2022, In Which I Set No Goals Whatsoever

Posted on by Dianne Sylvan

You did what now?

If you’ve been around me any length of time you know how I love planners – the whole planner hobby has been one of mine for years.  (When I say “hobby” I mean the fun decorating stuff as opposed to just using a planner to plan things like a normal person.)  I’ve always spent the last bit of December reviewing the old year and getting ready to set goals for the new.

I noticed over time that I tended to set the same goals over and over and not even remotely achieve them.  I was half-assing it at best…no, quarter-assing, if we’re being honest… okay, a mere sliver of my ass was involved.  I looked back over various years and various detailed plans that just sort of went nowhere, and how crappy I always felt when I gave up on them or started then bailed.  It is in my nature to bail – that’s something I’ve battled with my whole life.

Then the beginning 2022 came about and I decided screw it.  No lists of core values!  No 22 in 2022!  No life satisfaction wheels or words of the year!  We’ll just see what I accomplish when I throw all expectation to the wind.  I used my planner only for keeping track of the date and appointments and let the rest slide.

How’d That Work Out For You?

To be brutally honest:  No worse and no better than any other year.  2022 was just as much clown shoes as the last few years have been – even if you scrape off the scuzzy layer of toxicity that is the state of the world, my personal life was neither a triumph nor a tragedy.

But I still felt bad that I hadn’t done anything – with the added guilt that in the absence of regular goals shouldn’t I have been recharging, resting, re-something?  I did none of those.   I blundered around like I was taking blindfolded, possibly drunken swings at the existential piñata.  (Existential Piñata: new band name?) I was aimless and felt even more angst than usual.   

So…what conclusions did you draw? 

From a strictly pragmatic and rather cynical perspective:  If I’m going to feel bad about the year no matter what I do/don’t do, I might as well do the thing that’s more fun, which for me is playing with goals and plans and habit tracking and all those things, and maybe, just maybe, I’ll get some things done while I’m at it.

From a more…optimistic? perspective, it has given me a lot of food for thought regarding why I repeatedly choose goals that I abandon yet keep going back every year.  None of them seem unreasonable.  They’re all things that matter to me, or at least I want them to.

I’ve never been what you would call “disciplined” or “pro-active.”  I freely admit I sit on my ass until I’m forced to do most things – the combination of mental issues I get to enjoy daily creates a nice sludge of executive dysfunction (I know I need to do this, but I just can’t!) and feelings/fear of failure (I’m just going to mess it up, so why should I even try?).     It’s never been something I liked about myself, but I am at least used to it.  Believe me, I’ve shadow worked this shit from here to the dark side of the Moon; I’m not saying I can’t change, I’m just saying I understand how deeply rooted these things are and that clearly my prior approaches have not worked.

Okay, What Are You Going to Do This Year?

Well, I’m not in a rush, that’s for sure.  I’m using January as Nature intends:  To wait, to think, to make wiser decisions before acting.  I’ve been using an approach where you rate all these different areas of your life (relationships, spiritual, financial, health and wellness, and so on) and then rate where you’d like them to be at the end of the year; then you pick out a couple that have a really big gap between current and future, and come up with ways to help make that happen.  No one part of life happens in a vacuum.  I created a personal covenant with the Goddess  that defines these areas and leaves room for me to figure out how to improve them with more specific goals.  (I’m a Unitarian Universalist, covenants are kind of our jam.)  

But again, there’s no hurry.  It’s not like time actually resets at New Year’s midnight.  It’s a human-made marker that we use to orient ourselves in time, but it’s not the only possible marker.  I use the seasonal cycle as a guide – first we think and plan, then we get a-moving, then we reap the fruit of our choices, then we rest.  

Right now I’m in the preparation stage and considering how I want life to look/feel at the end of 2023.  What will it take to get me there?  What am I willing to sacrifice?  And am I medicated enough to try?  Stay tuned.

10 Things I Love – Catchup Edition

Posted on by Dianne Sylvan

Forgive me, internet, for I have sinned. It has been two years since my last blog post.

What can I say? We all know what a tire fire the last couple of years have been. There was a point at which I just ran out of things to say, which is kind of the opposite reaction from what many people had during Quarantine. Folks got so creative! New blogs and YouTubers appeared everywhere! My god, the number of lockdown manuscripts that publishers must have had to wade through boggles the mind. Meanwhile I shrank. I stopped writing. I left groups I had belonged to or joined during lockdown. My life became my chair in the living room – which was of course a necessity for a while since nobody could go anywhere.

This was when my depression apparently said to itself, “Now’s my time to SHINE!”

I’m not sure why I decided to come back other than I have again grown weary of living small. I’ve been taking on new activities and projects again, but I’m trying to go slowly. I recently started a Pagan discussion group at my church, which has got me talking shop again, which of course made me think about YouTubing again. I made a few attempts last year and I hated all of them – I’m trying to figure out how to sound coherent and find a camera angle that doesn’t make me want to shriekingly defenestrate.

Thinking about YouTube led to wanting to spiff up the website and update my “About Me” type stuff. I ended up moving some things around, and thought to myself, “…I should blog again.”

Now, the truth is, I have no idea what I’m going to be posting here just yet. I have new topics I could talk about, such as my new miniatures hobby; and I’ve been working on yet another version of my Book of Shadows. I have started two new books, Shadow World VIII and a Pagan spirituality book that is still kind of an idea amoeba and a folder full of notes on my Penzu account.

In the meantime, I thought I’d lead off with one of my perennial favorite post types: 10 Things I Love.

A few images from the Witch Cats oracle.

1. I Love Nicole Piar’s spirit cat artwork.

Nicole has several oracle decks in her Etsy shop, one of which (The Witch Cats deck) I ordered immediately. I then went back and ordered her 2023 calendar as well. The cats are just so sweet and lovely, the style mystical but not silly. Looking at the cards makes me feel good. I’m planning to use them as a guide/altar art, to draw a card for the month or week and let that be something awesome to look at and meditate on when I engage in spiritual shenanigans.

2. I Love The Sandman series (Netflix).

I’ve never been much of a graphic novel reader. But when I heard The Sandman was going to be a Netflix series (involving the author, Neil Gaiman, himself) I got excited. I thought hey, fun cool dark fantasy stuff, lots of neat effects, let’s go!

Little did I know that I would find the series completely addictive, but even more importantly (and strangely), I found it fed something in me that I can’t quite describe. I find watching it deeply soothing (though I do tend to skip most of the diner episode because GOD DAMN), and I’d even call it spiritually fulfilling. Something about the world Gaiman created has grown roots in my head.

I did read the first volume of the graphic novels, and while I will absolutely agree they are a masterpiece, I’d still rather watch the show – not because it’s better per se, but because the comic format just doesn’t suck me in. The show has such a lyrical and lush presence, and I just don’t get that from the comic. I’ve never been much of a purist about anything.

3. I Love Ara Bentley’s YouTube Channel.

Sometime early last year a friend of mine got me interested in watching videos about miniatures. By mid May I was building a dollhouse of my own. Ara’s videos were the first that got me hooked, especially her Cardboard House series, in which she created an entire house, including furnishings, out of things she already had during lockdown. Her creativity, humor, and enthusiasm are infectious to say the least! She also build a truly epic Addams Family dollhouse and is currently working on a model of the Beetlejuice house (including all the character dolls!)

4. I Love Baumgartner Restoration on YouTube as well.

I found Julian quite by accident – art restoration hasn’t really been one of my major interests. But after a couple of videos I was addicted! The techniques and patience that go into restoring fine art, especially pieces that are several hundred years old and need more than a few little dings repaired, are mesmerizing. Julian is amazing at his job, even if his sponsor segues are just the lamest things ever (I think at this point he’s doing it deliberately to make the audience groan), and I’ve learned so much about how art is made (and damaged). The most recent series where he and his apprentice have to repair and restore a split wood panel – which involves making jigs and using power tools – is seriously cool. He also discusses the ethics and professional code of art restoration, which is fascinating.

5. I Love Phyllis Curott.

I was a young Witch back when Phyllis’s first book, Book of Shadows, first hit shelves. I’ve been a fan of hers ever since; her Witch Crafting is probably the most influential book on my own personal Craft. (I need to get a new copy, my old hardback is falling apart and I love the new cover on the trade paperback.) I love that she approaches the Craft as inherently spiritual, as do I, and that we are working as the hands of the Divine, creating reality along with Them. I thought it strange that she disappeared from public Pagan life just like I did; and when I heard she was coming back with a new book, Spells for Living Well, I was so excited! Of course we’ve had, and have, very different lives, but I find a kindred spirit in her struggles and return. (Also the book is great – I’ve already copied a bunch of the spells into my Book of Shadows to act as inspiration for my own workings.)

6. I Love New Year goal-setting and List-making.

Hope springs eternal, am I right? I’ll have more on this in another post.

7. I Love Egyptology.

Little known fact about me: I’m hardcore into both archaeology and paleontology. I feverishly consume documentaries and books on Egyptology, especially regarding the lives of women in pharaonic Egypt and the religious shakeups of the Amarna period. Mummification is another deep fascination. I have not one but two favorite Egyptologists (Salima Ikram is my idol, and I love listening to Chris Naunton’s lectures online). I’m also into Mayan and Incan history and archaeology, but Egypt is my first love. So are dinosaurs, incidentally. I freaking love learning about the latest discoveries in dinos.

8. I Love Lipton’s Instant Chocolate Chai mix.

The problem with most chai latte mixes is the latte part – it’s hard to find a nondairy version. This stuff allows you to use whatever milk you want. It’s like hot cocoa with an attitude. It’s hard to find in single packs right now but I fully intend to grab this five pack when I can.

9. I Love La Perruche Sugar Cubes.

Speaking of tea-related things, I’m a huge fan of brown sugar flavored anything; and I discovered I love it in my hot beverages. I found these pure cane sugar cubes, which have that same flavor but a little more…complex? I guess? This particular brand just has a vanilla-ish, caramelly note to it that I enjoy a great deal. I even use it to make brown sugar vanilla syrup for my iced beverages – combine equal parts sugar cubes and boiling water, mix to dissolve, allow to cool, add some vanilla, then store in the fridge. (You don’t have to be terribly precise with the measurements either.)

10. I Love the Rainbow-Making Prisms hanging in my bedroom windows.

Talking ’bout the Weather: Depression

Posted on by Dianne Sylvan

I’ve been a bit MIA from the blog the last few weeks because, unsurprisingly, my depression is kicking up with all the *gestures wildly at the whole damn world* going on. I’m feeling…reasonable?…right now so I thought I’d actually come talk about how I view (and deal with) my depression.

I’m a lifer. I’ve had major depressive disorder most of my life (I think perhaps even as a child, but certainly since my teenage years) and have been medicated for about 70% of that. I first went on meds at 19. I was also diagnosed with type II bipolar disorder in my 30s, but I’ve come to doubt the accuracy of that diagnosis as I’m pretty sure what I thought of as hypomania was, in fact, just me feeling like myself for a while. (Everyone is different, though, so I recommend at least trying to get a proper diagnosis to give you a starting point.)

I’ve done a lot of shadow work and self-examination to identify where my depression came from, but to be honest, that did basically zero to alleviate the symptoms; it just gave me insight and allowed me to approach my treatment in a more useful way. I continue to have depressive cycles that don’t correspond to any particular events or traumatic triggers from the past. I realized that whatever caused my depression, I still have an illness, and I need to treat it as a medical problem while continuing to work on myself mentally, emotionally, and spiritually.

In addition to my three prescription medications, I take Omega-3, and D & B vitamin supplements to help steady things in my head. I meditate as much as possible to promote calmer skies. I have tried exercise as a treatment, but I have physical issues (and body image issues) that make it difficult to maintain. I try not to look at my inability to stick to exercise as a failure, but as a “that didn’t work this time, let’s try something different.”

I also use my bullet journal/planner to help keep me oriented and connected to my life – it’s easy when you’re depressed to feel like you’ve become unmoored, and having trackers and a to-do list help remind me that I have goals and things to look forward to and they’re still there even if I’m in a bad way.

I think the most important thing I did for my mental health was the day I connected the concept of the Wheel of the Year with my depressive cycles. Not the Sabbats themselves, but the idea that change is continuous and the seasons roll into each other and back around again, but never sit still. All of nature moves in cycles, and I’m hardly exempt from that.

I decided to treat my depressive cycles as “flare-ups,” not as the end of the world. They tend to last anywhere from 2-6 weeks, but the thing that really matters is knowing they’re temporary. If I approach them as a symptom flare-up like I would with fibromyalgia, IBS, or other conditions, I am better able to keep them in perspective.

When I’m flaring up I try to listen to my body and brain. I pull back on social interaction and sleep a lot, but I’ve tried, and continue to try, not to stop contact with people, just to take a rest from things when I really feel like I need to. I work as diligently as I can to counter negative thoughts with what I know is reality and remind myself I won’t always feel this way. I try not to make major decisions. I watch comfort movies and TV, I don’t police my eating, and above all, I try to be patient with myself.

My mantra for flare-ups is, “I am the sky; the rest is the weather.” I visualize my flare-ups as leaden-grey clouds covering the sky, but even when they look still, they are moving slowly across the vista of my mind. They will eventually break up. The wind will usher them out of view, and I’ll be able to see constellations again.

All the things I do to help myself, from meditation to self-examination, help make the clouds move through faster and gentle the squalls as much as possible. But it’s all still the weather. It still changes over time. As daunting as that idea is sometimes, it also gives me hope.

Weather fronts come and go. But the sky remains, still clear and blue during day and star-flecked at night, even behind the fiercest storms.

Goal Setting in the Age of the Great Tire Fire

Posted on by Dianne Sylvan

I find myself contemplating the second half of 2020, and aside from “What’s next, space monkeys? A plague of frogs? War with Finland? Another Minions movie? …oh goddamn it,” I am considering how my priorities have changed in the last six months.

I look back at my January 2020 goal-setting and I laugh and laugh and laugh. I mean who hasn’t thought, “This is going to be my year, I’m going to get my poop in a group and make big changes and accomplish A-Z and really do better at all my everything!” at the start of every year of their adult lives? But 2020…wow, y’all.

I had, on my list, things like finishing the novel I was working on and getting a second book underway. I planned to increase my income by a certain amount, finally get that yoga practice going, etc. And while in theory I could finish a book during quarantine, let’s be honest here: This has not been a productive time just because it’s been a non-busy time. Our brains and hearts are working extra hard dealing with all of this even if we haven’t had to take on extra responsibilities for our families or jobs.

I think it’s important to have goals even now – not big life things necessarily but just something to strive for, something to help keep you anchored in your life. But those goals don’t exist in a vacuum. What’s going on out there will absolutely affect what we can accomplish in here.

I ask myself, what do I want to nurture in my life for the rest of the year? What do I need more of right now? And then, what’s a small thing I could add to my day that would help nudge me toward that? For my longer-term big goals, picking some wee aspect to chip away at could mean progress without overwhelm.

Overwhelm is a thing I’ve come to understand on a new level in the last few months. The continuous onslaught on my mental health coming from the outside world has lowered the amount of energy I have available. I have to respect that and not pretend I’m going to feel “normal” again any time soon. 2020-life depression might just be a new way my depression manifests itself that I have to learn how to live with. (Thanks, America.)

All of that in mind, and considering my original goals, I’ve decided to take a massive dose of Phucumol (talk to your doctor today!) and, with a mighty YEET!, toss them all and start from scratch.

There are three smallish things I want to do/start doing:

  1. Eat a little more healthfully, specifically not ordering out all the time but eating actual home-cooked food with vegetables in it that aren’t potatoes, and maybe drinking some actual water? Cutting back on the deliveries will be good for my budget too.
  2. Move. Just a little. I really really want to figure out a way to get myself on the yoga mat, even for five minutes at a time. I have plenty of resources and a good chunk of time in the afternoon after work I could use, I just…haven’t.
  3. Write. Creative outlets are very important to me in general, but now especially. I do want to keep blogging, but I also want to pick a larger project and stick with it for a while. I haven’t decided which project that will be just yet.

Eat, move, write. That doesn’t sound so insurmountable. They’re all things I can still do while the world is a giant tire fire.

What are your tire-fire goals?

2020, Second Draft

Posted on by Dianne Sylvan

I’m going to say this up front: America fucked up.

It was a losing battle from the beginning with the narcissistic ignorant grifter in charge and all his equally repugnant cronies guaranteeing there would not be enough testing, enough aid, or enough time before the country “opened back up.”

Let’s make one thing very clear. America never “closed.” It just let white people go home and bake bread while people of color, other minorities, and the poor involuntarily shouldered the burden of keeping vital services running for the rest of us.

If things keep going as they have–and there’s no reason to believe otherwise given how badly people are behaving just because they’ve been asked to put a piece of fabric on their faces for an hour here and there (I wonder if those Klan hoods impede their delicate respiration too?) that things won’t be worst-case scenario–it’s not just 2020 we’ve lost. It’ll be most of, if not all of, 2021 as well, depending on vaccine availability.

I’m not trying to doomsay here, I’m just trying to look at what’s laid out in front of us. This is not going away any time soon. The life that we had at the beginning of this year is over for a while. That means we need to manage our expectations.

Most of us have been treating the pandemic as a short-term problem; for other countries it has been. But America fucked up, as it is wont to do. It didn’t have to be this way, but this is what we have to work with while we keep trying to make it better.

We have to find ways to care for our mental health under the relentless onslaught. We have to find ways to keep adapting and to adjust the changes we’ve already made to shore them up long-term. What can you do to make your at-home life more sustainable for the long haul? Do you need particular equipment to help make working from home easier? Do you need to try a meal kit service or learn about batch cooking and prep to make feeding your household less draining? What can you to make your home more comfortable to stay in every day? Do you need make standing weekly Zoom dates to look forward to? A chore chart? Look at what has worked, and what hasn’t, the last few months. What are you lacking? How can you create more of it?

Your quarantine does not have to be a cocoon. It can just be where you keep your shit as together as possible. You don’t have to emerge ripped, speaking Cantonese, with a homemade sourdough loaf in each hand.

Make the best of things, absolutely, but acknowledge and accept that THIS FUCKING SUCKS. It SUCKS and it’s HARD and you’re ANGRY and SCARED and you want to cry and scream and you want to hug your Mom and you CAN’T, DAMN IT. All the weeks we spent doing the right thing have been undone by a bunch of selfish assholes, and IT SUCKS.

I think the most important thing we can do is admit that things are going to be a mess for a long time and then get off our (metaphorical) butts and get on with living our lives in whatever form they have to take.

We may not be able to avoid a perilous future but we can still help mitigate the longer term. America’s track record with learning from its mistakes is, well, not stellar, but we can still do better, both as individuals and as a nation. I cling to the hope that by November it won’t be too late to turn things around or at least wrench them from their blindfolded gallop toward a cliff. But to even have a chance, we have to VOTE! Meanwhile there are city council meetings to sit in on, letters to write to lawmakers, petitions to sign. You can do a lot from home!

Most importantly do not give up. One way or another we’re going to get through this. I can’t make any promises about how, or what the world will look like on the other side, but we’ll get there. Take care of yourself, take care of others, and get used to editing the plans you make for how life is “supposed” to go.

The first draft is usually crap anyway.

Why the V-Word?

Posted on by Dianne Sylvan
Ahimsa, the Sanskrit word for “non-harming”

People often wonder why, given the social stigma associated with the word “vegan,” I wouldn’t just call myself “plant-based,” which is apparently way more palatable to the mainstream.

There are several answers to this, the first one being, I am not all that interested in being palatable. I am interested in living according to my values. If my being vegan upsets you, well, there’s the “back” button.

The second answer is that to me, “plant-based” is a diet.  It’s a fad, to be perfectly honest, like Keto or Paleo or whatever the hell the newest “eat all the bacon you want” thing is, just in a different direction. A large percentage of people who call themselves “plant based” are doing so merely to lose weight.

This irritates me mightily because we know diets don’t work, and I can tell you firsthand that eating only plant foods does not guarantee any particular health outcome (there’s no meat in a French fry). So when people decide that their plant-based diet is way too hard because it doesn’t offer enough pleasure or satisfaction (which I get in spades from non-diet vegan food, by the way), they quit, often becoming the dreaded “ex-vegan” who evangelizes against the entire lifestyle despite never having really lived it.  Basically, dieters don’t make good lifelong vegans because dieting is bullshit, and a diet of bullshit is only sustainable long-term for flies, mushrooms, and people who watch Fox News.

Important side note: Many people who have issues with eating a vegan diet forget that you still have to eat enough. If your overall caloric intake has dropped of course you’re going to feel like hell! EAT! If you eat a varied diet with sufficient calories, it will be very difficult for you to become medically deficient in anything, especially protein.  When was the last time you heard someone mention the actual medical term for the condition caused by protein deficiency?**

That brings me back to my overall point:  Veganism is not just a diet.  It encompasses far, far more than what you eat.  The definition of veganism, as offered by The Vegan Society (whose leadership actually coined the term “vegan”), is,

Veganism is a way of living which seeks to exclude, as far as is possible and practicable, all forms of exploitation of, and cruelty to, animals for food, clothing or any other purpose.  [italics are mine]

When I say I’m a vegan what I mean is that I try to follow this definition, not just that I don’t eat meat, dairy, or eggs. I also practice compassionate consumerism when it comes to household products, clothing, shoes, accessories, body care, and more.

There are of course areas I don’t have much control over. No sane vegan would tell people to stop taking their antidepressants because they might have animal products in them – or because they were almost certainly tested on animals.  (If anyone ever tells you to do this, run away.)  Note that the definition says, “as far as is possible and practicable.”  If I don’t take my meds, I may commit suicide one day, which means I can no longer advocate for animals (or the environment or minorities or anyone else), so I choose to stay mentally healthy and try to make the world a more compassionate place.

There is NO SUCH THING as 100% vegan. It’s just not possible. At some point you’re gonna step on a bug.  We live by consuming living things; that’s just how being alive works.  Vegans are not ignorant of this fact.  We make an informed choice to cause the least harm we can in every way we can…and we do the best we can. Sometimes we fall short. Humans do.

Thus, I personally eschew the term “plant-based eater” because it’s a one-dimensional phrase, typically bandied about by fatphobic dieters, that only covers one part of my vegan practice. 

Yes, I consider it a practice, and a vital spiritual one at that. I chose to call it that because it reminds me that, as with any other kind of practice, perfection is not attainable and that’s okay; I can only keep doing better than the day before.  It also reminds me that these choices are as much a part of my spirituality as any other. My meditation practice, devotional practice, divinatory practice, and vegan practice are all strands in my wee spiritual web. They all inform each other and in many ways depend upon each other.

** kwashiorkor

An Important Thing

Posted on by Dianne Sylvan

For a long time – years – I’ve tried to avoid talking about the dreaded v-word (vegan, not vagina) on my blog because I didn’t want to deal with arguing or rolling my eyes at anti-vegan “jokes” about desert islands or antagonistic questions from people who don’t actually care about the answers but just want to bait me.

Very recently I had a revelation that I’d like to share with you:

Fuck that shit.

I’m not going to pussyfoot around an important component of my spiritual life just to pacify trolls. I’ve avoided subjects like my veganism or fat-positive posts because a long time ago I got death threats and extremely cruel emails and I shrank back into my cave to hiss at passersby and never actually express the totality of myself to the world.

Again: Fuck that shit.

I’m watching people all over the world stand up and be seen and killed for what’s right. Obviously the BLM movement is not meant as a self-help tool for White people, but having taken up the work of examining my behavior and educating myself, in the midst of learning a lot of hard truths I also realized I don’t want to play small anymore, whether about fatness, veganism, mental health, magic, social issues, or religion.

Now, please note, I am not going to be posting inflammatory things or vegan-themed rants full of horrifying images of tortured animals. In fact my intention isn’t to “convert” anyone, but just to share this part of my life as it fits into my spirituality and other aspects of who I am. There will be food and probably some meditations and prayers, but I intend neither to guilt nor rage, only to be me. I will put together a post of links for those who want to know more. There are so many people out there who have already created great resources both for the whys and hows of vegan living and I’d rather send traffic to their good work.

In that same vein I am not interested in debating the subject. I don’t want to hear “mmmm, bacon” “humor” on my feed. I don’t want to hear why you can’t be vegan because cheese or how you tried it once and ALMOST DIED OMG or whatever. I don’t care about the asshole vegans you’ve met. Honestly I don’t care about your why-nots and I do not respond to antagonism. I don’t approve/I delete comments that aggravate me because this is not a democracy. I am not obligated to teach you or engage with you.

You are more than welcome to skip any post you want. It’s your time and energy! You decide where it goes! Just like it’s my time and energy that goes into writing here, and my time and energy that will not be spent engaging with trolls.

This is not to say I expect any of my regular readers to behave badly. You’re all great, and I’m so glad you’ve stuck with me. But whenever I bring up the v-word or talk about fat positivity I get a ton of static, and it’s that potential static I’m talking about.

What I hope you gain from these sorts of posts isn’t why you should behave a certain way so much as it’s how your ethics and beliefs mesh with your practices and how you behave in the world, whether as a spiritual person or merely as a consumer. I want more people to consider how their spiritual practices and beliefs do – and SHOULD – affect every part of their lives, not just the hour in front of the altar, on the mat, or in the pew.

I won’t be dedicating a huge number of posts to this topic, and it won’t be all in a row, just now and then when I feel the need to talk about it, or in posts where I think it has some bearing on the post’s subject. I’ve already been trying to do some of this since I restarted my blog back in March.

Now that I’m over 40 I’m coming to understand what “authenticity” really means and how we simply don’t have time in our brief human lives to trot out incomplete versions of ourselves for the approval of strangers. Therefore I’m hoping to be a less hesitant in posting things that are important to me just because they might bother a few people. I don’t want to lock parts of me away like they’re a dirty secret. So I won’t.

Fuck that shit.

A Pig, a Paintbrush, and a Practice

Posted on by Dianne Sylvan

From Wikipedia: Kintsugi (金継ぎ, “golden joinery”), also known as kinsukuroi (金繕い, “golden repair”), is the Japanese art of repairing broken pottery by mending the areas of breakage with lacquer dusted or mixed with powdered gold, silver, or platinum, a method similar to the maki-e technique. As a philosophy, it treats breakage and repair as part of the history of an object, rather than something to disguise.

I discovered the art and philosophy of kintsugi a while back and like many other Westerners found it intriguing. It’s certainly become more well known in the last few years, appearing everywhere from Pinterest to fan fiction. (It’s very popular with fan artists as well.)

While I feel that I’ve grown past my “broken” phase of life, I remember it very well, and at the time it didn’t feel like I was filling my cracks with gold as much as it felt like stapling myself together haphazardly, then slapping a coat of plaster over the whole mess.

Nowadays kintsugi has a different relevance for me. Even in a reasonably-together stage of life, I often have chips break off or a new crack appear, either in a spot I didn’t patch well enough before or in someplace entirely new. That’s often how life works, though. The first time an issue arises we say, “All I’ve got is mud and straw, it’ll have to do.” The second time we’re older and wiser (hopefully) and patch more skillfully, with cement. But eventually when the flaw comes out we’ve lost the desire to hide our cracks from the rest of the world and think, with a flick of our feather boa, “To hell with what anyone thinks, this time this bastard is GOLD.”

In October of 2018 my lovely friend Nan took her first trip to the UK and brought back a wee gift for me. She knew how much I adore pigs and found a wonderful locally-crafted pig ornament at the Spode visitor center.

At the time I was having another bout of depression that had knocked me off my vegan practice (and into a vat of queso). I have never claimed to be a “perfect” vegan because such a thing cannot exist; what most people don’t know is that I’ve been on and off the wagon for years, usually only off for a few days (sometimes only a single meal) then back on, depending on my mental health. I have been gradually shortening those episodes, but I still wobble. That’s why I call it a practice.

This is of course not what I want. I want to be steadfast and dedicated to living my values. When I’m on my game it’s actually pretty darn easy to be vegan, especially here in Austin; it’s me that’s the problem, not the lifestyle.

So, when Nan gave me my pig, I decided to use it as a talisman. I charged it ritually to help boost my ability to make good decisions and to walk my talk. Every month on the Full Moon I’d give it a refresh. Eventually, though, I missed a month, then another. As with so many spiritual habits mundane life got the best of my intentions.

You can probably see where this is going.

One day, while dusting and rearranging my altar, I knocked the pig off the wall and it broke into pieces.

Sometimes the Universe gives you less a Cosmic 2×4 and more a Cosmic Anvil.

I cried. I looked at the broken little ornament and thought about how shitty I am and how I have no integrity and I cried some more.

Then I got out the Superglue and fit the pieces back together. There were enough tiny shards missing that it didn’t look very well mended, especially on the back; I also glued my fingers to it at one point (don’t tell my roommate) and re-broke it while trying to free myself.

It was quite some time later that I made the connection between my busted-up talisman and kintsugi.

Once I did, however, the course of action was obvious. My piggy ornament had to have its cracks made gold.

I had already glued it back together, so instead of missing lacquer and gold powder or any other more traditional Japanese method, I bought a bottle of metallic gold paint and a tiny paintbrush and began applying layers of gold in the cracks. I’ve done this several times in the last few months, just adding a little more shine each time, and as I paint I reinforce my intentions to keep going, to do better and then better again, to become the person I want to be inside and out.

It’s not perfect. What is? Perfection is a lousy goal. You’ll drive yourself to an early grave chasing a toxic illusion. What’s far better, and better for us, is looking at all our failures and faults as another place where we can add something shiny. Or, to let a much better poet than myself say it,

Ring the bells that still can ring
Forget your perfect offering
There is a crack in everything
That’s how the light gets in.

“Anthem,” by Leonard Cohen

Recipe: “Cherry Garcia” Pound Cake

Posted on by Dianne Sylvan

Sometime during the week I left myself a note on my phone: Cherries vanilla almonds chocolate – yogurt Cherry Garcia cake???

I’m not sure where the idea came from aside from the fact that I LOVE cherry vanilla, I love chocolate with cherries, & I love Cherry Garcia ice cream (unfortunately I don’t really like the nondairy version, as almond milk ice cream is too watery-tasting to me).

After a search on Pinterest for vegan loaf cakes I decided to improvise, or rather to start with a prewritten recipe and alter it. I found a lemon blueberry pound cake from Vegan Richa and used it as a base (since I know her recipes are excellent), adding and tweaking various ingredients to get the flavors I wanted.

The result, dear reader, is glorious. Super moist, not cloyingly sweet, studded with big juicy cherries and chocolate chips. Next time I may swap out the vanilla for almond extract, as I also love cherry almond anything (my shampoo is cherry almond and I want to eat it every time I wash my hair). If I do that I’ll probably scatter some sliced almonds on top of the glaze.

I posted a pic on Instagram and Facebook and got hit with lots of requests for the recipe, so, here you go!

Recipe: "Cherry Garcia" Pound Cake
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Recipe: “Cherry Garcia” Pound Cake

Recipe by Dianne Sylvan
Servings

6-8

servings
Prep time

10

minutes
Baking time

1

hour 

Ingredients

  • Wet Ingredients

  • 1/2 cup nondairy yogurt (I used Silk vanilla soy)

  • 1 c nondairy milk (I used Oatly)

  • 3/4 c sugar

  • 2 tsp vanilla (or almond) extract

  • 3 tablespoons canola or other oil

  • Dry Ingredients

  • 2 c all-purpose flour

  • 1 1/2 tsp baking powder

  • 1/4 tsp baking soda

  • 1/4 tsp salt

  • 3/4 to 1 cup frozen or other pitted cherries tossed in 1 tablespoon flour (the vague measurements here are because you might want a higher ratio of cherry to chocolate, or vice versa, but FYI I used 1 cup of the former and 3/4 cup of the latter)

  • 1/2 to 3/4 c chocolate chips (or chopped chocolate)

  • Vanilla Glaze

  • 1 c powdered sugar

  • 2 tablespoons nondairy milk

  • 1 tsp vanilla (or almond) extract

  • 2-3 tablespoons cherry jam or preserves (optional, but adds an extra punch of cherry flavor)

Let’s get it on

  • Preheat your oven to 350F. Spray a loaf pan with nonstick or line it with parchment paper.
  • Whisk all the wet ingredients together in a large bowl.
  • Whisk the dry ingredients together in a separate bowl, then add the dry (except the cherries and chips) to the wet and whisk until well combined.
  • Fold in the cherries and the chocolate chips. Scrape the whole mess into the loaf pan and top with a few extra cherries and chips if you like. Bake for 55-60 minutes until it doesn’t jiggle and is golden brown.
  • Let the cake rest in the pan for 15 minutes, then turn out onto a cooling rack. Allow to cool for at least an hour before glazing so you don’t make a big damn mess.
  • Once the cake is cool, put a pan or platter under the cooling rack. Spread the jam (if using) over the top of the cake more or less evenly. Whisk the glaze ingredients together then pour over the top of the cake. (The pan/platter is there to catch the dribbles.)
  • Slice and serve to a grateful world.

My Book of Shadows, v. 25 (or so)

Posted on by Dianne Sylvan

Part 3 in my series about the spiritual toys and tools that have remained a part of my practice (or are part of it again, or have become important to me since I’ve started getting my groove back).

One of the things that I always loved about Wicca and its relatives was the idea of a Book of Shadows.

For those unaware, a BoS can be a lot of things to a lot of people. In some traditions the material in it is handed down upon initiation, and is either passed down verbatim or added to by the practitioner. In some traditions the whole thing is your own to create or curate. Some people use it as a journal of rituals, magical work, and divination; others use it strictly as a “cookbook” where they write down spells and rituals, both of their own composition and those copied from books or online. Some people keep two books, one a cookbook and one a journal.

A lot of people use some sort of handmade or beautiful bound book; some use a computer file. I’ve seen some that are sort of both nowadays that you can keep on your tablet but make look like a book using Goodnotes or another notes app. You young’uns and your technomancy!

There’s no right or wrong when it comes to a BoS (which some call a grimoire, others using one term for a journal and one for a spellbook) I’ve had several over the course of my magical career and the only kind I never could really warm up to was the digital variety. Keeping a BoS appeals to my love of pretty notebooks and journaling supplies. My last one was a gorgeous thin book of handmade paper I got at a local bookshop; I wrote in it all by hand, did all the borders and doodles, and nearly filled it up before it became obsolete for my practice.

Okay, there’s ONE “wrong” in a BoS, and that is not crediting your sources. Add where you got a ritual or poem somewhere on the page, both because it’s the ethical thing to do, and so that you can find it again if something happens to your book!

Last year I started a new one. I dubbed it my Book of Moonlight and Shadows, as the duality of shadow and light are very important to my practice, and have combined illustrations, poetry, prayers, and records of Tarot readings so far. I’m absolutely in love with the overall style I have going, so I wanted to show off a few pages here. Notice that you can see the new knob I got for my altar drawer to replace the boring wood one it came with.

Supplies used will be linked at the bottom if you wish to check them out.

An A5 dot grid journal from Archer and Olive; note all the fuzzies on the cover. Their notebooks are gorgeous and super high quality (the pages are 160gsm) but the fabric on the covers attracts dust and hair like you wouldn’t believe. I have cleaned it with a wad of tape and gotten most of the hair off, but living with four cats, it’s kind of a doomed enterprise. Oh, and the edges of the pages are silver-gilded! It’s soooo lovely.
The cover page. The color in these pics is weird, even after white balancing, but note that the paper in A&O notebooks is bright white. The drawing is in ink and colored pencil.
I am primarily posting the Index page to show that I screwed it up and had to patch over it. Any time I get a nice notebook I remove one of the pages to use for patching, as it’s way less distracting than correction tape (especially if your pages aren’t bright white). Also I love the berry bramble border.
A sort of dedication page, featuring a Rumi poem I love that I first heard at church last year. We sing it as a round. I get it stuck in my head all the time!
Even though I don’t celebrate most of the NeoPagan Sabbats (see my post on Beltaine), I love having a Wheel of the Year image in my BoS, and I’m extra proud of how this one came out. I intend to add to the page, filling in the blank spaces with notes on the seasons and adding holidays I *do* celebrate.
Another spread I’m really proud of. These are prayers that I use often, either as a whole or one section at a time, often with my beads. The left side are prayers to Theia, my Goddess of Starlight and Moonlight; and the right is to Persephone, Goddess of Shadow .
The left-hand page is a draft, really, of the verses that would end up in the blog post about breathing prayers; the right is the Seven Principles of Unitarian Universalism, with the logo of my church in the bottom corner. (I just realized I didn’t write the origin of the Principles on the page – look at me violating my own rule! I will fix that immediately.)
Lastly, one of the more utilitarian page spreads – Moon phase lore on one side and number lore (for Tarot cards mostly) on the other.

Not pictured are images of Tarot readings, as those are extra personal. Those pages utilize a lot more washi tape and glued-in images. I’m considering moving my divinatory records to my bullet journal and making my planner much Witchier, in the same vein as Jessica Starr does in this video:

If you’re interested in any of the supplies I used, here are some links. They are not affiliate links and I receive no compensation, I just wanted to share things I enjoy using.