in how we treat each other, how we interact, and how we codepend. All beings live in relationship; that includes humans and nonhumans. Everyone contributes to the Web and makes small changes with their lives that can ripple into big changes. Everyone is inherently worthy and of value.
I’m sure there are plenty of nice theological arguments against the way I see things, but honestly? I don’t give a damn. I’m learning as I go, experimenting and experiencing. This way of looking at Deity and the universe makes sense to me and to my spirit. I feel like if it’s a positive influence on my life and helps me to grow, who the hell cares if God is one or two or the Seven Dwarfs? In the end, someone’s belief about God is less important to the larger world as someone’s behavior based on what their God persuades them to do.
She wants to see you be brave.
As for my Goddess? She is essentially dual – one dark half, one light, each governing different times of year. The two facets bleed into each other quite a bit. There’s not a hard division. I separate the two just to give me a more useful seasonal calendar. Most of the time we meet in a forest during either a Full or New Moon, and in that place the sky swirls around like the Aurora Borealis combined with Van Gogh’s The Starry Night. What does She look like? Honestly? Kind of like Sara Bareilles.
If this sounds a lot like the Persephone in the Shadow World series, well…it should. The books and my life draw from each other. The Web, the Forest of Spirits…yeah, that’s all “real.” Did I make it up? Hell yeah I did. But as I was getting into the symbolism in the novels, those images began to bleed over into my practice, and finally I realized that She had been there all along, waiting for me to put it all together. The “real” one isn’t a vampire goddess, of course, but hey, Nobody’s perfect.
