Typically during the day I have one big long playlist of my current favorites or whatever else I want to hear – I change it constantly. It’s about 3 hours long, and I won’t repost the whole thing here! Here are the top 20 off the list that I hit “repeat” on the most often.
Latto – Big Energy
Carly Rae Jepsen – Cut to the Feeling
Niall Horan – Slow Hands
Taylor Swift – Paper Rings
Dua Lipa – IDGAF
Maroon 5 – Back at Your Door
Taylor Swift – Bejeweled
Mimi Webb – Ghost of You
Elton John w/Britney Spears – Hold Me Closer
Los Lobos – La Bamba
Big Mountain – Baby, I Love Your Way
Lady Gaga – Paparazzi
The All-American Rejects – Gives You Hell
Taylor Swift – Message in a Bottle (Taylor’s Version)
Ace of Base – The Sign
Ed Sheeran – Shivers
Lizzo – About Damn Time
Sublime – What I Got
Taylor Swift – Cruel Summer
Charli XCX – Boom Clap
That’s today, anyway. Ask me again tomorrow and who knows what will be there!
Three computer screens and an array of Funko! Pops. I am currently on a 15 minute break from my day job. I make it a policy that if I have to spend a third of my life somewhere it’s going to reflect my personality and have as much comfort and convenience as I can cram into it. Every desk I’ve ever had has had an arrangement of toys and, often, a tiny shrine of some sort. Right now I have a small Green Tara statue and a number of beloved stones I brought from home, as well as a carved lotus plaque a former teammate gave me.
I hear
In my earbuds: “Cruel Summer” by Taylor Swift. If I pause it I hear about a dozen people’s keyboards clickety-clacking.
I taste
The dregs of my Starbucks treat this morning: An iced vanilla oat milk latte. I don’t go to SB all that often these days for $$ reasons, but after a four-day weekend I had to bribe myself out of bed this morning.
I smell
Snickerdoodles, but there are unfortunately no cookes nearby; I had a mug full of Vanilla Spice Cheerios (This would totally be my Spice Girls name) for breakfast and it always leaves the area smelling faintly like chai or cookies.
I feel
Physically? Cold. This place is kept colder than Frosty’s left buttcheek. Also my hands are very dry and I need to lotion them (this is my current favorite). Mentally? Not too bad these days, all things considered.
I knew almost as soon as I offered to join in on this particular thing that I didn’t want to do it, but I tend to get overzealous about joining things when I’m in a good place, only to regret it intensely when I land back in the Shit Pit or have recently climbed out.
Never, ever make a commitment or any life decision at 3am or when you’re feeling awesome/awful. Trust me. I am aware of my need for approval and inclusion, and that it’s a trauma response and not something I want to act on without serious consideration, but I still say “sure!” when I mean “I adore you/I support this cause/I love the idea but I need to think it over.”
I’ve been having to slowly teach myself to really think about what I’m offering to do, and a) if I can actually do it with the time and energy I have, b) if I want to do it, and c) if I’m the right person for it. In this case the answer all three questions was a definite no.
In years past I would have stuck with it because I said I would and I’m terrified of both disappointing people and confrontation. The problem is that not standing up for myself results in more of both, because what I end up doing is hating every minute of the activity and resenting the people I promised I’d help. Then once I hit the Shit Pit again I end up dropping out anyway out of overwhelm, and of course that disappoints people! So I end up feeling terrible and causing problems down the line, closer to the deadline of whatever the project is, which to me is WAY worse than just saying “Sorry, I can’t” at the outset.
It’s only taken 46 years for me to get to the point where I am willing to risk ticking people off in order to do the right thing for myself. So while it was a small thing, I’m still proud of myself for doing it. 20s and 30s me would never have been able to speak up.
The problem is that there are different kinds of “happy” movies, aren’t there? There are movies that are bittersweet, those that are hysterically funny, those with happy endings…those that are just fun the whole way through without too much emotional investment, and those that are emotional rollercoasters that have a feel-good ending. How to choose?
Rather than talk about movies that are truly warming to the heart or that have a message of any real sort, and since you already know how much I love Jurassic Park (it does make me happy), I picked one that is just a damn blast from start to finish and doesn’t ask more of the viewer than to sit back and have a good time.
Jumanji: Welcome to the Jungle
If you can watch this movie without laughing your ass off, I’m just not sure about you. If you haven’t seen it, the basic idea is a group of teenagers in detention get zapped into an old video game (think the first Nintendo console) and suddenly become the game characters. They then have to go through each level of the game and win before they run out of lives (each has a health meter on their arm).
If for no other reason you need to see Jack Black play a prissy teenage girl – “Martha! Come look at my penis! This thing is CRAZY!”
The sequel (The Next Level) is fun too, but lacks a lot of the previous film’s charm. Welcome to the Jungle is just insanely funny and a big rollicking adventure – it has a few sweet moments and a sad one, but still, it’s not trying to change your life or say anything about the world. Watching the various actors channel their teenage counterparts (Dwayne Johnson is a nerdy boy with allergies, Chris Hart a big tough football player, they cover all your high school stereotype bases) is a blast.
If I had all the time in the world I would want to read three books a month: One novel, one nonfiction to learn about something, and one spiritual/metaphysical/theological book. Wouldn’t that be nice?
I’m not going to push on that too hard though – I won’t be able to read a lot of books this month because I’m rather busy creating my own! I’d like to get back to reading more after ShadowSong is published, though.
I do have two books on my docket right now:
All that Remains by Sue Black – Barnes and Noble states, “It is a treat for CSI junkies, murder mystery and thriller readers, and anyone seeking a clear-eyed guide to a subject that touches us all.”
Welcome to July, where I plan to blog every day in short bursts. I’ve fiddled with the challenge from five years ago and changed a few things for various reasons, so, behold the revised and updated 30 Days:
Let’s begin!
My Goals for July
1 – This month I’m finishing the dollhouse! No, I mean it! All I have left is the roof and the windows, then the base around the front, which right now is bare foam board. The roof will be a big project because, well, I can either make a zillion shingles out of something (probably cereal box card) or I can thatch it (probably using an old towel). All the windows need attention. But I am very sure all of this can be done in the course of July.
2 – Time to truly knuckle down on the final Shadow World book. My goal is 30,000 words this month, hopefully more – that’s about four or five chapters? If I can do that for the next three months I’ll be done a month early. HAHAHHAHA we’ll see if that happens.
3 – I’m still aiming for zero delivered meals, but I think it’s more realistic to say, maybe, two per paycheck? I have to be honest with myself, and I think it’s going to be nearly impossible to avoid it 100% of the time. As a person with lifelong depressive disorder there are times I just cannot make food for myself. Ideally I’d have things like TV dinners and whatnot for those occasions, but I’m not exaggerating when I say when I’m in the Shit Pit I can’t even do that. I try to make cooking as easy on myself as possible, but sometimes too easy is still not easy enough. In those cases delivery is a godsend (and often a mood lifter).
4 – I want to get to my altar more. Always. I need to get back in the habit of actually doing stuff there instead of just thinking about it. I’m sure many of you can relate. Our current reality is fucking awful, let’s face it; survival requires marshaling our inner resources as much as the outer. I feel calmer and stronger when I’m more spiritually aligned. I make better decisions. I like who I am more, and that’s a very big deal.
